Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 09-12-2010, 03:17 PM
Kaioo's Avatar
Kaioo Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: ^.^
Posts: 3,416
Send a message via AIM to Kaioo
Default The Journey of the Widespread Wings(Chapters 1&2 ready for grading)

Welcome to the first part of Chapter one, and the first Chapter in a legacy of captures.

The Journey of the Widespread Wings
Chapter 1- The Intrepid Swamp, Part 1
Attempting to Capture: Misdreavus
Required Character Count: At least 20,000
Actual Character Count: 22416(Part 1 and Part 2 together)

A lone figure trudged through the misty fog, his voice carrying through the silent air.

“Why the hell am I out here? Two miles they said.. Two miles and I’d be there.. Bloody bunch of lying…” the figure’s voice trailed off, his footsteps stopping. “Actually, where the hell am I? The map didn’t say anything about any swamp round here.. In fact, there are no swamps..”

The figure glanced around at his scenery, letting out a sigh, mostly of annoyance. His breath appeared in front of him thanks to the cold.

“This sure as hell isn’t Sinnoh.” the figure frowned.

His white eyes were quite frankly one of his most notable features, as well as his all white tuxedo and posh jeans. His white hair had been left unattended for God knows how long he had been in this godforsaken swamp. His hair lay tattered, only ear height at the sides.

”Keiru…” a voice called out from the fog.

The figure, who was called Keiru, looked around, trying to locate the origin of the voice.

”Keiru…” the voice called out again.

“Come out damn you? Who the hell are you, and where are you?” Keiru shouted in anger, clenching his fists.

Child’s laughter sounded all around Keiru, and a shudder rose up Keiru’s back as he felt a cold hand on his neck. Swirling round he found nothing behind him, but the laughter grew louder.

”Keiru… Come and play…” the voice laughed, Keiru shivering as if it was freezing cold.

The temperature had dropped dramatically, and Keiru was about a foot deep in swamp water, which was absolutely freezing. He would be lucky if he didn’t get hypothermia. And to top it all off, he was going crazy hearing voices and child’s laughter. Man was there something wrong with him… He had to be tripping, but what on? The swamp fog? Yeah, that had to be it.. He was tripping on the swamp fog.

Something hit Keiru’s leg and he fell face first into the murky swamp water. He spluttered, coughing uncontrollably trying to shift the water out of his throat. Slowly standing up he looked around, but saw nothing around him.

“What the?” Keiru asked, confused. “Why the heck did I just fall over? I felt as if something attacked me.”

”Keiru.. Why won’t you play with me?” the voice moaned.

“I’m not listening. You’re not real.” Keiru muttered, beginning to walk through the murky swamp.

”Keiru, that isn’t very nice is it? I am so real.. Why are you so mean?” the voice moaned again, sadness clearly in its voice.

“You’re not real!! It’s all my imagination!!” Keiru shouted, closing his eyes.

The wind picked up around Keiru, something lashing out at Keiru. His trousers were slashed, a wound being opened. Fresh blood trickled down his leg, and he winced, falling onto one knee in a kneeling position.

“What the hell?” Keiru growled, staring at his wound. “Who the hell did that?”

”Keiru.. Play with me.” the voice moaned, yet again.

“I am not listening crazy voice inside my head.” Keiru uttered.

”Crazy? You are the crazy one Keiru… You are the one wandering aimlessly in my swamp, in my playground. And you refuse to play with me!!! That makes me mad!” the voice shouted in anger, something hit Keiru’s face.

Blood flowed down his face from the small wound on his left cheek.

“Ok.. This is all just my imagination.. None of this is real.. This is just a dream…” Keiru muttered. “That hurts..”

”Now you are finally realising.. Congratulations.” the voice laughed, as a Misdreavus materialised in front of Keiru. ”Now, will you play with me?”

Keiru stared in confusion at the Misdreavus, which was talking to him.

“I shall not play with you, you crazy Pokemon!!” Keiru shouted, scrambling to his feet.

”Oh…” the Misdreavus frowned. ”Well, I’ll just have to kill you.

The Misdreavus shot towards Keiru, who dived to dodge the Misdreavus. Murky swamp water splattered around Keiru, who rushed back onto his feet, a Pokeball ready.

“Come on out Magic!” Keiru shouted, throwing the Pokeball into the air.

A large, blue Pokemon that was, if you stared at it intently, like a snake, with its long body. Its scales were blue, its underbelly a yellowy brown colour. It was a Gyarados, and one of Keiru’s strongest Pokemon. Magic let out an almighty roar as the Misdreavus just giggled crazily, floating in front of Magic.

“Use Hydro Pump!” Keiru shouted.

Magic opened its mouth, a large plume of jet blue water cascading towards Misdreavus. The water crashed into the Ghost-type Pokemon, and it crashed into the ground as the water pummelled it. The Misdreavus was still giggling, out of nowhere a Shadow Ball smashed into Magic’s side, causing it to crash through the air.

Trees collapsed to the ground as Magic collided with them, water splashing into the air as the big water Pokemon slumped in the water.

“Magic use Hyper Beam!” Keiru ordered.

Magic opened its mouth, a jet white beam of pure energy forming in its mouth, just as it was about to fire it, Misdreavus launched a Shadow Ball, which exploded when it crashed into the forming Hyper Beam attack. A cloud of dust formed around Magic, who crashed to the floor, the ground rumbling slightly.

“Damn it, come on Magic! Use Rain Dance!” Keiru ordered.

Droplets of rain began to fall as a rain cloud formed in the sky. The droplets turned into a downpour, but Keiru didn’t care as his clothes became drenched in the rain. Magic seemed reinvigorated thanks to the rain, and looked at Keiru for its next command.

