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  #1  
Old 02-25-2011, 04:58 PM
lilac10 Offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Default What do u think of my fan fic at the moment any advice taken and used as much as pos

“Mollie, get up now, you’re going to be late!” My mother exclaimed, once again trying to wake me up from what was a peaceful and relaxing sleep.

“But mum, it’s Saturday,” I replied to her, still feeling sleepy.

“No, Mollie, it’s Monday and you need to get up now or you’re going to be late for your first day in boarding school,” She debated, obviously reminding me of how carelessly I had forgotten which day of the week it was.

Still, she knew how I didn’t want to go to boarding school. I hadn’t been looking forward to this either, not sure of what even to expect once I got there. I figured if I tried resisting long enough, I might just convince her this whole thing wasn’t worth either of our time.

"But mum, you know that I don't want to go to boarding school," I told her, keeping my head firmly on the soft pillow.

“Well, you have to, there’s no other choice,” She told me, insistent on trying to get me up and going. “It is the best school to teach you to be a Pokémon master, and you can make some new friends. Now get dressed, you’re going to be late.”

I figured it was pointless to try and resist at this stage. In truth, if I had given up on this opportunity before I had even started, I was probably going to be kicking myself later on. Besides, it couldn’t have been all that bad. It wasn’t like I had been convicted and was now being sent off to jail, right?

“Okay, fine, I give in,” I told her with a sigh, throwing the bed sheets aside as I turned to get out of bed and get back on my feet. “I’ll go.”

I was still a little tired, but I figured once I got moving around, I’d probably shake that off. Happy that she had won against me yet again in the battle of the morning wake up call, she left the room, and I quickly got to changing into my new school uniform, which consisted of a white polo shirt that had the Pokémon High logo and the Pikachu mascot embroidered into it. With that, I put on the navy blue skirt with tights and the simple, shiny black shoes that accompanied the rest of the uniform. Once that was done, I looked at myself in the mirror nailed to the back of my bedroom door, and took my pink hairbrush to brush my long, golden hair down. After that, I deftly tied it into a ponytail, and then put in my bright blue hair clip. Once that was done, I looked at my reflection and smiled, honestly feeling this wouldn’t be so bad after all.

After that was taken care of, I opened the door and headed downstairs to grab breakfast while I couldn't help but what kind of experience I was in for. I tried to eat my breakfast as slowly as possible. I guess I was kind of nervous, but who wouldn’t be, I was going to a new school. But I’m sure I will be alright, I shouldn’t worry I will have a great time. Well I hope I do. Anyway… I had finished my breakfast so I grabbed my rucksack hoping we were snowed in or something. I then realised that, the chances of that happening are none because it was the start of the summer. I put that thought out of my head and decided to go and sit in the car. My mum walked out and locked the door behind her. We then headed off towards Pokemon high. We finally arrived after what seemed to be an endless trip. I then stepped out of the parked car. And headed to my Mum who had my suitcase and bag. I didn’t want to make too much off a fuss so I gave my mum a quick hug and said,

“I will see you soon, bye mum.” I then ran off as a tear dropped down my mums eye as she smiled.

I walked up to the main entrance, with a massive smile on my face, it seemed like I had never been nervous at all. As I slowly but casually walked into the school, I collided with what seemed to be a boy with short dark blonde hair.

“Oh sorry.” I exclaimed, Picking up my belongings

“No it was entirely my fault.” He replied helping me pick up my things.

“I’m Mollie by the way” I replied, slightly dazed by what had happened.

“ Im Jeffery formally known as Jeff.” He said, then asked “So what classes do you have?”

I nervously replied, “well to be honest I have only just arrived and need to see the head teacher so she can give me the guide to this school.”

He then offered to take me to the head teacher, who was to be known as miss smith. Which was no more than two minutes away which was good for me who had to lug this suitcase around the school. He took me to the main reception where Miss Smith was.

I then quickly replied. “Ok then Jeff I guess I will catch you in class sometime.”

He nodded and trotted off rather happy with himself. I then got greeted by the head teacher Miss Smith, she smiled at me then said.

“You must me the new girl Mollie”

I hastily replied, “yes nice to meet you, please could you show me my room and give me my planner with all the classes in.”

