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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 12-30-2010, 09:39 PM
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Default Shadowed Hearts (Ch.1 UP)

Hi everyone! Welcome to my first fanfic here on PE2K, Shadowed Hearts! This story has been in the works for quite some time, so I hope it’s as good as I think it is. I’ll let you all be the judges of that, though! This story is rated PG-13 for violence, language and possible suggestive themes (nothing too detailed, though).


~Author Notes~
Here are some notes so you guys understand a few things:

“Text”= Normal speech (kinda ‘duh’, but still, just for notes sake xD)
Text= Character thoughts
Text”= Human telepathy speech
<Text>= Poké Speech
<Text>= Pokémon telepathy speech

I have given Green and Blue their original Japanese manga names, so if you’re confused at why their names are switched, that’s why.

This story is a combination of the manga, anime, and Pokemon: Gale of Darkness, so some events and other details might be perceived differently.

This story is only to appear on PE2K (under ShionRasenka)and Fanfiction.net (under Kizna Towryk). If this story is found on any other site, please inform me so that I may inform the appropriate staff of the site where you found it to alert them of the plagerism.
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Last edited by ShionRasenka; 12-30-2010 at 11:27 PM.
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:45 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts

Rules

I’ve only got a couple of rules so far, and they’re pretty simple:
1. NO flaming. If you don’t like the story, or don’t have anything nice to say, then simply hit the Back button and leave it at that. Simple, yes??
2. Constructive criticism is welcome! If you happen to spot a spelling or grammatical error, please tell me and post it! If you have a suggestion for the story or my writing skills, don’t hesitate to share!
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Old 12-30-2010, 09:48 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts

Summary


Ten years have passed since Cipher was taken down by Michael in the land of Orre. After being defeated for a second time, many people thought they were gone for good. However, a man named Malledus discovered Cipher’s Shadow Pokémon plans and data, and has, for the third time, reorganized the evil group and plans to take over all of the regions of the world with Shadow Pokémon. With several Legendary Shadow Pokémon and four regions under Cipher’s control, the fate of the world is uncertain…
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:00 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts

Character List


1. *Zenith: Pokémon Master. Kratos’s girlfriend.
2. *Ralen: Zenith’s little brother. Becomes a Pokémon Trainer.
3. *Barzula: Zenith’s/Ralen’s father.
4. *Rydia: Zenith’s/Ralen’s mother.
5. *Frecia: Pastoria Gym Leader. Barzula’s younger sister. Valerius’s wife.
6. *Valerius: Frecia’s husband.
7. *Vanir: Kanto Elite Four member. Frecia’s/Valerius’s son.
8. *Ceara: Mauvile Gym Leader.
9. *Adon: Ceara’s husband. Rydia’s older brother.
10. *Rinoa: Kano Elite Four member. Ceara’s/Adon’s daughter.
11. *Galadin: Pokémon Doctor.
12. *Kavina: Pokémon Doctor.
13. *Camus: Pokémon Breeder.
14. *Igrene: Pokémon Breeder.
15. *Kratos: Pokémon Master. Zenith’s boyfriend.
16. *Brelani: Kratos’s little sister. Becomes a Pokémon Trainer.
17. *Morzan: Kratos’s/Brelani’s father.
18. *Katrina: Kratos’s/Brelani’s mother.
19. *Erona: Faraden’s wife. Morzan’s older sister.
20. *Faraden: Sootopolis Gym Leader. Erona’s husband.
21. *Speir: Cinnabar Gym Leader. Erona’s/Faraden’s son.
22. *Ithania: Turalyon’s wife.
23. *Turalyon: Canalave Gym Leader. Katrina’s younger brother.
24. *Vyrin: Mahogany Gym Leader. Ithania’s/Turalyon’s daughter.
25. *Daelin: Pokémon Biologist.
26. *Savina: Pokémon Biologist.
27. *Doan: Pokémon Researcher.
28. *Hira: Pokémon Researcher.
29. Prof. Oak: Semi-retired Pokémon Researcher. Green’s Daisy’s grandfather.
30. Prof. Green Oak: Pokémon Researcher. Yellow’s husband.
31. Yellow Oak: Green’s husband.
32. Daisy Oak: Bill’s assistant/wife. Prof. Oak’s granddaughter and Green’s older sister.
33. Bill: Pokémon Storage System developer/inventor. Daisy’s husband.
34. Celio: Pokémon Storage System developer.
35. Brock: Pewter Gym Leader/Pokémon Doctor.
36. Red: Kanto Champion. Misty’s husband.
37. Misty: Cerulean Gym Leader. Red’s wife.
38. Sabrina: Saffron Gym Leader/Psychic School teacher.
39. Erika: Celadon Gym Leader/perfume maker and seller.
40. Lt. Surge: Vermilion Gym Leader.
41. Janine: Fuchsia Gym Leader.
42. Silver: Viridian Gym Leader. Blue’s husband.
43. Blue: Silver’s wife.
44. Aya: Kanto Elite Four member.
45. Lance: Kanto Elite Four member.
46. Rudy: Trovita Gym Leader.
47. Luana: Kumquat Gym Leader.
48. Cissy: Mikan Gym Leader.
49. Danny: Naval Gym Leader.
50. Drake: Orange Islands Champion.
51. Prof. Elm: Pokémon Researcher.
52. Gold: Pokémon Breeder. Crystal’s husband.
53. Crystal: Pokémon Researcher. Gold’s wife.
54. Will: Johto Elite Four member.
55. Karen: Johto Elite Four member.
56. Bruno: Johto Elite Four member.
57. *Ielia: Johto Elite Four member. Zenith's/Kratos's best friend.
58. *Myrna: Johto Champion. Zenith's/Kratos's best friend.
59. Folkner: Violet Gym Leader/police man.
60. Bugsy: Azalea Gym Leader/archeologist.
61. Whitney: Goldenrod Gym Leader/actress.
62. Morty: Ecruteak Gym Leader/Search Shop owner.
63. Clair: Blackthorn Gym Leader.
64. Jasmine: Olivine Gym Leader/lighthouse keeper.
65. *Riev: Cianwood Gym Leader. Zenith's/Kratos's best friend.
66. Prof. Birch: Pokémon Researcher. Sapphire’s father.
67. Sapphire Birch: Pokémon Researcher. Ruby’s wife.
68. Ruby: Pokémon Breeder. Sapphire’s husband.
69. Emerald: Pokémon Ranger.
70. Lannette: Pokémon Storage System developer.
71. Bridgette: Pokémon Storage System developer.
72. Roxanne: Rustboro Gym Leader/teacher.
73. Flannery: Lavaridge Gym Leader.
74. Norman: Petalburg Gym Leader.
75. Winona: Fortree Gym Leader. Wallace’s wife.
76. Tate: Mossdeep Gym Leader.
77. Liza: Mossdeep Gym Leader.
78. Phoebe: Hoenn Elite Four member.
79. Sidney: Hoenn Elite Four member.
80. Glacia: Hoenn Elite Four member.
81. *Senel: Hoenn Elite Four member. Zenith's/Kratos's best friend.
82. Wallace: Hoenn Champion. Winona’s husband.
83. Steven Stone: Pokémon Master.
84. *Prof. Redwood: Pokémon Researcher.
85. Diamond: Pokémon Comedian.
86. Pearl: Pokémon Comedian.
87. Lady Platinum Berlitz: Head of family business.
88. Bebe: Pokémon Storage System developer.
89. Riley: Aura Guardian.
90. Roark: Oreburgh Gym Leader/mine foreman.
91. Gardenia: Eterna Gym Leader.
92. Fantina: Hearthome Gym Leader.
93. Maylene: Veilstone Gym Leader.
94. Candice: Snowpoint Gym Leader/teacher.
95. Volkner: Sunnyshore Gym leader/lighthouse keeper.
96. Aaron: Sinnoh Elite Four member.
97. Flint: Sinnoh Elite Four member.
98. Lucian: Sinnoh Elite Four member.
99. Paul: Sinnoh Elite Four member.
100. Cynthia: Sinnoh Champion.
101. Prof. Krane: Pokémon Researcher.
102. Wes: Pokémon Master.
103. Rui: Wes’s wife.
104. Michael: Pokémon Master.
105. Jovi: Pokémon Trainer.
106. Lily: Michael’s/Jovi’s mother. Prof. Krane’s assistant.
107. Aidan: Pokémon Trainer.
108. Justy: Owner of the Pre Gym.
109. Nett: Co-founder of the ONBS.
110. Secc: Co-founder of the ONBS.
111. Megg: ONBS secretary/ tour guide.
112. Marcia: ONBS reporter. Duking’s daughter.
113. Bitt: ONBS member.
114. Perr: Machine parts store owner.
115. Duking: Pokémon Biologist.
116. Silva: Runs Pyrite Coliseum.
117. Gonzap: Runs Phenac Coliseum.
118. *Ryan: Mayor of Phenac City.
119. *Malledus: Leader of Cipher.
120. *Lukahn: Cipher Admin.
121. *Borghen: Cipher Admin.
122. *Refia: Cipher Admin.
123. *Jenica: Cipher Admin.
124. *Edea: Cipher Admin.


