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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 08-29-2010, 08:31 AM
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Post Hatsy, the forgotten hero part II: The well of the wishes (ready!)

Hatsy, the forgotten hero

The well of the wishes

Summary of part I:
Hatsy is an ordinary girl, living with her mother in Eterna city. One day she decides to go with her best friend, Jordan, and catch their first pokemon. So, they find a Porygon, but Hatsy fails to catch it. Then, the following night, she sees a strange nightmare, which turns out to be an omen of the next day. More specifically, Hatsy and Jordan go to the Eterna forest in order to find pokemon and, by accident, they arrive at the Old Chateau. After entering and splitting up, Hatsy falls into an aggressive Duskull. Fortunately, Porygon appears on time and battles Duskull in order to protect Hatsy. But both pokemon faint and Hatsy tries to catch them. Will her attempt be successful? Was that nightmare just a coincidence? Is Hatsy, after all, an ordinary girl?


The two balls kept moving. The one containing the Duskull stopped.
“I finally got my first pokemon!” Hatsy cried happily with an enormous smile.
But her cheerfulness soon ended, for the other pokeball opened, releasing a dazzling light, and the Porygon, who broke free, had fallen to a comma due to the battle.
“Oh no! What am I going to do now?” she said in confusion. “This Porygon has to be taken to a pokemon centre!”
Having said that, she put the pokeball with the Duskull into her bag and left the room running.
“Jordan? Where are you? It’s an emergency!” she yelled.
Jordan didn’t answer. Suddenly, she heard an explosion. She ran looking for the source. As she entered the second room from the left, she saw Jordan delighted, holding a pokeball.
“Hatsy!” he said excited when he saw her. “You won’t believe what just happened!”
“I have no time for your nonsense. Zip it and follow!”
“Hey! Some better manners wouldn’t hurt you know…”
“You are right. I am sorry. Now hurry,” she answered quickly and turned around.
“What’s the problem?” Jordan asked while they were going back to the Porygon.
“While I was looking around, a Duskull came out of nowhere and attacked me. The Porygon then appeared and battled the Duskull to protect me. At the end, they both fainted and I tried to catch them. I managed to catch the Duskull, but the Porygon broke out of the pokeball and it needs help,” explained Hatsy.
“Wow! This Porygon is in the worst condition possible,” noticed Jordan, opening his eyes widely, as soon as he saw the Porygon. “What was it doing? Hitting itself on the wall?”
“Well, sort of... But that’s not the point. We must take it to a pokemon centre.”
“No time wasting then! Let’s move it,” he said while lifting his foot, pretending he was running.
Hatsy picked the unconscious pokemon and, holding it in her arms, she left with Jordan from the Old Chateau and the Eterna Forest. In the meantime, the Porygon rose high temperature. Hatsy realised it when they had just gotten out of the Eterna Forest.
“The Porygon is ill,” she said to Jordan. “We have to go faster!”
Hatsy had barely finished her phrase, when, all of a sudden, there was an explosion right in front of them. Mud was thrown all over the place and dust rose. Out of the dust appeared a man and a woman. They were both dressed in a strange way. They were wearing tight suits, like people from the future usually wear in movies, black on the legs and arms, and grey on the main body, with a green G on the chest. Their faces were also identical. Thin leaps, small straight noses, bright clear skin. Their eyes, with extreme clarity, were green, while their hair (probably dyed) was a little lighter than fresh grass.
“Stop right where you are little brats!” ordered the man.
“Give us your pokemon,” demanded then the woman, pointing at the Porygon.
“What? Who are you people?” asked Hatsy while getting some mud off her hair.
“We are Team Galactic. Our goal is to conquer, change and improve the universe by any means! Anyone who stands in our way will be crushed,” explained the man, emphasizing on the word crushed by hitting his left palm with his right fist.
“I am sorry. This will never happen,” said Jordan. “Try someone else. We won’t give our pokemon to anyone, especially to a freak show.”
“How dare you! Do not defy us, you fool,” said the woman angry. “Prepare to be punished!”
By that, she took a pokeball out of her pocket and threw it in the air. The ball opened and a Beautifly came out.
“Beautifly attack!” she ordered the pokemon, pointing at the two kids.
The Beautifly developed speed and aimed at Hatsy. Seeing it approaching, Hatsy screamed and tried to protect the fainted Porygon.
“Rotom, use Thundershock!” she heard Jordan saying.
There was a sudden flash of light next to Jordan and, the next moment, the Beautifly was crying in pain and shacking like crazy. Then, it fell on the ground. Hatsy instantly realised an electric move had just taken place. She turned at Jordan, to see a Rotom hovering in midair right next to him.
“What in the name of God is this?” she asked surprised.
“You wouldn’t let me finish back at the Old Chateau... While you were battling the Duskull, I found this Rotom. It came out of a TV! It started throwing sparks at me, but I managed to avoid them all. So, it got angry and started absorbing electricity from the tely, probably to attack me. But it overloaded, along with the TV that exploded, and got dizzy. That’s when I got a chance to catch it, so…”
“Shut up you brat!” the woman interrupted him with a loud voice.
“We will not lose to two inferior kids,” said the man while slightly moving his hand to emphasize on the word inferiority.
He picked a pokeball from his pocket and threw it away, just like the woman did before. Out of the pokeball came a Dustox.
“Dustox, attack! Use Poison Sting!” said the man.
The Dustox opened its mouth, and little spikes were shot out, heading towards the Rotom.
“Defend yourself with Thundershock,” said Jordan.
The Rotom, releasing electricity, zapped the poisonous spikes, making them pop and sparkle. The sparks created blinded the moth pokemon.
“Use Thundershock again!” commanded Jordan, with more determination this time.
The Rotom hit the Dustox with millions of electrons. As they passed through its nervous system, the Dustox lost control of its body and fell on the ground.
“You paralysed it, Rotom! Now use Ominous Wind!”
The Rotom concentrated.
“Right into my trap,” said the man and smirked. “Dustox, use Tackle and Poison Sting!”
The Dustox charged at the Rotom, while spitting the same spikes again. Poison sting was very effective. All the spikes were breaking as they touched the Rotom’s “skin”, causing it pain. Tackle on the other hand was a disaster for the two members of Team Galactic. Rotom is a ghost type. As a result, the Dustox passed right through it. But there was more. Rotom is an electric type pokemon as well. Thus, passing right through simple electricity couldn’t have left the Dustox unaffected. Instead, it got paralysed.
“Who fell into whose trap?” Jordan told the man smiling. “You think I didn’t know Dust Shield would protect your Dustox from paralysis? But now, Dust Shield won’t work! I didn’t cause you any damage so that it would be activated.”
“What?” said the man with his mouth wide open, almost as if he had remained speechless.
“How didn’t we think of that?” said angry and surprised the woman to the man.
“Way to go Jordan!” cheered Hatsy, jumping around slightly. “Finish them off now!”
“Alright Rotom. Use Confusion!”
The Rotom’s eyes turned light blue, as well as the Dustox’s. And with just a mere thought, it launched the bug pokemon on the man.
“Useless pokemon…” complained the man and threw the Dustox next to the Beautifly.
“These two pokemon did their best! You can’t reject them just like that,” said Hatsy. “What kind of trainers are you anyways?”
“Who said they’re ours?” answered the woman with a discreet, yet evil smile on her face. “They belong to two trainers we found in Eterna Pokemon Center. We stole them, just like our boss told us.”
“You won’t get away with this,” said Jordan, shaking his head left and right.
“Watch us,” said the man and his eyes gleamed.
He suddenly stretched his hand out and shot a sticky web-like substance, which fell on the Porygon and pulled it away from Hatsy’s arms.
“No!” she cried and run after the Porygon, who was now being held by the man.
But the woman threw a ball on the ground and an explosion of smoke launched Hatsy backwards. When the smoke cleared out, both villains and the Porygon had disappeared.
“Porygon…” said Hatsy weakly and lost her consciousness.

