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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-22-2010, 05:25 AM
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Default A Fisher's Luck (Ready for Grading)

In this story I'll be trying to capture Buizel.

A Fisher’s Luck


I felt Growlithe’s fur brush against my lap as he dozed off in the sun. I stroked him with my left hand, feeling the fur run through the gaps between my fingers.
It was a peaceful day by the river. My right hand was holding onto a fishing rod rather steadily. The sun was blanketing the earth with a warming light, so I assumed it would be the perfect day for fishing. I guess I was correct.
The river was flowing roughly, but I managed to fight against it constantly. Every now and again, I’d drag my hand away from Growlithe to steady the pole, but otherwise, it was perfectly fine. Other than the lack of bites.
Growlithe shifted his position, and stood up, without even stretching lazily, glaring across the river. I glanced at Growlithe, gazing at his orange and black striped fur.
“What is it?” I mumbled in question, glancing up to see what was across the river that seemed to make Growlithe somewhat upset.
Emerging from the water opposite of me was a Buizel, shaking itself so that the water would fling off it. Its orange hair fuzzed a little, before returning to its original posture.
I hauled the fishing rod towards me and lay it on the ground, resting from the fishing exercise. I threw my bag across my back, and readied an empty Poke’ball. I was going to catch this one.
“Growlithe, stay put,” I ordered silently, trying not to disturb the Buizel. It seemed to be heading towards the unstable bridge, heading towards me. Excellent.
The Buizel had taken its first step on the unstable bridge bravely, not even worrying about it breaking. I was beginning to get tense from excitement, and quietly stepped forward slowly, Growlithe following me. He seemed to understand my plans.
I took my first step on the bridge, and it creaked under the pressure of my weight. I was rather careful, fighting desperately to keep my tense excitement down.
The Buizel had taken one last step towards me before it paused, and identified me cautiously. It was now or never, I thought.
“Growlithe, scratch it!” I ordered, and Growlithe jumped onto the bridge, zooming right under me and causing me to lose my balance.
I tumbled backwards against the rope keeping the unstable wooden bridge together. I felt the rope snap and the wood give way beneath me, sending me, Growlithe and the Buizel down into the rushing river.
I struggled to keep myself upright underwater, but when I finally broke through the surface, I gasped for air. I was getting pushed towards a waterfall – I could tell. There was a large waterfall around here known for its beauty. It was the largest waterfall known to mankind. If I fell down that, I would be doomed.
I saw my Growlithe unconscious, submerged within the rushing current. I dived, swimming against the intense pressure, and grasped Growlithe, taking him up to the surface. This fishing trip had gone all wrong – I should have left the Buizel alone.
I swung my head desperately around, wondering if there was anyway to escape this almost certain doom. The current continuously crashed into my gasping mouth, but I only spat it out again. The taste stung my senses, though I ignored it.
I saw an orange figure emerge from the water and dive back in once again. It continuously did it in a pattern, gaining pace towards us, the current helping it. The distance between me and the orange figure was closing in, and I realized it was the Buizel I was trying to capture.
The sound of large crashing became more audible by the second – I realized the waterfall was about to appear behind me. I was going to fall to my death.
One last effort, I thought. I can save one of us.
Gathering all my remaining strength, I hauled Growlithe to the side of the waterfall, watching him slump towards the grass and lie down in safety. A tear rolled down my eyes. I’m going to miss you, Growlithe, I thought.
I swung my head back around, glancing at only the crashing currents heading towards me. The Buizel had disappeared almost instantly. Where had it gone?
Suddenly, a head smashed into my stomach where I was kicking and launched me towards the bank. I splashed into the water again, being submerged by the waves. Something was trying to heave me out of the water.
I suddenly realized who was trying to save me. The little Buizel that I had selfishly tried to capture. I smiled.
Another head rushed into my stomach, and I found myself clinging onto the rocks of the riverbank. I hauled myself up agonizingly slowly, but I managed to slump down against the refreshing grass and let the sun’s warmth shine upon me.
“Thanks,” I muttered to the Buizel standing beside my head, dug into the ground. My clothes were drenched, but I ignored it. I was grateful that the Buizel had saved my life from the fatal waterfall.
I managed to drag myself down the riverbank, against the dirt and grass, until I saw the resting figure of Growlithe slumped into the grass. “Growlithe...” I murmured. I wasn’t sure if he was still alive.
I covered Growlithe in my arms and hugged him tightly, feeling his dry coat dig into my chest. The sun must have dried him already. Boy, that was quick.
I felt a tugging on my shirt from a furry paw. I swerved my head around to look upon the Buizel that had saved my life.
“Look, I’m not going to catch you anymore... I’ll leave you alone,” I vowed. The Buizel seemed to understand me, and shook its head reluctantly. “I’m thankful... I swear,” I thanked. I felt a little stupid for talking to a mere creature, but who was listening in on it?
The Growlithe clutched in my arms moved, wiggling around, and crawled up onto its legs drowsily. It had awoken from its slumber... he had survived.
“Growlithe!” I exclaimed, excitement and happiness flowing through me. Thank god he wasn’t harmed...
Buizel continued to tug on my shirt with his orange paws. He was eager for battle, I could tell from his attitude. Well, if it was a battle he wanted, it’s a battle he’ll get.
Growlithe was still weakened by the frightful experience, but I thought he’d manage. After all, he did look a lot tougher than the Buizel did. I smirked with tense excitement.
“Growlithe, use Bite!” I shouted, launching to my feet almost instantly. My limbs ached at my movement, but I ignored it. This battle was going to finish, and there was nothing stopping me.
Growlithe launched itself into a sprint towards Buizel, who was standing still, ready for impact. Growlithe had its teeth at the ready. This battle was going to be intense indeed.
Just as Growlithe snapped its teeth, Buizel launched itself back and launched itself into the air, diving down with water rushing from its head. It was using the move Brine.
The Buizel smashed into the Growlithe and sent its weak body launching through the air and skidding onto the ground. Growlithe face-planted, whimpering in pain, before staggering back upwards to face its opponent.
“This is tougher than I thought...” I muttered to myself. I decided that I should use ranged attacks to keep my distance. Take it slow and steady, I thought. “Growlithe, use Ember!” I ordered. Growlithe obeyed, hauling a ball of fire from its mouth and striking the Buizel in the chest.
The Buizel hardly noticed. I scratched my head in wonder, why was my Growlithe so weak compared to this Poke’mon?
Then it struck me. Fire is pathetic against water. It is almost ineffective. I needed my second new tactic, some way to flip this battle until it was on my advantage... and what better move to do that than Reversal?
“Growlithe, use Reversal!” I ordered, and Growlithe obeyed weakly, running up to Buizel, still distracted by being proud about the useless Ember. A mere distraction...
Growlithe rammed into the Buizel at full power, weakening the Buizel intensely. The Buizel flipped through the air and struck the earth firmly, weakening it.
I clutched onto my Poke’ball, ready to hurl it at the weakened Buizel. I threw it towards the Buizel, and it hit it, absorbing it in an eerie red light. “Come on...” I muttered, as the Poke’ball started to wiggle. “I hope this captures...”
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  #2  
Old 11-01-2010, 04:04 AM
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Default Re: A Fisher's Luck (Ready for Grading)