“Use Hydro Pump!” Keiru demanded.

Influenced by the pouring rain, Magic rose back up, a much larger stream of water protruding out of its mouth than earlier. The Hydro Pump enveloped Misdreavus, the water cascading on it from all sides. Keiru smirked, his plan had worked. Magic was much stronger in the rain.

Misdreavus appeared next to Magic, and slammed itself into Magic. Magic shuddered violently as an attack was shoved at it with double the force of its Hydro Pump. Keiru cursed under his breath, the damn Misdreavus had used Payback.

Misdreavus focused intently at Magic, a wave of Psychic energy surging towards Magic. The wave smashed into Magic, who roared in pain as the Psywave smashed into its side. Magic was flung past Keiru, scattering trees, and small plants.

Keiru cursed himself now as he watched Magic unable to get back up. What the hell was he going to do? Stricken, he returned Magic, and placed the Pokeball back on his belt, and stared angrily at the Misdreavus, another Pokeball in his hands.

“Come on out Ickle Bird, it is time to spread your wings!” Keiru shouted, throwing the Pokeball into the air.

Ickle Bird, his Staravia, appeared in front of him, looking at him, before flapping into the air. Staravia was unable to be hurt by Ghost moves, and Keiru laughed. Misdreavus was a Ghost type, and most if not all of its moves were Ghost-type. Keiru laughed incredibly.

“Ickle Bird use Aerial Ace!” Keiru shouted.

Ickle Bird chirped, before swooping up into the air, becoming just a faint outline in Keiru’s view. Ickle Bird swooped down, faster than a speeding bullet, and smashed into Misdreavus. The two Pokemon landed in the water, which was scattered around.

Suddenly, Ickle Bird was shot out of the water as Misdreavus unleashed a barrage of Psywaves at it. Ickle Bird landed on the ground in front of Keiru, struggling to get up. Keiru frowned as Ickle Bird just managed to.

“Come on you can do it!” Keiru shouted. “Aerial Ace again!”

Again, Ickle Bird shot into the air, intent clear on its face. In one swift movement it swooped down, slamming yet again into the side of Misdreavus. Misdreavus was still giggling and fired a Psybeam at Ickle Bird. The Psybeam slammed into Ickle Bird, who crashed into a tree from the force of the Psybeam.

Ickle Bird managed to get back up, and looked at Keiru, awaiting a command from its trainer.

“Use Wing Attack!” Keiru shouted.

Ickle Bird’s wings began glowing white as it zoomed towards Misdreavus, who was giggling madly now, which quite frankly was getting on Keiru’s nerves. He clenched his fists.

“Pull up and use Pursuit!” Keiru roared.

At the last second, Ickle Bird pulled up, and just in time, as a Psybeam shot where it had just been, hitting nothing but air. Ickle Bird then launched back down, slamming into Misdreavus. Misdreavus went flying, slamming into a tree which proceeded to tumble down on top of it. The Misdreavus had stopped giggling, and erupted out of the tree, darkness pulsing from Misdreavus.

Three Shadow Balls rocketed towards Ickle Bird, and Keiru had no time to give out a command as the balls slammed into Ickle Bird, who let out a cry of sharp pain as it skidded across the ground. The rain peppered the soft flesh of Ickle Bird, soaking it to the very core. Keiru couldn’t believe it as he watched Ickle Bird unable to move. This damn Misdreavus had just taken down two of his strong Pokemon. He had one other, but it’d be at a disadvantage in the rain. Damn it.

“Return Ickle Bird. Come on out Fury!” Keiru roared in anger.

Fury, Keiru’s Infernape, appeared in front of him, and it was immediately obvious it didn’t like the rain. The rain soaked Fury’s flesh, making it even less happy. It glared at Keiru, awaiting a command.

“Punishment!” Keiru shouted.

Fury charged forward, leaping over a Shadow Ball that was launched at it. Fury front flipped over a Psybeam, Keiru smiling at this, as Fury slammed its fist, which was glowing with dark energy like Misdreavus was now, into Misdreavus.

Misdreavus slid backwards, stunned by the attack, and looked pretty angry as it fired off two Shadow Balls at Fury. The Shadow Balls slammed into the Infernape, and before it could recover Misdreavus launched a Psybeam attack at Fury.

“Hold your hands out Fury! Take the attack and channel it back in your own attack!” Keiru shouted.

Fury looked confused at Keiru, but nodded, turning back round and did as commanded. The Psybeam slammed into Fury’s palms, the energy surging through it.

“NOW! Use Thunderpunch!” Keiru roared.

Rain had soaked the skin of Misdreavus, and Keiru laughed as electricity surged around Fury’s right hand as it charged forward. Fury slammed its fist into Misdreavus’ side, and electricity surged all over Misdreavus. Misdreavus shuddered as it was electrocuted, but recovered quite quickly, causing Keiru to curse under his breath.

Misdreavus began giggling again, and Keiru fell backwards unexpectedly, Fury landing on top of him. Keiru tried to get back up, but he couldn’t. Something was keeping him down. Misdreavus floated forward, giggling madly as it did so, floating just above Keiru.

”Naughty Naughty..” the Misdreavus laughed. ”I don’t want you ruining my game just yet.”

Misdreavus raised an arm, and launched a Shadow Ball at Keiru. It smashed into him, and his last moments of vision were of the Misdreavus floating away, laughing madly the whole time. Damn that Misdreavus.
__________________
[paired with DarkAmethyst a.k.a angel-chan] URPG stats Ranger Log

Credit to Neo Pikachu for the avatar.

