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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 10-10-2010, 10:19 AM
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Post An ecofriendly story

It was a brilliant day. Fall had just come to Lavender town and the trees had already abandoned their last leaves. As a result, all the streets had been painted with an orange and red, soothing color. It was such a pleasure seeing that nature was still alive. Especially with that resentful generating station established next to the town. “The Kanto region has to get energy from somewhere.” That was the excuse used for the construction of the power plant. But none of Lavender’s citizens wanted it, as it was polluting the area. From the first day it began operating, several poisoned pokemon had been discovered. Some Pidgey could no longer fly, because their wings were becoming weak. Many Magikarp had lost their vitality, floating in the nearby river instead of pointlessly splashing around, as they would usually do. On the other hand, the city’s atmosphere had become heavy. In fact, according to some surveys, lung diseases had apparently increased lately, and the main factor blamed for this were the fumes from the plant. As a result, seeing the trees still being alive was at least relieving. It gave hope, that there is still a chance getting rid of the station.

So did Eric think, a sixteen year old boy who lived in Lavender. He always loved nature, spending time outside, taking care of plants and pokemon. He really couldn’t understand how someone would be so careless about the environment. At some times, he was actually thinking that the presence of humans was a disgrace for the planet. Despite his age, he had realised that the only way for survival was if humans respected, not only each other, but nature as well. But neither of these two was visible. And the power plant was just another proof. A more solid one though, and he knew that it had to be closed down.

“Haven’t they ever heard of alternative energy sources…” he murmured while walking down the road as he was returning home from school.

Nevertheless, his bad temper was not the result of this ironic scenery only. On the contrary, that morning, he had had an unexpected and unpleasant surprise. He was home solving a very serious problem: what clothes should he put on. He wanted something that would match his straight brown hair and deeply brown eyes. Most of the clothes he had so far were fine, but didn’t look very well due to his light and clear complexion. He needed something darker, to make better contrast. He put on a pair of dark blue jeans, and then a simple dark green T-shirt, and combined them with his brown shoes that had two white stripes going from the right side to the other. He didn’t really like the combination, but if he were to deal with that issue even more, there were dozens of other εμφανισιακα issues that also needed to be dealt with. But which one would he start with? His hair, that was slowly reaching his eyebrows and thus was too long? His body, that wasn’t muscular enough to be attractive? His nose, that looked too pointy and funny? Besides, at that moment, he had no time, because the school bus was about to pass. So, he swallowed all his complaints about himself and rushed out of his house. However, as soon as he got out, he saw the bus leaving, turning right on the next cross street, as it always did. He run after it, but his bag was too heavy and, therefore, he didn’t make it. His parents, on the other hand, had to go to work and couldn’t take him to school by car. So, he ended up walking to school and, as he expected, he arrived late. He thus got himself a meeting with the principal. It’s not like he skipped school. He was often getting ill, so often, that the people from school didn’t believe him. He blamed it on the fumes, because he had always been healthy before the construction of the power plant.

Anyways, for one reason or another, he was in the blues. That is why he decided to return home on foot. At situations like these, he would call out his Togetic, his only pokemon, who always made him happy, for some unknown reason. However, he would never take it to school. As a result, like every other day, he had left it home and couldn’t summon it.

As he was walking, he suddenly felt something passing right above him. He instantly turned around and saw a Koffing hovering away, going towards the power plant.

“A Koffing!” he exclaimed surprised. “It’s rare! It must have been lured by the fumes of the power plant,” he thought and paused for a while. A quick thought came to his mind and a sneaky smile appeared on his face. He then took off his bag, put it on the pavement, opened it and took out his book of Pokemology class. He quickly skimmed through, it until he found the page with the big “Koffing” title written on it and a picture of the pokemon below it. He started reading the text.

“That’s just what I need!” he thought delighted and closed the book forcefully.

.........................
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  #2  
Old 10-10-2010, 10:20 AM
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Post Re: An ecofriendly story

“Come out, Togetic! I have to talk to you!” Eric said and threw a pokeball high in the air.

The ball opened and released a dazzling white light beam that, hitting the ground, materialized into Togetic.

“Togetic!” the pokemon cried cheerfully.

“So listen up,” Eric said while catching the falling pokeball and putting it in his pocket. “We are now near the power plant. I know you hate that place, so do I, but there is a chance that we might oblige the owner to close it down, or at least reduce the toxic fumes. It seems that a Koffing has a nest there, which means that the place is dangerously polluted, according to my book of Pokemology. In fact, such levels of pollution may be deadly for any other living creatures, and whoever causes them willingly must be penalized. So, all we have to do is get some proofs that the Koffing indeed lives there and show them to the authorities. I brought my camera in order to get photos. However, the place may have many other poisonous pokemon. So, what I want you to do is have a lookout for anything suspicious while I search. Are you with me?”
“Togetic!” the pokemon answered jumping around, excited that they might actually close that horrible power plant down once and for all.

“I was sure you would be…” Eric commented and smiled. “So, let’s move on!” he went on pointing towards the generating station.

At first, the surrounding area seemed normal: the plants were a bit sick-looking, but in general, there was nothing too serious to notice. However, as they were approaching even more, the tall trees were slowly being replaced by smaller ones, and later on by some sickly bushes. Eric was coughing once in a while, affected by the fumes covering the area. He didn’t really expect that this barren place would actually be that bad. Maybe he shouldn’t have sneaked out of the window of his room. Not only would he have to give explanations to his parents, but what if he got hurt too? He was feeling a paralyzing guilt taking control over his body. But now, being so close to the plant, he had no option but to suppress all these thoughts and go on.

However, he was rudely interrupted by a creek he heard from a nearby bush. He turned around ready to take a picture with his camera on his left hand and to order Togetic to attack. But it was just a small pink Nidoran that run away.

