Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 08-10-2011, 01:01 AM
i-dance-like-ludicolo's Avatar
i-dance-like-ludicolo Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Castelia City(summers n Verdanturf)
Posts: 29
Default Venipede Story - Finished

Story to Catch Venipede
7,159 characters

Buzz! Buzz! Buzz! My alarm clock goes off waking me up. I moan as I roll over to stare at the Un-godly hour it has woken me up at. The face of the clock shows Four Thirty in bright red numbers. I hustle to get out of bed realizing that today marked the beginning of the capture season at the local Safari Zone. Today I was determined to catch my first real Pokémon. I quickly grab a pair of my heavy material forest camouflaged pants and a thick wool shirt. I tug the clothes on and then lace up my pair of hiking boots. Today was my day I kept thinking to myself.


I hurriedly scarfed down a large bowl of Lucky Charms as I watched today’s early weather report. Today’s meteorologist was a man who seemed new to the weather station for I had never seen this newsman before. The man named Professor Birch, who was a rather chubby fellow, explained that shifting weather patterns over night can cause a multitude of weather happenings today. He then went on to explain the weather phenomenon in a more “techy” vocabulary that was tough for me to understand so all I got from his ramble was that I should expect rain, snow or even hail today, or even all three of them together. I planned for the worst as I grabbed my heavy coat and my field sack full of recently-polished Pokéballs.


As I slipped out the front door of my small house, trying not to wake the neighbors, my faithful Stoutland, given to me by my friend who had recently moved to the big city, tiredly stumbles out behind me. Before I could tell him to get back inside he looks at me with his big brown eyes, pleading to let me take him. I cave in inside and decide to let him come along. I realize he’s a good companion that doesn’t make much noise, plus, his amazing sense of smell can help me find a Pokémon in the thick wooded area that is the local Safari Zone. I open the door of my old pickup truck for Stout and hop in on the driver’s side.


As I drive, I take note of the strange weather Professor Birch had been talking about. A moderately dense fog gently blanketed the landscape. Moisture collected on my windshield making it obvious to me that a fine mist was falling from the large cloud-cover overhead. I could tell already that I was going to get soaked while on the hunt today.


I make the turn off the paved road onto one of dirt as I draw closer to the Safari Zone. I had travelled this road a few times before but never had I returned with a captured Pokémon. I had always come too late in the Safari season when a majority of the Pokémon are in hiding due to the warmer weather. But coming this early in the spring, I knew I would find one. I pulled into the lot of the Safari Zone before the sun was up. I pulled out the tag I was given back when I pre-registered to go into the Safari Zone today. It said what day I was allowed in, which was today, and the GPS co-ordinates of the area of the park I was allowed to be in today. I quickly plugged the location into my Poké-C-Gear. The area I was to roam was a moderately wooded hillside on the far eastern side of the zone that I had never been to. I read over the hiking directions carefully and went around to the back of my truck to grab my small tent. I began my journey to the zone I was registered thus beginning my quest for my first catch.


Thankfully, there was a small soft dirt path that went most of the way to my area. I walked beside my best friend Stout, who contently wagged his long, hairy tail while looking at me from time to time, giving me that funny face that always made me crack a big grin.


The grass was saturated with a thick morning dew and the heavy fog I noticed earlier still persisted. The dirt I was walking on was still damp telling me that here it hadn’t rained that long ago. As I walked a breeze picked occasionally each time blowing a little stronger and making me a little colder. By now I was pulling my jacket around me tight clinging to the last bit of warmth that possessed. I finally came to my location after walking down one hill and going over another one. Surveying the land I noted that my Safari Zone area consisted of two large hills with many thin trees. The hills met in a ravine at the bottom where a small creek babbled. I found a small part of land where the trees were a little bit thicker and proceeded to set up my tent. After its completion I along with Stout hurried into the small space. I opened up the tents only window and began my watch for a Pokémon while huddling next to my Stoutland for warmth.


In my attempt to stay warm I fell asleep and I woke up a few hours later. The sun had almost risen above the horizon and the morning dew glistened like millions of tiny diamonds. I scanned my surroundings just as a light drizzle began to fall. I saw no Pokémon. I was close to giving up and going home but then I saw a small magenta head poking up through the soft earth. I hop out of my tent as fast as I could and drew my Pokéball , but it wasn’t soon enough. The little head popped under the ground as soon as it saw me. I was frustrated, so I threw the ball down in disgust. The ball shattered into a million pieces. I immediately regretted the decision remembering I only had two more. I decided to wait for this mysterious mystery Pokémon to re-appear. So I sat back in my tent and observantly watched and listened.