Last edited by Kaioo; 09-19-2010 at 04:54 PM. Reason: edited a mistake
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-19-2010, 04:53 PM
Kaioo's Avatar
Kaioo Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: ^.^
Posts: 3,416
Send a message via AIM to Kaioo
Default Re: The Journey of the Widespread Wings

Chapter 1- The Intrepid Swamps, Part 2
Character Count: 11352
Total Character Count: 22416

Keiru awoke to find himself staring up into the misty night sky. His clothes were dry, which was quite odd as he had been in down pouring rain. Looking around, he realised he wasn’t where he had been before. He was in a swamp shack, the murky waters bubbling below.

“How did I…” Keiru muttered, spinning round at the sound of footsteps behind him.

A man, who appeared to be about sixty, stood in front of Keiru, a welcoming smile on his face.

“It is good to see you Keiru.” the old man laughed slightly.

Keiru took a step back. How did this old man know his name?

“Keiru.. Come on, don’t you recognise me?” the old man rolled his eyes. “I am you.”

“W-what?” Keiru gasped, staring at ‘himself’. “Impossible.. I’m here.. You can’t be me.”

The old Keiru let out a sigh, coughing slightly, before clearing his throat.

“You are not in your time and land.” the old Keiru explained. “This is the land of Mysteries.”

Keiru stared at the old version of him confused. What the hell was this old coot on about.

“In your world you are currently missing.. You are not there. You are really here, this is no dream. But, this is not your world. When you took that right, and began walking through the trees, you had been heading for the town. However, you stumbled upon the entrance to this world, and here you are.” the old Keiru explained further.

“So, if I am Keiru, and you are me…” Keiru frowned. “Then why are you here?”

“Because young one.” old Keiru replied. “I am of this world. You are of the other world. It is like two different realities. The people and Pokemon may live in both the realities, but there are obvious differences between the two. I, for example, am a frail old man here, yet in your world I, you, are a young man.”

Keiru stared in complete shock, realisation dawning on his face.

“So, how exactly do I get out of here?” Keiru asked.

“You need to defeat the source of this world.” old Keiru replied. “Now go.”

Keiru walked off, smiling. He knew how to get out of this godforsaken swamp now. He had to defeat the Misdreavus. The wind picked up, swirling around him, getting stronger with every step. Every footstep the water squelched beneath him, every breath appeared like a wispy mist.

Keiru frowned deeply as the cold air grew tremendously colder, childlike giggling resounding all around him.

“Come out Misdreavus!!” Keiru bellowed.

The giggling stopped.

“You acknowledge me now do you?” the Misdreavus frowned, appearing in front of Keiru.

“Yes. I want out of this world. I want back into my realm.” Keiru growled.

The Misdreavus’ face dropped.

“You are just going to leave me here? You meanie!! This is my world!!! You can not leave.” the Misdreavus shouted in rage, launching a Shadow Ball at Keiru.

Keiru raised his arms in defence, the Shadow Ball shattering as it slammed into his arms. He gasped in pain, and was flung backwards, landing with a splash. His clothes were soaked once again, and he rushed back onto his feet, launching his Pokeball into the air. Fury, his Infernape, erupted from the red light which shot out of the open Pokeball.

“Fury use Close Combat!” Keiru shouted.

Fury charged forward, launching a barrage of attacks upon the Misdreavus. The Misdreavus laughed, floating into the air out of Fury’s path.

“Flame Wheel!” Keiru shouted.

Fury spun into a wheel of flames, shooting up into the air, slamming into Misdreavus. The fiery orange flames licked at the body of the Misdreavus. The Flame Wheel dispersed, and Fury landed in a crouch position on the ground in front of Keiru.

“Now use Flamethrower!” Keiru shouted.

Fury opened its mouth, a massive, powerful fiery red plume of flames erupted out of the Infernape’s mouth. The flames engulfed the ghost Pokemon, licking at its skin, slamming it with all its strength. Misdreavus let out a howl, and the Flamethrower exploded, becoming nothing but useless embers.

Keiru stared at the Misdreavus’ eyes, his own widened in shock at the glowing red eyes of Misdreavus. The light began to disappear, everything around Keiru disappearing into the darkness. The Misdreavus spoke in a hellish voice.

“You try to ruin my world, I shall make you pay.” the Misdreavus growled.

The Misdreavus vanished, and Fury looked around frantically, searching for the ghost Pokemon. The Misdreavus floated up from Fury’s shadow, and slashed at Fury’s back. Fury skidded across the ground, turning back round to face the Misdreavus.

The Misdreavus knew Shadow Sneak? But that’s an Egg Move. Keiru thought, frowning.

“Fury fight freely!” Keiru shouted. “Go with the flow! The Misdreavus can easily counter whatever I can think of! You can do it Fury!”

Fury nodded, and ran forward, feigning to attack the Misdreavus. The ghost Pokemon fell for it, launching a Shadow Ball at Fury, who disappeared as the Shadow Ball hit where it had just been. Fury landed behind the Misdreavus, and swiped with an intense fury at the Misdreavus’ back. Fury swiped four times, before flipping to the side to dodge a Psybeam, and launched a Mach Punch at the Misdreavus.

The Mach Punch slammed into the side of the Misdreavus, Fury smirking as it opened its mouth, unleashing a pure red swirl of flames upon the Misdreavus. The ground rumbled, Keiru seeing sparks of light. A blinding light erupted, slamming Keiru to the ground. A deafening roar filled the air, and Keiru blacked out.