*= Original Character I created. DO NOT STEAL, PLZ. These are characters not just for this story, but for an original fantasy story I plan to write in the future, so I'd appreciate them not being stolen.
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Old 12-30-2010, 10:04 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts

Chapter List


Chapter 1: The Raveges of War
Chapter 2: Memories Best Forgotten (Coming Soon!)
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:15 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts(UNDER CONSTRUCTION)

Chapter 1: The Ravages of War

An eighteen year-old girl was crouched low behind a row of thick bushes, watching silently as the town below her burned. Her hip-length blond hair was braided and ran down her back. Her blue eyes gave off an iridescent glow, making them seem almost like real sapphires, which was her most prominent feature after the long scar that ran straight across her face just below her eyes and across the bridge of her nose. She was dressed in a white tank top and denim shorts under a purple cloak with the Pokémon Master symbol on the back. Brown leather steel-toed boots adorned her feet. Her hands were covered in forest green fingerless gloves. Pierced into her ears was a pair of blue zircon stud earrings. Attached to her belt were six custom-made Poké Balls.

New Bark Town was the last place Zenith Brunel wanted to be at right now. She watched impassively as buildings burned like large pyres and people ran about screaming in the near black of the night. She could have cared less about the damned town, but as a Pokémon Master, it was her job to protect, which was the single reason she was there. She heard a rustling to her left and turned her head, watching as a tiny jet-black feline-like Pokémon with a long tail and bright yellow eyes floated over to her. She reached out a hand and scratched the creature behind her ear. “How many of them are there, Reva?” she asked.

The Mew flicked her tail as Zenith scratched her ear. <There’re at least twenty of them, Zen. Maybe you and Kro should call for backup…> she said.

“Why would we need backup? Kratos and I can deal with twenty Cipher Peons,” Zenith said, a malicious grin spreading across her face. She then took out a black and silver PokéGear from her shorts pocket and flipped it open. She quickly scrolled down to a name and pressed the Call button, waiting for the person to answer. She continued to watch as the raiders from Cipher attacked the small town.

Finally, the person on the other end picked up. “What’s the status, Zenith?” asked a male’s somewhat hushed voice.

“There’re twenty of them, Kratos. If we take on ten each, we should be okay,” Zenith said.

“I see… Alright, let’s do it. You take the east side; I’ll take the west,” Kratos said.

“Roger that. See you in a few, love,” Zenith said and hung up her PokéGear before Kratos could say anything. She sighed as she watched the carnage and destruction. Of all the places I had to come to, she thought somewhat angrily as she stuffed her now closed PokéGear back into her shorts pocket, it HAD to be New Bark Town.

Zenith had no love for the town. Not anymore. Not after her powers had surfaced ten years ago at eight years old and her parents turned their backs on her because of them. Usually those born with psychic powers weren’t so hated, but the contempt was there nonetheless. Unfortunately, her parents were among the small numbers that despised those who had psychic powers. They distanced themselves from her and sometimes lashed out at her, calling her a monster or freak and beating her.