Eventually it began to snow. I don’t know what time it was because I had remained motionless for what seemed like hours. The sun had continued its gentle sweep through the sky and its current position led me to believe that the time was close to ten ‘o clock in But then I saw a pile of snow rustle, displace and then the same mystery head popped up. I waited this time; I let the creature wiggle its way out from underneath the ground. Once the Pokémon came up, I easily identified it as a Venipede of an undeterminable gender. It slowly crept towards me as if my camouflaged tent was extremely visible. It then stopped, tilted its head, and wiggled its two antennae. I knew it was my chance to strike. I lept up from my concealed position and threw one of my two balls at it. The Venipede used its twin tails and swatted the ball away. I changed my tactics and tossed a poke’bait towards it. The curious little Venipede averted its attention away from me to nibble on my bait. I carefully tossed my last Pokéball at the occupied bug.



The ball enveloped the Venipede and quickly closed around it. The tensest time in the entire experience was waiting for the capture to be final. The ball shook wildly. Then, all of a sudden, the ball just stopped. The entire world around seemed to stop and hang still. I carefully approached the ball, slowly picked it up, and realized, soon, I’ll have a Scolipede.(or pidge will ‘cause this is a story deal for him, lol) The next hours went by quickly. I hurried to the Safari Zone Check Station. The man checking my tag smiled when he saw my catch. “This is a nice ‘un you gats yourself here, son,” he said as he entered my catch into his computer.


I took the Venipede home, loved it, cared for it, took it to see Final Destination 5, and trained it into a powerful, Uber Menacing Scolipede.



THE END - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - THANKS FOR READING
__________________
You Know You Want To Dance Like Ludicolo Too!

Last edited by i-dance-like-ludicolo; 08-10-2011 at 01:38 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-11-2011, 05:42 PM
Buoyysel's Avatar
Buoyysel Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: olivine city, johto.
Posts: 51
Default Re: Venipede Story - Finished

Hey hey.
I'll claim this one too.
Expect a grade soon.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-13-2011, 01:18 AM
i-dance-like-ludicolo's Avatar
i-dance-like-ludicolo Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Castelia City(summers n Verdanturf)
Posts: 29
Default Re: Venipede Story - Finished

k thx, i cant wait lol :)
__________________
You Know You Want To Dance Like Ludicolo Too!
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-13-2011, 06:22 PM
Buoyysel's Avatar
Buoyysel Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: olivine city, johto.
Posts: 51
Default Re: Venipede Story - Finished

Introduction: The introduction is a very strong part to your story in that it's the make-or-break of whether a reader will become interested enough to start reading through your story. Your introduction isn't bad, either - you've got a good sense of how to hook readers into the story, so there's no need to explain hooks to you. We have the buzzing of the alarm clock, which, while simple, does actually draw the reader in - usually stories which begin with the start of a new day show promise to be something quite nice and at least fun to read if nothing else.

However, what we don't see in your introduction is a sense of introduction to character or location. We don't even know if the character you've provided us with is a girl or a boy, never mind his/her personality or even appearance. We also don't know where about in the Pokémon world this is taking place - of course, we get the idea that it's from Hoenn, seeing as Professor Birch features a little while later in your story, but we don't get much else apart from that. Even then, some people might not know that Professor Birch generally suggests Hoenn. We also get the opinion that it's set in Unova, due to the choice of Pokémon and technology that you've described, but this conflicts with our already-formed idea of Hoenn, giving us a disjointed limbo location, if you know what I mean.

Also, why would he be thinking that the day was his day? Was something exciting happening? Something new, something he was about to experience for the first time? Alas, no, according to your story. He just felt that it was his day spontaneously, which brings me to another point about an introduction - it has to at least hint at what the story is going to be about. If you're throwing about the whole 'today is my day' thing, people are not going to be expecting a random surge in weather accompanied by the strange capture of a Venipede - they'll expect an adventure-y kind of story, so you should make sure that your introduction is relevant to some point in your story, or readers might just feel that it's made no sense. However, I must congratulate you on your knowledge of hooking readers into a story.

Plot: This is the part where I summarise your story pointlessly in order for myself to crazily get an idea of what the story is about into my head; person goes out of house for a nice lil' drive to the Safari Zone, goes inside the Safari Zone where it starts randomly snowing and the main character gets freezing and he falls asleep. When he wakes up, he spots a Venipede and manages to capture it without even so much as a suggestion of a battle. This is not so original, and falls more towards the generic Pokémon story plot of 'Venture-into-wild-place-and-Pokémon-get'. Such plots as these don't work for captures above Simple-rank, really, so make sure that the next time you write a story that's above this rank that you use a far more original plot. As for simple, it at least needs some defining qualities, which you have a few of - the whole weather problem, although not well-written, was well-thought up and added something to the surroundings if nothing else, as well as the location of the Safari Zone.

