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Old 03-23-2011, 05:51 AM
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Default My Wish for Excitement

I wrote this story just now in about three hours... Btw, this is my first story. Hopefully you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

My life was always completely ordinary. I would go to school, yell at my sister, hang out with friends... sure, it wasn’t a bad life, but even after getting my first Pokemon nothing exciting happened. I just wanted a little excitement...

“Jack! Quite daydreaming! Mom wants you to take out the trash,” my sister shouted, taking me out of my delusions. With a sigh, I stomped down the stairs and to my front door, where two neatly tied trash bags were waiting for me.

“I wish for excitement and get trash... what a joke,” I whispered, taking the two rotten smelling bags into my hands and pushing open the door. It was just after sunset and the sky was taking on a blue hue, a few glimmers of light breaking through the darkness. I hurried down the stairs of my front porch to the family garbage bins, which were already standing on the sidewalk. Just as I finished dumping the bags away, a strange green glow caught my eye, and I turned to see a spaceship hurtling right towards my face!

I jumped down to a crouch and held both arms behind my head as the vehicle dove into the sidewalk, cement and tar bouncing off of my body. For a second I stayed crouched, quivering from shock as the dust and spaceship smoke wafted around me. I heard the ship’s door creak open as well as a voice.

“Whew! What a landing!” I heard it say, with a tone of accomplishment. “And it only took 30 light years to get here!” I heard it step closer.

“Ah! A living organism! Can you hear me?” it asked, tapping me lightly on the shoulder with what felt like a dull claw.

I screamed. “D-don’t eat me!”

It laughed. Suddenly, a pink bubble formed around me and lifted me into the air. I shrieked and flailed, only to slip on its soapy surface. The creature at last walked into my line of sight. “Do I look like something that would eat you?”

I gasped. This was not some slimy, tentacle covered monster, but a round, pink creature with dainty feathered wings and pyramid-shaped ears. The alien was none other than a Clefairy!

“You - I - what?” was all I could say, and the little Pokemon smiled.

“From your expression I’m guessing you have seen my kind before?” the Clefairy teased, bobbing my bubble up and down with a tilt of its finger.

“You... you’re a Clefairy, right?”

“Why yes, that is the ancient name of our kind,” it replied. “Seeing as how we lost contact with the fleet Coronis009 in the year 104... yes, I suppose I am a ‘Clefairy’.”

“So... um... is there any reason why you’re holding me up like this?”

“Actually, yes. I came to this planet to complete a very important mission, the retrieval of all lost Cerfan- er, Clefairy, that crashed on this planet. And you, Mr. Earthling, are going to help!”


“Mr. Earthling, I implore you to walk faster! The Clefairy lost on this planet have been waiting long enough, don’t you think?”

“I... can’t go any... faster with you... riding on top of me like that!” I yelled, and the Pokemon sighed.

“I already explained to you earlier; my legs have not been in use for such a long time that I can’t move them properly anymore. It will take months of physical therapy to get them up to snuff.” The Clefairy huffed. “Besides, I saw on the television that ladies always come first!”

“I think you’re just lazy...” I muttered, but she ignored the comment. Somehow this annoying little alien managed to win my family over with her story, and they sent us to Mt. Moon in search of her Clefairy ancestors. We were making our way to the peak, where a group of Clefairy was said to live.

The landscape was incredibly rugged, with tiny barbed plants dotting the area, catching my pant legs and scratching my ankles. The air was completely still, leaving my sweaty body with no cure. I licked my thirsting lips.

“How much... farther?” I gasped. I heard Clefairy unzipping my pouch and unfolding our map.

“Let’s see, hm? It looks like we’ve only got... three more miles to go!” she exclaimed. Kill me now, I thought.

“Ah, but look ahead, my darling! That cave seems close! Maybe it will hold some of my brethren!” I lifted my head, and sure enough, there was a small opening in the rock face ahead of us. Just the sight of it energized me, and I sprinted all the way to the cave’s entrance.

“Oh my! It’s so dark in here!” the alien said as we entered. I sat down so that she could get off of me. “Are we taking a break?”

“I can’t go any farther... that sprint took every last drop of energy out of me,” I replied.

We sat for a good twenty minutes with only the sounds of our breath detracting from the silence, until a low rumbling from the back of the cavern started.

“Do you hear that?” I asked, trembling slightly.