Keiru opened his eyes, coughing heavily, and looked around. He was in a forest. He was back in Sinnoh! He coughed again as he stood back up, and looked around once more, surveying the area. Flames licked at trees, a massive battle obviously having occurred here. Keiru tried to remember what had happened, but nothing came to mind, and he rubbed at his head, a red sticky liquid rolling on his fingers.

Keiru felt an eerie breeze roll in, the cold slamming at him. Keiru checked his Pokeball belt, and realised a Pokeball was missing. Upon further examination, he discovered it was his Infernape’s Pokeball. Somebody had stolen Fury. His features contorted into rage, but he calmed down when he heard battle nearby.

What was going on? Running forward, he stormed through bushes, coming to a clearing. Fury, his Infernape, was in heavy battle with a Misdreavus. Upon sight of the Misdreavus, memories erupted in Keiru’s head, and he fell onto his knees as pain engulfed him.

He had been heading to a city, the name he could not remember, when he had found himself in a swamp. He had then been attacked by the Misdreavus, two of his Pokemon being defeated. He then blacked out, woke up and talked with an older version of himself. The battle began again between his Infernape and the Misdreavus, and he had been winning when a blinding light erupted, and now here he was.

“You destroyed my realm!!” The Misdreavus bellowed, its voice echoing through Keiru’s head. “You shall pay.”

Fury was doing quite well, launching attack after attack at the Misdreavus, yet it was still managing to hold off, as if it depended totally on getting revenge upon Keiru for the loss of its world. Its world of demented lunacy.

Fury glanced in his direction as he stood back up, moving to stand behind his Infernape, urging it on in its battle to defeat the ghost Pokemon.

“Come on Fury!” Keiru shouted.

Fury ran forward, leaping over a Psybeam attack, and spat out a furious red flamethrower, the sparkling light catching the plume brilliantly. The red was a bloody red, the same intensity of that of a ruby, it was beautiful. Elegant.

The Flamethrower crashed into the Misdreavus, flames swirling all around it, scorching the crisp green leaves of the trees on the edge of the clearing. The cold wind picked up even more, the green leaves swirling around the Misdreavus, cutting through the Flamethrower.

The Misdreavus feigned attacking Fury on the left, and Fury moved to the left to defend from the attack. The Misdreavus moved to the right, landing a Sucker Punch directly in Fury’s face. Fury fell to the ground with a thump, and Keiru stared in shock.

“GET UP!” Keiru shouted in intense anger. “Please!”

Fury struggled back up, staring at Keiru, before nodding. It turned back to the Misdreavus, which tried another Sucker Punch. Fury grabbed the Misdreavus’ hand, and slammed the Misdreavus’ Sucker Punch into its own face.

The Misdreavus was flung backwards, and Fury leapt forward, giving the Misdreavus no time to rest as it launched a Heat Wave attack at the Misdreavus. The wave of fiery orange flames encased the Misdreavus, which shuddered under the violent fury of the flames.

Fury front flipped over the Misdreavus, spinning round as it slammed a Blaze Kick into the back of the Misdreavus. Fury took advantage of its current form, and launched a second Blaze Kick, this Blaze Kick burning an almighty ruby red colour.

The Blaze Kick smashed into the Misdreavus, which slumped to the floor as Keiru watched eagerly from the sidelines, praying Fury would win the battle. The Misdreavus floated back up, launching three Psybeam attacks simultaneously at Fury.

Fury had no time to dodge as the three Psybeams collided with it. Fury was flung into the air, crashing into a tree. The tree crumbled down on top of Fury, and Keiru cursed under his breath as he saw no movement. Fury could not of lost.

Suddenly, the tree burst into fiery orange flames, and the tree flew through the air, slamming into the Misdreavus, which crashed to the ground. Keiru squinted as he saw a figure standing in an almighty blaze of flames, its piercing orange eyes clear even in the intense flames.

“What the…” Keiru frowned as Fury charged forward, unleashing a barrage of Blaze Kicks upon the Misdreavus. “Go Fury!”

The Misdreavus vanished, appearing above Fury, bellowing with laughter. A Psywave slammed into Fury, followed almost instantly by a Shadow Ball. Fury’s head snapped up to look at the Misdreavus, the blaze of flames gone now. Fury leapt onto the carcass of the tree, and flung itself into the air, erupting into a wheel of ruby red flames.

The Flame Wheel slammed into the Misdreavus, sending it hurtling towards the floor. Before it could even hit the ground, Fury launched a fiery red Flamethrower, and just as the Misdreavus hit the ground, the Flamethrower engulfed its body.

The flames ripped at the flesh, its scream filling the air as Fury launched itself down, its leg burning a fiery orange colour. The Blaze Kick slammed into the Misdreavus, and the two Pokemon disappeared into a hail of ruby red flames as the intensity picked up. Keiru shielded his eyes as the hotness could be felt from where he stood.

When the flames subsided, Fury was stood over the Misdreavus, gasping for breath. Keiru’s eyes widened upon realisation that the Misdreavus was defeated, and his hand moved instinctively for a Pokeball. He flung the Pokeball through the air, it arced towards the motionless Misdreavus. The Pokeball touched the body of the Misdreavus, and it opened with a pop, a stream of red light shooting out from the Pokeball, and wrapping around the Misdreavus, sucking it into the Pokeball.

The Pokeball snapped shut, dropping to the ground with a quiet thud, and wobbled from side to side once, twice…
__________________
[paired with DarkAmethyst a.k.a angel-chan] URPG stats Ranger Log

Credit to Neo Pikachu for the avatar.

