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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 11-16-2011, 12:25 AM
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Default Star Child

Name: Sheepat
Going for: Cleffa/Foongus
Character Count: 15,219


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James Brown was five feet tall exactly. He had wavy orange hair, amazingly pale skin, and usually wore black pants and a white collared shirt. The 30-year old man was a painter.

A very horrible painter.

He remembered years ago, when he was seven, he was painting a little picture for art class. It was of a Pikachu eating an apple. His teacher had taken one look at it and took it home to hang up. James had gotten an 'A.'

He had continued to become a better artist. He got many years worth of experience. He was voted 'most likely to succeed' in high school.

Then he got to college, and went to painting classes. There he met teachers he liked, and was successful.

Then he became 29, and everything went downhill.

First off, everyone he loved was killed in the attack at Saffron City, his home town. Copycat, his mother, even his Pidgey was gone, crushed beneath the Pokemon Center.

James relocated to Pewter City, where he hoped the calmness would help him paint. It didn't, though.

He was depressed. He watched the days go by, as if an observer of time, staring at his blank paper, paint all around him, untouched. He watched sadly at that Mt. Moon. Its beautiful yet primal boulders, larger than a Wailord. At night he could see wonderful cosmic auroras over it, colored green and purple, going across the sky.

However, it did not even faze him. He sighed sadly, as he once again looked at the paper. It was Monday, the first day of the week, and James knew. It was time to go to Mt. Moon, to climb it.

Indeed, when he had gone hiking up it, as an excuse to get out of his home, he often saw a cliff. It was high, about 40 feet from the ground. When James saw the great mouth opening out onto the bottom, it took all of his willpower to not jump off of it.

But now he knew: He no longer had a purpose in life. It was a nice lifetime, at least. He walked over to the edge, in the middle of the night, where no one could see him, and no one would care.

The bottom was filled with grass, a nice little valley. A single rock was in the middle. It would all be over soon.

James prepared to jump.

“Good-bye, world. Hello, Mother, Father...”

Then suddenly his world exploded in a flash of brilliant light.

When James awoke, he was still on the cliff edge. He saw steam rising from the valley. Down below was a great rock, the source of the steam.

It was a meteorite.

James gasped, and quickly ran down the mountain, carefully too. The meteor had apparently cut a deep hole into the side of the mountain, then crashed here. It was obvious half of it had been vaporised as soon as it crashed.

He could hear a squealing, a crying. He ran over, and saw something pink and round inside the meteor.

It was altogether a pink star, the top and side spikes brown. Its stubby arms were up to its eyes, and it was crying. James knew of the Pokemon, but he had never seen one. It was a Cleffa, the baby form of Clefairy.

James tried to pick up the Cleffa, but it suddenly noticed him, and it hid deeper into the great rock.

He sighed sadly. It was starting to become dawn, and the Pokemon was still crying its eyes out. As he watched the sun come up, he suddenly realized the Cleffa might be hungry. Indeed, it suddenly stopped crying, and looked down and its stomach.

James suddenly realized that the Cleffa was looking at the dew in the grass, and it suddenly jumped down, and started drinking it.

For the rest of the day James watched the Pokemon that was in the meteor, as it played around by itself, and drank the dew when it need sustenance. It never seemed to notice him, except when he came close, where it would freeze and just stare at him with giant, begging eyes.

Finally he left, going onwards home. As he went down the road, he suddenly heard little stomps, and turned around to see the Cleffa, staring at him. Sighing, he went back home, the Cleffa following him.

At last he came home, and went to bed.

He awoke to see the Cleffa, crying out of hunger. Getting up quickly, he watched as the Cleffa looked around the room. Finally sighing, he went over and got out a small thing of bread. He watched as the small pink Pokemon devoured it, then finally rest, contented.

It's pretty cute, James thought, Maybe I'll keep it.

From that point onward the Cleffa lived with James, and it quickly became the light in his otherwise dull life. It would welcome him home from his new job, a guide through the Pewter Museum.