“That was a bit frightening,” he confessed to Togetic and sighed. But, before he could start walking again, something hit his left hand, knocking the camera off. The device hit the ground, breaking into many pieces.

“Hey! Who did that?!” he cried and looked around to see who was the ??????. It was the Koffing, who was once again floating away as fast as it could while laughing at Eric.

“Oh no… You want get away with it…” he murmured and turned to Togetic. “Togetic, use Follow Me!” he then ordered.

The happiness pokemon began dancing around in an adorable fashion that Eric just couldn’t resist taking his eyes off. So did Koffing, as it felt an unexplainable pull towards Togetic. Although it wanted to leave, it stopped flying away and started going closer and closer to Eric and his pokemon. When it got close enough, Togetic stopped dancing and both Koffing and Eric instantly snapped out of the effect of the move.

“Togetic, Double Edge now!” Eric instantly requested.

The Togetic charged at the enemy with a head on tackle, sending it straight on to a tree far away. But Togetic had also received damage from the collision, as it had got a little dizzy.

Koffing, on the other hand, was furious now. It quickly regained his levitation and tackled the Togetic before it could get over its confusion. Togetic fell on the ground, but thanks to the hit, it was once again able to focus on the battle. However, before Eric could order another attack, the poison type pokemon let out a cloud of filthy gases, which quickly spread out to the nearby area, reducing visibility to zero. Eric ran away as fast as he could, in order to avoid breathing in the fumes.

“Togetic, get out of there!” he cried loudly.

But Togetic was not coming out.

“Togetic!” Eric yelled again, but no response. Tears were beginning to appear on his eyes, until he suddenly saw the Koffing being brutally thrown out of the cloud and falling to the ground. Right after it came out Togetic, surrounded by a white, dazzling aura.

“Safeguard…” he whispered surprised, but also proud of his pokemon, and a smile appeared on his face. “Great work Togetic!” he cried happily. “Now use swift attack!”

Togetic concentrated. Then five shiny golden stars materialized in front of it and were shot at Koffing, breaking into countless pieces and disappearing as they were all hitting its body. Koffing was squeezing its eyes shut in pain. Eric was expecting that the battle was over. But, to his surprise, Koffing got up again.
“Koffiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!” it cried loudly, piercing Eric’s ears, and began glowing white.

“It’s going to use explosion!” Eric realized horrified. “Togetic, return!” he cried to his pokemon and summoned it back to its pokeball, while turning around to run. But he accidentally tripped, falling down, and everything in his bag just fell out. So did a pokeball. Eric quickly picked it up and stood up.

“This is our only chance…” he thought and threw the sphere at the Koffing.

The ball hit the pokemon and sucked it in, preventing the attack from taking place. It then fell to the ground, wobbling. Eric was watching silently.
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  #3  
Old 10-10-2010, 03:31 PM
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Default Re: An ecofriendly story

Introduction
The introduction to your story paints a picture of the scenery, and allows me and the reader to feel as if we were there, actually seeing the events unfold before our eyes. This is good. Quite frankly you did a nice job here. The opening also helped me get involved in the story, and dragged me into it, and I couldn’t stop reading it. Nice job here. The opening to your story allowed us to get a feel of what was to come within the story, and thus make us feel more involved.


Plot
Kid is walking and a Koffing randomly turns up. The plot was a bit bland if you ask me, as you could of expressed more originality than just a trainer was randomly walking, and a Pokemon just happens to appear in their path. Try and be creative, express yourself, imagine us as the audience of a talent show, and you are the person on trying to convey your talent. Wow us. However, I did like how you ended up turning the random Pokemon appearance into something else, and that redeems the plot from this unoriginal, random appearance into something interesting. Nice job.

Grammar
From what I could see, there were no mistakes in your grammar, and I would like to congratulate you on a fine job. There isn’t really much I can say about this than keep doing a fine job on your grammar, and well done on having no mistakes. However, try and use more exciting grammatical words to convey the story to us. All in all, nice job, and I hope to see more from you soon. My only slight problem is your usage of those question marks within your story, as that didn’t really make sense.
Quote:
looked around to see who was the ?????
doesn’t make sense. What are the question marks for?


Detail
The detailing in your story was brilliant, though at points it was somewhat lacking, however you more than made up for that with the usage of detail in your story. Imagine that the story is your paper, your computer the paint brush, and your mind the paint, and allow it to flow upon the page in a wondrous story. Nice job, keep it up. It was somewhat lacking at times, and you could of expressed more detail in some parts. Try and detail everything, the colours of the buildings, the facial features, anything worth noting is good to be detailed. Detail is what helps the story be expressed to the reader, and allow them to feel like they are a part of something.


Battle
The battle was of a nice length, and the detail put into it was nice. You did a fine job on the story and I must congratulate you on making a battle that was of satisfactory length- in my view- and had a nice array of detail. You painted a picture of the battle for me, and I believe you did so for the reader, so well done on the battle.


Length
The story was of enough length, but barely. Koffing is a 10,000-20,000 Pokemon, and you had 10,377, just scraping through the length. Though it isn’t entirely relied upon to meet the length if the story is good, it is preferred that you aim high and get in the upper quarter of the character range. To improve, use a character count site to count how many characters have been written in your story, and whether you need more. Other than that, your length was enough.


Spoiler:
Outcome
Nice job on the story. Could have been a bit more detail, and the length could be improved a bit, but apart from that the story was good, and I enjoyed reading it. Nice job here. Now, it is the moment of truth. Koffing Captured. Nice job, however, in your next story, aim for the upper half of the character range, express the detail more finely, continue your good work on the grammar, and keep at it with those battles of nice length, and who knows what you could achieve.
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