Last edited by Kaioo; 10-11-2010 at 03:37 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-22-2010, 08:51 PM
Kaioo's Avatar
Kaioo Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: ^.^
Posts: 3,416
Send a message via AIM to Kaioo
Default Re: The Journey of the Widespread Wings

Chapter 2- The Two Babies of Thunder
Attempting to capture: Pichu&Elekid
Required Character count: 5-10k each, so 10-20k
Actual Character count: 11773

Keiru opened his eyes to a bright shining light, his memories of what had happened prior to his current positioning were a complete blur. He remembered nothing, apart from murky water, and lots of it. That and a battle.

Keiru heaved out a resentful breath as he pushed himself up, vaguely scanning his surroundings. From the brief look around Keiru realised he was in a dark forest, the night sky looming high above, the full moon beaming its elegant silvery stream of light, which was in fact the light of the sun being reflected by the moon’s surface, to the surface of the dark woods, showing Keiru a path.

The crisp green leaves crunched under Keiru’s feet as he walked, his white hair blowing in the wind. His white tuxedo and posh jeans were surprisingly unmarked, which was odd, seeing as he remembered himself being in a swamp. Or had that all just been a dream? He did not know. A sigh escaped his shiny red lips, cracked slightly from lack of drinking. Keiru made a mental note that the next town he stopped in he’d buy a backpack and some bottles of ice cold water to soothe his dry throat.

Every breath he took sent a small shockwave of pain through his body, and a small cough escaped shortly after. He needed a drink sharp, or he was going to collapse from dehydration. Keiru sniffed the air, the breeze rolling to his left. The sound of running water came from his right, and he let out a sigh of relief, walking briskly towards the direction of the running water.

Keiru entered the brush of trees and bushes, leaves scratching at his golden skin, tanned from days on end in the sun. Blood was drawn, and the scarlet river moved slowly down his arms and face, pain erupting as the cold wind cut into the wounds like a knife would cut through butter.

“Damn it, how far is this cursed water?” Keiru groaned, his voice hoarse from lack of water, and he fell into another fit of coughing.

Every time he swallowed, he lost some of the precious water he had left. His vision was blurring, and he knew he wouldn’t last much longer. Just as he thought he was going to crumble, unable to handle any more, he stumbled out of the bushes, the river tauntingly close. Keiru could just reach down and take some water up in his hands. Keiru collapsed, falling face first into the cold water. The cold instantly swept through him, ripping straight through to the bone. The water surged at him, but he remained face down in the water, unable to move.

Several seconds passed, and he finally managed to sit up, drinking the water in big gulps, snorting like a Ponyta as he shoved his face into the depths of the water, shovelling the water down. When he was finally satisfied, he leant back, staring up at the brilliant silver moonlight, the light relaxing him. Keiru closed his eyes, and fell into a sleep.

Keiru’s eyes shot open, instantly darting around his surroundings. He had heard a noise. Who, or what had made the noise he did not know. But he wasn’t taking any chances.

“Come out Fury.” Keiru whispered, throwing the Pokeball into the air.

The red and white Pokeball snapped open, a scarlet red beam igniting into existence, shooting out of the Pokeball with such speed that you could of possibly mistaken it for a bullet. The Orange monkey of fire came into view in front of Keiru, turning around to stare with curiosity at Keiru, soaked from the water, and it tilted its head to look at him.

“What? I was dying of thirst. Not that you would know about that, being a Fire Pokemon and all.” Keiru growled, angry at the ape’s amusement at Keiru being soaked.

A branch snapped from somewhere in the bushes, Fury’s head snapping round to look in the direction the noise had come from. Fury narrowed his eyes, and launched a Flamethrower attack at the trees. Two squeals erupted from the bushes, two small yellow Pokemon leaping out of the bushes. The Pokemon patted at their bodies, killing the flames, but stopped when they realised they had been rumbled, and began to step back slightly.

Keiru raised an eyebrow as he recognised the Pokemon. The smallest was a baby Electric Mouse, the pre evolution of the ever popular Pikachu. The Pichu, as it was known, was not as popular as its evolution, but it still was quite popular with trainers, only because of its sheer cuteness compared to Pikachu’s cuteness. The other Pokemon was another baby electric Pokemon, an Elekid. The Elekid was the pre evolution of Electabuzz, a strong Pokemon.

Keiru smiled at the two baby Pokemon. They would make fine additions to his team, as not only would that give him more Pokemon, but if they evolved, he’d have two strong Pokemon at the ready. Pikachu was a remarkably versatile and energetic Pokemon, whilst an Electabuzz was a powerful, awe inspiring Pokemon.

Keiru’s hand reached down for a second Pokeball, unleashing his large water dragon into play. Even though the water dragon had a type disadvantage, Keiru didn’t care. Gyarados was strong, and looked eager to engage in the battle, keen to please its trainer.

Keiru fell into a battle stance, staring across at the Pichu and Elekid as his Infernape and Gyarados moved to face off against the two baby Pokemon. It was overkill to be fair, but Keiru wanted these Pokemon, and was not about to let something happen that would stop him losing the Pokemon.

“Magic use Hydro Pump. Fury use Flamethrower.” Keiru commanded, watching his two powerful Pokemon prepare themselves.

Magic was the first to unleash its attack, the sparkling blue massive jet of water erupting from its mouth, and washing over the two Pokemon. They were sent flying, crashing into a rock face, several small pieces of the dark brown rock crumbling to the ground. Fury unleashed the ruby red swirl of flames, which smashed into the two baby Electric types, teasing them, torturing them, allowing them no escape from the attack.

“Magic use Hyper Beam, Fury use Fury Swipes!” Keiru roared.