“Of course. Don’t misjudge my race’s hearing abilities! Our ears are ten times better than a human’s!” she hissed. The rumbling had become a roar.

I leaped towards Clefairy and snatched her into my arms before dashing out of the cave, right as the source of the sound came barreling through the entrance.

“Ooh, what a charming specimen! What is it called?” Clefairy asked, gazing cheerfully at the head of the rocky beast, whose eyes were slanted menacingly.

“Th-that’s an Onix and... I think we need to get out of here!” At the sound of our conversation the Onix tilted its face towards us, and gave a loud cry.

I ran as fast as I could away from the overly enlarged snake but it was steadily catching up, tearing the hillside beneath it to pieces. There was no time left to think.

“Bulbasaur, I know you don’t like me, but I really need your help!” I shouted, throwing my only occupied Pokeball into the air to unleash a snoozing dinosaur with a green bulb attached to its back. The Onix halted before it, ready for the challenge.

“Oh, what are you doing, Earthling? You can’t be thinking of fighting this ‘Onix’?” Clefairy cried, clasping her hands together as though she were a nun at church.

“Do you think that thing will listen to reason?” I shouted. “C’mon Bulbasaur, wake up!” It wouldn’t budge.

“On my planet, we always use diplomacy first, even when speaking with barbarians such as this.” The Clefairy leaped out of my arms, and floated her way to the Onix. “Now Mr. Onix, I am not from this planet and I am unfamiliar with its customs, but back in my solar system we do not disturb other citizens when they are at rest, no matter how angry we are. Do you understand?”

The Onix deliberated for a moment before smacking Clefairy into the cliff side with its tail. Bulbasaur stirred, and I felt a surge of relief flow through me.

“Oh, thank the Lord! Bulbasaur, I need you to-,”

Before I could finish the cliff trembled with a force more powerful than any I had felt previous and a voice more horrible than the ones in my nightmares echoed across the hill.

“So that’s how you want to play, huh?” it boomed. “You’ll regret making trouble with the heir to the Cerfanindus throne!” A burst of light erupted deep within the rock, and Clefairy floated out after it, saying in monotone what I recognized as a Lucky Chant.

Onix prepared itself and flung out its tail once more, only for Clefairy to dodge. “Get ready for your punishment, brute!” She raised her fist into the sky, light filling her palm. When the light stopped glowing, she glided to the Onix’s side and hurled her fist into the rock. The Onix cried out in pain. It quickly reoriented itself however, hurriedly curling its body around the now close and vulnerable alien.

“Agh! St... stop!” she cried, but the Onix only continued to crush her body.

“Bulbasaur, we have to do something!” I shouted. The spotted dinosaur Pokemon growled in assent, apparently only fit to listen to me when another Pokemon was in danger. “Use vine whip! And quickly!”

Two long vines shot out from inside the Bulbasaur’s bulb, smacking the side of Onix’s body repeatedly. The Onix only tightened its grip on its hostage.

“Hold... Jack. I can... get out of this!” Clefairy yelled. Her fist went into the air once more, preparing a burning fire. She dug her flame imprisoned hand into the Onix, causing it to yell out and loosen its hold on her.

The rock snake groaned, only moments away from fainting. “Finish it off with razor leaf, Bulbasaur!” I commanded, and the Pokemon shook leaves out of its bulb, sending them flying towards the Onix. The Onix gave one last tiny shriek before crashing to the barren earth, defeated.

I rushed to Clefairy’s side. She was breathing heavily, and had several scratches across her body from her crash into the rock and Onix’s Bind. “Are you okay, Clefairy?” I asked, bringing my hand to her forehead. She lifted her hand to touch mine.

“Nothing some rest... won’t fix. I’m not... used to walking, let alone... battling,” she muttered. After a short pause, she continued, “What should we do about that... Onix?”

“Oh, that? I’ll just leave it there for now. I still have to find your friends, right?” I smiled, and she giggled a little. “Let me heal you up, okay?” I slipped my bag off of my shoulders and rustled around inside until I came across a small spray bottle.

I lightly doused the medicine over Clefairy’s body, and her breathing became normal again.


By the time we reached the peak, night had fallen. “Huh... there doesn’t seem to be anything up here,” I said, kicking at the dirt.

