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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 06-24-2010, 07:56 AM
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Default Bug Business

Pardon my writing if it isnt that good. I havent written anything for almost a year here!


Route 204, the route joining Jubilife city and Floaroma Town. Luke approached the small sign embedded into the ground.

“Route 204 is a road bristling with natural beauty, from its ponds to its stands of trees. There is a shortcut cut into one of the cliffs here. To pass, you’ll need the HM Rock Smash.”

On his belt, was clipped two Pokeballs, one containing his Bulbasaur and another containing his newly caught Magikarp. He still questioned himself why he had brought himself to get an utterly useless Magikarp. The cool morning air swept the place, branches swaying gently in the wind. The fallen leaves were pushed against the ground, travelling slowly across the landscape.

Luke’s trainers were brand new, just a little dirty on the soles. It had been a gift from his mother, just as he was going to leave home. His dark blue almost black pants were up to his ankle, perhaps a bit too long. He was carrying a backpack, a nice white one. It had various compartments for almost anything. Luke smoothed out the creases on his Polo shirt. These had always been his favorite type of shirt, they were so cooling, yet looked professional. He ran a hand through his hair, with his fingers getting caught along the way. One of these days he had to take a decent shower, he put that on his mental to do list.
Luke looked at the sky, it was a brilliant blue. The clouds were moving slowly in the sky. He was taking a deep breath, when he hit something. Luke turned his head to the ground, a Caterpie was overturned on the ground.

“Oh, sorry little guy,” muttered Luke and bent over to pick it up. The small green caterpillar shook its head a bit and slowly made its way back to the tall grass. A slight beeping sound was heard and Luke opened up his Pokedex. It was a small palm sized machine that recorded any Pokemon you encountered. When you had encountered all two hundred and ten, you could unlock the National Pokedex which would go on to record Pokemon encounters until all four hundred and ninety two have been met.

“Caterpie, the worm Pokemon, it moves slowly each patch of grass collecting nutrients. Although it looks displeasing, it can evolve into a beautiful Butterfree.”
Luke blinked, these things would evolve into a Butterfree? That was surprising. As he continued walking, a dark shape began to slowly materialize. A small mountain. The Ravaged Path, as he remembered from his guidebook. Slowly, a step at a time, he made his way inside. The musty smell of damp soil and rocks touched his nose. As small as it looks from the outside, the inside was huge, objects like this had a habit of playing mind games with you. He could see massive lake inside, joining the entrance to other parts of the path. But all he needed to do was break a rock to pass to the other side of the path.
Both of his Pokemon did not learn the hidden move. So Luke had to use his own physical labor to move the rocks.

“Bulbasaur, I need your help,” said Luke, tossing out a small Pokeball, which expanded and released the small frog Pokemon. The Bulbasaur squinted a little, adjusting its eyes to the dimly lit cave, it was obviously wondering what Luke was doing in a cave. It turned its head to face Luke, awaiting its instructions. “Help me move these rocks, we need to pass.”
Bulbasaur was giving Luke a look that said, “Cant you climb over them?” Nonetheless two long vines protruded from its bud, wrapping around the rocks and lifting them over it head. A vine whip, useful in combat and everyday activities. In just a short while, the rocks were moved and a clear passageway was created. The Pokeball emitted a red beam and absorbed the Bulbasaur back in.

Luke stepped back out into the broad daylight, the sun had risen high whilst he was in the Ravaged Path. Out of nowhere, two trainers stepped in his way.

“Hi!” said the first girl. “I’m Liv, and this is my sister, Liz!”

“We’re twins!”continued Liz. “Since you have those Pokeballs on your belt, that means we can challenge you to a battle!”

“Both of you? At once?” questioned Luke clearly puzzled, eyeing the two girls carefully.

“Of course, silly” replied Liv, pulling out a Pokeball, her twin sister mirroring her. Both of them threw out their Pokemon. After the light from the Pokeball flashed, a Bidoof and a Shinx stood in front of them.

Luke, finally understanding the concept of a double battle. Threw out his Bulbasaur and his only other alternative, his Magikarp. “Bulbasaur, use Razor Leaf and Magikarp, err… use Tackle. “ Luke prayed that the Magikarp understood him and at least did something that was not splashing around.