Zenith ran away at eight years old and lived on the streets until she turned ten and could become a Pokémon Trainer. She never once went back or communicated with her parents in New Bark Town since then. In fact, the only way she got her starter, a Cyndaquil she named Nitro, was by traveling all the way to Pallet Town in the Kanto region and talking with Professor Green Oak and his grandfather, Samuel Oak. She asked them to talk to Professor Elm in New Bark Town to send her a Cyndaquil for her Starter Pokémon, and Professor Elm happily agreed, since he had known Zenith since she had been a baby.

Zenith sighed once again as she stood up to her full six foot frame and grabbed five of the six custom-made Poké Balls from her belt, enlarging them and tossing them into the air. “C’mon out, everyone,” she said.

In flashes of white light, five creatures began to materialize. The first was a Typhlosion, who was then followed by a Pidgeot, Mismagius, Sandslash, and Lucario. The strangest thing about all of the Pokémon was the fact that they were all Shiny.

The Typhlosion Nitro had light gray, almost silver fur where it should have been navy blue, and his flames were a bright green instead of the typical red-orange.

The Pidgeot, Freefall, was covered in dark and light gray feathers instead of brown and tan, and the two long feathers on his head in the middle were dark gray while the two outer ones were maroon. His tail feathers were also maroon.

Isra, the Mismagius, was maroon and pink instead of purple and light purple. The gem ‘necklace’ around her neck was purple instead of red.

Dagger the Sandslash was a lighter brown than normal, with forest green quills.

Finally, the Lucario, Lyra, was covered in blood-red fur instead of the typical blue. Her eyes were a startling seafoam green.

Reva, the Shiny Mew covered in jet-black fur, floated over to the other Pokémon. <Alright, guys, we’ve got a heck of a battle on our hands. There’re twenty Cipher Peons raiding New Bark Town and we gotta take on ten of them while Kratos and his guys take on the other ten,> she said.

Nitro snorted in what almost seemed like indignation. <Twenty of them and we only get to take on ten? This is gonna be boring.>

Lyra rolled her eyes. <Twenty people are too much for just us, Nitro, and you know it. We have to play it safe. Cipher’s not like how it was in the beginning. They’re more ruthless and cunning than ever before.>

<Alright, you two, stop. Let’s do what we need to do,> Freefall said.

“Free’s right, you guys, we need to focus. I need you all to go out there and take care of those Cipher idiots. You all know what to do,” Zenith said.

<Yeah yeah, kill or horribly maim. We know the drill,> Nitro said.

“Alright then, let’s go!” Zenith said and held out her left hand. The green gem on her glove glowed and a huge broadsword appeared in her hand. She then charged down the path towards New Bark Town. Within moments she spotted a Cipher Peon, a woman by the shape of the white armor she wore, and swung her sword at her neck, the only chink in the armor that exposed a lethal spot to strike.

The woman fell lifelessly to the ground, blood pouring from the gash and forming into a puddle beneath her.

Zenith turned to her right and spotted another Peon, a man this time, and held out her hand, firing blasts of blue energy, almost like Aura Spheres, at him. They didn’t do too much damage since he had armor on, but it was enough to catch him off guard and make him grab his side in pain. She then charged at him and once again swung for the neck, watching blankly as he crumpled to the ground. She then whirled around as she heard a woman’s scream and saw another male Cipher Peon approach the woman. Just as she was about to charge in, she watched as Reva suddenly appeared in front of him, glaring as her eyes glowed a menacing blue. The man’s body began to glow as well, and within moments he let out a quick yell as his neck was snapped.

Reva’s eyes stopped glowing and the man’s body fell to the ground. She then turned to the woman. <Are you okay, Miss?> she asked telepathically.

The woman blinked, shock on her face as she heard the voice in her mind. “U-um, y-yes, I am… Thank you…” she said.

<You’d better head somewhere safe for now, hurry,> Reva said.

The woman simply nodded and ran off towards the outskirts of New Bark Town

Zenith heard another blood-curdling scream, this time from a man, and whirled around to see a male Cipher Peon with a Scyther beside him. The large green mantis-like Pokémon had just thrust one of his scythe-like arms through another man’s chest.

The Scyther yanked its arm out, the blade on its limb covered in crimson blood. It looked up at its master and grinned wickedly. It then turned and glared as it spotted Zenith. “Scy…” it growled, getting into a fighting stance.

The Scyther’s owner turned and looked at Zenith as well. “So, looks like some help was dispatched after all. Well, it doesn’t matter. One little girl can’t change anything,” he said. “Get her, Scyther!” he yelled.

“Scy!” the creature said and lunged at Zenith, raising its blood-covered arm to strike.

Zenith smirked and in a split second vanished. She reappeared behind the Bug-type Pokémon and fired several energy blasts at it, knocking it to the ground. “Freefall, finish it off!” she called.

A screech sounded from the air, and Freefall suddenly came plummeting from the sky toward the Scyther, immediately firing an Air Slash at it. It then dive-bombed the insect in a powerful Giga Impact Attack.

The Scyther yelled out in pain, but then its eyes went blank as its head fell limply to the ground, blood oozing from its wounds.

“Scyther! Damn you!” the male Peon yelled. He then charged toward Zenith, pulling out a dagger from a scabbard at his side.

Zenith dodged as the man got closer and held out her foot, knocking the man down. She then raised her sword and with a burst of strength she plunged it into the man’s chest and twisted viciously. The man never made a sound as he lay lifeless on the ground, a pool of blood forming beneath him. “I’ll leave the raiders to the guys. I’d better start looking for civilians…” she said.


~*~*~*~*~



A woman with long blond hair and blue eyes stood at the top of a hill overlooking New Bark Town. She gritted her teeth as she saw two Pokémon Masters begin to foil her group’s mission. “Damn it, the League must have summoned them here…” she thought. One of the Masters, a boy, had already killed off half of her soldiers and their Pokémon within fifteen minutes, while the other, a girl, had killed off almost as many. This mission’s a bust… I’d better call everyone back, she thought. She then pressed a button on the device on her ear. “All remaining units pull back! This mission’s a bust! Get back to the rendezvous point and let’s get out of here!” she said.