What I would have suggested to do for this story, however, was to play more along the lines of the weather-related plot that you suggested in the beginning parts of your story, otherwise we feel that the weather element was introduced for no other purpose than to make your story a bit longer. It would have made for a better plot overall, and it wouldn't seem so displaced as the plot you've taken now - however, the plot you already have is fine for a Simple capture, as I've already pointed out. Anyhoo, the weather part to this story opened up a whole lot of possibilities to work with, although it seems you chose to ignore these possibilities and change the plot to a simple capture of the Venipede which had no relevance to what you had suggested earlier on in the story.

Continuing on, we have some problems with reality (>implying that the entire Pokémon world is perfectly realistic) - why would your character... firstly a) fall to sleep even though he's done nothing tiring that morning; b) wake up, fresh and ready to capture some Pokémon, but giving up after a few moments. Of course, this could suggest that the main character is a 'quitter', as in someone who expects a lot but doesn't put much effort in, but it doesn't seem likely with the context in which you've used it. Furthermore, the Safari Zone would be packed with wardens and such, who supply the trainer with 20 Poké Balls as far as I know... and yet your character doesn't encounter any wardens and the character only has two Poké Balls on him - you didn't even have much of a climax as far as the throwing Poké Balls were concerned.

Grammar/spelling: First, unnecessary capitalisation - you don't need to capitalise anything unless it's a proper noun (place or person, mostly). Secondly, usage of commas - they haven't been included in enough of the places that they should have been used in. You have some dependent clauses standing on their own without a comma to join them to another dependent clause or an independent clause. A dependent clause is an incomplete thought - a sentence or phrase that can't stand on its own so it's necessary to use a comma to join it to another incomplete thought (dependent) or a complete thought (independent). Generally, if a sentence sounds better with a pause in it, put a comma where that pause is.

Also, the layout of your story bugs me a little, the way everything is triple-spaced instead of the normal double-space. You only need to hit return twice, not three times, when making a new paragraph. By the way, you should keep your story in one tense - the first paragraph in your story is all present tense, but the rest of your story switches to past tense. Tense switches can be confusing within a story, and can disconcert or frustrate a reader to the point that they don't really want to continue reading your story. That's all I've got to say, really.

(By the way, I found the dialogue by the man at the end very amusing - literal, realistic dialogue iterations like that can bump up a story's appeal level.)

Detail/description: I felt that you simply didn't include any description in this story, just enough to get you by without actually writing anyway. We're trundling along in a senseless world for most of the story. Basic description is sensory description - describe the feels, smells, tastes (not usually included when describing most things), sounds and sights vividly. However, there is a line not to break - don't overly describe things, as this makes the story pause a bit just so you can get in some more description and halts the action unnecessarily. There is a fine line between not enough description and too much description, but as you continue writing you'll begin to learn where that line is and how best not to cross it. A little missing out of description can actually be a good thing for your story if you use it in the right places, because it may make the story seem a little more mysterious and you can hide things that may be important later in the story.

Also important in description is choosing the right words - if your story is uppity and adventurous, don't use words like 'melancholic' or 'depressing'... use bright words like 'exciting' or 'joyous'. It should be easy for you to notice if you read over your story when the description has gone astray from the general mood of your story - of course it can change, but you have to change your description to fit the mood.

Battle: There wasn't a battle. Again, like I say when people don't have battles in their stories, refreshing, so plus points for you for making a story which didn't need a battle to liven it up more.

Length: More than enough.

Outcome: Your story has all the requirements it needs to meet for a Simple capture, so Venipede captured. Try to keep in mind the things I've said - far more description in sensory form to show how things feel, sound and look like, fixing up the grammar for next time and a slightly more original plot can bring you into Medium captures, and even better improvement upon that can take you further with stories. If you plan on writing more stories, which most people do end up doing, then yes, you should definitely take into account my advice. You're doing well for Simple captures now, however, so keep up the good work. ;D
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-13-2011, 09:49 PM
i-dance-like-ludicolo's Avatar
i-dance-like-ludicolo Offline
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Castelia City(summers n Verdanturf)
Posts: 29
Default Re: Venipede Story - Finished

Thanks for the advice and the grade
__________________
You Know You Want To Dance Like Ludicolo Too!
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 12:15 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com