One day James looked at his white paper, forgotten until now. He smiled at the blank slate, where with paint imagination could run wild.

He carefully took his black paint and looked at Cleffa, who was sleeping calmly in a corner. He started a quick sketch of the Pokemon, and smiled thoughtfully.

One day James Brown found Foongus, a small white mushroom with a Pokeball shaped hat. It smiled down at him, as it was only went up to his knee.

He picked it up and was soon on his way.

The Foongus became quick friends with Cleffa, and then they started training in battle, and the two started following James everywhere, even to work.

James was at his home, and it was a Thursday. He was watching Foongus play around to its heart's content. Brown himself was painting a picture, and he was now 31 years old, and was well known in the city. His home itself was white, with giant windows and a single door. Sunlight usually went through, and it was usually the only thing that lit the house up, as James painted.

It was a regular day, in and itself, until James noticed that the town was under some sort of silent spell. He walked outside, and there he was: the man that nearly ruined his life.

The first thing about his strange man was the fact that he had shockingly green hair. The next was that his hat barely concealed it. His white overshirt counteracted his black undershirt, and he had light brown pants, along with a couple trinkets around his neck.

“Who are you?” James asked.

“I don't need you to know who I am,” the young man, obviously in his teens, replied, “All I need are your Pokemon; stop abusing them.”

“I don't-”

Suddenly a great blue turtle appeared, its head and body armored, started to crush Brown.

“Carrocosta,” the attacker said, “Knock out our dear friend.”

The great turtle brought down its fin-like arms and smashed them into James' skull. He blacked out.

When James awoke, he went inside his house, which was trashed.

He found his Foongus, who was whimpering sadly. It took a while for him to realize that his Cleffa, his little light in life, was gone.

He was in Brock's house now, crying. The spiky-haired gym leader was soothing him calmly.

“There, now, James. Cleffa will come back, I'm sure it will.”

“Not soon enough,” James said, “It was kidnapped by that criminal with the green hair. I know what I need to do.”

“What?”

“I'm going after him.”

Brock was surprised, but he nodded.

“He shouldn't be that far. Here; borrow these two Pokemon.”

James looked down at the Pokemon Brock had given him. One was the giant rock snake Onix, who looked determined and battle-ready. The other was a boulder with four arms and two legs, a Graveler.

“Be careful,” Brock said, “You might want to take Foongus with you.”

Thus James went on his long journey. He passed through Mt. Moon, went onwards to Cerulean City, and finally to Saffron City, his home town.

There was the man, Cleffa's kidnapper, who was standing calmly on a cliff that looked out onto the city.

“Hey,” James said. The man turned around.

“You again?” he said, “I thought Carracosta took care of you.”

“I want my Cleffa back.”

“What, this one?” the kidnapper took out a Pokeball, inside was Cleffa, who was crying.

“Yes,” Brown replied, his Foongus next to him, looking angry.

“Fine,” the kidnapper said, “But I'll only give it back to you if you beat me in battle. By the way, I never got your name; Carracosta was too busy knocking you cold.”

“Cleffa's owner,” James said, “Is James Brown, artist, guide to the Pewter Museum.”

“And I'm N,” he said, “Just... N.”

“Great,” James said, “You release your Pokemon first, then I will.”

N took out his Pokeball, and chucked it into the air, and it released.

It was a double ice cream cone, with two vanilla flavored faces happily looking at James. The cone itself was made of ice, and a straw stuck out of one of the heads, occasionally spewing out mist.

“What's facing off against Vanilluxe?” N asked.

James threw the Pokeball, and Graveler popped out.

“Good,” N said, “We'll have a three on three battle, is that alright?”

“Fine,” James said.

“Vanilluxe, use Ice Beam!”

The ice cream cone suddenly aimed its straw straight at the Graveler, and a great beam of white issued out, striking the rock Pokemon. Snow and ice formed around the part of the body that was hit, right on the head. Graveler grunted and rolled backwards.

