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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 10-05-2011, 03:26 AM
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Default Doors of Vision

Well, hello! This is a little short, chapter story thing I am just making up as I type. Tell me what you think! More to come later :D

Here goes.

Prologue


Sweat dripping down my face as I sit straight up in my bed, throat sore from screaming. My eyes shoot open and all darkness rushes in as I realize where I am. On a regular weekend "adventure" to the sleep clinic. I look around the small, white-walled room and wipe the sweat from my brow. I can't even remember why I am here as the nurse rushes in with a glass of water. Well, not really a glass, more like a paper cup.

Why am I in a sleep clinic? I am not really sure. But I think it has to do with these fabled "Doors" from my childhood. Everyone talks to me about them and all I ever say to them is 'What Doors?'. But my dreams seem to remember, all to well apparently.

Chapter 2


You see, these dreams I have been having, are happening in an order of five. As part of my treatment, I have to write about them in a journal as soon as I wake up. Every five days, the cycle repeats.
Here it goes, Dream 1.

Trees rush by my face faster than I can even see them. Just blurs of yellow, red, and brown. My face is raw due to rogue branches slashing across my face as I try to get away from some unknown being. I keep asking myself, what am I running from that is so dangerous? I have no idea, but I am too scared to look. All I know how to do is RUN.

The colors are starting to sparse out, and blue is visible at the very mid-point of my vision. I focus in on the spec of blue and watch as it slowly widens and becomes reality. Before I know it there is no more ground below my feet. Wait, yes, there it is, a thousand feet beneath me.

Wind rushes at my face and through my hair as I twist and turn through the air. Somehow, I end up looking back the way I came, a darkness is lingering at the edge of the cliff. I twist around, and the ground is closer, and I can see rolling hills of greenery.

Just a little way away, I can see the individual farms, animals, dirt roads, and rows of various vegetables. You probably think that I will almost hit the ground, then wake up screaming, right? WRONG! I smack facedown on the ground, right behind a cow. And yes, I COULD feel it.

I get up right as the cow makes a Splat noise on the freshly-cut grass. My whole body is sore, but I am glad I am alive. But everything seems too real to be reality. Wait, aren't I supposed to be dreaming? Anyways, it is still creepily real.

I look behind me and see more greenery. I look up and see...the ground? Well, part of it. Mainly the part that I fell off. And the darkness, getting closer. Time to go I guess.After patting the cow on the head, I walk away towards the nearest farmhouse. Which happens to be on the other side of various fencing. On my way, I start to notice something a little bit... strange about this place. First of all, the cows have no heads.


||This is the end of what I can write for tonight, sorry. What do you think so far? Potential? Leave comments ^.^||
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Last edited by Pichu1; 10-05-2011 at 11:52 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-05-2011, 03:29 AM
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Default Re: Doors of Vision

reserved
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Old 10-05-2011, 03:29 AM
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Default Re: Doors of Vision

just incase, RESERVE post!
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  #4  
Old 10-05-2011, 08:32 PM
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Default Re: Doors of Vision

Actually, this does have potential, if you can tie in the seperate stories into a greater arc. I have a feeling you are going for something a bit like TRAUMA, which I recommend you check out. It's excellent for finding the sort of dreamworld atmosphere you want to create. I'm interested in what the protagonist is running from, and whether it is an actual being or a representation of someone or something in his life. I'm especially interested in what brings the character to a sleep clinic, and how his apparent insomnia is affecting his life.

You are off to a good start in my opinion, especially because you don't use cliches such as:

"Just before I die I wake up suddenly, perfectly fine."

It's refreshing to see a dream where that doesn't happen, since it is common enough to have it's own TV Trope page.

Now, for the criticism and what can be improved.

I feel you could put more time into description and the build of the setting. I can get snippets of information, such as the progression from forest to the cliff, and then the farmland below. However, I feel I can get more immersed in a dream if it's extremely detailed, and you should try to build a more colorful setting. It was also pretty short too, and it's a stretch to call this one chapter, let alone two. This may be due to the short sentences, which are rarely compound or complex.

Second, you shift from writing about the dream to being inside it. It happens subtly, but it shouldn't at all if you want to maintain a sense of continuity. The transition is visible in the later part of the Chapter, visible in this sentence.

Quote:
Oh right, I'm in a dream.
If you are entering this in some sort of dream diary, the sentence should read:

Quote:
Wait, aren't I writing about a dream? Anyways, ...
See, with that sentence you maintain the point of view instead of shifting, which can confuse the reader.

Concerning the grammar, you could improve that too. To start, you need to put spacing between paragraphs. Without it, the whole story feels cluttered and messy, sort of like a brick of text whereas it should look more like a sandwich. The analogy works too, because people want to eat a sandwich, unlike the brick, which only masochists and Coney Island freakshow preformers would want to eat. I assume your audience is neither of the two.

Now, your sentences suffers from an ailment known as excessive commas. Commas should only be used when linking two different sentence segments together or listing, and are unnecessary in certain cases.

For example:

Quote:
Before I know it, there is no more ground.
That sentence can be improved, and with a better usage of the commas, you can do this:

Quote:
Before I know it there is no more ground below me, and I begin a long fall down into the rolling fields below me.
In that sentence, I both fixed the previous sentence, added detail, and used the comma where it is proper. More sentences like that are good for a story.

Finally, don't do what I'm doing with the exclamation marks, it makes a piece of literature look unprofessional!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!1

That's my review. I give this work my stamp of possible approval pending the imaginary committee of snarky critics inside my mind. Keep up the good work, and perhaps the committee will be mildly amused.
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