The Bulbasaur shot razor sharp leaves at the Bidoof and Shinx. The electric Pokemon was fast enough to avoid the attack but the blur Bidoof was caught completely off guard and was cut in various places. As expected of the weak Pokemon, it stumbled for a while before collapsing.

The Shinx lowered its guard and thought it was safe, but it completely forgot about the Magikarp’s tackle. Apparently it knew that move and crashed itself directly onto the Shinx. The Magikarp’s body weight and rock hard scales collided with the Shinx’s tender fur and it went crashing into the ground. It rolled back but was still able to get up. It bared it’s fangs and embedded its teeth into Magikarp. The red fish whelped in pain as it tried to knock it off.

Bulbasaur sensing it’s companion’s pain launched another few leaves at the Shinx. While its attention was to Magikarp, it did not notice the leaves coming. The feline meowed in pain before collapsing.

“Wow, you beat us!”said Liz withdrawing her Pokemon. Her sister did the same before continuing. “Nice job, bye now!” The twins skipped away leaving Luke standing there.

“Nice Job guys,” Luke grunted as he retrieved both his Pokemon. He continued walking along the route, occasionally seeing wild Pokemon chasing each other around the grass patches. He saw a small sign. After stopping to read it he went on. “Another mile to go before Floaroma.”
A small Caterpie hopped onto the path, followed by another Pokemon. It was a small
brownish Caterpillar thing as well, only with a sharp sting on its rear end.

“Weedle, the hairy bug Pokemon, it rarely comes out to fight in its form, but after metamorphosis it becomes a deadly Beedrill, capable of death.”

“Hey, that’s the Caterpie we bumped into earlier,” thought Luke. The two Pokemon were baring their teeth, inviting a fight. “Guys, we have great experience in double battles don’t we?” Tossing out both his Pokeballs, he prepared to fight. The Bulbasaur and Magikarp glared into the eyes of the wild Pokemon, intimidating them every second . “Tackle and Razor Leaf, lets go!” The two Pokémon understood and launched into their attacks.

The two opponents were expecting the double attack and both dodged the attacks. The Weedle injected its sting into the Bulbasaur and released it’s toxins. Luckily , the Bulbasaur quickly recovered and awaited more orders.

“Bulbasaur, try a Double Edge and Magikarp, Flail”

The Bulbasaur reared it’s head back and rammed it into the Caterpie, making it fly back and crash against a tree. It could still stand, but it looked dizzy and feeble . The Weedle did another Poison Sting, this time directing it’s attack to Magikarp, whose scales deflected the attack. Magikarp’s Flail caught the Weedle when it was completely exposed, causing it the greatest pain.

“Alright guys, the moment of truth,” said Luke, pulling out two Pokeballs from his pack and tossing them at the two Pokemon. Both the balls wiggled

One…
Two…
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  #2  
Old 06-27-2010, 08:41 PM
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Default Re: Bug Business

Mine :) I'll have it done within two days just busy ^^;
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Old 06-28-2010, 07:53 AM
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Default Re: Bug Business

Quote:
Originally Posted by Limelight View Post
Mine :) I'll have it done within two days just busy ^^;
Thnx x)
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  #4  
Old 12-11-2010, 04:38 AM
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Default Re: Bug Business

Introduction:

Well, as this story was very short, I didn’t expect much in the way of introduction. You just start off the story where it begins and that’s that. You gave me enough information to know what Luke looked like, where he was, and why he was there. I would suggest not cramming all of that information too tightly together. For example, you don’t have to describe what Luke looks like all at once, you can spread those facts out and intersperse them with action.

Story/Plot:

Well, based on your stats, this isn’t your first story, so I’m a little disappointed about the plot here. It pretty much consisted of walking and battling. Since you’re going after two Pokemon from the Easiest category, I can understand why you didn’t think up a more developed plot, but I’d really like to see you push yourself more after writing two stories. There are a lot of stories in the URPG about trainers who basically just follow the path of one of the trainers in the Pokemon games, and they’re not particularly interesting.

The main problem with these stories is that the characters are basically faceless. They have no personality, because you can put just about any trainer in the same situation, where they start their journey and go exploring. What I want to see is Luke develop as a character, and have his personality start influencing his actions, and have his actions influence the plot so it becomes more unique.

