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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 02-10-2011, 02:19 PM
Zan Sabrefang's Avatar
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Default Diary of a Lazy Kid - The Hard Road to Victory

Quote:
Okay, so I'm sorry if this isn't supposed to go here, but I didn't know where else to put it. If anyone has any feedback for me I would appreciate the critique and obviously if it's terrible I will drop it and move on to another project.

There is very mild language.
"Ah crap, I left my TV on again? I am so getting a lecture about electricity when I go down for breakfast..." I wasn't the the most active of young teens growing up, in fact; I was outright lazy. We had just moved house from the Johto region and it was the middle of winter, but in this god forsaken new land it felt like the middle of spring. I picked up my phone and spotted the time. "Damn, I overslept again and missed breakfast... Oh well, I'm just in time for lunch." I peeled myself out of bed that morning and made my way downstairs after adjusting my boxer shorts, completely unaware of the events that were already unfolding only a few houses over.

"Evenin' Zan." The familiar sarcastic tone of my mother rang loud and clear through my still half slumbering teenage brain. "Lunch is on the table and you-"

"I know, I know, mum. I left the TV on last night. Sorry." Something strange was occurring, she was not complaining as she turned around, but smiling instead. "Oh geez, what?"

She perched on the seat opposite me at the table, still with her oil covered spatula in her hand. I remember watching droplets of grease splash on the table as she waved the utensile around and told me about what she had planned for me. "This town is too small for you, Zan. You need to get out and see places... I don't think you've even been as far as Sandgem since we've lived here." She was right of course, but what reason would I have had to venture out of my quiet little hole of a town? "Prof Rowan is at the lake today and I arranged for you to go and help him out with his studying."

"Awww, mum! I had plans today!" Of course I hadn't. I would have probably done what I usually did and sat in front of my Wii playing the least active game I could dig out. It was usually Pikachu Kart. I'd play it online as it was one of the cheapest ways for me to stay in contact with my friends back in Johto besides capturing and training a Pidgey to deliver my mail. Which of course sounded like too much effort to accomplish.

"Don't lie to me, Zan." My mother's infectious laugh made me smile as she stood from the table and went back to flip her delicious pancakes. "Nut is going too. His mother said he's just like you so we thought we'd get you two to meet each other."

"You do know that if we get along, it will just be an extra mouth for both you and his mother to feed every now and then while we sit around and play computer games?" I laughed too, calling my mum out on her opinion of me and probably all people my age. The pancake that flew towards me, still hot from the pan took me off guard as it flopped right into my face. Again I couldn't help but laugh as I peeled it from my face and placed it down on my plate. "Alright! Alright!" I stood and adjusted my boxers again before heading to the stairs. "What time do I need to be there?"

"You're already late."

After about thirty minutes of searching for something closely resembling clean, I emerged through a small cluster of bushes beside the lake looking as scruffy as I ever had. I had waved off my mother's comments about good impressions and I had just finished the pancake she had assailed me with as Prof Rowan called out my name and gestured for me to come over to where he had set up.

"Your mother told me you'd be late." His voice was gruff, but somehow warm. "She mentioned you'd look like you just crawled out of bed too..." Warmth gone. This man was was just plain rude. "Better late than never I suppose. Nut is over there collecting some samples of the water for me, so why don't you put that belt on, pick up a scraper and collect a few samples from the grass behind him for me?" The belt he pointed at was laden with test tubes and it didn't take a rocket scientist to realise he was to scrape the grass samples into them. With a huff I did as I was told and made my way to the shore where a boy my age, with blazing blonde hair and a questionable fashion sense busied himself.

"Yo..." I was the first to interact, but the other lad was more than happy to introduce himself.

"Oh hi! Zan right? I'm Nut." He laughed as he tapped a finger against his bottom lip. "I'm going to fine you ten-million for being late!" Obviously this kid had ADD or something as he continued to ramble without letting me get a word in edge wise. He kept asking me questions and then seemingly forgot to let me answer them before he would ask another. When I finally did get to speak he had already half learned my entire life story.

"So what're you in for?" I tried to smile and be as friendly as I could, but I had been scraping grass and listening to him for so long that I was close to losing the will to live. It wasn't until he told me that I started to pay attention.

"Oh! I'm here because once Rowan has completed his research he is going to teach me about Pokemon so I can become a trainer. Of course it takes a lot of studying to be invited by a professor to raise Pokemon, but in a year or two I should be ready to set out and become a Pokemon Master." It intrigued me at first, but then I imagined how much effort it would take to study and then trundle around the region to collect the badges and make a name for myself.

I shrugged it off and went back to collecting the samples, but after a few minutes of silence I found myself actually missing the background noise of Nut's voice, so I decided to throw out a bone. "So... Do you like computer ga-" A sudden gust off air took Miyo off of his feet and tipped Nut into the lake and I couldn't help but laugh as I stood up and walked over to offer him a hand and pull him out. "What was that?" I was still chuckling when it happened; the blood curdling scream that sounded like a woman had just found her husband lying brutally murdered in a horror movie. I span on my heel to see a grown man screeching at the top of his lungs, trying to pry bits of paper out of the mouths of a group of Bidoof and a couple of Starly.

