Not a Monster [SWC]

[sammy0295]

I know the title sucks. I'm bad at them.

The forest had always had a creepy vibe. My mother warned me to stay away because I could get hurt. My father always said when I was older we’d go camping there, but for now, he agreed with my mother. My brothers told me stories of the monsters that lived there and the little boys about my age who had gone missing. Whenever I went near the forest I got a little scared. Maybe it was just my brother’s stories, but there really seemed to be something evil about the forest. What I really hated about it was that it was so close to town.

I was playing behind the Pokecenter bouncing a ball off the wall. It may have been more fun with more people playing, but I enjoyed it as it was. I didn’t really have any close friends. Sure there were the people I sat with at lunch and played with during recess, but we weren’t really close, we just entertained each other during school. I guess that was weird for a ten year old boy, but I didn’t care. So I was playing wall ball with what was my most reliable friend, my little red ball. I didn’t mind not having many friends, if anything I liked it. It gave me more time to think. The rhythmic tapping as the red sphere hit the wall, then the ground, then my hand, and then started over again. I really did enjoy the solitude. The only thing I didn’t like was that it was awfully close to the forest.

I was playing with my ball as I always did, bouncing it, listening to its rhythm. I hit it crooked and it bounced to far from me.. I lunged to catch it, but still it flew past me. I ran after it futilely as it was rolling down a hill, straight to the forest. I watched as the darkness of the forest swallowed it. I stopped running just at the edge of the forest, and tried to see into it. It was incredibly dark, especially on such a bright day.

The forest couldn’t have been that bad. My brother probably just made up the stories to scare me. It was really dark, but that was probably it. I tried to convince myself of it, but I still was so sure. But I couldn’t just leave my ball. It was probably really close to the edge. I would be able to take a couple of steps in grab my ball and then come back out in under a minute. It couldn’t have rolled far through the thick underbrush.

I hesitantly took a few steps into the trees. I didn’t see my ball so I took a few more steps. So far there didn’t seem to be any big monsters or anything like that. I was already getting more confident, but I was still scared. I continued further into the twisting plants and darkness. It took no time at all for the thorny plants to grab my clothes and rip through my favorite blue t-shirt and cut my arms, but at least my thick jeans protected my legs. And there were no monsters to be seen. In fact,. No noise at all. When I noticed that I lost the little confidence I had.

I stopped where I was and looked around, trying to find even the smallest bug or bird and praying not to find a monster. I noticed a rustling noise and quickly found the source. A bush behind me was shaking. I looked at it anxiously, expecting a huge monster to pop out and eat me up. A creature jumped out of the bush and flew at my face. I fell back in surprise and screamed. What ever it was was still on my chest. It was pretty small, but that wouldn’t matter when it started to eat my skin off, which is what I was expecting it to do.

I swatted the creature off of me and backed up away from it, still on the ground. I looked at it to see what kind of a monster it was, and waited in fear for it to attack again. But when I got a better look at it I saw that it was scared to. It had its head tucked away behind it and it was shaking. It was an orange colored worm with many small red feet. There was a sharp looking horn on its tail and its head. Despite them, I doubted the Weedle could or would hurt me. I crawled closer to it, slowly so I wouldn’t scare it more.

“I won’t hurt you little guy. It’s okay, I promise.” I reached out to pet him. He peered up at me and when he saw my hand moving towards him he shrunk back. I pulled my hand back and tried again, slower this time. He stayed still this time, though he still seemed wary. I pet his head and he understood that I wasn’t going to hurt him. I moved closer and picked him up, putting him on my lap. He looked up at me cheerily, now. “I thought you were a monster or something. I didn’t mean to scare you. Any chance you saw a ball roll through here?”

“Weed. Weedle!” It seemed he had seen the ball. He squirmed and looked further in the forest. It seemed it had gone that way. He climbed out of my lap and ran in the direction he had been looking. He stopped and looked back at me, waiting for me to follow. I stood up and walked towards him. “Weedle!” He cheered then kept going. I followed him through the forest and it continued to get darker and harder to navigate. I begin to think I may not be able to find my way back out. I was beginning to think I should head back without my ball when I saw something red just a little ahead of me.

I moved to get a closer look and saw that it was my ball. I picked it up in one hand and picked up Weedle in the other. “Thank you so much for helping me. I never would have found my ball without your help.” Weedle squirmed happily in my arms to say ‘you’re welcome.’ I turned around to head back out of the forest and found myself face to face with a monster.

It was large and brown with a large body and thin arms and legs. It had a pair of huge thorny horns on top of its head. They moved open and closed like scissors. I realized as I looked at it more that it was not a monster, but a Pinsir. It still scared me and I took a few hasty steps back. The Pinsir moved closer and grabbed my arm in its horns and pulled. It hurt more than anything I had ever felt and made me drop my ball and the Weedle before falling to the ground.

I sat on the ground and cradled my bleeding arm. I noticed Weedle behind Pinsir. He was preparing to attack. I wasn’t sure what he could do against the Pinsir. The larger of the bug Pokémon moved towards me to finish me off, but the smaller interrupted with a String Shot. Weedle shot the sticky webbing out of his mouth and it wrapped around Pinsir’s legs.

The Stag Beetle Pokémon tripped and fell. He squirmed struggled to break out of the webbing. Weedle used that time to sting it a few times with his poisonous horn in between its plates of armor. I could tell the stabs hurt, if only because of the poison, by the grimace on Pinsir’s face. Despite the pain it was quickly back on its feet, this time to attack Weedle.

Pinsir moved in closer and with a simple swipe of its clawed hand knocked Weedle yards away before he was stopped by a tree. Pinsir turned back to me and I saw it grimace again, presumably from the poison. He continued towards me and when he was within range he struck me as he had done to Weedle. I fell down from my sitting position and hit my head on the ground. I felt blood where Pinsir had hit me.