She said to me, “ I will in a minute first I need you to pick one of these three Pokemon, Shaymin or Manaphy.

Shocked I asked. “But miss aren’t they legendary’s?”

She smiled and said. “I see something in you that I don’t see in most students, yes these are legendary’s and I think you are deserving of one, only three other students have received legendary’s, I think you all could become good friends.”

I replied still shocked. “I would be honoured to take one, so I will have shaymin.”

She then handed me a poke ball and a small bag containing Gracidea flowers then
Said,
“using these flowers you can turn shaymin into its sky form.”

I thanked her, then she handed me my planner with all my classes on and a pass card on it was room 288 so I was guessing this was where my room would be. I walked down a few corridors and followed the sign that said, Girls rooms 280-290. I approached the door way and put my card in the slot. It then returned and the door opened.

Wow the room was amazing, it had two beds both made with a white with purple flower duvet as well as matching pillows, It had matching wall paper, it also had a flat screen television equipped with a Nintendo Wii. There were two desks next to each other as well as two purple net books . I ran to the window to see what sort of view we had. Perfect it was a view on the Pokemon ranch that was holding all the schools Pokemon as well as a free roaming forest, I then thought to myself maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. I was putting my stuff away when a girl came walking out of the bathroom with a magenta towel wrapped around her hair.

I didn’t want to scare her so I quickly said, “Umm hi I’m Mollie your new room mate.”

She half smiled and replied, “Oh hi I am Hermione I guess you’re the new girl everyone’s been talking about. She then said, “I will be back in a sec I need to get changed before lunch time.”

She put on a pair of pink bottoms and a pink skull shirt.

I then said “I thought we had to wear school uniform all the time.”

She giggled and said, “that’s only for special meetings and stuff you can wear whatever you want in lessons and daily activities.”

I replied, “I though we had to wear uniform all the time.” I then opened my suitcase and to my surprise there were all my casual clothes. I laughed and said,
“I guess my mum new about that already, I must have forgotten like always.”

Hermione laughed and took a pair of blue bottoms and a blue shirt out of my case and threw them to me. As well as a blue and white striped jacket and blue trainers. I quickly put it on then she passed me my blue strap bag. I thanked her and put my planner it. Hermione grabbed her bag too, then coincidently the bell rung for lunch.

I followed Hermione through the school all the way to the cafeteria. We then lined up for our lunch. Which wasn’t to bad I guess. Then I was greeted by Jeff again. Hermione said. “You already met Jeff?”

I laughed and said, “We kind of bumped into each other.” At this point both of us were cracked up laughing.

Then Jeff took me and Hermione to our table. I sat down next to Hermione and Jeff, he then introduced me to everyone.

“Right this is Drew.” He exclaimed pointing at a boy with brown hair and dark blue eyes. He had a certain glimpse in his eyes when I smiled and looked at him.
“Then there’s Beth and Alice.”

He pointed at two girls sat next to drew. One was rather tall with long brown hair the other long dark brownish hair
“Then finally there’s Harry, Toby, Dan and Liam.”
Dan was as tall as me and had short brown hair and Harry had a maroon coloured hair, him and Toby were twins. Liam well Liam was my cousin, he had messy blonde hair, and blue eyes. I didn’t think people knew we were related so I shouted out,

“You do know I’m Liam’s cousin right?”

Everyone looked at each other then shook their heads and Liam just looked at me. It was a bit of an awkward silence. I thought I would change the subject also breaking the silence so I said,

“So I wonder what lessons I have next?” I then looked in my planner and saw that I had coordination next. I had only seen it on the television so I was excited.

All of a sudden the boys started giggling. Then all I heard Liam say to drew was.
“But she’s my cousin that would just be weird.” Drew then blushed, I looked at him and he smiled at me.

I was kind of confused but carried on the conversation by saying. “I have got coordination next anyone else got that too.

Drew, Hermione and Harry all said “I have coordination.”
At the same time, I laughed and said. “Shouldn’t we be going to the coordination hall?”

They all nodded and I followed them to the hall.

The hall was massive and looked just like the contest halls that I used to watch on the TV. We walked over the the seating area to wait for the teacher. I was unaware on what to expect so I just sat there next to drew and the others kind of excited.