“Ah, where are you, Clefairy? Why won’t you show yourselves?” Just as the words left the pink Pokemon’s mouth, a bright light shot into the sky from a few yards away. Clefairy and I nodded in silent agreement, and I took off with her balancing in my arms.

We soon reached a small dip in the mountain side, where dozens of Clefairy were gathered, each waving their hands back in forth in some sort of rhythm. “Okay Jack, don’t fail me now! Do as your family said, and throw a Pokeball at one of them!” Clefairy whispered.

“Are you stupid? If I threw a Pokeball now, all of the Clefairy would start attacking me! We’ve got to lure one off to the side somehow and get it alone...”

Clefairy deliberated for a moment. “I think I know what to do. Do you have food with you?”

“I have some berries...” I replied meekly.

“Than get those out. We will wait up here and let the scent of the berries attract some Clefairy.” Sighing, I emptied my bag of any berries left inside of it, and the two of us waited.

After a few minutes, a hungry face appeared before us. I quickly released Bulbasaur, who reluctantly stepped forward to fight with the Pokemon in front of it. The Clefairy readied its hand for a metronome.

Icy mist enveloped me, and I couldn’t see. “Bulbasaur, feel around for the Clefairy with Vine Whip!” I could hear the vines grazing across the ground, searching for their target. “Once you find it, use tackle!”

I heard a tiny shriek and the mist cleared. The Clefairy was on its rear, with Bulbasaur looking triumphant. “Now, razor leaf!”

Ten leaves shot towards the Clefairy at once, cutting into its skin. “Oh I wish you didn’t have to hurt it...” the alien Clefairy whimpered.

“Don’t worry, I’ll heal it once this is over,” I said, as the Clefairy started slapping my Bulbasaur repeatedly. “Use Take Down, Bulbasaur!”

Bulbasaur rammed into the Clefairy, leaving both it and the target in pain. I readied my Pokeball.

“Thank you Jack. I’m forever in your debt!” I smiled and threw the red and white ball at the Clefairy, thinking that I would miss my alien friend and the excitement she brought to my life...

Pokemon: Clefairy
Rank: Medium, 10-20 K
Characters without spaces: 9269
Characters with spaces: 11318
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Old 05-30-2011, 08:07 PM
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Default Re: My Wish for Excitement

Claimed. I'll have your grade posted in the next two days. :D

p.s. Scourge said that I passed the test so I assume that means I can start grading, but I'm not on the grader list yet so I can wait if I need too. :o
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Old 05-31-2011, 01:13 AM
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Default Re: My Wish for Excitement

Grade for My Wish for Excitement


As a whole, I thought the crux of the introduction was both creative and relative to the story. Jack’s wish fit in nicely with the Clefairy theme. ;D Additionally, I enjoyed the irony that you used in order to add humor to the story. It’s important to immediately draw the reader in and I felt that you did an excellent job in keeping the reader entertained while maintaining a consistent story plot.

Your intro had all of the basics such as the introduction of the setting and the characters but there were places that could have flourished with a tad more detail. The actual introduction of Jack was pretty basic. You established that Jack was a new trainer with only one Pokémon and that he yearned for something exciting to happen. Besides the fact that there wasn’t any description about Jack (Which I will get to a little bit later), I wondered why Jack was so bored. He just got his very own Pokémon. How in the world could he be bored? You could have added a part in the introduction that developed the relationship between Bulbasaur and Jack and possibly touched on why Bulbasaur didn’t like Jack.

All that aside, it did present enough information for a seamless transition into the story. :)

The main character, Jack, is a young trainer who feels that his life is entirely too “ordinary”. Wishing for an exciting event to transpire, he is slapped in the face with the thoroughly un-exciting job of taking out the trash. After Clefairy crash lands its UFO, it proceeds to “hire” Jack to help it find its alien kin.

Again, I enjoyed the creativity and uniqueness of the plot. For once, the Pokémon was in control of the human and it made for some refreshing changes that contributed to the overall appeal of the story.

My main issue with the plot is the absence of any reason why Bulbasaur didn’t like his trainer. As I said earlier, you could have added a part toward the beginning explaining what happened to make Bulbasaur dislike Jack. Without this explanation, the “Bulbasaur, I know you don’t like me” part was confusing and didn’t have as much an impact on me as it would have, had Bulbasaur been properly introduced.

Clefairy’s dialogue was superb. It made Clefairy memorable as a character. Through her dialogue she displayed her personality. One of the positive things I noticed was that her personality stayed consistent throughout each and everything she said.