…………………………………..

When Hatsy woke up, she found herself in her bed, surrounded by the anxious faces of Jordan and her mother.
“Hatsy, you are awake!” said her mother delighted and hugged her.
“Thank God you are okay!” said Jordan relieved, rubbing his forehead with his hand. “We were so worried…”
“What happened?” asked Hatsy.
“You fainted when Team Galactic escaped,” answered Jordan.
“I remember that. Then what?”
“Jordan brought you here,” said her mother.
“I also took the Beautifly and the Dustox to the Pokemon Centre,” Jordan added. “Fortunately, I found their trainers”
“That’s a relief,” said Hatsy and sighed.
“You have remained unconscious for three days though, and you have had high temperature,” continued missus Kate.
“Three days!” said Hatsy surprised.
“Yeah,” answered Jordan. “But now you seem to be okay. However, while unconscious, you were sweating and crying.”
And that was nothing strange for Hatsy, for during these three days, she had another horrible dream. She could remember it but vaguely. She was walking in the countryside. It was a glorious day. The Chatot were singing, the Pikachu were playing, the Combee were gathering honey. However, all of a sudden, the ground below her disappeared! Hatsy was falling, and falling, and falling… When she finally landed, unharmed, she was surrounded by white shiny crystals. Then she heard angry voices from behind. She run away and arrived at a golden lake. Hatsy was now trapped! As she looked behind, a sudden flash blinded her and everything turned black! Then she heard a note and a shooting star passed in front of her. After that, she was awake… Hatsy knew that was no random dream, and she could remember clearly one name: Well of the wishes. But what did it mean? What was about to happen?
When Hatsy’s mother left, Hatsy asked Jordan about Team Galactic.
“Who are these guys?”
“I don’t know…” he answered and paused for a moment. “I think, or at least that’s what I heard on TV, they have been causing trouble lately. They have been stealing pokemon. There was an interview with police officer Jenny too. She said that Team Galactic was always attracting their attention, but so far they have just been an annoyance. She thinks that they are up to something big now though.”
“What are we going to do?” asked Hatsy.
“About what?” Jordan asked back.
“About Porygon!” she said angrily. “We have to find it!”
“Well… I guess nothing…” he said while shrugging.
“What do you mean nothing?” Hatsy said loudly.
“I don’t think our parents will let us go find it,” explained Jordan. “Especially after Team Galactic’s attack! You heard your mom.”
“You have a point… So now what?”
“I suppose we will have to wait for a couple of days.”
“But by then, Team Galactic will have left for sure,” said Hatsy peeved and a wrinkle appeared between her eyebrows.
“I know! Do you have anything better to suggest?” replied Jordan with a similarly angry tone.
“No…” said Hatsy and looked downwards.
Seeing she was about to cry, Jordan approached Hatsy and lifted a little her face with his hand.
“Look,” he said soflty. “I know things are complicated, but for now there is nothing we can do. So, it will be better if you rest for a while, instead of tiring yourself trying to find a solution.”
“You are probably right,” she answered.
For a moment, they remained both silent, looking at each other.
“Well,” exclaimed Jordan and blushed a bit. “I have to go now! My parents will be waiting me for diner.” He stood up, trying to act as nothing had happened. “See you tomorrow,” he said and headed for the door.
“Okay,” answered Hatsy while smiling. “Bye,” she said and waved.

