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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 09-01-2011, 02:42 AM
Kai-Mei Offline
Ultra RPG Official
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 43
Default Re: Crimson Tide

Yumm. You’re both my first grade and my first regrade. STILL CAN’T SEE HOW ANYTHING CAN POSSIBLY GO WRONG HERE. I’LL TRY TO BE CONCISE.

Between 20-60 and 2080 historians of the time dubbed that era: ‘The Golden Age’.
Uh, just bringing this up ‘cause I tried to correct you on colons in the original grade and I’m assuming I didn’t do such a great job. In this sentence, the colon is redundant – if you use the sort of cheating device that I brought up in the grade (replacing the colon with the phrase “that is”, ‘cause that’s pretty much how a colon works), your sentence would read
“…historians of the time dubbed that era that is “The Golden Era”
…which is kinda like… not really making sense. At all. Anyhow, I realize in retrospect that this rule isn’t going to work out that well, because if you wanted to say “the fish that is brown”, you can’t say “the fish: brown”. Think of it more as a punctuation mark that you’d use in the even that you’re modifying something, or otherwise lengthening part of a noun/phrase. And if that made absolutely no sense, you can bring it up again and I’ll be happy to dissect it in full explanation. ^.^

Glad to see you fixed up your introduction and shiz all pretty now, though. It flows a lot better with the rest of your story, and that’s definitely a good thing. You also did fix up some of your science-y bits (namely the plasma guns, with which I cannot argue because you can make them up however you want now, lol), although I do wish you had fixed up some of the others – things like the plasma whips and cuffs, ‘n whatnot. And ohgod that sounded really… strange. ._.

You seemed to have fixed some of the things that I’ve suggested in the grade, and I can leave a lot of the other things up to you since I can’t really try to override your writing style and whatnot, although I do wish that you had at least acknowledged some of the stuff I had said in my grade, ‘specially in regards to your characterization of the creepy alien race and your descriptions, in general. Not even the science or grammar shiz, lol, although that would’ve been cool if you had fixed all of it… eh, I digress. In addition, since you intend for this fic to be part of a chapter fic, I can safely assume that there are going to be some plot points or science things that you’ll want to introduce later. Like why the Pokémon can fricking talk to people like it’s nothing. Hint hint. But anyways. I think that you rewrote this to the point that I’ve reached a consensus. Huzzah.
Since the partial fail was kinda borderline near the end anyways, I’ll have no qualms in saying:
Golett: captured
Rotom: captured

Like last time, you were getting borderline near the end, but this time you were on the other side of the border. ISN’T THAT JUST FINE AND DANDY? Anyways, good luck in future parts of this story and have fun with your new Pokémon. ^.^
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