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Old 11-01-2010, 06:20 AM
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Default Re: A Fisher's Luck (Ready for Grading)

Introduction:

Because of the formatting (no spacing between paragraphs!) the story was a bit of a turn-off. I'll talk about that later though.

The story's intro itself was nice. It had no action or mystery, which usually pull me in, but it did have peace. A nice, peaceful day at the lake. There isn't too much to say here. An introduction is meant to draw a reader in and also to introduce characters/settings/or a bit of the plot. Your intro fulfilled both objectives.

--
Grammar/Spelling:

The formatting for PE2K and most other bulletin boards is such that hitting the tab key is not going to do jack squat. So, to separate the paragraphs, you will have to actually hit the enter key at the end of a paragraph to make a bar of space between each paragraph. Please do that.

"Thank god" should be "Thank God". When you are referring to God, as in the Almighty Father, as in the Hebrew god Yahweh, then you capitalize his name, as you are referring to him specifically.

Also, be careful of your use of commas to continue a sentence. For example:

Quote:
Growlithe shifted his position, and stood up, without even stretching lazily, glaring across the river.
That quote is a little messy. There really isn't a need to continue the sentence past "lazily". I would be careful of doing too many sentences like this, where you carry a sentence on until it is a comma splice.

And
Quote:
“I’m thankful... I swear,” I thanked.
is not correct. "I thanked" is an action without a direction. Who is he thanking? The Buizel! So the Buziel's name should be inserted after the action.