“But ma’am, we need to complete this mission, don’t we?!” said a male’s voice.
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Old 12-30-2010, 11:20 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts(UNDER CONSTRUCTION)

“There’s no point! Over half of the group is gone already! Pull back! That’s an order!” the woman said. She punched a nearby tree as she gritted her teeth. Curse you, Pokémon Masters, she thought as she turned and ran, you’ll pay for this, I promise! She eventually came to an aircraft and headed inside to the cockpit where a man and woman sat at the controls. “We’re pulling out as soon as the remaining troops return. This mission’s failed.” she said to them.

“Failed, ma’am? What happened?” the man asked.

“A couple of Pokémon Masters, that’s what…” the blonde haired woman said.

“Pokémon Masters?! Damn it, this isn’t good…” the other woman said.

“We can’t very well take on two Masters at once… One, maybe, but not two… We’ll have to regroup and get out of here back to Orre…” the blonde haired woman said.

After a few minutes, three Peons were running towards the aircraft and climbed on board, trying to catch their breaths.

The blonde haired woman walked over to the trio. “Are there any others coming?” she asked.

One of the Peons, the only woman, shook her head. “No, Admin Refia… There were others… but they were caught… and killed by those… Pokémon Masters…” she said between gasps of breath.

“I see. Then let’s pull out before those Masters catch up to us!” the blonde haired woman, Refia, said.

The two Peons nodded and started up the aircraft, lifting into the air and heading off.


~*~*~*~*~



Zenith sighed after all of the Cipher agents had been killed or ran off and her Pokémon had been returned to their Poké Balls. She looked around at the ghastly carnage around her. Bodies of people and Pokémon littered the ground, which was soaked in their blood. Houses and other buildings were destroyed and burning, lighting the night sky up as if it were twilight. Even though she felt a tiny bit of quilt, she didn’t let it bother her. She looked to her right and saw New Bark Town’s Pokémon Research Laboratory. I’d better go see if Professor Elm and his assistants are okay, she thought. After the incident ten years ago, Professor Elm had been the only person she still had any respect for in New Bark Town, and occasionally called him.

“Zenith!” shouted a male’s voice from behind her.

Zenith turned around and smiled as she saw an eighteen year-old boy running toward her. “Hey, Kratos!” she said, waving.

Kratos was a tall young man, standing at six-foot-four with a lean yet sturdy body. His red, somewhat spiky hair reached down to his mid back, and was tied into a ponytail at the nape of his neck. His green eyes gave off an iridescent glow just like Zenith’s. He wore a green shirt and a pair of tan cargo pants underneath a navy blue cloak with the Pokémon Master symbol on the back. On his belt were six custom-made Poké Balls. He wore a pair of brown leather steel-toed boots on his feet, and on his hands were a pair of black fingerless gloves.

Zenith ran over to Kratos and hugged him, getting up on her tiptoes and giving him a kiss. “I guess those guys are gone for now. They shouldn’t be back any time soon,” she said.

“No, hopefully not,” Kratos said.

“Zenith, is that you?!” called a man’s voice in the distance.

Zenith turned toward the voice and smiled as she saw a middle-aged man with short brown hair wearing glasses and a lab coat. “Hi, Professor Elm!” she said, waving at him.

Professor Elm skidded to a halt a few feet from Zenith and Kratos, straightening his glasses. “It’s so good to see you after all this time, Zenith. You look well,” he said. He then looked up at Kratos. “Well well, and who might you be, young man?” he asked.

“Professor, this is my boyfriend, Kratos Avalon.” Zenith said.

Professor Elm smiled. “Ah, I see. Well, it’s nice to meet you, Kratos,” he said, holding out a hand.

Kratos smiled and took Elm’s hand, shaking it. “It’s nice to meet you too, professor.”

“Well, we’d best head to the shelter. There are wounded that need to be tended to,” Elm said. “Will you two be joining us?”

Zenith almost instantly stiffened at the question. “Well… I guess we could help with the wounded… But we should head out in the morning.”

Professor Elm frowned, but nodded. “I understand. Come, the shelter’s this way.” He turned and headed toward the outskirts of New Bark Town. After a while he stopped and parted some bushes, revealing a thick steel door. He opened the door and motioned for Zenith and Kratos to enter.

Zenith hesitated for several moments, but sighed and headed down the dimly lit staircase. She knew it was her job to help those in need, but all she wanted right now was to leave and never return to this accursed town. It didn’t really matter to her what happened to it. She had been abandoned, after all, so why should she care what happened to her so-called ‘parents’? They were as dead to her as she was to them, and that’s how she wanted it. All of her anger, sadness, confusion and hatred began to rise with almost every step she took downward. She desperately kept fighting the urge to turn back and leave, but she knew she couldn’t; not just yet anyway. She had a duty to do, and she would see it through, no matter how much she felt.

Kratos could sense all of Zenith’s emotions clashing, and he frowned in concern. Zenith had never told him in detail what happened in her past, but he did understand that her parents had abandoned her because of what she was, and he couldn’t understand why. He had come from a family that didn’t have any psychics as well, but his family had accepted it, and had even sent him to Saffron City to the special psychic school in the city’s gym so he could learn to control his powers. He had been supported, while Zenith had been tossed away like garbage, which appalled him.

After twenty minutes the trio arrived at another thick steel door. Professor Elm opened this door as well and let Zenith and Kratos go through first. He closed the door behind them and locked it. He sighed as he turned to Zenith. “I know this is hard for you, Zenith. After what you went through, you have every right to be angry. I’m surprised you came to our aid, actually.” He sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck. “Your parents are down here somewhere. It’s up to you what you want to do. The makeshift infirmary in the corner over there.” He pointed at the northwestern corner of the shelter. “I have injured Pokémon to tend to. I’ll see you a little later.”