………………………………

The next day, oddly enough, Hatsy went to school. During class, everyone was starring at her. At first, she hadn’t noticed. But it was obvious and soon she realised she was the center of attention. At the break, while she was chatting with Jordan, a gang of boys approached.
“Well well well… Look who is here?” said their leader.
“What do you want?” asked Jordan annoyed.
“Oh nothing…” the boy answered and pretended he was looking somewhere else, as if he was innocent. “Just wondering how you two are doing…”
“We are fine! Thank you for your concern. And now that you have been informed, you may as well depart,” said Jordan quickly and looked at him in an angry manner.
“Why? Will little Hatsy be offended?” asked ironically another boy of the gang.
“Stop it,” said Jordan a bit loudly.
“Heeeeelp… I am faaaainting…” said the leader while turning his voice a little higher to sound like Hatsy. “Grab me, I am falling…” he continued, acting as if he was losing his balance. He then put his wrist on his forehead and collapsed on a gang member while having his tongue out. The whole gang started laughing.
Hatsy lowered her head.
The boy stood up again. “What’s the matter Hatsy?” he went on. “Are you cwying? Sniff sniff…”
Hatsy run away silently, with her hands covering her face.
“Well done…” said Jordan to the gang and went after Hatsy.
He found her crying in the classroom.
“Come on Hasty. Don’t cry… They are just jealous. They would kill for a pokemon of their own.”
“I don’t care about them. But since that dream, everything has gone out of hand! What is happening?”
“What dream?” asked Jordan.
“The day I had high temperature, the first time,” she started saying sobbing. “I saw a strange dream. It felt so real, and it seemed to be a prediction of the future, of the battle with Duskull!”
“Come on, it was just a dream.”
“No, it wasn’t!” she broke into tears. “That dream told me to go to the Eterna Forest! And now, I saw another dream…”
“Maybe they are predictions, but you have to relax. We will sort it out,” he said and approached Hatsy a little.
Hatsy looked at Jordan and smiled. Their faces approached even more. Jordan raised his hand and, softly, he touched Hatsy’s hair. They both closed their eyes. Hatsy’s lips slowly approached Jordan’s. And then, the bell rang. Jordan suddenly pulled himself back.
“So, um… Are you okay now?”
“Yeah. I will be fine,” she answered and giggled.

…………………….…….

After school, Jordan and Hatsy were returning home on foot, as usual, when all of a sudden, they heard a relatively low voice crying for help. They both ran towards that voice, to find an old man lying exhausted on the pavement. He was wearing simple clothes that would usually suit an old person: simple brown leather shoes, grey pants with a similarly colored belt, a grey shirt, and a brown tuxedo. He had white hair, and many wrinkles. His eyes, grey as well, reflected sorrow, panic, frustration and anxiety, all at the same time.
“Are you alright sir?” asked Hatsy, while helping him stand up.
“I am fine, thank you,” he answered back. “But two thieves took my most priceless possession!”
“What was it, mister umm…” asked Jordan but got stuck.
“I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Harry Anderson. I am the underground expert of Eterna.”
“Nice to meet you!” said Hatsy and shook hands the old man. “I am Hatsy and this is Jordan.”
Jordan shook hands with the old man too, but just smiling, without saying anything.
“Nice to meet you too,” answered the man. “Well, it was the most advanced excavating device in the Sinnoh region, and probably in the whole world! It can detect and identify any mineral around it. It is very useful, as it prevents collapses that way and it may discover valuable items, such as gold, silver, gems, even fossils. I was studying the subsoil for the construction of the new underground railway.”
“It was about time they did something about the…” Jordan began saying but stopped because Hatsy pushed him with her elbow.
“Can you describe the two thieves, Mister Anderson?” asked Hasty.
“They had green hair, green eyes, with a brown tone, small traits and strange clothes,” he described shortly.
“These must be the guys who stole Porygon,” noticed Jordan.
“I know,” answered Hasty and turned to the old man again. “Do you know where they were heading for?”
“They said something about wishing, but they were too far away for me to hear the whole sentence... They went that way, but I had no strength to chase them…” he said and pointed at a street leading out of the city, towards Mt Coronet.
“Don’t worry sir! We will get your device back,” said Hatsy, grabbed Jordan and started running down the road the two members of Team Galactic took.
“Don’t go! It’s dangerous! I will call the police instead,” shouted the old man, but Hatsy kept on running, completely ignoring him.
“Hatsy, where are we going?” asked Jordan, hoping he will not get the answer he was sure he was about to get.
“To get back that radar-thing and Porygon of course,” Hatsy replied.
“But they are Team Galactic!” he said emphasizing on the word team, while pulling Hatsy to stop running. But Hatsy was determined to keep on going. “There will be more of them there, and I suppose they will have much stronger pokemon! We won’t stand a chance against them! Besides, we don’t even know where we are exactly going!”
“And what will we do? Leave the Porygon with them?” she said ironically, rolling her eyes.
“It is not safe! We can wait for the police at least,” he suggested.
“Oh come on! It will be ages until they arrive, they won’t let us help, and they won’t give us Porygon. And I think I know where we will find them. In my dream, I saw something about a wishing well. It must be underground, in the valley next to mountain Coronet.”
“To the valley it is then,” said Jordan and sighed.

........................
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 09-23-2010 at 03:36 PM.
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Old 08-29-2010, 08:33 AM
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Post Re: Hatsy, the forgotten hero part II: The well of the wishes (ready!)