Detail/Description:

You use telling language, not showing language, quite a lot. Allow me to show you what I mean:

Quote:
Bulbasaur was giving Luke a look that said, “Cant you climb over them?”
Okay, so what does that look like? You’ve told me what the look is saying, but that doesn’t allow me to form an image in my head. If you had said, for example, that Bulbasaur grimaced, I would know exactly how his face looked, and I would know what the look meant, because a grimace is a facial expression that indicates disapproval – in this case, Bulbasaur doesn’t like that he has to do some work. Another note about the sentence “Bulbasaur grimaced:” it’s less than half the length of the sentence up there. Sometimes you can describe a lot, really well, in few words. Also, the phrase “Bulbasaur was giving” is in the wrong tense. “Bulbsaur gave” is more proper.

Grammar/Style:

Don’t feel overwhelmed by this. Your grammar problems weren’t enough to warrant taking points off, I just wouldn’t feel right if I didn’t help you improve your style as much as possible.

You used the passive voice very often in this story, and that’s something you should try to avoid as much as possible. In the passive voice, the subject is receiving an action, while in the active voice (which you should be using), the subject is the one doing the action. For example:

The ball was thrown by the pitcher.
- Passive voice – the subject of the sentence, the ball, is receiving the action, the throwing.

The pitcher threw the ball.
- Active voice – the subject of the sentence, the pitcher, is doing the throwing.

So, here are some examples from your story:

Quote:
A slight beeping sound was heard and Luke opened up his Pokedex.
The beeping sound is being heard… by whom? And what’s making the sound? I can infer these both from the sentence, but one reason a lot of people use the passive tense is because they want to leave the person doing the action ambiguous. Try this construction of the sentence, which is in the active voice:

“Luke’s Pokedex made a beeping sound, so he opened it up.”

Quote:
The fallen leaves were pushed against the ground, travelling slowly across the landscape.
Here’s another example of where you used the passive voice to keep the action-doer ambiguous. What’s pushing the leaves against the ground? The wind? Try making the subject of the sentence the doer of the action, like so:

“The wind pushed the fallen leaves against the ground and blew them slowly across the landscape.”

One of the nice things about using the active voice is that it gets rid of unnecessary use of the verb “to be.” The beeping sound was heard. The leaves were pushed. The passive voice sounds wordy.

Here’s another issue:

Quote:
It was a small palm sized machine that recorded any Pokemon you encountered. When you had encountered all two hundred and ten, you could unlock the National Pokedex which would go on to record Pokemon encounters until all four hundred and ninety two have been met.
You used the second person in this passage, which means you addressed the reader directly. This story was written in the third person, so you should keep it that way. Don’t address the reader with “you,” use something in the third person, like so:

“It was a small palm sized machine that recorded any Pokemon a trainer encountered. When a trainer had encountered all two hundred and ten, they could unlock the National Pokedex, which would go on to record Pokemon encounters until all four hundred and ninety two have been met.”

Also, the tense you used in this paragraph sounded awkward, but I can’t think of a way to fix it.

One last thing I noticed you did a lot was use verbs that didn’t agree with the things they were describing. In other words, the subject was plural and the verb was singular, or vice versa. Here:

Quote:
On his belt, was clipped two Pokeballs,
There are two Pokeballs, so you need to use the plural third-person version of “to be” – “were.” “On his belt, were clipped two Pokeballs,” would be correct.

Quote:
It had been a gift from his mother,
“It” had been a gift? No, “they” had been a gift, because there were two shoes.

Length:

7519. It was fine for two Easiest-category Pokemon, but still rather short.

Battle:

Come on, even Caterpie and Weedle aren’t that weak. Each was only hit once, by Pokemon who have very little experience, as I’m guessing by the context of the story. I would’ve liked to see at least one more attack on each, and definitely more description of all the attacks. Let the weaker side put up a good fight, at least. This was pretty one-sided, and URPG battles shouldn’t be like that.

Outcome:

Ehhhhh, because you have some experience, I’m tempted to say you should really be able to do better, even for Easy Pokemon. But whatever, they’re Easiest-category, so it’s not like I’m expecting a masterpiece. One Pokemon captured! You can choose between the two, or you can make the battle a bit longer and PM me... that is, if you ever actually come back and read this.
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<URPG>
I can probably take some grading requests now. But don't all rush me at once. :/

Last edited by Elrond; 01-05-2011 at 09:24 PM.
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