I tried to stand, but a wave of pain pulsed through my head and I was knocked off my feet. Pinsir moved attack again, this time with his horns, but stopped and grimaced from the poison again. I used that opportunity to crawl away, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to outrun my attacker. It went to attack again and I knew I was done for.

But then it stopped, with a look of what could really only be called annoyance on its face. It turned around and I realized that Weedle had saved me with a weak tackle. Pinsir meant to rid of the disturbance once and for all. It grabbed Weedle in his horns and brought him above his head. Weedle squirmed to break away, but only hurt himself on the thorns. Pinsir squeezed to worm as hard has he could. I knew I had to do something and slowly stood up.

Weedle lost consciousness and still Pinsir squeezed. I threw myself at it knocking us both to the ground and releasing Weedle from its grip. A sharp pain went through my head again as I scrambled over to Weedle. He wasn’t in good shape. I picked him up carefully and cradled him in my arms. I stood up and ran not checking to see if Pinsir had recovered yet. I ran through the forest, battling my killer headache and not sure if I was even headed in the right direction. I had no idea if Pinsir was following me, but I wasn’t going to risk slowing down. Before to long the forest started to lighten and then I was out. Luckily I had run in the right direction and was right behind the Pokecenter. I kept running and I when I got inside I gently put Weedle on the counter in front of a confused Nurse Joy and said in between panting breaths, “Help him.”

“What happened?” She asked me disapprovingly.

“Just help him!” I was angry at her for just leaving the unconscious Weedle laying on the counter while she grilled me for information. A couple of Chanseys came by with a stretcher and took him. One of them pulled my shirt for me to follow and I obliged. The nurse at the counter call after me to wait, but one of the Chanseys quieted her with a stern, “Chanse!” When we were in the back they started to help Weedle and another Chansey came by to help me.

“I’m fine. I’ll be alright.” The large pink Pokemon continued to tend to my wounds. “Will he be okay?” I pointed to Weedle. Chansey glanced at him then looked back at me.

If it's a catch he'll be okay
Target Pokemon: Weedle
Level: Easiest
Characters Needed: 3000-5000
Characters: 9307

[Taras Bulba]

NOT A MONSTER
Sammy0295

INTRO
What impression did I get when I started reading this?

The first paragraph has some very monotonous sentence structure. It's all (Family Member) verb (something about the forest). Mix it up a little! At least we get to see what each member of the family thinks about whatever this forest is, though.

Some grammar issues, too. You need to watch your comma usage. When beginning a sentence with an interjection, (e.g. "Sure") put a comma after it. Also, don't comma-splice. If a sentence is made out of two other sentences, use a semicolon.

Your intro shows us that the kid is ten years old. That might be the reason for the simplistic sentence structure. You establish his personality with this wall-ball thing and then kick-start the story by sending him off into the forest. Dun dun dun!, etc.

Your introduction does its job.

PLOT
Is it a good story?

It's a basic story. Kid goes to play, goes to a place with wild Pokemon because of an accident, befriends a friendly local, and gets in a fight. He saves the one who saved him.

The fact that it's only a child that does this does make the story more compelling. I guess it's the d'aww factor.

DIALOGUE
Do we understand what they're saying?

This story lacks significant dialogue. Nothing to see here!

CHARACTERIZATION
Are your characters original, well-defined, and compelling?

Your main character is ten years old. This is a bit of a cliche in terms of Pokemon writing, but you put effort into it. The narration is simplistic, the kid is naive and stubborn, and overall it works well.

GRAMMAR
Does you talk pretty?

Minor typoes everywhere. Watch it. Some sentences are cut off as though you were in the middle of writing them, got distracted, and came back, skipping it.

"To"/"Too."
To: I went to the Upper West Side. It's Greek to me. I like to sing.
Too: I'm hungry too. That's too bad.
(Two: Two is less than three.)

See what I said about commas earlier. You must use them when:
=you begin sentences with words like "suddenly," "sure," or "however."
=you're listing a bunch of things
=someone calls someone else's name in dialogue. Put them on both sides of the name as applicable.
=using a phrase to describe a noun. "appositive"
=other things. What have you learned in English?

DETAIL
Can we see what you're saying?

A decent description of the forest. It's dark, there are thorns. It's as a kid would view it. The Pokemon battle is all right, but could also use some more effort. It's one of those in between things.

The overall world is only blurrily defined, though. There's a forest and a Pokemon Center. And nothing else. Is this a town? A city?

I can only assume that the protagonist is male. The information isn't given, with the only hint being that the brothers' stories are about little boys. Also, are there one or several brothers? Your description seems to go both ways.

PLAUSIBILITY
Does it make sense?

I realized as I looked at it more that it was not a monster, but a Pinsir.

This sentence is problematic. If the kid knows about Pokemon, why would he be afraid of monsters? Or a Weedle? It would only work if the character believes everything his brothers say. Which, come to think about it, isn't very far-fetched.

LENGTH
Is it long enough?

Single capture.
Weedle (SIMPLE 5,000-10,000)
You: 9,269
Yep. 's all good.

OVERALL
What did I think, personally?

Many of this story's faults are covered up or explained away by the fact that the narrator is ten years old. Smooth! That said, it still isn't very creative.

FINAL
To catch, or not to catch?

Spoiler:

Weedle captured! I'm honestly not sure how much of the style is you writing like a ten-year-old would think and how much is you... writing like a ten-year-old, but it does its job.

[Taras Bulba]

Since I voted for stories in this SWC round, I graded them too.
So I graded this one. The grade itself will be restored after the contest.