“Thank you, Professor. See you later.” Zenith said waving as Elm walked off. She sighed and then turned to Kratos. “C’mon, let’s go tend to the wounded.” she said. She pulled the hood of her cloak up over her head, the shadow blocking most of her now blank face. She stayed silent as she headed towards the infirmary. She looked around at all of the injured people, which was nearly half of the town. Why is Cipher raiding towns through regions around the world? It doesn’t make any sense, she thought.

Zenith walked over to a young girl who was asleep on a cot, her right arm in a splinter and wrapped in bandages. She placed a hand over the girl’s arm, which gave off a soft blue glow. Her arm’s been broken pretty badly. I might be able to fix it a little. She closed her eyes and took a breath as her hand began to glow slightly brighter. Somehow, she found out a few years ago, her psychic powers allowed her to heal wounds, like magic. She began honing those powers, and could now heal fairly serious injuries, so long as they weren’t too life-threatening. She was also the only known psychic with such an incredible ability, and as such was a big asset when disasters such as this happened.

After a few minutes, Zenith pulled her hand away as it stopped glowing and sighed. There, that should do it, she thought.

After an hour, Zenith finished healing several other people. She walked out of the infirmary and into the area where the other civilians were gathered. She spotted Kratos talking to a man and his wife several yards away. Just then something rammed into her and made her stumble back a couple feet. She rubbed her stomach and looked down to see a boy on the ground, rubbing his head.

The boy was eight years old with short and spiky blond hair and blue eyes. He wore a black t-shirt and denim pants with a belt. A pair of red sneakers adorned his feet. On his hands was a pair of green fingerless gloves.

“You okay, kid?” Zenith asked as she held out a hand to the boy.

“Yeah, sorry… I wasn’t paying attention…” the boy said, taking Zenith’s hand and standing up. He brushed himself off and then looked up at Zenith, his eyes widening as he saw her Poké Balls. “Wow, you’re a Pokémon Trainer, right?! Awesome! Can I see you’re Pokémon, please?!” he asked excitedly, an elated look on his face.

Zenith chuckled. “Well, I suppose it can’t hurt,” she said and pulled back her hood.

“Zenith, is that you?!” said a woman’s voice.

Zenith turned toward the voice, freezing as she stared wide-eyed at the man and woman before her.

The woman was in her mid forties and had the same blond hair and blue eyes as her and the boy. She was dressed in a white shirt and long pink skirt. On her feet was a pair of brown leather ankle-high boots. Pierced into her ears were diamond studded earrings, while a simple gold wedding band adorned her left ring finger.

The man was also in his mid forties with black hair and equally black eyes. He was incredibly tall, around Kratos’s height, and burly. He was dressed in a red muscle shirt and tan cargo pants with a belt. He wore a pair of white and black tennis shoes on his feet. On his left ring finger was a matching gold band to the woman’s.

Zenith knew the duo well. These were the two people she hated most in the world. “Hello… Mom… Dad…” she said curtly.



~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Author’s Notes

I hope you all enjoyed this chapter! It’s taken quite a bit of planning to start this story, so I hope it was good enough. If you think I could improve anything, please leave a comment.

I'm currently working on Chapter 2, so hopefully I'll be able to get it up fairly soon.
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Old 12-31-2010, 01:43 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts (Ch.1 UP)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
She watched impassively as buildings burned like large pyres and people ran about screaming in the pitch black of the night.
Since the town is alight with flames, I would put "...and people ran about screaming in the near black of the night" or something, instead. =)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
Reva, the Shiny Mew covered in jet-black fur, floated over to the other Pokémon.
None of Zenith's pokemon are actually shiny. o: UNLESS. Your story has a different concept of shiny pokemon. If not, I suggest changing it to "oddly coloured" instead of shiny, or something of the sort. x)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
“I see… Alright, let’s do it. You take the east side, I’ll take the west,” Kratos said.
That comma after 'side' should be a semicolon, because that sentence is technically two, since it has no joining word.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
Nitro snorted in what almost seemed like indignation. <Twenty of them and we only get to take on ten? This is gonna be boring,>
That comma at the end of his speech should be a period, since he's ending the sentence.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
<Alright you two, stop. Let’s do what we need to do,> Freefall said.
You need a comma bafore "you two" because it's addressing characters, like a name does.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
“Free’s right you guys, we need to focus.
Same with here, right before "you guys". x)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
The green gem on her glove glowed and a huge broadsword appeared in her hand.
(Just putting it out there...that's pretty cool. xDD) You'd think she'd wear armour if she's going in there with a broadsword. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
They didn’t so too much damage since he had armor on, but it was enough to catch him off guard and make him grab his side in pain.
Should be 'do', not 'so'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
<You’d better head somewhere safe for now, hurry,> Reva said.

The woman simply nodded and ran off towards the woods in the distance.
I dunno...with so many peons running around, I wouldn't deem the woods as safe. O_o Especially for...a lone woman... Dx Maybe you could point out that other residents were heading for the woods too?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
The Scyther yanked its arm out, the blade on its limb covered in crimson blood. It looked up at its master and grinned wickedly.
*makes mental note* I'll mention this after the corrections...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
“I’ll leave the raiders to the guys. I’d better start looking for civilians…” she thought.
She's speaking...not thinking. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
Curse you, Pokémon Masters, she thought as she ran off in a random direction, you’ll pay for this, I promise!
xDDDDDDDD When that said that she ran off in a "random direction", it sounded really funny for some reason. I just had this image of a woman running aimlessly and having no idea where or why she was running. xDDDDDD Anyway, you forgot to italicise the second half of her speech.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
One maybe, but not two… We’ll have to regroup and get out of here back to Orre…”
I'm pretty sure you should have a comma after 'one'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
“Hey, Kratos!” she said waving.
Comma after 'said'. Otherwise...it sounds like 'said waving' is another word(s) for said...or something. xD

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
“Hi, Professor Elm!” she said waving at him.
Same as here. Comma before the action, unless you're describing how she said it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
Well, it’s nice to meet you, Kratos.” he said holding out a hand.
That period needs to be a comma. And remember that comma after 'said'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
There are wounded that need to be tended to.” Elm said.
Coma instead of a period.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
He opened the door and pulled it open, motioning for Zenith and Kratos to enter.
Wait, what? xDDD He opened it...then opened it again?