“Graveler,” James suddenly stopped, thinking. Apparently Gravler had... Rock Blast! Yeah!

“Graveler, use Rock Blast!”

The Pokemon grabbed rocks from out of nowhere, and started chucking them at high speeds towards Vanilluxe. It tried to dodge them, but was nevertheless hit by many of the projectiles.

“Now, continue your assault with Rock Slide!”

Graveler quickly went upwards, and expelled from its mouth a rain of rocks, which hit the Vanilluxe downwards. It hit the ground, covered in rocks.

“Vanilluxe, use Blizzard, then Avalanche!”

Suddenly the boulders turned to ice from the Blizzard, and then were sent onwards towards the Graveler as an avalanche. It hit the boulder-like Pokemon head on, and it tumbled back.

“Graveler, counter attack with Protect and Double-Edge!” James commanded.

The wall of energy appeared around the borrowed Pokemon, and it got up, the avalanche bouncing off of the bubble. Graveler ran forward, and smashed into Vanilluxe with everything it had. The cone was smashed into the ground, causing a mini crater with snow. Graveler got up, smiling at its defeated opponent.

“Vanilluxe,” N said, “Return.”

The former leader of Team Plasma (James didn't know this) took out another Pokeball, and threw it.

Out came a two metallic gears, with other gears all over it, connecting it in orderly chaos. A Klinklang.

“My friend,” N said, “Metal Sound.”

The gear released a great wave of sound, that enveloped Graveler, who covered its invisible ears in pain. It then released a beam of the sound, a Flash Cannon, which hit the living stone head on.

Graveler fell over, knocked out.

“One attack...” James said, but he then recalled Graveler, and sent out Onix.

The rock snake was larger than James had imagined. It easily dwarfed the Klinklang, who watched in horror as it started burrowing underground.

A Dig attack, N thought, I have an idea.

“Klinklang,” the young man said, “Use Thunderbolt on yourself.”

The gear hit itself with lightning, and it easily absorbed the pain.

James was confused, until he saw the Pokemon's gears start spinning faster, until Onix came upwards. As it was hit upwards by the giant Pokemon, it turned upside-down, and used its signature attack: Gear Grind.

The attack had two gears made of excess energy, and they smashed into the Onix. As the excess energy was great because of the electricity, Onix took major damage, falling to the ground.

“Onix,” James said, “Earthquake!”

The snake seemed to grin, and started to flail around, causing great vibrations in the earth.

A great wave of rock and stone suddenly smashed into the gear, and it flew back in pain. Onix's tail then suddenly became clear. It continued the assault with Iron Tail, smashing it into Klinklang, who suddenly released a Flash Cannon.

Onix twisted around it, but a small bit of it actually hit the snake, and it released a Dragonbreath.

The essence of a dragon, somehow inside of Onix for years, was unleashed, hitting the gear head on, and it suddenly stopped spinning, and its gears broke into separate parts as it hit the ground. Onix roared in victory.

Suddenly, however, a prehistoric bird was called from N's Pokeball. It flew upwards in a rainbow of color, cawing. James noticed it was half reptilian.

“Archeops,” N said, “Shadow Claw.”

The bird's claws suddenly became darkness, and it slashed at its foe.

The attack was powerful, and Onix was knocked back, nearly crushing James. The orange-haired avenger then commanded Onix to use Rock Throw.

Suddenly the snake got up, and part of its body came off thundering towards Archeops, who was hit head on. The boulders then returned to the user's body, clicking into place like a Lego.

The Archeops got up from the ground, a very vulnerable position.

“Archeops, Focus Blast.”

From the bird's mouth issued a blast of compressed fighting energy. It was quick and smashed into Onix's neck, instantly knocking it out.

James watched in horror as the boulder snake fell, hitting the ground with an earth shattering thud. Now it was up to his weak little Foongus.

“Alright, buddy,” James said, “You're up.”

The tiny little mushroom nodded, and quickly hopped in front of the Archeops, looking confident.

“Mega Drain!”

