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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 09-12-2010, 10:44 AM
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Default Trade Gone Wrong

Trade Gone Wrong


Trrrrrrrrring

“Aw man,” I said, as I raised my arm to push the alarm off. “Couldn’t that wait for a minute or two more?”

I tried to continue thinking about that wonderful dream I’d been having, I was just going to be handed the Champion’s Cup. I tried to finish the dream now, but somehow I just couldn’t get the right setting back in my mind.

“Crap,” I said, as I got up from the bed, which was in a real mess, and staggered into the bathroom.

Two brown sparkling eyes stared at me from behind the mirror, and my jet-black hair was in a really bad state. I splashed water onto my face, and then went in to have a bath and clean up.

Twenty minutes later when I looked into the mirror again, the hair was still as bad as ever. I tried pushing them down, but it just wouldn’t budge, so I gave it up as a bad job.

I quickly dressed up in a light blue shirt and blue denim jeans, and after spending another ten minutes to make up my bed, grabbed my yellow rucksack, and stepped out of the room.

“Good morning, Jason,” was the first thing Nurse Joy said to me as I came out. “Had a good sleep?”

“Good morning, Nurse Joy. And yeah,” I said, “Well, sort of.”

She handed me four Pokeballs, containing my Pokemon with a smile. “You’ve got some really good Pokemon there.”

“Thanks, Nurse Joy, and thanks for letting me stay here as well,” I said, as I pocketed the balls.

I went over to the Snack Bar and grabbed a sandwich and lemonade, and headed towards the doors. I glanced at the Pokemon Centre Notice Board, where there were thousands of small things about lost and found and for sale items. Among these, there was a small pin-up that caught my attention.

Looking for a good Water type. Offering a Shroomish in exchange. Contact Mark.

Below this was a small passport size photograph pinned to the notice, showing a large brown haired boy, smiling cheekily.

“Well,” I said to myself, “A Shroomish wouldn’t be too bad really. Cerulean’s not that far anyway, and I’d need a Grass type for the gym.”

I retraced my steps and headed back to the counter.

“Hey, Nurse Joy, could you tell me where I could find this Mark guy?” I asked.

“Well, he’s usually just hanging around the woods outside the city,” she said. “I wouldn’t get too mixed up with him if I were you, though,” she added mysteriously.

“Hm, well, thanks I guess,” I said, and then started going outside. The automatic doors slid open noiselessly as I stepped and breathed in the fresh morning air.

I pondered over what Nurse Joy had told me as I walked towards the woods on the outskirts of the city.

Really, I thought to myself, how trading a Pokemon with that guy could be harmful. Sure, he might be a bad lot, but there was no problem in doing a trade with him.

I quickly reached the entrance of the woods. The initial part was not really a wood; it had just had a few trees, and more of tall grass. It was farther on that the trees became more numerous and the vegetation became taller and thicker.

I just had to walk for a minute or two and I spotted the face I had seen in the photograph. The large round face, with a mop of brown hair and now that I saw it an even larger body.

In front of him stood another boy, who was in sharp contrast to Mark. He was small and thin, and while Mark’s eyes glowed with delight, it looked like the other boy wanted to get out of here desperately.

In between the two were two small Pokemon, engaged in a battle. Mark’s Shroomish was clearly the winner, as the other guy’s Meowth was wrapped in thin green wines, which sucked its health slowly – a move I clearly recognized as Leech Seed.

“Come on, Shroomish, time to finish this off with a Bullet Seed,” Mark boomed. Shroomish hesitated, I didn’t know why, but when Mark roared again, it finally opened the small hole on its head, and let out a barrage of small green seeds shot out from its head, and struck the poor Meowth straight in the middle. It gave a groan, and finally fainted.

“No, Meowth!” the poor kid howled in a small, weak voice, and rushed to his Meowth. “You’re mean,” he added, looking at Mark, like he wanted to bash him in the head.

Mark simply laughed, and finally noticed me for the first time.

“Hey, spying, are you?” he demanded in his booming voice.

“Er, no,” I began, shooting a glance towards the other boy as he rushed towards the city with Meowth in his hands. “I saw your notice in the Pokemon Centre about your wanting a water type…”

“You got one,” he asked. “What’s your name?” he demanded, narrowing his eyes suspiciously

“My name’s Jason,” I said. “And yeah, I’ve got a Squirtle if you’re interested.”

“Hm, a Squirtle,” he said, probably considering the offer. “Show it to me, or say what, let’s do a battle, then I’ll get to see how strong your Squirtle is.”

“Well, I’m in a hurry actually, need to catch the next bus out of town, which is just about half an hour later,” I said. “And my Squirtle is quite good,” I finished, with a slight coldness in my voice.

Mark didn’t say anything for a while, so I thought he was thinking about the offer. He finally shrugged and said, “Well, I guess.”

“Alright then,” I said, finally breaking into a smile. “By the way, why are you trading your Shroomish, it looks pretty good to me,” I said.

“None of your business, is it?” he shot back.

I said nothing to say to that, so instead I said, “So, if you don’t mind, shall we go the Pokemon Centre to get the trade done?”