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
After twenty minutes the trio arrived at another thick steel door.
O_o Twenty minutes...? You do realise that would be, like, a kilometre and a half, right? Shouldn't it be more like three minutes? Twenty minutes is a long time if you think about it. Especially going down a staircase. o.o

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
You’re parents are down here somewhere.
Should be 'Your'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
“Thank you, Professor. See you later.” Zenith said waving as Elm walked off. She sighed and then turned to Kratos. “C’mon, let’s go tend to the wounded.” she said.
Comma instead of a period for both those speech sentences, and remember the comma after 'said'.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
Zenith walked over a ten year old girl who was asleep on a cot, her right arm in a splinter and wrapped in bandages.
How did she know the girl was ten? o: I would just say 'young'. Also, saying that she 'walked over' the girl gives the image that she walked "all over" her; on her.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
After about ten or so minutes, Zenith pulled her hand away as it stopped glowing and sighed.
Again with the long time periods. Seriously, a good model has trouble holding a pose for ten minutes. xD I'd say five minutes would do...unless healing takes a long time. o:

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
The boy was eight years old with short and spiky blond hair and blue eyes.
Again with the age thing.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
The woman was in her mid thirties and had the same blond hair and blue eyes as her and the boy.
Mid thirties...hmm... If she's 35, let's say, that means she had Zenith when she was 17. That's disturbingly young. ._. I'm nearly 17. Dx And if I were her, I'd have...um...already done the deed. So, I'd say that her parents were in their mid forties, not thirties.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
These were the two people she hated most in the world. “Hello… mom… dad…” she said curtly.
"Mom" and "Dad" are essentially names, so if they don't have 'a' or 'my' or 'the' or whatever before them, they have to have a capital first letter.

Alrighty...it's pretty late here, and I better go. D: I'll come back tomorrow (well, later xDD) to leave a proper review, though, with lots of comments on the story itself, rather than corrections. ;3 I'll edit this post if you or nobody else posts after this post, but otherwise I'll just reply to your post which will be a reply to this post, and then post my review in that post... Wow...that was confusing. xDDDDDDDD

Sorry to leave without proper comments! I'll definitely come back in about...11 to 10 hours! :D

~GS.
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Old 12-31-2010, 04:03 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts (Ch.1 UP)

Thanks for the corrections, GS! I'll get to fixing them ASAP!

I was in a bit of a rush putting it up, so a bunch of stuff got by me I apparently. >< Ah well, it happens. Hopefully I'll make less mistakes. xD

And nope, Zenith and Kratos don't wear armor. Which make them less asuming to have weapons. ;D

I guess you could say I have a different concept of Shiny pokemon. To me, any sort of odd-colored pokemon could be considered Shiny, no? I wouldn't think a Shiny pokemon would always have the same coloring they show in the games and anime. Other colors could easily pop up if you think about it. Genetics could easily play a part in making other Shiny colorations. But that's just my opinion. xD

And stupid me forgot to put 'to' in the sentence with the girl >< But I fixed it.

As for the woman Reva was talking to, I had her run off towards the outskirts of town.

I changed Zenith's parents' ages because ya, that didn't seem right after I thought about it xDD

And I fixed the sentence with the admin running so it didn't seem so silly xDD

Hopefully when I'm done this chapter'll be better. I believe I fixed all of the mistakes. I can't believe I made that many.... @_@_@_@ Well, could have been worse I guess. xDD
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Old 12-31-2010, 10:44 PM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts (Ch.1 UP)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
Thanks for the corrections, GS! I'll get to fixing them ASAP!

I was in a bit of a rush putting it up, so a bunch of stuff got by me I apparently. >< Ah well, it happens. Hopefully I'll make less mistakes. xD

And nope, Zenith and Kratos don't wear armor. Which make them less asuming to have weapons. ;D

I guess you could say I have a different concept of Shiny pokemon. To me, any sort of odd-colored pokemon could be considered Shiny, no? I wouldn't think a Shiny pokemon would always have the same coloring they show in the games and anime. Other colors could easily pop up if you think about it. Genetics could easily play a part in making other Shiny colorations. But that's just my opinion. xD
No worries. x) I'll get to the proper review in this post. xDD

That's okay. It happens to a lot of people. xD It happens to me--all the mistakes I'd have picked up in something I wrote had it been another person's story slip by me as well. xDDD But, you know, that's what we have each other for, right? x) Hehe. As you progress you'll gradually make less errors. xDD And thoroughly proof reading helps. xD

Oh, okay. xDD Good point! I guess they can sneak up on their enemies and cast unsuspected attacks on them.

Well I agree, haha, but for some reason I only consider a pokemon shiny if it's the official shiny colour. Any other colour would just seem like "differently coloured" to me, rather than shiny. Like Snowcrystal from The Path of Destiny. Official shiny growlithe are golden, but she's snowy white. Although I wouldn't call her shiny; I'd call her a white growlithe. o: But yeah. xD Of course you're entitled to your own definition.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
And stupid me forgot to put 'to' in the sentence with the girl >< But I fixed it.

As for the woman Reva was talking to, I had her run off towards the outskirts of town.

I changed Zenith's parents' ages because ya, that didn't seem right after I thought about it xDD

And I fixed the sentence with the admin running so it didn't seem so silly xDD

Hopefully when I'm done this chapter'll be better. I believe I fixed all of the mistakes. I can't believe I made that many.... @_@_@_@ Well, could have been worse I guess. xDD
xD That's okay. As long as you pick it up. ^^

Okay. I wasn't so sure. :3

Okay, hahaha, mid forties sounds better! xDDD

Alrighty. :3 xDD Haha, well it does come as a surprise sometimes, but I pick out repeated mistakes and make sure nothing slips by me. xD So if it was another person, I guess you could say there wouldn't have been as many errors? xDDD Or, there would APPEAR to be less... Or maybe I'm just pointing out stupid things. O_O xDDD

OKAY. Now for the part where I talk about the story. xDDD

First off, I found the concept interesting. I like the idea of Pokemon Masters, and how they have to protect lands and are obliged to help those in need. Kind of reminds me of doctors...how they have to help someone even if they're off duty... Anyway. xDD So, are the Pokemon Masters a legion of trainers with really powerful pokemon who have to go around and help those in need, or are they just trainers who have trained heaps and have been "hired" or something? o: You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I imagine that they're a part of some kind of...I dunno...force? That has specially chosen members?