“We have been here for at least twenty minutes searching and we haven’t found anything…” complained Jordan
“Keep looking then! There must be an entrance or something around here,” Hatsy replied annoyed by Jordan’s grumpiness.
“But it is getting late! The sun is setting!” he went on complaining. And, indeed, the sun was slightly being swallowed by the buildings of Eterna city. The valley had flooded with orange and red light. The coronet peak was glowing once again. The view was indescribably romantic. A warm colour of passion all over. Yet, it also let out a feeling of death, pain, agony. As orange gave place to red and purple, one could picture fire, blood and destruction in his mind. Hatsy and Jordan, of course, felt only the second aspect of the view.
“This is getting us nowhere… We should leave…” said Jordan and looked towards Eterna.
“I don’t care! I am not leaving until I find Porygon!” she answered back and stomped her foot on the ground.
Suddenly, the ground receded and a hole opened. Both of them started crying and screaming as soon as they realised they were falling. Fortunately, a pile of sacks full of a soft material stopped their fall.
“What do you know? Your foot must have opened the hole… It seems your stubbornness is useful after all…” said Jordan sarcastically and laughed.
“Oh shut up, will you?” said Hatsy angrily but laughed as well. “So, this must be the place. Let’s move on. These stairs have to lead somewhere,” she continued pointing at a staircase going deeper into the earth.
Jordan was on the verge of complaining, but he grabbed hold of himself.
Nevertheless, soon, they couldn’t see a thing.
“Now what,” said Hatsy and stopped walking.
“Chill,” said Jordan smoothly. He took a pokeball with an “R” sticker out of his pocket. “Come on Rotom, do your tricks!”
The pokeball opened and with a blinding flash, Rotom appeared. The room instantly flooded with light.
“Good thinking!” commended Hatsy and moved on.
Soon, they reached the bottom of the staircase. They could now see a light coming from afar, so Jordan summoned Rotom back. As they were going deeper, the surroundings started resembling to Hatsy’s dream: white shiny crystals all over, reflecting vividly the light coming from the depths of the tunnel. At the end of it was located a huge chamber. In the center lied a golden lake, while everything else (walls, ceiling and floor) was made of those white crystals. The sight would bring peace and calmness to every soul. On the other side of the room was an altar: two pillars supporting the ceiling, a surface like a shallow bath tub between them on the floor and a tall rock with engravings right behind it, all of them made out of the same white crystal. Marveled by the scenery, Hatsy and Jordan explored the area.
“What is this place?” asked Jordan amazed.
“This must be it, what I saw in my dream!” noticed Hatsy happily.
“It is so…” Jordan started saying. But he didn’t finish his word, as he heard voices coming from the entrance.
“Quickly! Let’s hide behind that thing!” he said to Hatsy pointing at the altar.
Hidden behind it and horrified, they were listening to the voices.
“We have reached our destination, great Cyrus,” said the first voice.
“You shall be awarded and honoured for your services, Commander Saturn. Now team Galactic is one step closer to fulfilling their primary goal: world domination!” said another voice.
Then, a demonic laugh filled the air. So satanic, that Hatsy and Jordan bristled. In the meantime, Hatsy couldn’t take hold of herself and revealed a little her head from behind the altar in order to see who were these two people. There were two men. The first one to talk was of medium height, approximately 1.70 meters and apparently young, between twenty and thirty years old. He was rather slim, with white clear skin. All of his facial traits were small and delicate. His nose was straight yet not very pointy, his cheeks and ears were thin but not skinny, his chin round, his eyes deeply blue, and his lips small, with a refreshing pink-red colour. Nevertheless, all that harmony was bound to be spoiled by his hair. Dyed blue, just like his eyes, it went upwards above the ears, thus forming a hole in the center of his head, and was short at the sides and the back, while a little longer at the forehead, almost reaching his eyes and covering his eyebrow. His clothes were simple, yet equally strange to his hair. He was wearing a dark grey, slightly tight pair of pants, which had horizontal thin black strips every ten to twelve centimeters. His shoes were half grey, at the part that was below the trousers, and half white at the front, without any shoelaces. Finally, his shirt was tighter than his trousers, with similarly colored sleeves that covered his arms just until the wrists. Two white, straight and symmetric lanes were beginning from the shoulders to go downwards till the end of the shirt, while between them was a dark grey one, with a yellow capital G at the front side, at the height of the sternum. As only two people were present, Hatsy presumed that this one was “Commander Saturn”.
As a result, the other man had to be Cyrus. He was taller, about 1.90, and seemed to be around the age of forty. In addition, he was more bulky, more muscular and generally more tough looking: wider chest, bigger and probably stronger arms and legs, well-shaped abs and big shoulders. All these characteristics were being accentuated by his suit, which was less tight than Saturn’s. More specifically, he was wearing the exact same trousers, black to grey, with the same black stripes, but more loose. His shirt was also the same at the arms, but, at the main body, it was white from the chest and above, and dark grey with the usually stripes below. In addition, he was a sleeveless light grey shirt with the same yellow capital G on the left side, over the chest. His face seemed rough to Hatsy. Lacking any emotions, it was extremely symmetrical, it didn’t have but two wrinkles between his light blue to grey eyebrows, which were completely straight, making him look frighteningly serious. His hair was dyed just like his eyebrows, and pointy like spikes. His eyes, on the other hand, were completely grey, matching perfectly with his pale skin, which seemed to have never been exposed to the sun. Finally, his nose was straight and seemed as if it was carefully made to look like a right triangle, just like his chin, while his lips were almost invisible, due to their miniscule size.
“Oh my god! Judging for their appearance and what they just said, they must be members of Team Galactic! And to make things worse, probably leaders! We are doomed!” whispered Hatsy with a trembling voice.
“And now, with the communion cup of the stars and the melody stone,” continued Cyrus, “Jirachi will be under my control! No one will be able to stop me!”
“But your excellence, there is still the last descendant of the Azure tribe on the loose.”
“You think a mere child can stop us?!”
Nobody answered.
“Let the ceremony begin then!”
“What are they talking about?” asked Hatsy.
“I think Jirachi is a legendary pokemon. It can make any wish come true,” replied Jordan.