Foongus suddenly started shooting out small little spores around the bird, and it looked in horror as they got closer, with no hope of escape. They all hit N's Pokemon, and swiftly went back to the 'shroom.

“Alright, now,” James said, “Use Energy Ball on the Archeops!”

The ball of green goo-like energy smashed into the bird, who flew backwards, halfway down.

“Now then,” James said, “Defeatist should be kicking in soon, so this will be a win.”

“Not quite,” N said, “Because that isn't an Archeops you're fighting.”

As if on cue, the bird started mutating: it colorful feathers were changed into jet black fur, its head grew huge red hair, and it altogether was now a wolf.

“Zoroark, Night Daze.”

The new Pokemon, who had used its ability, Illusion, rushed forward, absorbing the shadows of midday, and smashed into Foongus.

“Foongus,” James said, “Ingrain!”

The mushroom's roots took hold, and it started healing itself.

“Now, Foongus: Energy Ball!”

The attack once again smashed into the Zoroark, who shook it off and unleashed a Shadow Claw. Foongus barely dodged, its roots now out of the ground.

“My friend,” N said, “Snarl!”

The wolf's face contorted into one of anger, and it let out a bark. Foongus cowered, right as Zoroark unleashed a Flamethrower.

“Foongus, Synthesis!”

The healing move healed the 'shroom just as the flames hit it. It barely held onto consciousness.

Performing the same attack, it was soon back to full health, staring at the black wolf angrily. It then suddenly started growing... and growing... until it was the Zoroark's size.

A Growth attack, N thought, This can't be good.

“Now, Foongus! Sludge Bomb!”

The now-huge Pokemon felt something rise from its stomach to its mouth, and it expelled two blobs of toxic acid, which hit its opponent in the face. The Zoroark barked in pain and fell backwards.

“Now, Giga Drain!”

The beam of energy came from Foongus' mouth, and it hit the wolf's stomach, absorbing more energy from it. It hit the ground, now nearly blind from poison. It couldn't smell its opponent for the same reason. It could only hear.

It suddenly heard something, and its ears pricked up too late, as the Faint Attack hit its side, Foongus echoing a flying leg kick.

Zoroark was weak, and it struggled to get up....

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

If Zoroark falls, the Cleffa and Foongus are captured.
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  #2  
Old 12-03-2011, 05:23 AM
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Default Re: Star Child

Expect grade Saturday or Monday.
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Old 12-05-2011, 08:02 PM
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Default Re: Star Child

Introduction:

I really like the opening paragraph. You give the reader a really good picture of what the painter looks like. In my opinion, when you start a story off with some good detail, especially of a character, it anchors the story to something solid which you can build upon. If it’s about the said character this is more because the beginning is one part that a reader often remember well.

A strong start to a story is a hook and keeps the reader interested. You did that here I felt.

You did this by first describing the man, one who seems normal if not a tad eccentric. But then the next sentence of only four words catches the eye:

Quote:
A very horrible painter
Right away this is readily apparent to the story because this is twice now that it is mention, and the second it sticks out. This acts as a hook because the reader will then want to know if he is thirty how is he a painter? It doesn’t seem like a hobby, therefore it must be a job. Now that alone could lead to many different possible storylines. This in turn makes the reader wonder what will happen next. After that you create more intrigue because the describe the history of the said painter and how successful he was as young man with his painting career. Then we come upon a next sentence that describes what the story is built around:

Quote:
Then he became 29, and everything went downhill.
Next you describe how his entire life was changed by an attack on his hometown that destroyed everything you could hold dear. And how those events caused him to move in the hope that he would get out of his funk.

A solid introduction. In a short amount of space you gave the reader a lot of information about the life of the main character. It wasn’t elaborate or wrong, you just provided a small timeline that provided snapshots into the past. It was pretty good and is a great starting point on which to build a story.