"My research!" He squealed again and again so naturally Nut and I ran towards the helpless old man to help him out. "My briefcase! Open my briefcase!" Honestly, the professor's girly screams were amusing me to my very core, but rather than fall over laughing I opened the briefcase which was filled with red and white, shiny balls. "Take one and use it!" Nut didn't need to be told twice and his hand streaked passed me and into the leather hand luggage and clutched the first item it came into contact with.

"Pokemon! I choose you!" He threw what I later learned to be very familiar with, a pokeball and it erupted in a blaze of blue energy that gathered into one space and formed another creature. This one was different from the Bidoof though. It was a- "Score! Go Turtwig!" Ahem... It was indeed a Turtwig. The little tortoise immediately dived into battle, leaves erupting from it's back which caused the professor to squeal even more about his research as he gathered the paper that had fallen to the floor. The whole thing looked like fun, so I looked down and stared for a couple of seconds before I closed my eyes and picked a pokeball of my own.

Now at this stage I was completely new to the whole Pokemon thing so I simply mimicked my new friend and launched the ball into battle, yelling something that I would be ashamed to admit if I was asked. "Pokemon! I choose you!" What? I was new, I just said that. When I found out I didn't have to say that every time I threw the damn thing, I was so embarrassed that I could have gone home and not left my bedroom for a week, but by that time I was so far away from home, it would have taken me days to get back.

Once again, the energy dissipated and revealed the monster that had been dwelling within the confines of the device and I grinned. It was a pissed off looking penguin with an evil glint in it's eyes. "Okay, Penguin thing! Get in there and help that Turtwig out!" I'll never forget the condemning glare the Pokemon gave me as it glanced back over it's shoulder. I felt as though I had been frozen in a huge block of ice which sent shivers down my spine, but sure enough the cute little monster dived headlong into battle too.

"Zan, that's a Piplup." Nut was now stood beside me as his Turtwig tackled, head butted and growled mini shock-waves at the attacking beasts. "Just get it to tackle them, that should be enough to get them to run away."

I felt like someone playing a sport for the first time. I had no idea what I was doing and I was stood like a complete lemon. "Umm. Okay... Piplup? Use tackle?" That glare again... He really didn't like me, I could tell. I have a sense for these things and I always have done. As the petite penguin's attention fell back on the assailing Pokemon, the ground started to rumble and Piplup looked as though he was going to explode; shaking for a few seconds before the display that made me want to become a trainer burned itself into my memory. Water seeped up from the ground and encased my Pokemon partner before exploding outwards in a devastating whirlpool. "I'm fairly new to this Nut, but that doesn't look like a tackle attack."

"It isn't..." We had all stopped still as the pillar of water grew taller, the wild Pokemon frozen in fear as they coward in it's shadow. The whirlpool suddenly sprung forth and carved a path through the ground, picking up the wild ones as it moved towards the lake. Nut and I had to dive aside as it passed us, the ground still shaking from the power of the attack which dissipated as sudden as it formed as it reached the centre of the lake. The Bidoof and Starly fell from the sky and splashed down hard into the water, but Piplup came out of the attack performing an elegant back flip that carried it back to land.

"That... That... Was amazing!!!" I rushed towards the Piplup which simply raised it's beak in the air and walked back to it's pokeball, pressing the small button and disappeared back inside it. I picked up the ball and gushed over it like a crazed fan boy, hugging it to my chest. "I must have it! I wanna be a trainer too!"

I looked up to see Rowan and Nut gazing down at me with expressions that displayed their belief that I was in fact insane. "I think that's enough for today, boys. I'm going to get packed up and head back to my lab. Can I ask that you both come and visit me in the morning? I have a small task for you. In the meantime, keep hold of those Pokemon for me. They were freshly hatched specimens and I don't want to mess anything up by pulling them away from the first people to use them." My eyes must have lit up like Christmas trees as the professor spoke and without any further words he turned to leave.

"I gotta get home and show mum!" That's right... I had my first taste of power and all I wanted to do was rub it in the face of the woman who selflessly raised me. All I can say is that I was a different person on that day than I am now.
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  #2  
Old 03-08-2011, 07:58 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
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Default Re: Diary of a Lazy Kid - The Hard Road to Victory