I like how you've set up the Pokemon Masters, and then as characters. Zenith isn't your everyday hero--she's reluctant to help the villagers of the town, and although she can handle it, she still doesn't seem very inclined. I get the impression that she felt this way not only because of the town and what happened to make her hate it, but because she's just like that. xDD Whereas Kratos seems more willing and more easygoing, and, of course, he has no reason to hold a grudge against New Bark. So that may make a difference.

I also like the psychic people thing. Does that mean only people with psychic powers can be Pokemon Masters, or all people with psychic powers are supposed to be? Or does it just so happen that those two decided to be Pokemon Masters because they have psychic powers? o: These are things I'd be looking forward to finding out. ^v^ But the other thing with psychic powers...well, I get the feeling that they may be a bit overpowered as heroes, especially judging by the fact that they seemed unbeatable while fighting Cipher. I know that was probably a weak fleet of Cipher minions, but even still. o: I don't think her pokemon had any kind of trouble either. o: It's too early in the story to tell these things, however, but I'm just telling of my current thoughts. ^^

I think Zenith's past is really sad... It's quite interesting to see hers and Kratos' compared, since they're both basically opposite. It was cool that Kratos was mentored (supposedly) by Sabrina, or her gym, at least, and it makes me wonder how many people have psychic powers... Since if it was only a few, then there probably wouldn't be a "school" type of place. I was also kind of surprised but not to see Zenith's parents at the end of the chapter. I was expecting her to turn and flee as soon as she saw them, but more than that I was expecting her parents to ignore her or at least be shocked or horrified to see her again.

WARNING: Lecture.

Okay, something big I wanted to talk about...was that scyther. It's true I'm a scyther fan, so naturally I'd be heartbroken to see a scyther being used by that peon, and by you in that fashion. But it's not only that. Too often you see 'scary' and 'dangerous' pokemon such as scyther, ursaring, houndoom, mostly all other dark pokemon, and other things with weapons attached to their bodies (and things like wolves and bears in non-pokemon stories) used as villainbots. Basically it's when people figure that the species is enough to justify the character's actions, so they use a stereotypically "evil" pokemon as a villain. It's not very legitimate, to be honest, and it saddens me to see a scyther, or any other stereotypical evil pokemon, in this kind of situation. I mean, I get that Cipher may want to choose these kinds of pokemon because they're scary and powerful, but when the scyther is "grinning evilly" and enjoying the fact that he (or possibly she) is slaughtering something innocent and helpless...it's just wrong. This part gets to me:

Quote:
It looked up at its master and grinned wickedly. It then turned and glared as it spotted Zenith. “Scy…” it growled, getting into a fighting stance.
Great. Grinning wickedly because why wouldn't a scyther love to kill people? >.> As well as that, when it spots Zenith, it's ready to slaughter her without a second thought and readies itself.

These are the kinds of things that disappoint me in stories. I know that I'm probably being a little overdramatic, but my overdramaticness is directed more at the fact that scyther are used as stereotypes, thus leading to your choice of species, rather than you. But please. Consider these things, because stereotypes are really annoying. Especially when it's a completely wrong stereotype--scyther are supposed to be warriors; protectors; defenders. But instead they're used as evil villainbots with no morals, emotions or dignity. As well as that, too often are they all evil and try to kill, but then when things don't go their way, they turn cowardly and run off. I mean, seriously. -_-' You didn't do that, I know, but I'm just saying it that does happen. If you will, please read this. Something I wrote some months or whatnot ago. Clicky!

Anyway. Now that that's out the way. xD

/End lecture.

Something else I picked up on was your overuse of 'said'. It's after just about every bit of speech, and by golly...it was getting really annoying. xDD As well as letting the story down just that bit. It would be great if you went back and edited out most if not all of those 'said's. Because they're emotionless, and really don't give us a sense of how the character is speaking. Like, for instance, when her mother "said" her sentence. Was she horrified? Overjoyed? Monotone? I have no idea, because the only thing that would tell me says 'said'. Dx Please try to change all of these, or as many as you can. I mean, even saying how they said it is enough. Like, "she said, determination flooding her words" or something like that. So we know she's determined. Otherwise we could imagine her saying it any other way, and we have no guide.

Honestly the notion of slaying all the Ciphers was actually quite unexpected. xDD For some reason I expected them to either drive them off, defeat them in battle, or capture them. But as soon as the broadsword came out, I was like "O_O This will be...different." xDDD I guess it's good that they won't come back, and I assume that they were murdering/injuring all the townsfolk, but yeah. xDD It must be hard for an eighteen year old to have the burden of so many wiped lives on her hands. D: It doesn't matter that they were bad people, because a person's still a person, so I'm interested to see how that will affect her in the future. :3

Hmm...well I think that's just about all I wanted to mention. ^^ Sorry for ranting about the scyther thing, but at the same time, I'm not sorry, because I had to point that out. x_x Or flesh it out. xDD But I really hope you see it in the same light as I do... But yeah. Looking forward to reading more. ^^ Good job with it so far. :D

~GS.
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Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 12-31-2010 at 10:55 PM.
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Old 01-01-2011, 01:17 AM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts (Ch.1 UP)

First off the Scyther thing. xDD

I understand about 'stereotypes', believe me. I'll do my best to keep them to a minimum. Not very many of my villain characters have sterotypical pokemon, but I'll try to come up with something so they aren't so bad. Like maybe my one or two bad guys have Ursarings that aren't so dark and forboding. xDD Like maybe they're kinda cuddly and cheerful?? Something that makes them seem fairly pleasent, yes? But I can't stand stereotypes myself, so I understand where you're coming from. I hope I'll do a better job about it next time.

