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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

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Old 01-27-2010, 03:58 AM
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Default A Day at Bumble Beach

Ready to be Graded!
Target: Magikarp(Easiest), Combee (Simple), Croagunk(Medium).
Length: 20,176
Required Length: 18k – 38k
Warning: I wrote this story MONTHS ago for Magikarp and Combee but decided to stop a little over half way through out of laziness. Finding it on my computer, I realized that I only really needed a battle to finish it. So please excuse me if the first half of the story fails in comparison to the second half, my writing has just gotten better over time. :3

Bumble Beach, the largest spring break hangout in the entire Chirroh region, was where Max would be spending all of the up coming week. Max’s friends had decided to stay at Max’s friend Kevin’s beach house over spring break; the five friends were just arriving.

“Here we are!” Kevin exclaimed. “Bumble Beach!”

Max and Seth, another of Max’s friends, jumped up from their seats in Kevin’s old cherry red convertible and looked out towards the ocean. As Max stood up the wind caught his long, curly, brown hair and pulled it back. Max was about 5 feet and 8 inches tall, had dark blue eyes, and an average body build. He wore jean shorts almost all of the time and lightly colored T-shirts. In a place like the Chirroh region you didn’t have much of a choice of clothing if you didn’t want to overheat.

There had to be miles of beautifully smooth white sand stretching across the ocean’s edge here. The crystal clear, blue, ocean water pushed itself against the shore, then retreated back into the ocean moments later, leaving the sand that it touched moist and light brown. The white capped waves were monstrous and perfect for surfing, as many people could be seen doing. Other people, and there were hundreds of them, lied on the beach tanning, had Pokemon battles in a special ring set aside for it on the east side of the beach, built sand castles, played volleyball, hung out in the Pokemon Center on the west end of the beach, or just ran around talking with their friends. All around the beach were the noises of people, the songs of the gulls flying over the beach, and the sounds of the blue ocean waves crashing against the shore.

Max took a big whiff of the air; he could smell the sweet honey smell that the beach was famous for. Bumble Beach was right next to Honeyglade Forest, a large forest known to be infested by Combee and Vespiquen. The smell of the bee’s honey overpowered everything else on the beach, giving it a wonderful sweet smell; the honey’s smell was most of the reason that Bumble Beach was so popular.

“Do you guys smell that? It’s amazing!” Max exclaimed, catching the taste of the salty ocean air in his mouth as he inhaled to smell the sweet aroma of honey in the air.

Kevin pulled the car over just next to the entrance to the beach; he pulled his key from the ignition and turned back to face the four friends in the back seat. “Now out of my car!” he shouted in a teasing tone, “go have some fun and we’ll all meet back at my place later on.”

Everybody stepped out of the car and stretched; Max decided walked over to his friend Julie to try and strike up a conversation. “Hey Jules, what are you planning on doing?” he asked.

“I think I’m gonna head over to that battling ring,” she replied, staring at the large Pokemon battling ring down on the beach.

“Should have known,” Max laughed; he knew Julie loved nothing more than watching and participating in intense Pokemon battles.

That was the only bad thing about Julie; she was very competitive and was obsessed with battling. Whenever she saw the opportunity to battle with her Feraligater she took it and completely forgot about everything else, meaning she would probably not hang out with them on the beach all week. Everything else about her was perfect. She was beautiful; having long blonde hair, almost the same eyes as Max, soft tanned skin, and a nice curvy figure. She was smart, very pleasant, and extremely fun to be around.

“What about you?” she asked.

“I think I’m gonna head over to the Pokemon Center to get a smoothie and then go surfing with Croagunk,” Max replied.

“Sounds fun! Stop over and watch me battle later, ok?” she asked.

“Alright, I will” Max promised, giving her the most eager smile he possibly could.

Julie ran off towards the east side of the beach, leaving Max standing by himself. All of the others had left while they were talking. Max began walking towards the Pokemon Center, on the way he saw tons of people having fun surfing with their water Pokemon. He couldn’t wait to get out there with them.

Max stepped through the crystal blue glass doors of the Pokemon Center and walked up to the smoothie bar. The bar was a long glass counter with tons of smoothie ingredients underneath which you could see, and pick from, from above. A young bartender stood at the counter waiting on anybody who came up to ask for a drink. The bartender looked like he was around the age of the teens on the beach and had short, spiky, brown hair, dark hazel eyes, and an almost orange farmer’s tan.

”What can I get for ya?” the bartender asked.

”Can I get a strawblerry smoothie?” Max asked.

”Strawberry and blueberry smoothie, coming right up,” the bartender replied. He grabbed a handful of strawberries and blueberries from under the counter, threw them into the smoothie blender with the other ingredients, and started mixing.

Max was sitting at the counter waiting patiently for his smoothie to be finished when he heard somebody calling to him from a few feet away.

”Hey kid!” the mysterious looking man said in a loud whisper. “Come here!”

