Introduction: From the first paragraph, we learn where Pan is, why he is there and what he is wearing. The first two are basics and you managed to mention them very well in the text, with two simple phrases. The third one, on the other hand, although it is important too, it lacks something essential: the description of Pam himself. How am I supposed to know how he looks, if I have only been told what he looks like. Is he tall, short, fat, slim? Whatcolour are his skin, hair eyes, lips? What shape does his nose, ears, chin have? Are his arms, legs very long? You don’t have to be too descriptive, but you should at least answer the first two questions. And then, what’s his character like. I am not asking you to tell me what he thinks about his meeting with the professor, which is also important (excited, nervous, afraid, sad, wants to throw a punch at the prof and steal his pokemon, happy because he will get his first pokemon, tired because he had to wake up early) but to describe, or at least mention, some basic traits of his personality. For example, you could say that he always believed in cooperation and thus getting a pokemon to live an adventure with is a dream coming true. You see how I linked the reaction/feeling of the hero to his personality, which is also good, because it proves that that’s his character indeed and makes the reaction/feeling appear logical.
Plot: Your plot was simple and generally fine for a Pochyena. Nevertheless, there are some slight issues. For instance, you used people from the series. Not bad at all, because if you involve them properly in the story, it is a plus for it. However, many people consider a thief or whatever, and a limitation of your imagination. The truth is that a completely original story has more chances of being interesting. In addition, such stories have a higher risk of becoming cliché, and yours was no exception. A group of villains attacks and the trainer tries to stop them. I am not saying that your story was cliché of course, as it did contain many original points, but it was on the verge of becoming. And being on the verge of is something you do not want to happen. Just be as much original as you can.
Now, for some more specific observations. Pan walks in says hello to the professor, gets his pokeball and instantly leaves. Just imagine. Would this actually happen in real life? If I were the professor, I would have given the kid a kick and taken the pokemon back. From what I understood, Pan doesn’t live in littleroot and it’s the first time he meets the professor (because he says that professor Oak told him to find Birch). And all he has to say is “Fine thanks, professor.” How about a “How do you do?” or actually introducing himself to the prof. So should the professor do too. Even if we forget about the introducing part, Birch just gives Pan the ball and lets him run along? Shouldn’t he give him some tips, or tell him that having a pokemon is a big responsibility and blah blah blah? All he has to say is that Nincada is not rare? You need to make your story seem realistic, because, otherwise, it won’t please neither the reader, nor the grader, and we don’t want that, do we?
In addition, two thirds of the story are the battle. It is a good battle, yes, but this doesn’t mean it should be the only thing happening. It didn’t bother me while I was reading the story, but, after finishing, when I thought “Hmm… What did I just read?” I realised there was a problem. Your story has to be short, because you are going for a simple pokemon, and I may neglect it. But as stories get bigger, this turns into a weakness, as it shows that the plot is empty, so keep it in mind.
Then again, when the battle is over, all Birch and Pan to say is congratulations, thanks for your help, oh no you should thank yourself, ok bye. It’s like at the start. You have to be realistic. Birch has just been hit and punched by the grunts, and now he is ok? And even if he is, isn’t Pan concerned at all? Poor dialogues suggest that you haven’t thought enough about the story, even if you have. So always improve them as much as you can.
Finally, Pan forget all the possible risks and dangers, and decides to help Birch just like that. It is too quick. You could say that he was watching them without being seen and that he accidentally hits on something. The Grunt then hears the noise and threatens him to reveal himself or the professor will get hurt. Thus, Pan is forced to have a battle. It’s a more logical approach this way.
Grammar/spelling/general use of words:
• The sun was shining intensely, and as a result Pan decided to wear a white hat.
Try to separate phrase and words like thus, as a result, however etc, with commas. “…and, as a result, Pan…”
• It’s also good separating phrases that contain, because, as, although, despite…
“As he exits he bumps…”
You need a comma after exits.
• “He lands a punch in the Professor’s stomach, and he falls to the floor in pain.”
If I quick-read this phrase, I understand that the grunt fell. You need to be careful with subjects. Unless you declare that the subject changes by naming it (Prof. Birch fell…). Otherwise, it is better keeping the same subject. In our case, you can use a who and the problem is solved (… stomach, who falls…)
• “Pan understood what the Professor was trying to advize.” It’s advice. Be aware of silly spelling mistakes.