Magic, again was the first to unleash its attack. The enormous pure white beam of destruction soaring through the air, small drizzles of steam rising into the air from the attack. The Hyper Beam clashed with the bodies of the Elekid and Pichu, and Keiru watched as the rock face erupted into small pieces as the Hyper Beam destroyed it. Fury now charged forward as the Hyper Beam dissipated, and went into a mad fury. Its claws gleamed in the moonlight, the silvery shine matching that of the silvery light beckoning from above. Fury swiped twice at the Elekid, before finishing with a swipe at the Pichu, and back flipped back to land alongside Magic.

The Pichu looked angry, and unleashed a large Thundershock for its size at Magic. The shining yellow bolt of electricity surged through the air, sizzling as it connected with the water dragon. The Water Dragon let out a bellow, its body shuddering from the electricity surge, before another Thundershock crashed into the water dragon.

“Stop their attack with a Close Combat, Fury!” Keiru shouted.

Fury’s eyes erupted into a sparkling scarlet red colour, as the fire ape charged forward, and moved faster than Keiru could blink. The attack was over in a split second, the Pichu and Elekid heaving, unable to move hardly, tired out from the unrelenting attacks placed upon them.

“Magic use Dragon Rage.” Keiru beckoned for Magic to unleash its inner rage.

Magic let out an ear splitting roar, launching itself forward. It smashed itself into the two baby Pokemon, thrashing about madly in rage, fury over empowering all it’s other emotions, until fury was its only emotion. Keiru’s eyes widened as Magic carried on in rage, unable to control itself. The cliffside shuddered, cracks erupting across its surface.

“Magic!! Cease your attack!” Keiru roared, but the water dragon continued. “Now!!! Before you bring the cliff down on top of us!”

Magic shook its head, looking around as if its memory had been lost. Several moments passed before it realised where it was. The Pichu leapt into the air, electricity surging around its fist, slamming the fist into the water dragon. The Thunderpunch was remarkably powerful, as Magic shuddered violently from the surge of the electricity. Keiru regretted sending Magic out, since it had a type disadvantage, but he had to carry on with his decision.

“Fury use Flame Wheel.” Keiru commanded, his tone of voice demanding, more volatile.

Fury reacted instantly, in the split of a second Fury had disappeared in the spinning wheel of fiery orange flames, and skidded across the ground, slamming into the Pichu, stopping it from unleashing another attack upon Magic. The Pichu crashed into the cliffside, falling to the floor, and remained still, though it was clear the Pichu was not yet defeated. Fury surged towards the Elekid, which leapt into the air, narrowly dodging Fury’s attack.

The Elekid snapped round, unleashing a courageous and powerful energetic bolt of fiery thunder in the direction of Fury. The Thunderbolt surged through the Flame Wheel, splitting the flames, and revealing a gap. Fury slumped to the floor, its attack stopped dead in its track as it fidgeted from the electricity surging through its body.

“Magic use Hydro Pump.” Keiru commanded.

Magic’s mouth lifted open, the first droplets of the jet blue water dripping from its deadly jaws, before the large jet of water erupted, flooding the ground, and surging towards the Elekid and Pichu. The two small Pokemon were dragged under, and Keiru cursed as he watched the Elekid and Pichu thrown into the river by the force of the attack. The current threw them down stream, and Keiru’s eyes widened as he saw in the distance a waterfall.

“No!” Keiru bellowed, charging forwards.

Keiru leapt into the water, not caring for his clothes, or how cold he now was. He swam forward, the breast strokes slamming through the water with such force, the muscles in his legs surging with pain as he slammed with all his might. Adrenaline coursed through his body as he pummelled onwards. The Pichu and Elekid were amazingly close, and he wrapped his arms around the two Pokemon, and then realised he was going to go down the waterfall. He closed his eyes, holding tightly to the Pichu and Elekid, making sure if he fell, that they would be protected.

He heard a splash, and opened his eyes to see Magic, his Gyarados, lying in front of them, blocking the river off, and thus stopping them being carried by the current. Keiru placed the Pichu and Elekid on Magic’s back, and heaved himself up onto it, patting Magic softly as it slithered back onto the embankment, and let the Pichu, Elekid and Keiru off.

The two Electric Pokemon looked up at Keiru, leaping at him, and sending him crashing to the ground. Small sparks of electricity surged around their body as they squeezed Keiru tightly, happy that he had saved them, all memory of the battle gone from their mind. Keiru smiled at them, and watched as they jumped back to the ground, staring up at him.

“You guys want to come with me?” Keiru asked, kneeling down to their level, a big smile on his face.

The Pichu and Elekid looked at each other for a moment, before looking back at Keiru, their heads moving up and down vigorously. Keiru smiled, his hands moving to grab two Pokeballs. His smile didn’t falter as he threw the two Pokeballs at the Elekid and Pichu, the balls snapping open and the red beam of light surging out of the Pokeball, encasing the two Electric Pokemon, and sucking them into the Pokeballs. The two Pokeballs landed on the ground, and began wobbling from side to side. They wobbled once, and then twice, and Keiru held his breath, praying that the Pokeballs would resound with a lovely click to signify a successful capture.
__________________
[paired with DarkAmethyst a.k.a angel-chan] URPG stats Ranger Log

Credit to Neo Pikachu for the avatar.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 10-10-2010, 06:34 PM
Team Pokemon's Avatar
Team Pokemon Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Greece, Athens
Posts: 1,494
Send a message via AIM to Team Pokemon Send a message via MSN to Team Pokemon
Post Re: The Journey of the Widespread Wings(Chapters 1&2 ready for grading)

Yeah, you guessed right. I claim both chapters... Oh my gosh... Where will I find the time to grade this?... But remember Kaioo: do not complain. I am the only choice you have.
__________________


AIM: Tomato Kitsos
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 10-19-2010, 07:59 PM
Team Pokemon's Avatar
Team Pokemon Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Greece, Athens
Posts: 1,494
Send a message via AIM to Team Pokemon Send a message via MSN to Team Pokemon
Talking Re: The Journey of the Widespread Wings(Chapters 1&2 ready for grading)

This is the grade for the first chapter only!!!! The grade for the second one will be posted soon.

