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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-18-2011, 11:30 PM
cats715 Offline
New Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 32
Default my fishing trip

well i hope this story has enough text, i dont have microsoft word to check. also why i have a phew grammer and spelling errors. i hope i manege to catch it this time. still not shure if its good enough but i added a bit of detail, made it longer, fixed some grammer, hopefully thats enough to get me a magikarp.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

my fishing trip


hi, my name is Joe. Last weekend i decided to go fishing. I grabbed my cheap fishing pole, packed a lunch, and headed off to a nearby lake. It really was a beautiful day. After about 20 minutes i reached the lake. I walked up onto the dock and cast out my fishing pole. Nothing happened for a long time, but finally, after about an hour, I got a bite.

I started reeling in my pole but the Pokemon fought strongly. Then, as i continued reeling it in, it jumped out of the water. Out of the water came the biggest Magikarp i had ever seen! It flew through the air waving its tail around splashing water everywere. but on its way back into the water, the line broke, and i lost it. I then set a new hook and bait on my pole and sadly continued fishing.

As i was fishing, i kept thinking i was seeing a large fin stick out of the water. It was the Magikarp taunting me i kept thinking. Just then i got another bite. this time a Remoraid jumped out of the water, but this time the string held. I continued reeling in until the fins i saw earlier went to the line. Just then i got a better look at who's fins they were. A Gyarados poked its head out of the water, ripping my line. I then changed my line, and sadly continued fishing.

A little while later i decided to eat lunch. I picked up my lunchbox that i had placed beside me and headed off to a nearby table. as i began to eat, i noticed another person fishing. He was wearing jeans, a white short sleeved shirt, and using a fancy looking fishing pole. then he started reeling in his pole. Out of the water he dragged a Goldeen! He then tossed a Pokeball at it. Clicked once. Clicked twice. Click. He cought it. I then continued eating. I soon finished eating, grabbed my fishing pole and continued fishing.

About 40 minutes later i heard splashing coming from nearby. I looked to my right to see the man i saw before, reeling in. But just then, a gyrados broke through the surface of the water, thrashing its head around, seeming to have ripped the line. the man then through a pokeball. out came a Spearow. It started rapidly pecking the Gyrados. With an angry roar, the Gyrados must have realised The spearow was to quick for it, and decided to retreat. i tried to say something, but the man walked away.

As night began to fall, and everyone began to go home, i was left there without one catch. i was not going home without a new pokemon. I continued casting until i noticed a strange looking pokemon floating out in the middle of the lake. it had the apearance as if it was wearing a hat and coat of some sort. Just then i got another bite. I reeled in in. at the end of my line was the huge Magikarp that i had failed to catch! i gave it a pokeball and... and... wait... that's not how it happened... I dident catch the magikarp... i hallucinated it. the pokemon in the lake must have been a Mismagius. They are known to cause hallucinations.

I angrily continued fishing. it must have been almost midnight. i was almost ready to give up and go home. i decided i would cast out 10 more times. If i dident catch something, i would quit. 1. I looked up and noticed it was a really nice night. Just then a flicker of light shot across the sky. a shooting star! 2. I made a wish that i would catch a Pokemon . 3. I began to wonder if i was just wasting my time here today... 4. I continued on like that until finally i was at cast number 9. I reeled in and cast out one last time.


if i catch it
a bite! I start reeling in. I had a good feeling about this one. it jumped out of the water to reveal itself as a Magikarp. It fought hard, but the string held. I reeled it in, and cought it! I gave it a Pokeball and happily went home, exausted

if i dont catch it
a bite! I start reeling in. I had a good feeling about this one. It fought very hard. But then i realised why. It wasent a fish. I had hooked a tree! I cut the line, and furiously ran home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~

well, theres my story. if i get the magikarp, then thanks. if i dont, then still thanks for taking the time to regrade the story.

Last edited by cats715; 03-22-2011 at 07:59 PM. Reason: redoing story
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  #2  
Old 03-21-2011, 12:35 AM
Turtwig's A-B-Cs Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 252
Default Re: my fishing trip

Yeah, a fast grade. Just because this is a Magikarp story, which doesn't take long to read, meaning a faster grade.

Introduction: This introduction, right off the bat, describes the setting for the whole story. It also sort of introduces you, the main character, albeit just in the word 'I'. I'm not exactly pulled in by the introduction. Maybe it's just me, but I feel it comes too strong. Maybe improve it by adding a sentence before it to act as the hook? Either way, you didn't really do a bad job in this category, just a little bit below to doing a good job. An introduction has two jobs, and it's very well needed to follow them, or the whole story could be ruined.