As for Shiny Pokemon, I can understand where you're coming from too. And as you said, everyone has their own definition. xDD

About Pokemon Masters. I envisioned them as as a group of people that work like the Pokemon Rangers. They're an elite group who are sent out on missions given to them by the League to help those in need. And no, Pokemon Masters aren't just psychics. They can be normal people too.

And now on to Zenith and Kratos. xDD You're right, Zenith isn't your everyday hero. Because of the abuse she went through, she became more reclusive and wary of others. She's slowly gotten over it over the years, but she'll always be like that to some extent. Kratos, as you said, is more willing and easygoing. He's the one able to convince her to do something if she's unsure. As for Kratos's psychic schooling, yes he was trained by Sabrina herself. If you remember form the very early episodes of the Pokemon anime, Sabrina has a small school inside her gym to train those with psychic powers. And there aren't too many people with psychic powers, but there's a decent number.

And yes, I can see your point about the 'said' thing. I will definitely try to tone it down. xDDD I'll go through and see what I can do.
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Old 01-02-2011, 07:02 AM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts (Ch.1 UP)

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
First off the Scyther thing. xDD

I understand about 'stereotypes', believe me. I'll do my best to keep them to a minimum. Not very many of my villain characters have sterotypical pokemon, but I'll try to come up with something so they aren't so bad. Like maybe my one or two bad guys have Ursarings that aren't so dark and forboding. xDD Like maybe they're kinda cuddly and cheerful?? Something that makes them seem fairly pleasent, yes? But I can't stand stereotypes myself, so I understand where you're coming from. I hope I'll do a better job about it next time.

As for Shiny Pokemon, I can understand where you're coming from too. And as you said, everyone has their own definition. xDD
Yeah. Good. xDD Okay, haha, sounds good. Well that would be better. I mean, even if the scyther wasn't grinning at the death...like, that would have been better. Dx Maybe, but avoiding specific stereotypical species would be the main thing. I guess the pokemon can't help it if they're captured because of their scary appearance and reputations, but in that case maybe you should hint at that--at how they have those species for a reason. o: Or something. xDD Hahaha, maybe! Okay, cool. Well sometimes people need to be reminded, so it's okay as long as your acknowledge it, which you did. :D

Yeah, haha. xDD Truthfully I always did think it was kinda strange there was only one shiny variation for each pokemon. Officially, I mean. x) And some of them are silly--like, have a tiny difference. Dx

Quote:
Originally Posted by ShionRasenka View Post
About Pokemon Masters. I envisioned them as as a group of people that work like the Pokemon Rangers. They're an elite group who are sent out on missions given to them by the League to help those in need. And no, Pokemon Masters aren't just psychics. They can be normal people too.

And now on to Zenith and Kratos. xDD You're right, Zenith isn't your everyday hero. Because of the abuse she went through, she became more reclusive and wary of others. She's slowly gotten over it over the years, but she'll always be like that to some extent. Kratos, as you said, is more willing and easygoing. He's the one able to convince her to do something if she's unsure. As for Kratos's psychic schooling, yes he was trained by Sabrina herself. If you remember form the very early episodes of the Pokemon anime, Sabrina has a small school inside her gym to train those with psychic powers. And there aren't too many people with psychic powers, but there's a decent number.

And yes, I can see your point about the 'said' thing. I will definitely try to tone it down. xDDD I'll go through and see what I can do.
Ahh, yeah, I think that's how I imagined them. :D That sounds really cool. And okay. ^^ I guess being a psychic just really helps, and maybe a lot of psychics choose to become Pokemon Masters because of their conditions. o:

xDD Okay. Yeah, which is cool. ^^ I like that she's detached to what she does. o: Or, in this case, anyway. x) Mm. Yeah, that's true. Like a scar. o: Yeah, hehe, he seems pretty cool. 8D I'm glad she has someone like that. That she has someone to rely on and who she can turn to for comfort and stuff. Oh, really? I don't remember much about Sabrina's episodes, but I really wanna see them again. D: I remember she turned people into tiny dolls. xDD Well that's cool anyway. ;3 The psychic school thing, I mean. xDD

xDDD Haha, okay, sounds good. Just try to replace them with more interesting verb things. And yeah. ^^ Try adding little details about body language and facial expressions and stuff too. Always helps. :D

~GS.
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Old 02-13-2011, 12:36 AM
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Default Re: Shadowed Hearts (Ch.1 UP)

(Mods, ignore the fact that the last post was over a month ago. Shion had asked me to read this way before that. ^^;)

Gah! I started reading this when you posted it, but then one thing led to another, and yeah. ^^;

I gotta say, I wasn’t expecting anything like this when you mentioned you were planning a fan-fic such a long time ago. If psychic main characters weren’t cool enough we have Cipher creating a massacre right before our eyes. It’s pretty interesting how all of her Pokemon are shiny and how she has a Mew with her, and pretty brave, too, since many readers frown on shinies and Legendaries as trainer’s Pokemon. That just makes it more interesting to see how it all happened, in my opinion. :P

Can Zenith understand her Pokemon because of her psychic abilities? I added that to my own fan-fic, too. ^^

There was something that made me stop and think. You said Elm was happy to give Zenith her Cyndaquil because he had known her since she was a baby, so why did she need to travel all the way to Kanto in order for the Oaks to convince him? Couldn’t she had just contacted Elm outside of New Bark and tell him of her circumstances? It seems Elm feels sorry for the way her parents treated her and would have given her the Pokemon if she had asked.

On the description department I felt you kind of put many of the descriptions in too quickly, and they distract from the flow of the story. For example at the end, Zenith meets her parents again for the first time in ten years. In between her hearing her mom’s voice and finally acknowledging them there were two paragraphs of description, and I think that sort of broke the “holy crap!” effect you wanted to give off. I think if you had saved the description for Chapter 2 it would have been much better.

For Zenith and Kratos you described them both in the same paragraph we meet them, from their ages all the way down to their boots. Again, maybe spread the description out through some paragraphs?

Other than that the chapter was really well done! I really enjoyed it and can’t wait to read more. ^-^

- Kat
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