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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 04-09-2011, 06:31 PM
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WhiteBread1994 Offline
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Default First Encounter!

Hi! THis is my first URPG story so please be gentle with the criticism. Thank you.Btw: FINISHED Target: Magikarp Character Count:4022
First Encounter!

I sat up as the suns rays began to wash over my face. I slight snoring sound caught my attention and brought my gaze to my side. The pokemon Oshawott lay there in a peaceful slumber. Smiling, I looked out of the window into the still dusk-like lake. Ripples were rolling in all directions, otherworldy shapes forcing them. My hand found Oshawott's head and gently shook her.
" Oshawott....Oshawott...." She didn't stir. I wiped the beading sweat from my brow. As much as I hate to admit it, I can't stand the dark...and even less mysterious creatures hiding within.
" DENICE!" I said sternly. As if she was awake the whole time, Denice jumped to her feet. " Osha?!" She said in a panicked tone, looking back and forth. I held a finger to my mouth, croutching.
"Ssshhhhh." Denice stared for a moment before nodding and creeping back over to me. It still amazes me how pokemon can understand us so clearly, yet we can't interpret their languages...
I pointed toward the window and helped her up with my other hand, allowing her to peer into the now slightly lighted acre of land. Her little eyes widened as the shapes became clearer, along with noises. Even though her eyesight is better, I'm not sure she could make out the creature's herself. I yanke dher down and sat against the wall with her beside me.
" So," I began," want to be straight-forward or do you want to get the jump on them?" Denice tilted her head a bit before nudging her pokeball a bit. I nodded and held it up. " I like the way you think." Suddenly the red beam shot forth from the crimson sphere into the chest of the small Oshawott, spreading to the rest of her body and then scrambling her , drawing her into it. I huffed and crawled to the back door, where I carefully eased it open. Upon reaching the porch, I began to look around. The left side of the roofing was slightly lower, meaning that the ground had shifted slightlydue to erosion." There we go..." I stepped in sync with my heart beat, making the whole situation seem a little comical. Being as tall as I am I could easily grab onto the edge, where I pulled my self to the top. Choosing my steps carefully, I moved over the old and worn shingles onto the highest point of the small shack. I expanded Denice's pokeball and took a deep breathe." ALL RIGHT DENICE LET'S DO THIS! SPIN!" I yelled, throwing the pokeball as hard and high as I could into the air. It opened and out came the Oshawott, spinning as I had commanded. Although wobbly, it was a fair beginning." Good, now use your shell to balance and get momentum!" I heard a small grunt of acknowlagement as she took the shell from her belly. Holding it with both paws, Denice began to spin even faster. Soon, her spin began to refine itself into a well off spiral. It looked as if she was going in slow motion, much like a car wheel when you ride along side it. Slowly denice began to fall back down over the lake. The creatures seemed restless now.
"OSHAWOTT!" Denice screamed as she began to realize the direction of this plan. I luaghed, the first time I've laughed while she was in earshot.
" Now Denice, Hold the shell forward like a drill!" She obeyed,heading for one of the creatures at full speed. SHe was now thirty feet. Now Twenty. Ten. Two. A terrible howl of pain, splash of water, and the Oshawott war cry sounded. I jumpe doff the low edge of the shack and began to sprint toward the lake, rearing my arm back with a new and unused pokeball. Up shot Denice, who slammed into the shore. She quickly regained her footing.The creature landed a few feet from me, flopping helplessly.
Karp...karp karp." It sounded. Like a grenade, I tossed the pokeball. It opened and drew the Magikarp in with the same strange beam of energy. It began to rock as Denice and I celebrated." Oh YEAH! That's right, we bad. Who bad?" I asked, looking at her. Denice held up her arms.
" Osh-a-wott." She pointed at me with both paws." Osha?" I pointed back.
"We bad!" We continued on as the crimson sphere rocked back and forth.