Introduction: We get little information about your hero, however that’s no problem because the entry to your story is not sudden. You instantly begin the main story, without any prior narration, but you do describe indirectly what has happened so far. Therefore, I didn’t have to struggle at all to find out what is going on. ;)

Plot: Although your story is good, your plot is weak. A dude walks in a swamp, hearing voices, comes across a sinister Misdreavus and then there is a huge battle. The battle was good, but that doesn’t make up for the absence of the basic part of the story. For example, it was a little sudden how he got teleported to Misdreavus’s world and how he got back. Then again, you could say something more before the voices start talking, because, technically, that is where the battle begins to begin to start, if you get what I mean.
Another problem was reality; a Misdreavus can defeat a Gyarados, a Staraptor and almost an Infernape? It’s a bit too much. And the battle between Infernape and Misdreavus was huge. How many hits can just two pokemon take, especially Misdreavus?
So, your battle’s enormous size seems to have damaged it a bit. And this is another minus for your plot, because, not only the basic part is incomplete, but the battle is too much too.

Grammar: Minor grammar mistakes, but I have to point out two things.
First of all, you need to be careful not to repeat words. It seems you were doing that many times. For example, that the flames had the colour of rubies. I grew tired of reading it. And when the reader gets tired of, you must sound the alarm.
Then, I think you have a slight problem with gerunds. In quite some cases, you were sticking gerund phrase between the text, which is not bad, but the subject of the main verb was not the same with the one of the gerund. It is not a mistake, but you are forcing the reader to find out himself what the gerund is describing. And, once again, the reader should never be obliged to find something out himself. Try to avoid that.
In addition, just remembered, avoid using too many who, whose, where, which etc in the same period. That’s all.

Paragraphing/punctuation: No problem here. You did, however, makes a few mistakes in paragraph changing. Just read the paragraph change rules and you will be O.K. An example: “Actually, where the hell am I? The map didn’t say anything about any swamp round here.. In fact, there are no swamps..”

The figure glanced around at his scenery, letting out a sigh, mostly of annoyance. His breath appeared in front of him thanks to the cold.
Because the figure is still the one we are talking about, you mustn’t change paragraph.
In addition, a typo I came across more than once was .. instead of … .

Details: No problem in details either. In fact, this was one of the strongest aspects of your story! Thanks to your details, your story was long enough without many things happening and I could easily visualize what you were narrating. ;)

Dialogues: There weren’t many dialogues in your story. But the few existing were rather good. There was a variety of speech verbs and, apart from the main speech text, there was good description following. The dialogue with the old Keiru was truly complete. The only problem, though, was that your story didn’t have many dialogues, meaning that it didn’t need to have many. I won’t count it as a mistake, but it is good for a story to have people interacting. It looks more “natural” that way.

Battle: I have already mentioned the problems of your battle in the plot part. But apart from these, I have to say that it was a good one. I could really understand what was happening and HOW it was happening (this is very important), thanks to the in depth descriptions. Just remember to make it real and of a size comparable to the main story.

Length: :X

Outcome:
So, your basic problem was the lack of a strong plot. However, your story is general was more than just satisfying. Remember to read it through more than twice, each time looking for different types of errors. And always read it once without having your mind on something, and change anything (and by that I mean everything) that doesn’t seem to please you. I f something doesn’t sound good to you, it won’t sound good to the reader ten times more. Nothing else generally, and that's bad, because the grade is too short and I won't get much money... So, having finished, I can finally tell you that the Misdreavus has been captured!
__________________


AIM: Tomato Kitsos

Last edited by Team Pokemon; 10-19-2010 at 08:06 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 10-28-2010, 05:04 PM
Team Pokemon's Avatar
Team Pokemon Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 1)
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Greece, Athens
Posts: 1,494
Send a message via AIM to Team Pokemon Send a message via MSN to Team Pokemon
Post Re: The Journey of the Widespread Wings(Chapters 1&2 ready for grading)

Introduction:
Not much, I am afraid. First of all, there was no summary of the first chapter, but I don’t really mind about that, not only because I graded it, but also because there was no relation between the two parts. I noticed that in your first story: whenever you want to change a scenery, you just say that Keiru collapsed/fell asleep/fainted, then woke up and restlessly scanned his surroundings. I was really disappointed, because I got the feeling that you have the ability to write a perfect story, and I still have it. In addition, you redescribed Keiru a bit (white hair, tanned skin, white clothes) which is good, but it seems that that was the description you need to write when you begin a brand new story, and chapter two is not a brand new story unfortunately.