“Well of the wishes… That’s it! We are here!” she realised and smiled. “And the Azure tribe?”
“No idea. But one thing is sure. We are in big trouble,” Jordan answered and shook his head to emphasize on how hazardous their situation was.
In the meantime, the commander gave his boss an apparently old cup, colored just like the lake. Hatsy and Jordan assumed that was the communion cup Cyrus mentioned before. Cyrus dipped it into the lake and filled it with gold water. Then, he approached the altar, put the cup on the rock, said some incomprehensive words and spilt the liquid in the concavity. The liquid started glowing and all of a sudden, it released a light beam that hit the rock, got reflected and went straight into the lake. Frightened, Hatsy let out a scream. Jordan closed her mouth with his hand, but unfortunately, it was too late.
“Who is there? Show yourself!” demanded Saturn.
Hatsy jumped up.
“We heard your plans. We won’t let you do it!”
“And who do you think you are to stop us,” said Cyrus .
“We’ve done it before, we’ll do it again,” answered back Jordan and stood up as well, but less willingly.
“So you are those two kids who beat our grunts,” realised Saturn.
“No matter. Anyone who stands in our way will perish!” said Cyrus and moved his arm widely to emphasize on the last word.
“Surrender now! Our grunts are guarding every possible way out!” claimed Saturn.
“I say you are nuts!” said Jordan. “No wonder you are dressed like freaks. Green, blue and light blue hair, ridiculous outfits… You must have a real problem to do that.”
“Insult us all you want, but when this is over, we will prevail,” answered Cyrus.
He then pressed a button on his belt and a Haunter made its appearance in front of him.
“I don’t think so,” said Hatsy and threw a pokeball in the air. The ball opened and, as her only pokemon, Duskull came out.
“Guess again,” said Saturn and fleered. Just like Cyrus, he pressed a button on his belt to summon a Sneasel.
“Hey! That’s not fair!” complained Jordan. “It’s two versus one! Let me help you, Hatsy. We need you again Rotom!” He then threw the R pokeball again and Rotom appeared.
“Don’t these pokemon have their own pokeballs?” asked Hatsy pointing at the Haunter and the Sneasel.
“Team Galactic has no time for friendships and bonds, like typical trainers do,” said Cyrus. “They are but an obstacle to our work. Thus we invented a pioneering system: the pokemon are still not tamed, locked in our facilities of course, but when we summon them through teleportation, they obey. Now,” he turned to the two pokemon, “Sneasel, Haunter, double Shadow Ball!”
Both pokemon concentrated. Then, two pitch black spheres appeared in front of them. They kept growing until they reached half the size of the two pokemon. Suddenly, they fused and the new huge ball was launched at an extremely high speed towards Rotom and Duskull!
“Wow! Watch out,” said Hatsy to her ghost pokemon, as well as her friend’s.
Fortunately, they both avoided it, but their foes were preparing another same attack.
“Duskull, use Disable,” ordered Hatsy, and instantly, Duskull glanced at Sneasel and Haunter, causing them to freeze in midair and preventing their move.
“Nice job, Hatsy!” commented Jordan and turned to Rotom. “Use Ominous Wind, Rotom.”
Rotom closed its eyes for a couple of seconds. When it reopened them, they had turned light blue, and all of a sudden, a strong wind current blew Haunter and Sneasel away, crushing them into the wall. The sharp claw pokemon seemed to have taken moderate damage. Its pair however, although it passed right through the crystal wall, was devastated. Moreover, Rotom seemed to have become quicker, probably thanks to the second effect of ominous wind, as Jordan assumed.
“Yeah! It’s time for some electrifying action!” he said jumping around in excitement.
“Oh please…” said Hatsy and rolled her eyes. “Electrifying action? I’ve heard better quotes…”
“Mind your own business!” he answered. “Thunder Shock on Haunter!” he then ordered Rotom.
Rotom paused for a second and then released a shiny beam, which stroke Haunter like a mini thunder. Nevertheless, to Jordan’s surprise, all the electricity was absorbed in Haunter’s hand and then shot back at Rotom (Rotom was not hurt though, as electricity plus concentrated electrons equals nothing more than electricity that Rotom is made of, but Haunter still managed to dodge the attack).
“You fool!” said Cyrus. “Ghosts are a wonder of nature. Even the laws of nature bow to their will! Their molecular structure is completely unstable, yet organized and thus far superior! And you believe you have mastered their power by just capturing one? I am amused by your naivety…”
“I believe it’s time we got rid of that annoying paralysis too,” added Saturn. “Haunter and Sneasel, Rest!”
Both enemy pokemon instantly fell asleep.
“I think you should take Haunter,” said Jordan to Hatsy. “I will deal with Sneasel.”
“Sure,” she answered. “Let’s beat them up! We have the upper hand now!”
“Don’t be so sure,” warned Saturn and giggled. “Sneasel, attack using Sleep Talk!”
Although asleep, Sneasel seemed to be attacking. It turned to Rotom and froze in that position.
“What’s that? Pf…” said Jordan and laughed. “Come on Rotom. Ominous Wind again.”
But Rotom couldn’t move.
“What’s going on?” he cried surprised.
“That’s what happens when you are hasty,” said Saturn and smirked again.
Sneasel was shaking all over, and then, after “freezing” again, with just a small movement of its fingers, it caused a huge vibration, which sent Rotom flying towards the wall. The damage was very serious despite the fact that, just like Haunter, Rotom flew through the crystals. Meanwhile, Hatsy had the situation under control. Using Shadow Sneak, Duskull had reached high velocity and was therefore freely hitting Haunter, which had woken up. Cyrus was cornered, as Duskull’s attack was very effective, until he noticed that the lack was glowing. Suddenly, a temple rose from the depths of the lack. It had the same colour with the crystals. The roof was similar to that of the Parthenon, supported by four huge and round columns at the four edges. At the center of the side looking at the altar was the entrance, and above it an anaglyph of a creature with a star shaped head and two ribbons coming from its back.
“You are too late! The white temple has finally emerged!” said Cyrus and run to the temple. “Haunter, Explosion,” he ordered while entering the ancient construction.
“Oh no! Duskull, use Protect,” cried Hatsy and run behind Duskull to take cover.
“Rotom, Protect! Now,” ordered Jordan and hurried next to Rotom.
“Reflect Sneasel,” said Saturn without any panic.
Haunter focused and caused a huge, deafening explosion, then fainted and warped away. Fortunately, all three moves were successful, blocking the impellent wave and thus protecting their users. But Cyrus had moved on into the white temple.
“You stop Cyrus! I will occupy Saturn,” said Jordan to Hatsy.
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Old 08-29-2010, 08:34 AM
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Post Re: Hatsy the forgotten hero part II: The well of the wishes (ready!)