Last edited by WhiteBread1994; 04-10-2011 at 02:15 AM. Reason: Put word instead of character
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Old 06-04-2011, 11:25 PM
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Default Re: First Encounter!

Claimed. Your grade should be done in 1-2 days. ~
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Old 06-05-2011, 12:54 AM
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Default Re: First Encounter!

Grade for First Encounter!

Essentially, a boy wakes up, sees ripples in a lake outside his window, and proceeds to battle it. This isn’t a terribly unique plot but, since this is an “Easiest” rank Pokemon, it’s fine. One thing I wondered as I read was, “Why did he decide to catch the Magikarp on that day?” I’m sure if he lived across from a lake, he knew there were Magikarp in it. So I think it would have been interesting if you had given your character a motif for catching the Magikarp.

If you decide to write for a harder ranked Pokemon in the future, you’ll need a more distinctive plot. But as I said earlier, for an Easiest Pokemon, you did a fine job.

Your dialogue seemed natural, and sounded the way teens actually talk. This allowed you to give your character a personality through his dialogue, which I found to be helpful in imagining the way he looked and acted.

Firstly, I’d like to suggest that in the future you don't use either red font or make it centered. Both elements make it difficult to focus on the story itself. (By all means use color, just not red… or yellow ;D)
Besides the font (which won’t affect your grade), there were a few areas where grammar could be improved.

As much as I hate to admit it, I can't stand the dark...and even less”,” mysterious creatures hiding within.
There are two things I’d like to point out in the example. Firstly, there should be a comma after the word less. Otherwise, it sounds like you’re talking about a less(<) mysterious creature. Secondly, the “…” here is unnecessary. Instead, you could have taken it out and reworded the second part a bit to make it flow better. (and I have an even greater fear of the mysterious creatures that lurk within it.)

There were also a few misspellings such as “otherworldly” and acknowledgement” in addition to some typing errors. I’d advise you to consider copy+pasting your story into a word processor such as Microsoft Word or Google Docs. This will show a large majority of your spelling errors and typos, in addition to telling you how to fix them. Reading the story through, after you finish writing helps too. :)

This section was your strongest. Your description, throughout the story, was consistently creative. I especially enjoyed the way you described certain actions such as the “stepping with the heart beats” part. It was unique and I liked it.

One thing I’d like to point out is that there were times when you needed to be a bit more precise in the explaining of what exactly was happening. For example: the part where he climbed onto the roof of a shack. You described the roof that had sunk, and then you talked about him walking along with his heartbeat. At this point, I thought he was walking away from the house when in all actuality; he was walking toward the shack because in the next sentence he “pulled himself up”. I recommend that when you describe something, and then you talk about something else, and then you come back to the original “something”, make a point to “re-introduce” the original thing. Here you could simply say, “I pulled myself onto the roof of the shack” rather than using the vague “top”.

Although the battle was only one attack, I really liked the way you describe that one attack. ;D The only dilemma, for me, was that I didn’t actually know what attack it was. It may have been a completely original attack, which is perfectly fine, however it would have been nice if you had said something like, “Get ready to do that move we’ve been practicing”, or something like that to let the reader know what was going on.

Also, in future stories, try to let the opponent get a few attacks in too in order to make the battle less one-sided. I’m not complaining at all concerning this story because Magikarp are terrible at battling. :D (Heck, if Magikarp started beating up Oshawott I'd have thought something was wrong.)

The length of your story was right in the middle (almost exactly) of the suggested amount. This is what graders like to see. ;D

The Final Verdict
Overall, you did a great job on your first URPG story. The biggest area that I think you should try to improve on is your grammar. The more you write (and correct yourself writing) the easier it will be to know where commas go. Keep up the good description. :D Without further ado, I will give you the bad news….
You’ll have to teach that Magikarp how to battle. :x All jokes aside, Magikarp Captured. :D
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me. Keep up the good work. :)
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