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
I wasn't the the most active of young teens growing up, in fact; I was outright lazy.
That comma and semicolon should be the other way around. The use of semicolons works when a sentence ends and when what follows can stand as a new sentence. You used it in the right sentence, as in, "in fact, I was outright lazy" is a sentence on its own but it can go perfectly with a semicolon after the previous sentence because of the link and relevance to the previous sentence. I'm blabbing. xDD But yeah, switch 'em around. :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
"Evenin' Zan."
You always need a comma before a character's name if they're being addressed in such a fashion. =]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
"I know, I know, mum.
Since he's addressing his mum as "mum" is her name, the M needs to be a capital. When he's just saying 'my mum', then that's fine and it can stay as a lowercase m.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
Something strange was occurring, she was not complaining as she turned around, but smiling instead.
That first comma should be a semicolon because there's no joining work like 'and' or whatever (since it doesn't fit there) for the comma to make sense.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
She perched on the seat opposite me at the table, still with her oil covered spatula in her hand.
I really love this image! xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
I remember watching droplets of grease splash on the table as she waved the utensile around and told me about what she had planned for me.
I'm a little confused about him saying he remembered it. I thought it was happening as it went on. o: Also, 'utensil' doesn't have an e.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
"Prof Rowan is at the lake today and I arranged for you to go and help him out with his studying."
If 'Prof' is only written to make it shorter, I think you should change it to 'Professor'. If that's how she would really say it, then don't worry about changing it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
I had waved off my mother's comments about good impressions and I had just finished the pancake she had assailed me with as Prof Rowan called out my name and gestured for me to come over to where he had set up.
Since this is the 'narration' part, he should say the whole of 'Professor'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
"Better late than never I suppose.
Comma after 'never'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
A sudden gust off air took Miyo off of his feet and tipped Nut into the lake
Who's Miyo? o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
He threw what I later learned to be very familiar with, a pokeball and it erupted in a blaze of blue energy that gathered into one space and formed another creature.
'Poke ball' is two words. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
The little tortoise immediately dived into battle, leaves erupting from it's back
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
It was a pissed off looking penguin with an evil glint in it's eyes. "Okay, Penguin thing!
Okay, these two paragraphs have something in common. They both state that the pokemon is an animal. Pokemon are not animals. People often call a flareon a fox or a pikachu a mouse, but they're mouse-like or fox-like. Then again, do animals exist in your pokemon world? If so, then that's okay, but if not, how would the characters know what an animal is, let alone know what one looks like enough to compare it with a pokemon? Think about it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
I was new, I just said that.
That comma should be a period or a semicolon.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
I'll never forget the condemning glare the Pokemon gave me as it glanced back over it's shoulder.
The only time you should write it's, with that apostrophe, is if what you're writing is short for 'it is'. If the word is possessive, like "its back leg" or "its blue colour", then you never, ever have an apostrophe. Keep that in mind. =]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
"Just get it to tackle them, that should be enough to get them to run away."
Again, there's no joining word between the word before the comma and the word after the comma, so therefore the comma should be a semicolon or a period. You can only ever use a comma if what comes before and after cannot be separate sentences that make sense. 'Kay?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
I had no idea what I was doing and I was stood like a complete lemon.
Get rid of 'was'. Wait...a lemon? xDDD Why a lemon?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
He really didn't like me, I could tell.
How does he know it's a male piplup? o: You should probably point out that he realised (somehow), or you should have Zan continue to call him an it until he finds out the piplup's gender.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
I have a sense for these things and I always have done.
Random 'done' that shouldn't be there. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
shaking for a few seconds before the display that made me want to become a trainer burned itself into my memory.
That sentence is incomplete. o.o

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
"I'm fairly new to this Nut, but that doesn't look like a tackle attack."
By not having that comma before he addresses Nut, it's like he's calling someone a Nut. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
We had all stopped still as the pillar of water grew taller, the wild Pokemon frozen in fear as they coward in it's shadow.
[QUOTE=Zan Sabrefang;3246186]First off, 'coward' is the noun--it's what you call someone who isn't brave. It should be 'cowered'. x) Secondly, it's should be its.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
I rushed towards the Piplup which simply raised it's beak in the air and walked back to it's pokeball, pressing the small button and disappeared back inside it.
'pressing' should be 'pressed', OR 'disappeared' should be 'disappearing' so that they're both 'ed' or 'ing'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Zan Sabrefang View Post
All I can say is that I was a different person on that day than I am now.
Ahh, right, so he's telling us this from the future, which is what the 'remembered' thing was about earlier? x)

Alrighty! Done with those pesky typos! First off, I'm glad I finally got around to reading this. Sorry it took me so long, and I hope the delay didn't discourage you or anything. o: I think it's fairly interesting that you've started off with the game formula (and change it, of course, but I mean the whole 'starting in Twinleaf, Barry [or Nut] is the neighbour, Rowan at the lake, etc), but put your own twist on it, of course. I love the notion of a stuck up piplup; it makes me laugh. xDD Some things did irk me slightly, like your use of using animals to describe the pokemon, but other than that it was practically great. The grammar could use slight tweaks, but only the things I pointed out.

Are you writing this in Word? It's the handiest way to write stories, and if you don't have that, then I recommend downloading Open Office.org, since I used to use it instead of Word (although these days I prefer Word) and it's free. If you can't do that, then your next option would be Wordpad, which kinda sucks, but it's better than nothing.

You've started off at a good length; too many people have shorted chapters than this, but this is a good starting off size until your chapters get longer (trust me, it happens). I'm interested to see where Zan goes, because, being as lazy as he is (which I can relate to!), he obviously won't make all the same choices as most other pokemon trainers. I'll be looking forward to reading more, and to see what kind of twist you come up with. o: And the interesting journeys of Zan, the lazy kid, and his stuck up piplup (who also hopefully gets a name)! :D

~GS.
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