Overall, your grammar was fine. At this stage of your writing, you should be thinking more about how to use your words effectively. Which I'll talk about more in the "Description" part of this grade.
--
Description:

You did basic descriptions of the Pokemon, which is great, as most beginner stories have a tendency to forget to describe the Pokemon. However, I would encourage you to describe more of the Pokemon. I would describe not just the surface features of a Pokemon, but their emotions, any little ticks they have and the way they carry themselves.

I think you should spend some more time developing the characters emotions and really writing about their state of mind. It felt that the human in this story should have experienced more fear or anxiety or something during the whole fall-into-water part of the story.

Also, he changed his mind back and forth about battling the Buziel rather quickly. I feel that he should have talked to the Buziel some more, or the Buziel should have talked to him, or at least another sentence or two should have been added describing the Pokemon's desire to battle.

You were good about describing the appearance and feel of things, but you didn't describe the other senses much. Hearing; sight; sound; feel; and smell. Those are the five senses. Now, don't use them all in one sentence xD But do remember to use as many of them as you feel is needed throughout your story.

Quote:
“Growlithe, stay put,” I ordered silently...
"Silently" means silently, which means no noise whatsoever, which means you were either giving no order at all and had no need for the quotation marks, or you were communicating telepathically, which means no need for the question marks. "Quietly" or a synonym along those lines would be a better choice. Watch out for this throughout your future stories and make sure that when you describe things, the words you use fit whatever you are describing.

And finally, I would suggest the idea of perhaps using some similes in your work. It's another way to describe things and they say variety is the spice of life (: A couple similes wouldn't go amiss. Overall, your description was fairly strong, especially for a first URPG story.

--
Plot:
It was short, but entertaining. It quickly went from lazy afternoon to near death. Given the Pokemon you are going after, the plot was well enough.

There isn't much to say on this story's plot. Short plots for short stories are fine. However, as you do bigger stories, the plot should be more complex. It's not that short plots are bad; they can make quite an impression. But you can only write so much about a lost dog biscuit and almost nothing else before things start to become boring and repetitive. Thus the longer the story, the more need for complex plots.

Those plots become complex by the addition of characters, locations and also mini-plots. Mini-plots are little plots that come up during the story. Say you were writing a story about a Pokemon that got kidnapped and during the story, one of the protagonists got their car stolen, or is breaking up with their girlfriend. So if you come up with a simple plot and feel like writing a lot about it, then think of little incidents the protagonists will run into and what places they will go and why they have to go there and so on.

Also, plot ideas can come not just from a single idea of something interesting, but also from the characters. Say if you make an interesting character and then think "What would this character find himself doing? Who might he offend? How could he get in trouble?". Also, plot ideas can come from themes, such as a death theme or an acceptance-of-life's-problems theme or whatever.

And yeah, this is a bit more info then you would generally see for a simple 'mon. However, I feel that you are about on the verge of moving up to the next tier of writing and I want to encourage you to get there (:

--
Length: Approx. 8000 characters. Given the plot, this was right about the length you should have been shooting for.

--
Battle:

:( If you are going to do a battle, do it with some more effort. Growlithe, as a fire Pokemon and as a half-drowned 'mon, should have had a harder time fighting the Buziel. Oh and don't forget to use the environment when writing battles. You mentioned the ground when Buziel was hit by Reversal; there was also water and maybe dirt/grass to throw in the enemy's face and who knows what else.

Also, you should describe the effects of the attacks in more detail. Yes, the Reversal weakened Buziel, but how? Did it knock it on its head and make it dizzy? Or did it make a huge, painful bruise? Details, details!

--
Outcome:

Buizel is...Captured! Congrats!

--
Other: I checked and Growlithe is your starter 'mon :D He was mine too *goes all nostalgic* ...anyway, enough with that. The point I wanted to bring up is that you don't have to use your actual Pokemon in your stories. You can use legendaries, mutant Pokemon, or, if it is a real good story, no Pokemon at all. I'd wait a few more stories before you try a no-Pokemon at all story though, as those stories tend to pull off the "capture" in a very complicated way. So, more experience would be helpful if you do no-Pokemon stories.

Length of Grade: 6933 characters.
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Last edited by Dragoness; 11-01-2010 at 06:25 AM. Reason: BOO!
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