Without answering, Hatsy quickly made her way into the temple. The internal however didn’t seem like a temple at all. Apart from the floor, which typically consisted of crystal, the whole room looked like a night sky: dark blue to black, with white luminous dots all over. More specifically, the floor was dangling in space. If you were to make the mistake of falling off the platform, the abyss would be waiting for you. Hatsy had no time to gaze at this rare spectacle, but just the idea of tripping off the platform turned her pale. She moved on to find Cyrus, next to a one meter tall rock with an indent, holding a note shaped stone.
“Hello dear Hatsy… It seems you are more powerful than I estimated,” he said and smiled in a sinister way.
“And you seem weaker!” she answered and raised her upper lip to show her teeth and tongue, and thus her disgust towards Cyrus.
“I admire your courage, but you shall be terminated nonetheless,” he continued maintaining his emotionless, yet evil look.
“Oh really? How?” she asked ironically while raising her eyebrows.
“Observe…” he answered and giggled.
He pressed another button on his belt and out of nowhere appeared a Nincada, as well as the Porygon, wearing both a device on their heads.
“Porygon!” said Hatsy surprised.
Porygon didn’t react. It just stood there, not responding to anything.
“What have you done to him?” she demanded to know.
“Allow me to introduce you to our anger device! It puts a pokemon under our control, while it simultaneously increases its strength by concentrating a Pokémon’s anger. Team Rocket created it, but they failed to realize the true potential of this masterpiece. One pokemon alone couldn’t withstand the pressure… As a result, loss of sanity and disobedience were a common phenomenon. We, on the other hand, managed to perfect it! For instance, two pokemon are needed. One of them is a puppet, that gives power to the second pokemon, and the other one does the work. Can you guess who the puppet is?” he said and smirked again.
“You want get away with it!”
“So it may seem to you. But, when I put the melody stone I am holding in this indent,” he said pointing at the rock next to him, “it will all be over. Ready to face our rage? Nincada, Conversion!”
Nincada started moving in circles, while Porygon was zapped with electricity by the anger device.
“What are you doing?” cried Hatsy seeing Porygon getting hurt.
“And now, go high and use Fury Cutter,” said Cyrus without paying attention to his opponent.
The Nincada jumped high off the ground and charged at Duskull at full speed, trying to hit it with its sharp claws. Fortunately, Duskull managed to dodge the incoming attack, but Nincada’s immense speed created an aerial wave that blew the ghost away.
“That is impossible! Nincadas can’t fly!”
“The bond between the fighter and the puppet is more advanced than you think. Every single ability is shared by both, even levitation! So it happens with moves, as you witnessed just now with conversion, but in this case the puppet has to take damage.”
“You are insane! How can you be so cruel?”
“Cold logic is the only weapon you can count on if you really desire victory, and defeat is not an option for Team Galactic. Any sentiments are useless.”
“I really don’t understand your way of thinking, but I won’t let you destroy everything,” Hatsy answered disgusted. “Duskull, use Disable to slow things down a little,” she then ordered Duskull.
The Pokémon obeyed and glared at the Nincada.
“Let’s see now what your machine can really do,” she said and smiled.
“X-scissor Nincada,” said Cyrus ignoring Hatsy again.
“It won’t work… It’s paral-” started saying Hatsy, but stopped as the trainee pokemon was preparing its attack. And with its claws shaping an X, it dove right into Duskull. Unprepared, Duskull took severe damage and slowly started losing its levitation.
“May I repeat, my dear Hatsy, our anger machine isn’t just for decoration. We have managed to perfect it. And any minute now, our battle will be over,” he said.
Meanwhile, Jordan was doing well against Saturn.
“Rotom, use Thundershock,” he said and his pokemon zapped the foe’s Sneasel. The Sneasel instantly fell on the floor unconscious and teleported away.
“Yeah! You are going down, ‘commander’,” he said sarcastically and laughed.
“Oh no, this isn’t the end my friend,” Saturn answered, and by pressing another button on his belt, he summoned an Abra. “Prepare to lose now! Abra, Teleport!”
The Abra moved its arm slightly and then disappeared.
“Where did it go?” asked Jordan in panic, looking everywhere around him to find the Abra.
“I can help you with that,” said Saturn and fleered. “Abra, use Energy Ball!” he ordered.
The Abra reappeared right behind Rotom and, by moving its arms in a circle, it created a green glowing ball that was shot at Rotom. Although the hit was very strong, Rotom managed to survive it, but it was getting tired, floating around with more difficulty than before. Jordan now seemed to be desperate. So was Hatsy, whose Duskull was on the verge of fainting.
“Nincada, terminate this nuisance once and for all with X-scissors!” said Cyrus, pointing at the Duskull.
Hatsy felt as if all of her body had turned into stone, unable to speak or move. All she could do was to see her Duskull getting destroyed by Cyrus’s Nincada. However, while the Nincada was approaching, she heard a voice: “Mistress, please use your powers and save us,” the voice begged.
“Was that… Duskull?” she wondered surprised.
Nincada’s claws now were only centimeters away from hitting the Duskull.
“Duskull!” Hatsy cried in horror. And all of a sudden, a blinding golden light filled the interior of the temple. Both the Nincada and the Porygon froze in midair, just before they would finish off their opponents, while the anger machine shuttered into pieces. When the light began to fade away, Hatsy realised she wasn’t touching the floor anymore and that she was emitting the light, being golden herself. Then, unexpectedly, she turned back to normal and fell clumsily on the ground, feeling completely exhausted.