Jack on the other hand was a bit dry by comparison. This is mostly due to his average personality but I felt that he was a bit robotic in calling out commands. “Use Take Down, Bulbasaur.” Could be tweaked to something along the lines of “Bulbasaur, I know it’ll hurt a bit, but I need you to use your Take Down attack.” Obviously you don’t need to do this every attack, but every once in a while would be nice. ;D

Most of your grammar mistakes were ones that Word won’t pick up. There weren’t many mistakes that you made consistently so I’m going to assume that most of them were typos.

“We soon reached a small dip in the mountain side, where dozens of Clefairy were gathered, each waving their hands back in forth in some sort of rhythm.”
Here, contrary to the way it sounds when we say it, back in forth should be “back-and-forth”

“Jack! Quite daydreaming! Mom wants you to take out the trash,”
Here, you should have said quit instead of quite. I brought this up because it was very near the beginning. Although you should avoid misspellings altogether, it’s especially important toward the beginning of the story because it will impose a skeptical opinion upon the reader early on… and you don’t want that. :P

Throughout the story, I noticed a lot of exclamation marks. Some people insist on that writers treat them as if they’re an endangered species. Although I don’t think it’s necessary to go to that extreme, I do think that it’s wise not to go overboard. In some places such as the example above, I think you should consider using a comma in place of the first exclamation point.

Your story also had an abundance of “…”s. Again, a few is alright, but I counted twenty-eight throughout the story. The majority of “…”s that should be replaced are at the ends of sentences.

If you catch yourself using an abundance of exclamation marks, “…”, or even repeated words, try to think of a alternate way to write it. Whether it’s swapping the word with a synonym or rewording the sentence, the difference it makes is larger than you may think.

It’s important as the writer to convey all the ideas residing in your head, to the reader. By all, I mean every ounce of detail that you envision. If you imagine Jack to be a tall, handsome, muscular guy of about sixteen, then say so. If you imagine him to be an awkward pre-teen with braces and a pocket protector, then say so.

My main issue with the story is that you barely gave any details about Jack, physically or socially. As the reader, I don’t know his age nor do I know the color of his eyes or hair. I also don’t know what he’s wearing. For all I know, Jack could have been a bald nudist streaking about Mt. Moon. (Maybe that’s why Bulbasaur didn’t like him :x)

For the most part, the description that you did include had nice flow. You did a decent job describing Clefairy but I’d like to see at least that much description for each character and Pokémon.

There were two battles so I’ll talk about them separately.

The battle versus Onix was pretty interesting. You kept the power pretty even throughout the battle, which is an important aspect in creating a captivating battle scene. Your description during this battle was pretty strong. I liked “The Onix gave one last tiny shriek before crashing to the barren earth, defeated.” It definitely added to the mood. :)

The second battle with Clefairy on the other hand was somewhat disappointing. There was virtually no description and the battle was fairly one-sided. I felt that the battle was forced. In all actuality, I think your story would have benefitted by not having a battle at the end. Instead you could have had (Main) Clefairy persuade the other Clefairy to come home, or perhaps it could have realize that the Clefairy were happy where they were and (Main) Clefairy could have asked Jack if it could join his team.

I’m sure you could think of something even better (as it is your story). I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to battle the Pokémon to capture it.

Your length did indeed meet the suggested minimum by about 1.5k. (Graders count spaces as characters by the way.) Although quality trumps quantity every time, I feel like there were definitely places where you could have added description and details (about Bulbasaur) that would have easily bumped your story near the middle of the 10-20k range.

The Final Verdict
Although it may seem like I was hard on you, it’s only because I think you have great potential to write amazing stories. It was a really good story, especially since it’s your first. The Clefairy character was genius.

I’d just advise you not to rush too much when you write your next story. I know you said you wrote it in three hours but in the end it doesn’t matter how long you spent on it. Sometimes, it’s helpful to take breaks in order for you to clear your brain and come back with new inspiration.

Enough blabber. Clefairy Captured. Congratulations on your first successful story. :D You really are a great writer and I hope to see more from you in the future.
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Old 07-22-2011, 03:56 PM
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Default Re: My Wish for Excitement

Thank you so much for grading this! I haven't been on Pe2k in awhile so it took me some time to notice. I'll take what you said to heart. :)
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