Now, there are two areas in the introduction in which I felt you did need a bit more information. Between the years of 22 through 29 you leave that area blank. While the other periods of his life have some information this as none. You need to tell the reader what he did during this timespan to complete the picture. Did his painting go on to be high sellers? Did he become famous? etc. By adding this information you not only provide more insight into the character but this area also leads up to the point in his life where everything changed the for worst.

The next part is minor and involves the attack on Saffron City. Basically, who did the attack and why is my question. Obviously this was an important moment in the life of the character, so you should provide a reason of why events happened like they did.


Plot:

A very simple story of how a man was pulled back from the brink of suicide by the arrival of a Cleffa and later a Foongus. It is a very simple story of how a many basically finds something to live for when everything he loved was stripped from him.

Overall you only had a couple problems with a few things that I have placed below. In terms of how the actually plot worked out, it was more than ample enough for the two Pokemon. In terms of information on the plot I can’t give too much feedback because the story was so short and a good half of the story was the Pokemon battle. Because of that I’ll give a few pointers on the battle section.

The battle was a long 3v3, something that is done rarely in a story because it’s a lot of work and not required in a story. Yours was a solid event. All the attacks were described in a good manner and none of the attacks were used in an unrealistic sense. That being said, your battle felt like it was a tad God-modded. God-modded means that one side literally beat the crap out of the other side. Your team didn’t fully crush N’s Pokemon, but your team felt like they used more attacks and were more successful that his were. While the attacks do not need to be equal in terms of amount used, it needs to seem fair. Otherwise it creates a boring battle and turns the reader off. So you need to be a tad more careful in the future. In terms of what you can do for the future battles it would be nice to see you expand into the combo area or using moves in an original way.

Quote:
It was a regular day, in and itself, until James noticed that the town was under some sort of silent spell. He walked outside, and there he was: the man that nearly ruined his life.
This strikes a contrast because only a moment later you say that James doesn’t know who the person is, therefore he doesn’t know he ruined his life. So it doesn’t make sense to have that little piece of information there. I think it would work better if it was removed and placed in a different part of the story or something along those lines.

Quote:
The wall of energy appeared around the borrowed Pokemon, [and it got up], the avalanche bouncing off of the bubble.
This is right after James orders the Graveler to use Protect. You start off with ‘the’ meaning that there was already a wall of energy there in my mind. You need to describe what the Protect looks like in terms of appearance. Yes, it can appear like a bubble but is it clear? Pink? The part in brackets also doesn’t make sense to me. I don’t know if it’s just me and I’m missing something, but I see no reason for those words being there.

Quote:
“I don't need you to know who I am,” the young man, obviously in his teens, replied, “All I need are your Pokemon; stop abusing them.”
The ‘stop abusing them’ portion of the the sentence makes no sense in terms of anything that has gone on during the entire sentence.

Besides all that, I have a one other thing to say. This story felt incomplete because there was a lot of information that didn’t make sense or was left out. Because of this I’m assuming there is going to be an other chapter. But if there isn’t another chapter you need to be careful about leaving those type of loopholes in a story because it distracts the reader from the story.

Description:

A really good section. I had no problems imagining how everything looked each scene had a real feel to it because of the words you chose to use and how you structured them.

Quote:
James Brown was five feet tall exactly. He had wavy orange hair, amazingly pale skin, and usually wore black pants and a white collared shirt. The 30-year old man was a painter.
Excellent character description. It goes beyond the basic detail of what he is wearing his hair color. What you did was add another layer of detail and that adds depth to the character that can be built upon in terms of his personality and what not.

Quote:
He watched sadly at that Mt. Moon. Its beautiful yet primal boulders, larger than a Wailord. At night he could see wonderful cosmic auroras over it, colored green and purple, going across the sky.
~ Another good paragraph of detail that caught my eye. You not only used colorful words but you similes and other words that do more than provide detail.