“Well well well… It seems you have finally discovered your powers, Miss Swann,” said Cyrus and laughed demonically. “No difference nonetheless!” and he quickly placed the melody stone in the indent.
The rock started levitating, glowing and changing shape, transforming into the pokemon of the statue above the entrance of the temple. The star shaped part of its head though, as well as the ribbons, was yellow, while its skin was silver to grey.
“I am Jirachi,” the creature said. “Who is the one to have awaken me from my deep slumber?”
However, it didn’t move its mouth to speak. Instead, its voice seemed to echo inside Hatsy mind. “It’s telepathy!” she realised amazed.
“It was I, oh great wish maker, Cyrus, seeking your immense power!” Cyrus answered while bowing to Jirachi.
“I sincerely thank you for your kind deed. What wish would you like me to grand?”
“Don’t listen to him,” said Hatsy. “He is evil! He is going to destroy everything!”
“I will be the judge of that!” Jirachi answered loudly, making Hatsy’s head hurt. “Now let your wish be known, Cyrus.”
“I wish for a new world, a world that will be perfect and that I can rule, instead of this one. A world where every creature’s fate and purpose of existence will be to obey me. A world where I will be a God!”
“It seems that the young one is right. Your heart is filled with nothing but darkness. But, I am obliged to obey, as you have awakened me.”
“You have failed, Miss Swann. I will finally be master of all,” cried Cyrus and laughed in a sinister way.
Jirachi had closed its eyes and it was beginning to sparkle. Suddenly, Hatsy realised the stars in the sky were disappearing one by one. And then, the floor was starting to evaporate.
“Please stop,” said Hatsy to Jirachi and tears began to appear in her eyes. But Jirachi didn’t react.
Her feet were now becoming diaphanous. She looked at Duskull, who seemed to be disappearing as well.
“Somebody helps us,” she said to herself as if she was praying.
She had given up all hope, until she heard a sudden, very loud and low cry, followed by a blinding flash. When she regained her vision, Hatsy realised everything was back to normal, except for a white light ball standing right in front of her. Seeing it, Jirachi lowered its head and Duskull quickly hid itself behind Hatsy’s shoulder for protection, watching the ball in fear.
“Im, im, impossible…” Cyrus struggled to say, “Th this is impossible…” he repeated.
Hatsy got really scared. She had no idea what was that sphere she was facing. Yet it surprised even Cyrus.
“The ultimate being…” Cyrus continued. “Standing right in front of me… I… I…” He stopped for a second. “I will not let this chance slip right through my hands,” he said with rage and stretched his arm to touch the light orb. But his hand passed right through it. The orb turned immediately red.
“How dare you,” said Jirachi and instantly immobilized Cyrus with its psychic powers. “A petty creature with intensions like yours is a disgrace for all and should not even exist in this world!”
An ear-piercing, high-pitched sound was then emitted from the orb. Hatsy and Cyrus covered their ears in pain.
“According to the Great One,” continued Jirachi after hearing the sound, “you deserve the greatest punishment of all: erasure from his world!”
Hatsy was shocked! Cyrus had almost destroyed the whole world, but erasing him would be no better than what he tried to do. Then again, it wouldn’t be very wise to disagree with Jirachi, after seeing what it was capable of doing.
While she was thinking, she realised that the more she felt pity for Cyrus, the more did the orb turn from that vicious red to a warm beige. It seemed as if it could understand her thoughts. Having turned completely beige, the orb released another sound. But this one was soft and calming.
“It seems the Great One had a change of heart. Cyrus, despite your actions, you and your followers will be let free, but with no memories of your presence here. Farewell!”
“I endeavored a lot to reach my goal,” said Cyrus expressionless again and turned to Hatsy. “Miss Swann, it seems I had underestimated your abilities. But we will meet again… And then, I will have the advantage!” he threatened. Then he disappeared.
Hatsy was speechless. So many things had happened, and so quickly. What was going to happen now? Her legs turned into stone at the thought of having her memory erased, or even worse…
The orb turned pink and it emitted another soft sound.
“Do not be afraid,” said Jirachi to Hatsy and Duskull. “The Great One is on your side. You will be safe from Cyrus for now. Every memory and evidence that may lead him or his coworkers to you has been deleted. You are probably confused at the moment, but everything will be revealed on time.”
Hatsy tried as much as she could to conquer her fear and speak.
“Please help me… I don’t understand,” she managed to say.
“I deeply apologize, but I cannot,” Jirachi answered. “You will have to find the answers yourself. But please listen carefully: once I depart the temple will be lost in the depths of the golden lake. Take the melody stone and the communion cup of the stars and hide them well. When you touch the altar outside, you and your friends will teleport to safety.”
“Please don’t leave, I have to know!”
“It was your faith that summoned the Great One and saved us all. Keep it, and you will be safe. Thanks to you, the Azure tribe will finally restore the balance of this world. Farewell,” said Jirachi and turned into the rock it was before, with the melody stone inside it. The orb then vanished in a blink of an eye and a strong pulse was released from the spot it once was, causing the Nincada and the Porygon to fall on the floor exhausted.
The temple was now trembling and Hatsy knew she had to leave immediately. She looked at the two unconscious pokemon in front of her. She had no option but to try and catch them, or she wouldn’t be able to save them. She quickly summoned Duskull back into its pokeball and threw two pokeballs, at the Porygon and at the Nincada. The balls bumped on the three pokemon, sucking them inside and falling on the floor. Hatsy was watching silent.