Plot:
Weak, just like the one of the first chapter. The battle was way too big, compared to the main story, which is definitely not positive. Plus, it seems that you recycled the ideas of the first chapter. In other words, we see an exhausted Keiru, who has completely no clue of his own whereabouts and gets hurt for one reason or another, until the battle begins. And, athough the first chapter had a logical explanation (sinister Misdreavus, parallel world etc), this one does not. If we take away the descriptions (which were quite good, but check the appropriate section about them), the story is simply “a dude walks in a forest and finds two pokemon”. The river scene was a save, but it could not bear the weight of the whole story. It seems as if you are writing it while solely thinking of how you will manage to get the pokemon you are aiming for. Thus, the plot is weak and the only purpose it exists for is to lead to the battle. And then you realize that there are not enough characters and make the battle huge. When coming up with a plot, you need to answer a few basic questions: what is happening, where it is happening, maybe when, and, most important of all in our case, WHY is happening. You could say, for example, that Keiru was a fugitive and was running away from the police. An extreme example, but a solution as well. If you say just that, the whole story gets a meaning, because we understand why he kept on going although he was getting hurt and exhausted. All your great details are worthless, if there is no plot to support them.

Grammar/punctuation:
No serious stuff. But, please, do try fixing the gerund problem I mentioned in the first grade. Your sentences need to be more coherent, because sometimes they may ruin the story for some people (like me) who have a fixation with order. And do keep in mind the reading rule: whenever you briefly pause while reading loudly your story, put a comma.


Details:
Your details were precise and gave me a clear picture of what was being described. So, congratulations! Nevertheless, I think you were exaggerating in some cases. For example,
Quote:
…leaves scratching at his golden skin, tanned from days on end in the sun. Blood was drawn, and the scarlet river moved slowly down his arms and face, pain erupting as the cold wind cut into the wounds like a knife would cut through butter.
The leaves caused such deep wounds that even the cold wind was painful. And if so, why didn’t Keiru do something. “Scarlet river” means we are talking about quite a lot of blood. Or,
Quote:
A sigh escaped his shiny red lips, cracked slightly from lack of drinking.
. If his leaps were cracked and dehydrated, how could they be shiny. Generally, although your details were capable of creating the right atmosphere, they did not respond to reality. And that can be seen in the battle a lot, but I will get to it in the battle section.
Another important problem in your details was that you repeated many words, and sometimes more than twice. I told you about that in the first grade. Please, try to avoid it. It really destroys your excellently written details.

Dialogues: Apart from the orders, there were few dialogues and they were all correct. It would have been nice if there were more people that Keiru would talk to, because the story is a little lonely and thus a bit neutral too, which is dangerous because it may turn into boring.

Battle:
The longest and most unrealistic part of the story. As you said yourself, it was an overkill. Pichu and Elekid didn’t stand a chance against Gyarados and Infernape. And here comes the ultimate exaggeration: while both pokemon should have literally gotten creamed, they survived, didn’t get a scratch and were also able to fight back. You said for example that the rock broke due to the hyper beam, and the pokemon did not even get a bruise? If you were realistic, they should have had a bone broken, at least. Then again, after Fury’s Close combat, you say that they were both heaving, unable to move, but Pichu did attack later on, leaping high into the air, and that, to be even more precise, after Gyarados had used Dragon Rage and had almost brought down a whole cliff. Do you realise how strong the attacks you describe are? Pichu and Elekid couldn’t have survived all these hits. They got hit by Hydro pump, smashed into a rock, whose surface broke into pieces, face first, then got burned and tortured by a flamethrower, were crushed by a Hyper Beam that completely broke the rock, swiped by Fury swipes, punch in light speed by a Close Combat, crushed by the huge Gyarados with Dragon Rage, then Pichu got hit by a Flame Wheel and crashed into the Cliffside, falling on the ground amost exhausted, and finally, both were launched into the river by another Hydro Pump. Nevertheless, they did not drown until Keiru could grab them and, after all that, and although it was Keiru’s fault that the almost drawned, they happily agreed to forgive and join him to his journeys. Does that sound logical? Obviously no. And, even worse, these pokemon are BABY pokemon, there are not a super fearsome extra-powerful Metagross or Tyranitar. If your main plot was bigger, the battle wouldn’t have to be that large and you could have avoided all these. BE REALISTIC!!!! Your story has to make sense. Otherwise, nobody will like it, including the grader.

Length: Okay.

Personal comment:
I did notice that you tend to described violent and ugly scenes. And I am not only referring to the ultimate exaggeration in the battle, but also the blood, cracked leaps, the almost dehydration and drowning etc. And you did that a lot in the first chapter too. In addition, your hero seems sinister in some cases, like when he smiled (which is actually smirked) at Pichu and Elekid. It’s not bad, as long as you stay between the limits of reality, but, personally, I didn’t like it. It made your story gloomy and dark. I repeat, it’s not an error, but be careful about it.

Spoiler:
Outcome: Major plot problem, which resulted in the demolition of the whole story. And, you have to read your story more than twice, and very carefully if you had done it, in order to avoid mistakes like repeating words. It is a pity, because it is obvious that you know how to narrate, but you seem unable to find something substantial to narrate. Try using more imagination, that’s the only advice I can give you, to make a logical plot. I am really sorry but either Pichu or Elekid was not captured. You choose which one you will get.
__________________


AIM: Tomato Kitsos

Last edited by Team Pokemon; 10-28-2010 at 05:09 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 10-28-2010, 05:18 PM
Kaioo's Avatar
Kaioo Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: ^.^
Posts: 3,416
Send a message via AIM to Kaioo
Default Re: The Journey of the Widespread Wings(Chapters 1&2 ready for grading)

Thanks for grading the first two chapters, Team Pokemon. =) I'll be taking the Elekid *waves to the Pichu*.

I'll probably get a chapter out soon maybe... xP and the plot will definitely be better
__________________
[paired with DarkAmethyst a.k.a angel-chan] URPG stats Ranger Log

Credit to Neo Pikachu for the avatar.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:16 PM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com