• “Nincada has successfully evolved into Ninjask, the Ninja Pokemon and Shedinja, the Shed Pokemon!” Since you separate the ninja pokemon from the sentence it belongs too, which is correct and necessary, as it describes the word Ninjask, you need to separate from the sentence following, and put a comma before and.
• Avoid repeating words because it’s bad for your stories image. If you are obliged to refer to the same person/object twice, try to come up with other ways of calling it. For example, pokeball/ball/sphere, Ninjask/ninja pokemon/bug pokemon, Birch/the professor/he and so on.
• “The Team Magma Grunt screams in frustration, and withdraws Poochyena in it’s Pokeball in a flash of red light.”
We usually use scream to refer to piercing cries, so, unless the Grunt cries like a little girl, it would be better to use cry instead of scream.
In addition, it’s a relatively major mistake getting it’s and its confused. I don’t know if it’s a typo, but I have to point it out. It’s is actually it is, while its is used to show possession, like my, your, his, her etc. E.g.: “My kitten is playing with its toys.”
• “ Nincada is a Bug-Type Pokemon, and is quite common around these parts. Are you sure you don’t want a rarer one, like Torchick or Mudkip?” the Professor asks. Pan chuckles…
You have to change paragraph after asks because the person you are referring to changes.
• The man was accompanied by a group of similarly-dressed people who enter the lab and gather round the Professor. “This can’t be good. I better help out.”
Again, we are talking about somebody else, so you have to change paragraph. However, if the man was the one talking, you wouldn’t have to.
• “This can’t be good. I better help out.” Pan thinks…
Whenever a dialogue ends with a full stop and there is a speech verb after it, the full stop must be replaced by a comma. But this happens only, I repeat ONLY, to full stops. Not to ?, not to !, not to … etc. In addition, the first letter of that phrase is a small. However, if the verb following isn’t a speech verb (which means if it is, instead of say, cry, yell, whisper, warn, menace, tell and such, a verb like laugh, giggle, chuckle, sob, roll eyes etc) the fullstop remains as it is and the following phrase starts with a capital, as it should.
• He tosses his Pokeball in the air and says “Ninja, go!” With that, the Pokeball opens up…
Paragraph change after go.
• But all he cared about was his Nincada. “Ninja, wake up!” He said as he tugged his Pokemon.
You were correct not changing paragraph after Nincada. But the he after wake up has to have a small h.
Dialogues: The problem with your dialogues was that they were unrealistic. And I have some more examples, apart from those in the plot part.
“With you and the Professor out of the way, we can take the Lab Pokemon and the Professor’s notes and use them to help us awaken the legendary Groudon!”
Boy isn’t that a stupid Grunt. He just revealed his whole plan to two strangers. But I guess the out of the way means that he is going to kill them. Still, it’s maybe a little cliché again. Acceptable, but maybe a little cliché, and generally people don’t like cliché things.
“Yes, but it was your strategy that defeated the Team Magma Grunt and his Poochyena.”
I am not really sure whether Pan used any strategies at all. As far as I understood, he was just using random moves, while the final X scissor attack was purely Birch’s idea. So, this dialogue is totally irrelevant with the story. The professor could say instead that it was Pan courage that saved them, because he had the guts to stand up against Team Magma and battle them, something that not everyone would do.
Battle: Your battle was ok. There were plenty of moves used and you did give a short description of them all. Nevertheless, you could be a little more descriptive. I will give you an example. I have rarely seen the move Assurance being used, and I really don’t understand how it looks like when used. Your description should allow me to understand that. But, unfortunately, it didn’t.
“Poochyena, use Assurance!” The Team Magma Grunt commands his Pokemon, and it struck the Nincada with an incredibly powerful blow.
From what you say, I imagine a move just like tackle. The user charges at the victim and hits it. That’s all. Even if this is what the move actually looks like, I do not feel that I have correctly understood. You need to add more details so I feel sure about what I am reading. Do not expect the reader to instantly recognize the move and thus understand what happens next.
Details: I noticed a small sneaky detail error. But I am telling you, it is sneaky.
“…the birds were singing and there wasn’t a single cloud in the sky.”
What birds? There are no animals in the pokemon world. Just pokemon. So, be more creative. The Chatot were singing, or the Swablu, since the story unfolds in Hoen. Or, the Pikachu were playing hide and seek. The Slakoth were loafing about etc. It’s just an observation. In general though, the details in your story were enough and satisfying.
Length: No problem.