Your Pokemon description were good also:

Quote:
It was altogether a pink star, the top and side spikes brown. Its stubby arms were up to its eyes, and it was crying. James knew of the Pokemon, but he had never seen one. It was a Cleffa, the baby form of Clefairy.
Quote:
It was a double ice cream cone, with two vanilla flavored faces happily looking at James. The cone itself was made of ice, and a straw stuck out of one of the heads, occasionally spewing out mist.
A solid mental image of the Pokemon looks like. To be honest there isn’t much more you could do to make this paragraph better outside of describing the sensation of its skin or the wetness of its tears. But that would be impossible at this point because the character hasn’t touched the little Pokemon.

Also done were the Pokemon attacks:

Quote:
The ice cream cone suddenly aimed its straw straight at the Graveler, and a great beam of white issued out, striking the rock Pokemon. Snow and ice formed around the part of the body that was hit, right on the head. Graveler grunted and rolled backwards.
Quote:
The Pokemon grabbed rocks from out of nowhere, and started chucking them at high speeds towards Vanilluxe. It tried to dodge them, but was nevertheless hit by many of the projectiles.
While you did have your attacks described good enough, there were some areas that were lacking.

Quote:
Suddenly the boulders turned to ice from the Blizzard, and then were sent onwards towards the Graveler as an avalanche. It hit the boulder-like Pokemon head on, and it tumbled back.
Blizzards just don’t suddenly pop up. You have describe the weather change, the onset of cold air etc. Remember that if an attack is used you need to show the reader what happens.

Quote:
Suddenly the snake got up, and part of its body came off thundering towards Archeops, who was hit head on. The boulders then returned to the user's body, clicking into place like a Lego.
I like this description simply because it made me smile.

Grammar:

Quote:
But now he knew: {H}e no longer had a purpose in life.
~ This doesn’t need to be capitalized.

Quote:
{Finally} he left, going onwards home. As he went down the road, he suddenly heard little stomps, and turned around to see the Cleffa, staring at him. {Sighing}, he went back {home}, the Cleffa following him.

At last he came {home}, and went to bed.

He awoke to see the Cleffa, crying out of hunger. Getting up quickly, he watched as the Cleffa looked around the room. {Finally} {sighing}, he went over and got out a small thing of bread. He watched as the small pink Pokemon devoured it, then {finally} rest, contented.
You don’t have an error here, it was word choice. As you can see here you used the bracketed words repeatedly and in a short amount of space. While not in error, this can be annoying for the reader as it is redundant. For situations like this you want to try and change up the words you choose to use. It can be a little hard trying to catch spots like these, but it is easier with time. Also, remember that this small principle applies to description as well. You don’t want to keep using the same words repeatedly unless it’s for a good reason.

Quote:
It's pretty cute, James thought, Maybe I'll keep it.
Another non-error. I would only suggest that you think about maybe using quotation marks or something other mark to set off thought. Some authors use the method and some don’t. It really relies on personal preference and how much thinking happens. If the character(s) tend to think alot in a story this method will help distinguish it from the rest.


Quote:
The ice cream cone suddenly aimed its straw straight at the Graveler, and a great beam of white issued out, striking the [r]ock Pokemon.
A first real error, although minor. Rock needs to be capitalized as it’s part of the Pokemon universe. This applies to all the other types as well, they all needs caps.

Quote:
“Vanilluxe,” N said, “[R]eturn.”
~ The part in brackets doesn’t get capitalized as it is an extension of the previous sentence because you have a comma after said. It the comma was a period then ‘return’ could be capitalized. You did this more than once:

Quote:
“Klinklang,” the young man said, “[U]se Thunderbolt on yourself.”
For future stories remember to watch out for this little mistake.

Quote:
Foongus suddenly started shooting out small little spores around the bird, and [it] looked in horror as they got closer, with no hope of escape.
~ The it here is too vague to be used as it is in this sentence. While based on the words it’s clear you mean for Archeops to be scared, the it refers to the Foongus.


Length: Just scraped by the minimum...


Overall: Both Captured. While you some problems in each section, the were light errors that could easily be corrected. The collective strength of story overrode any errors commited so I don’t have a reason to fail you. Remember the things I pointed out and I look forward to any other stories you write.
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