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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 07-24-2010, 01:42 PM
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Default The Gaurdian Of The Sea

So here i was walking with Slash besides me ready to get to the sea.
As me and Slash where walking past all the people in the city we finally got to the beach.
i took my clothes off and dived straight in , Slash wouldn't go in the water because he was to frightened.

I was swimming through the gorgouse beach seeing all sorts of pokemon , as i came across the south part of the beach i had noticed that there were pokemon swimming in circles around this other particular pokemon.
I wanted to find out what this pokemon was but i couldn't because i was running out of breath so i quickly got back up to the surface and noticed it was dark.

I couldn't believe my eyes it was like 20 seconds i had been under that water and it's already dark?

So i quickly swam back to shore and saw my Slash still asleep as i left if and i was getting tired just looking at him so i fell asleep.

I woke up because there was this shiny light in my eye and i wanted to know what it was i could see that it was some sort of huge boat but it didn't look like a boat it looked like a giant Cloyster shell so i woke my Slash up and withdrew it and quickly swam to the thing that looked like a shell.

I jumped on to it holding on a prickley part of it about to shout Ouch but then i just jumped into the front door of the boat somehow.

I could see people with strippy blue tops and blue bandana's on and on there bandana's there was a sign of a skull and from then and on i knew it was Team Aqua.

Team Aqua had returned , there where all this like pods with cloysters in them for some reason and then suddenly i heard a man call "OI little kid what are you doing in here"
I quickly sent out my lucky and he wrapped his 2tails around the grunts mouth few thats a relief and threw the guy out the boat.

I went into this room that looked like a testing room and and saw a man putting some cream on a cloyster and then all of a sudden the cloyster got bigger the cloyster looked as if it was bieng hurt and abused so i got so angry went up to the man and punched him in the face then the security alarm went off and all grunts cam at me with there crawdunts and cloysters.

I hesitated looking from left to right and then just sent out my Heavy and quickly commanded heavy to use Explosion KABOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!

The whole boat exploded sending all the Cloysters back to where they cam from and send team aqua blasting off.
I was out off breath i couldn't swim anymore for some reason and then a Cloyster aproached me helping me back onto shore and looking really quite big i thought to myself maybe this one is the one that they had experemented on?
And it alsolooked as if it wanted a pokemon battle so i sent out my Lucky i commanded it to use fake out and since mylucky was holding the silk scraf it down double and the cloyster hardened then lucky used pursuit hoping not to make the cloyster faint and it didn't it looked like it was about to but before it did i threw a pokeball at it and the pokeball shook 3 times and the red light appeard last which ment i got myself a Cloyster a big one.

After all of that i still didn't know what that pokemon was that the other pokemon where dancing around well maybe some things in life are better left a mystery.
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Old 07-25-2010, 08:33 PM
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Crystal-Wolf Offline
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Posts: 225
Default Re: The Gaurdian Of The Sea

Anyone going to rate it?
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Old 12-13-2010, 02:52 PM
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Default Re: The Gaurdian Of The Sea

Character introduction: What kind of person is the main character? While it may not be necessary to know whether he's a insane braniac out for world domination or a shy little girl with freckles and a lopsided ponytail, it is however unclear what your main character is. He or she could be both, none or all other possible options. Fleshing your character out a bit more is always nice, so the reader can imagine the scenes a bit better.

Only exception to that suggestion is when you want the reader to be your main character. However, those kind of stories are beyond your current skill set and are ridiculously hard to pull off.

Plot: Kid walks on beach, sees 'mon, goes to sleep, wakes up, enters bad guys' hide-out where growth hormone experiments are conducted, saves the day and ends up catching one of the test subjects.

While generic and bland plots are written by the dozen, I suggest you start thinking about crazy story plots. Maybe the chief scientist working for the bad guys is the main character's uncle. Be creative, variate a bit.

Dialogue: Exactly 1 line of dialogue, and even then not good enough to warrant a decent grade.

People communicate for 10% through speech; 90% is body language. However, since we rely on text here, let speech at least do that 10% of your story. Dialogue tells us a lot; it tells us if the character has a speaking disorder, if he is shy or unintelligent. Use it.

GRAMMAR: Grammar, spelling and punctuation gives structure to your story. And yours sadly had none. I could go on about what was wrong, but it would be more efficient to read: << How to write stories >>: Grammar guide.

Detail: Since you had next to none of this, I'll explain it to you.
What would you as reader rather read?

A: As Andy reached the tree, he sat down beneath it.


B: As Andy reached the moss covered birch tree standing in the middle of the fork in the road, he cleared the grass growing beneath the white barked tree of most of the visible dirt so that it wouldn't stain his khaki shorts and sat down in the cooling shadow casts by the tree.

Detail is nice to read, informative to know, and suiting to the mind.

Battle: This section suffers from the general lack of quality in the other sections. So, I won't hold this one against you.

Length: A 4,000 character story for a 40,000 character Pokemon. Even you can do the math.

Outcome: Yes, I know it's your first story, and I know we've got to be lenient to starting writers, but I assume you agree with me why this is a non-capture.

Sorry, Cloyster was not captured.

Near a tree by a river, there's a hole in the ground.
Where an old man of Aran goes around and around
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