Mark finally smiled for the first time. “No need for that,” he said. “I’ve developed a software, which will let us trade here and now.” He went behind a small rock nearby and brought a small notebook sized laptop from his bag, and also another kind of device, which had two small sockets in it.

He sat down on the ground, and started plugging wires and other things, connecting the laptop with the small device, and after a few minutes of work he said, “Alright, everything’s set up,” he said, “Come on, now place your Pokeball here,” he said pointing to one of the sockets, as he placed his own ball in the other.

“Well, I’d rather do it at the Pokemon Centre…” I began, but he interrupted me. “Hehe, afraid I’ll steal your Pokemon, kiddo? Come on, this is completely fair and all,” he said. “And anyway, getting late aren’t you?”

I agreed, though with slight reluctance. I pulled out Squirtle’s ball from out of my pocket, placed it near my mouth and whispered Goodbye. I saw Mark roll his eyes, but I didn’t care.

I placed the ball where he told me to, and as soon as I withdrew my hand, Mark pushed a button on the keyboard. The balls glowed bright red for a second, and then became as they were a second ago.

“There you go,” Mark said. “It’s over and done with,” he said, picking up the ball, and dropping it in his pocket. I picked up mine as well, slightly suspicious, as Mark began clearing up his laptop.

I tossed the ball, and out came Shroomish with a flash of bright red.

So, it was alright, I thought to myself.

“Hey, Shroomish, buddy,” I said. “How’re you doing?”

As soon as the Shroomish saw me, it darted into the woods quickly. I tried to recall in its ball, but by that time, it was already out of the ball’s reach. I turned to face Mark, and he had already packed up his stuff and was ready to go.

“Hey, what was that?” I shouted.

Mark was grinning. “Well, you probably know by now why I wanted to trade that Shroomish,” he said. “That thing has got no manners at all; it keeps running away from time to time.”

“Couldn’t you tell me that before?” I said, fuming with rage.

“Well, you never asked,” he said, grinning cheekily. “Enjoy your new Pokemon, kiddo,” he said.

“Come back, you cheat!” I wanted to go and smash his head, but I also wanted to go and get that Shroomish, and didn’t want to wait too long, in case Shroomish got too far away. In the end, I decided to follow Shroomish, I couldn’t do anything to Mark anyway, the Squirtle was now rightfully his.

I rushed after Shroomish, and had to go deeper into the woods.

“Wow, it’s really dark here,” I murmured. I was regretting talking to this Mark in the first place.

I searched around for about ten minutes, but I saw nothing.

“Damn, I’m never going to find it like this,” I said. I pushed my hand inside my pocket and brought another one of those Pokeballs, and tossed it in the air. Another bright flash of red light, and a large fluttering bat appeared, floating in mid air.

“Golbat, we’re searching for a Shroomish,” I said. “Try and locate it from the sky, and you can even use those Supersonic waves of yours.”

Golbat understood, and flew upward, and opened his mouth wide, sending out what I knew to be Supersonic waves. I could neither hear nor see them, but Golbat could sense them as they came back reflected, and find out what things were where. It had proved to be handy several times and I hoped it did this time round as well.

I kept walking on, keeping an eye out for Shroomish. It was some five minutes later that Golbat reappeared, excited and pleased with itself, which obviously meant it had found out where Shroomish was.

“Lead the way, Golbat,” I said. Golbat started moving quickly again, but remained low enough so that I could follow it.

We soon came to a small clearing in the woods, surrounded by trees on all sides. I could clearly see Shroomish at the far end of the clearing, apparently asleep. As I entered, I accidently stepped on a fallen twig, breaking it noisily.

Shroomish woke up quite suddenly, and was about to leave again.

“Golbat, before it escaped, quickly use Mean Look,” I said,

Golbat fluttered its wings noisily to grab Shroomish’s attention, and as Shroomish looked at Golbat, there was suddenly a strange purple glow in the bat’s eyes, which appeared a second later in Shroomish’s eyes as well, preventing it from fleeing.

“I’ve had enough of chasing you,” I said. “Time for some proper battle. Come on Golbat, use Air Slash.”

Golbat quickly flapped his wings hard, and within a few seconds, swift air currents started flowing from Golbat’s wings towards the place where Shroomish stood. It had something to do with the pressure difference, but I didn’t know exactly. Shroomish quickly darted behind a large tree, the swift currents grazing him, but not hitting it directly. However, it must still have hurt.

Before I knew, Shroomish was on top of the tree, so that it could be on level with Golbat and threw out a small single green coloured shriveled seed from the small opening on its head.

“Golbat, dodge that quickly,” I said. Golbat flew upwards, but the seed hit its left wing, and sent out small green wines, wrapping themselves tightly round Golbat’s wing.

“Damn,” I said, remembering how much the Leech Seed had hurt Meowth. Golbat was clearly in pain, as part of his left wing became useless, and he struggled with his right wing to stay airborne.

“Golbat, don’t move much, it’ll only hurt you more,” I said. “Remain where you are and use Sludge Bomb.”

Golbat opened its mouth wide, and after a few seconds small blobs of murky sludge started coming out of its mouth, directed towards Shroomish.