Plot: In this story, you go for a fishing trip. You come to the lake and see a Magikarp larger than any you've seen before. It breaks free though, and then you also fail to capture a Remoraid and Gyarados. Then, you see the Magikarp again, but it turns out to be an illusion. Then, the story ends (besides the part about if the capture is failed/successful).

It's pretty fast-paced, jumping hours at times. You might want to slow a bit down, and add some more stuff to close the gaps of time. Don't only took about what you've encountered. Talk about stuff like a lunch break, what other fishers were there, what lives in the water, etc.

Description: This story has very little description. People do want to know some information about the characters. Just be careful not to go overboard with that information though. Most people don't want to know everything. You basically just need to not do little, while not doing too much. More description is put into longer stories, less into shorter stories obviously, but never none unless the story is three words or something.

If you want to describe well, use the five senses when applicable. They can come in on many situations. Also be careful to not miss describing yourself if writing first-person. It's easy not to do so.

Grammar/Spelling: You did have some spelling errors, and most were near the end of the story. I'll note one I found:
Quote:
angrilly
It should be angrily, with only one l here. If you want more spelling corrections, use a spell checker. One can be found here if you don't want to search.

Another thing I found is that you never capitalized the word "I". It's one of those words you always capitalize, so don't forget to do that.

Finally, also remember to start sentences with a capital letter to make it easier to indicate new sentences. Punctuation can only go so far at times to split them apart.

I didn't notice any other recurring problems, so that's all for this category. Just remember what I said.

Reality: Indeed, some fisherman are unlucky. Sometimes, they don't capture anything in their lifetime. In this world, hallucinations can happen from a Mismagius. They can happen in the real world as well, with the fault being from a little tool called the mind. The only thing I noticed was that if you only brought one rod (apparently) and Gyarados ripped through it, how could you fish from there? You should probably explain how you got a new one, or is it like those cartoons? Either way, lack of description ruined some of the aspects of relation here. Still though, that's only one problem, therefore, this story is basically good when it comes to if these things could happen. It's actual one of the best categories this story has to offer, by far.

Length: 2600 characters. It's below the limit by 400 characters, which is a lot in the 3000 character spectrum. There were plenty of ways to add these characters, like by adding description or fixing the huge time gaps.

How I felt: To be honest, I felt not much effort was put into the story itself. It was really quite barren, and could get some spicing up with a little description. A story is not just this and that, it's a whatever this and whatever that. Not meeting the length mark either was a huge thing, because 3000 characters isn't that much.

Outcome: Sorry, but Magikarp isn't captured. Your biggest error was simply not meeting the length. Try adding some description and stuff to meet the 3000 character mark, and give me a shout by PM/VM/IM/Whatever when you're ready to have the story regraded.
__________________
Specs Unown
Hidden Power
This is an ingenious moveset spread across the ages, constructed piece by piece with painstaking care in the arching caverns and ancient machinery of the most devious and cunning hive mind in the history of anything. This moveset brings Unown's fullest potential into the light. His most powerful move, Hidden Power, rips through Magikarp, Hoppip, and Feebas with its unimaginable power, 2HKOing and OHKOing Magikarp and Hoppip with Hidden Power Ice, respectively. A neutral Hidden Power gives Feebas the ol' one-two-hit KO. When facing such opponents, Unown is unbeatable.
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  #3  
Old 03-21-2011, 11:16 AM
cats715 Offline
New Trainer
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 32
Default Re: my fishing trip

ok. i understand i could make this story better im just really bad at writing. ill think about what you said and try again.
i honestly dident expect to get it i just wasent shure what to write, so i entered it

Last edited by cats715; 03-21-2011 at 11:19 AM.
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  #4  
Old 03-21-2011, 12:29 PM
Turtwig's A-B-Cs Offline
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 252
Default Re: my fishing trip

Quote:
Originally Posted by cats715 View Post
ok. i understand i could make this story better im just really bad at writing. ill think about what you said and try again.
i honestly dident expect to get it i just wasent shure what to write, so i entered it
Hey, that's completely fine. If you want some help, you could ask another writer to read over it and give their feedback, then edit your story to fit that.
__________________
Specs Unown
Hidden Power
This is an ingenious moveset spread across the ages, constructed piece by piece with painstaking care in the arching caverns and ancient machinery of the most devious and cunning hive mind in the history of anything. This moveset brings Unown's fullest potential into the light. His most powerful move, Hidden Power, rips through Magikarp, Hoppip, and Feebas with its unimaginable power, 2HKOing and OHKOing Magikarp and Hoppip with Hidden Power Ice, respectively. A neutral Hidden Power gives Feebas the ol' one-two-hit KO. When facing such opponents, Unown is unbeatable.
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