Characters: 43,509
Pokemon for capture:
(first of all) Porygon and (then) Nincada
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 09-23-2010 at 03:41 PM.
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Old 09-27-2010, 06:51 AM
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Default Re: Hatsy, the forgotten hero part II: The well of the wishes (ready!)

I hereby claim this story for my grading powers.

Sorry if you thought this was the grade Team Pokemon

Expect the grade within a week or so :3
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Old 09-27-2010, 03:30 PM
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Post Re: Hatsy, the forgotten hero part II: The well of the wishes (ready!)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kaioo View Post
I hereby claim this story for my grading powers.

Sorry if you thought this was the grade Team Pokemon

Expect the grade within a week or so :3
Bah... No problem. I would say thanks for claiming my relatively long story, but I won't because if I don't get porygon, I will have to recheck it and it is too big for me. I don't like big stories because it takes hours to correct and improve them. So be careful what you are going to write in the outcome section. I am watching you... Just kidding. Thanks!
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:38 PM
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Default Re: Hatsy, the forgotten hero part II: The well of the wishes (ready!)

Introduction
I quite liked your introduction as it A) explained what had happened in Part I in a nice summary, and B) introduced the story to me as well. The introduction could have been a bit more descriptive in that you explained the surroundings, as some of the readers might not of read Part I, and were reading this one anew, and thus had no idea what the rooms looked like. Other than that, the introduction was very nicely done, nice job.

All in all, the introduction was a nice opening to your story, however it could be improved.

Plot
I liked how the plot was original, and not one of the overused trainer walks through woods, encounters Pokemon, fight. I applaud you for thinking up your own plot, and I would like to see how you develop the plots in the future. All in all, the plot was intriguing, set the bar high, and sucked me in, and I could not pull myself away until I had finished reading the story. Very nice job, keep up the good work.

Grammar
Quote:
had fallen to a comma due to the battle
I think you can see the mistake here right? I don’t know whether it was a typo, or a mistake of wording. Comma should have been coma.
Quote:
the Beautifly was crying in pain and shacking like crazy.
shacking should be shaking.
Quote:
During class, everyone was starring at her
should be staring instead of starring.
Quote:
My parents will be waiting me for diner
diner should be dinner, and you missed out the word on between waiting and me.
Quote:
asked ironically another boy of the gang
No spelling mistake or word misuse, merely the sentence was structured incorrectly. The sentence should be restructured as
Quote:
asked another boy of the gang, ironically.
Quote:
Are you cwying?
I don’t know whether this was intentional, as in the boy talking like a baby to mock Hatsy, or whether it is a mistake, but cwying should be crying.
Quote:
Hatsy run away silently
run should be ran.
Quote:
mountain Coronet
I know what you mean, but it’s called Mount Coronet if I’m not mistaken.
Quote:
the coronet peak
coronet should be Coronet, as it is a place, and thus requires a capitalisation at the start of the word.
Quote:
Judging for their appearance
for should be by.
Quote:
high speed towards Rotom and Duskull!
there is no need for an exclamation point in a sentence. In speech, it is used to represent someone shouting, however, when not in speech, it isn’t really needed.
Quote:
You want get away with it
want should be won’t.
Quote:
Somebody helps us
mistype or word misuse, helps should be help.
Quote:
but everything will be revealed on time
on should be in.

All in all, your grammar was creative, and set out remarkably well. Your story had several grammatical mistakes, however they weren't massively major mistakes. To improve on your grammar, read through the story several times, looking to see if anything doesn't make sense, and needs to be changed. If you are unsure, ask a friend or someone to proofread your story, and let them read through it, and see if they can find any mistakes. Other than that, your grammar was great, nice job.

Detail
The detail expressed was, in my opinion, nicely presented, and was considerably good detailing in what you detailed. However, I would of liked to of seen more detailing on the surroundings, the features of the characters, as well as all the damage done to the Pokemon if it was present. Detail goes a long way in a story. As the story went on, your detailing improved, but didn’t paint a picture of everything, as you detailed some points, but that was it.

To improve on your detailing, try and express character’s facial expressions, their mood changes, whether their cheeks go red out of embarrassment, the colours of the walls so on so forth. Apart from that, I would like to say that you did well.



Battle
The battle between Jordan and the Team Galactic members was nice, though you could have been more descriptive on the colours, strength etc. of the attacks. Did the attack erupt from the Pokemon, sending the other one sprawling, or was the attack a feeble attempt of an attack, and the Pokemon brushed off the attack with little damage done to it.

The battle between Hatsy, Jordan and Cyrus and Saturn was more detailed than the battle between Jordan and the two grunts earlier on in the story. The battle between Hatsy and Cyrus further in got me excited, and you then cut the story to the battle between Jordan and Saturn, which in my view made it seem that it was just a filler.

The description used in the battle between Jordan and Saturn was good, and the description was good in the battle between Hatsy and Cyrus. I was a bit disappointed that there was no actual battle between Hatsy and the Porygon, however I understand why you didn’t have a battle between them as Hatsy had struggled through the battle with the Nincada.



Length
The length is alright, however, you need to remember that Porygon alone is a 40,000 character minimum limit. To improve on length, try and add detail to your story, expressing the character’s surroundings, their emotions so on so forth.


Spoiler:
Outcome
The story was well-written, and it was a very interesting read. With all the improvements done on it, you could turn this story into a complete masterpiece. Now, for the big important part. The length was enough, however, it is only enough for one Pokemon. Choose between the Porygon and the Nincada, and then enjoy your choice.
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Last edited by Kaioo; 09-28-2010 at 04:17 PM. Reason: Needed to change something
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Old 09-28-2010, 04:48 PM
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Talking Re: Hatsy, the forgotten hero part II: The well of the wishes (ready!)

I am no idiot, of course. I will take Porygon! Oh, thank you so much, Kaioo! You can't believe how much time I've spent on this story and how much happy you've made me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! And thank you for your encouraging comments! I feel really accomplished! I am indeed planning to continue the story. Once again, thank you!
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Last edited by Team Pokemon; 09-28-2010 at 05:05 PM.
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