Shroomish began preparing for his own attack; however it was just a bit late. The first Bomb hit Shroomish straight in the face. It was able to counter the rest of them with the large green seeds it threw out, but the damage had been done – Shroomish had lost a large chunk of its health.

It started to retaliate – the top of its head started sparkling and some sort of powder started coming out of it.

“Oh no, that’s Spore,” I said. “Golbat, steer clear of that immediately, and use Haze so that Shroomish can’t see you.”

Struggling hard, Golbat managed to rise up a bit, and then its mouth wide open, let out thick black smoke, which clouded everything, making vision impossible.

I put a handkerchief on my mouth to avoid the Haze, and then shouted into the air, “Quickly Golbat, use Screech and then Poison Fang.”

I pulled out a pair of ear plugs and popped them into my ears, but even without them, I could clearly hear the shrill sound Golbat made.

Even though Golbat couldn’t see a thing, the reflected sound waves helped it to find out where Shroomish was.

As the Haze cleared away a bit, I had a glimpse of Golbat pouncing unexpectedly on Shroomish and digging its razor sharp fangs into the small creature. There was a sharp wince of pain as Shroomish tumbled down onto the ground, still conscious, but barely. The Poison Fang must have hurt a lot.

“Now’s my chance,” I said, pulling out Shroomish’s Pokeball, and throwing it at it. Shroomish was sucked inside with a flash of red, and the ball fell onto the ground, wriggling.

As I watched the ball anxiously, Golbat came towards me, flapping its left wing feebly. Though the vines had come off, it must still be hurting.

As I watched the ball, I glanced at my watch, and realized that I had missed my bus as well.

“Damn,” I said. “If this capture isn’t successful, I’ll be really mad,” I said, looking at the ball, which was still wriggling on the ground.
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  #2  
Old 09-12-2010, 10:48 AM
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Default Re: Trade Gone Wrong

Ready for Grading

Pokemon: Shroomish
Characters: 12,879

Been ages since I've written a story, and I've done this in about four hours so I could meet the deadline for the Competition, so this might not be good. Bear with me D:
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  #3  
Old 10-10-2010, 01:42 PM
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Default Re: Trade Gone Wrong

Introduction
Your opening to the story was nice and original, and a nice picture of imagination. The detailing you used in the opening was nice, and helped show off your creativity, and helped paint a picture for the reader as to what was going on. However, the opening could of used just that bit more detailing, but other than that the opening was quite something. I must say congratulations on such a fine opening to your story, and I hope to see more from you in the future. If you wish to improve on your opening, try and expand your detailing, make it absolutely exquisite, details are everything.

Plot
Kid gets tricked into trading a perfectly obedient Squirtle for a rather mischievous Shroomish. The plot is quite original, but then you made the plot fall when you took it into the woods to regain the Shroomish. Trainers goes to woods to capture Pokemon is overused, however, the way you did it does place yourself out from the crowd, and I have to say the plot was original, even if it included the overused trainer,woods,Pokemon trio. For future plots, try and think up original ways on how to make your story stand out from the crowd.

Grammar
Your grammar was overly good, however there were a few mistakes.
Quote:
“Golbat, before it escaped, quickly use Mean Look,”
escaped should be escapes.
Quote:
I pulled out a pair of ear plugs and popped them into my ears, but even without them
I think that should be with instead out without, and maybe in after.
Other than that, your grammar was nicely written, and was a fine piece of reading. The usage of grammar was quite something, and helped express the story to the reader. However, try and bring the story to life through the grammar, using exquisite words to detail the story is amazing. Other than that, the grammar was lovely, and a fine piece of writing if I say so.


Detail
Your detailing was quite something really. You helped paint a picture for the reader, allowing the reader to feel as if they were there, however, I can’t help feeling you could of gone just that bit further with the detail. Allow yourself to shine, and who knows what can be done? Your detail was good, but it could have had more done with it. Try and imagine the reader’s as art enthusiasts, and you a famous painter about to unveil a masterpiece. Turn this into detailing, explain all the surroundings, everything. Detail is very useful in how you get what you see your story as, into the minds of the readers. You may imagine towering trees, whilst others might imagine just a small cluttering of trees. Other than that, nice job.


Battle
The detailing in the battle was lovely, and the battle was a nice read. However, it could have been just a tad longer, but other than that the battle was quite fine. The description you put through into the battle helped convey the scene to the reader, and helped to allow them to envision it happening in front of them. Battles are very interesting junctures in the story, as not only do they allow you to express your writing skills to the reader, but it helps you show detail. The battle was quite frankly brilliant in how it was done, apart from the slight nag of it could have been a bit longer.


Length
More than enough, however, next time, try and aim just that little bit higher, push yourself to your limits. Try and aim for the upper half of the character count, rather than the lower half. Apart from that, everything was completely and utterly fine to do with length.


Spoiler:
Outcome
The story was nice to read, and was quite frankly a nice relaxing read from a rather unfortunate evening last night on my part. The detailing was nice, but could have had more done to it, the battle was superb, though could have been a bit longer, and your grammar was extremely good, only two mistakes that I saw. Now would, Shroomish Captured be what you are looking for?
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