Then Fantina walked out and my mouth dropped. I mean here I am at this boarding school on my first day and I’m getting taught by one of the most legendary coordinators there is. I finished having a moment their and listened to what she was actually saying rather then thinking about who she was.

“Hello class today we are going to be working on making our Pokemon look good during contest battles. Now first I would like you to get in to partners, you are going to have a Pokemon battle against these people. Try to make your Pokemon look as good as possible to get more points.”
I smiled and asked Hermione if I could work with her, drew almost looked disappointed. But he worked with Harry in the end which was good for him.

Me and Hermione stood in one of the many arenas and started battle. She shouted out
“I choose you Bulbasaur!”

I then shouted, “I choose you shaymin.” I then grabbed one of my many Gracidea flowers and threw it up into the air.

Shaymin Appeared up in the air as its sky form. Hermione looked shocked like something strange had happened. At that second I realised that I was using shaymin. I smiled and said

“You can go first.” she thanked me and yelled, “Bulbasaur use razor leaf.

Leaves came flying towards shaymin so I yelled, “Shaymin dodge and use bullet seed!”

The attack hit Bulbasaur straight on and Bulbasaur landed on the floor.

Hermione then shouted, “Bulbasaur use Razor leaf again. The attack took some damage to shaymin.

Then I yelled. “Shaymin dodge, and use razor leaf again.” I yelled trying not to fall over from anticipation. Shaymin attacked repeatedly at Bulbasaur and it fainted.

“Woo hoo!” I ran around in circles screaming.

I then have all my friends just standing there cracked up laughing, I giggled as well as turning bright red, even drew was laughing. Well kind of.

Fantina then called us over and said

“Good lesson, Class dismissed.

I picked up my belongings and walked out with my friends.

“Im guessing its tea,” I said chatting amongst the others

Drew replied, “yep as usual.”

We carried on to the lunch hall.

“BUMP”

“uh oh, I did it again ran straight into someone, just my luck.”

“Oh sorry didn’t see you there.”

Said a rather tall boy with blondish hair.

“No don’t be its my fault.” I said standing myself up and brushing myself off.

“I’m Robert.” He said.

“Hi I’m Mollie.” I replied. Then questioned, “I haven’t seen you around, are you new?”

“Yes I just joined now, I needed someone to show me where the cafeteria is.” He replied.

“Just up here you can follow us.” I said smiling.

We then all walked up to the cafeteria and sat on the table.

“Hi people.” I said cheerfully.

Everyone replied with either hi or hello, then Liam asked ,

“Who’s he?”

“Oh sorry did I forget to introduce him, this is Robert a new student guys.”

I then went and got my dinner. Sat at the table happily eating away when I realised everyone else hadn’t got anything yet.


thanks thats all so far x
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  #2  
Old 02-25-2011, 06:06 PM
Teddiursa of the Sky's Avatar
Teddiursa of the Sky Offline
 
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Default Re: What do u think of my fan fic at the moment any advice taken and used as much as

During the conversations, I would suggest describing the surroundings, or better yet, describing the facial expressions or tones of the voice to give it a more life-like feeling. I would also tell you to stop as this is actually pretty long. This would make a good first chapter in a few more sentences. I would also be on the lookout, some of the mods may mistake this for posting in the wrong section. Other than that, great! Hope you enjoy writing as much as I do.
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  #3  
Old 02-25-2011, 06:40 PM
lilac10 Offline
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Default Re: What do u think of my fan fic at the moment any advice taken and used as much as

Quote:
Originally Posted by TitaniumAnimations View Post
During the conversations, I would suggest describing the surroundings, or better yet, describing the facial expressions or tones of the voice to give it a more life-like feeling. I would also tell you to stop as this is actually pretty long. This would make a good first chapter in a few more sentences. I would also be on the lookout, some of the mods may mistake this for posting in the wrong section. Other than that, great! Hope you enjoy writing as much as I do.
yer thanks :)
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  #4  
Old 02-25-2011, 07:14 PM
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Default Re: What do u think of my fan fic at the moment any advice taken and used as much as

Good job on improving with grammar though, can't wait to read the final draft! =D
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  #5  
Old 03-18-2011, 10:16 AM
lilac10 Offline
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Join Date: Feb 2011
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Default Re: What do u think of my fan fic at the moment any advice taken and used as much as

thanks very much :)
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