Max was hesitant to walk into the corner where the man was standing but he decided to see what he wanted anyways. If anything bad happens I’ll have Starmie to help me out, he thought. Max got up from his stool at the bar and walked over to the mysterious man.

The man wore a long, raggedy, brown trench coat and a baseball cap which was two sizes too bag for his head. Due to the collar of the trench coat and the hat’s shadows, Max couldn’t see any anything of the man’s face. The only reason Max even knew that it was a man was because of the deep, raspy voice that he had.

”Yes?” Max asked; the tone in his voice giving off the impression that he was somewhat frightened.

”Hello, hello! Let me ask you boy, have you heard the stories of the great sea dragon Gyarados?” the man asked.

”Yeah, that’s the massive sea serpent Pokemon. A colony of them just destroyed that new resort out in the middle of the Mid-Chirroh Sea,” Max replied, still wondering what he could be getting at.

”Exactly, so you can only imagine how powerful it must be!” the man exclaimed. “Well then, I have deal for you,” the man said.

Max was listening intently now.

”How would you like the pre-evolution of the mighty Gyarados?” the man asked. “It’s all yours for just 500 Pokedollars!”

”Really?” Max asked, almost not believing him. Gyarados were extremely rare and monstrous, so any trainer who had managed to capture one quickly became highly renowned. “Yeah, I’ll take one! But what is it?” he asked.

”It’s a Magic Karp,” the man said. “It’s just as vicious as its evolution, I promise,” the man assured Max as he handed him a pokeball containing the fish.

Max handed over 500 pokedollars to the man and ran towards the door, excited to show Julie his new soon to be Gyarados. “Thanks mister!” Max shouted to the man as he ran out the glass doors of the Pokemon Center, completely forgetting about his strawblerry smoothie.

Max walked briskly down the shore of Bumble Beach, staring at the shiny red and white ball that housed his new Pokemon. ”It’s just as vicious as its evolution, I promise!” The shady figure’s words rang through Max’s head constantly like a broken record. “I need to try this thing out…” he mumbled. Deciding what he wanted to do with the rest of his day, he bolted off towards the battling ring on the other side of the beach.

“Go! Yeah!”

”Get it! Hit it harder!”

“Ooh! Ahh!”

Max heard nothing but cheers as he pushed his way through the crowd surrounding the large dirt circle.

“Who’s next?!” the winner of the last match called out; his tall brown fighting Pokemon standing beside him.

Now’s my chance! Max thought as he recklessly charged into the circle, ready to take on the trainer and his ferocious Hitmonlee.

“I’ll take you!” Max shouted, pulling his newest Pokeball from his belt and staring down his opponents.

Max took a glance behind him and noticed Julie standing in the front of the crowd; she’d be watching his battle, so he’d have to do well. Having the girl that he liked watching his every move intently made him nervous though, he had to wipe the sweat from his brow at least twice before clearing his throat and tossing his Pokeball into the air.

I better not screw this up… Max thought as he tossed his new Pokemon’s ball onto the battlefield. “Go Magic Karp!” he shouted, calling out the name of the Pokemon that the mysterious man had given him.

Awaiting a dragonic serpent of some sort to appear in front of him, Max was not only shocked but horrified as a tiny red fish appeared in the battle ring. The red carp flopped around, doing absolutely nothing but moaning “Karp… Karp… Karp…” as it slashed in place.

“Ha!” Max’s opponent cried, almost bursting into laughter. “ That’s your Pokemon?! Hitmonlee, get rid of that pitiful thing.”

The crowd burst into laughter as the tall Hitmonlee walked towards the flopping carp, swinging its foot through the air on occasion to show off.

Max turned to look at Julie, even she was laughing at his blunder of a Pokemon. Max couldn’t believe this was happening, the man had told him that the Magic Karp was as ferocious as a Gyarados. He’d been tricked.

“Water Gun! Hydro Pump! Tackle! Do something!” Max roared in anger, trying to make himself look like less of a fool.

However, with each word out of his mouth the crowd around the ring just roared even louder with laughter. Finally Hitmonlee came to a stop next to the bouncing red fish and jumped into the air. With a quick roll above Magikarp the kicking Pokemon dived down to the ground and spun as it kicked Magikarp high into the air. Max and the crowd all stared at the fish as it flew farther and farther away from the battle ring, over a hundred feet, and fell right into the middle of Honeyglade Forest.

“Sorry kid, but you shouldn’t have brought a damn Magikarp to the battle ring,” the opponent said from across the ring.

Max ran out of the ring, embarrassed, angry, and confused, towards Honeyglade Forest. Just as he stepped out Julie stepped in, still giggling from Max’s mistake even though she really did feel bad for him.

“What are you doing here, little lady?” the battle ring champion said as Julie stepped up to battle, “What? Got a Caterpie for me to kick?

As Max approached the forest the last thing he heard was the ferocious roar of a Feraligatr that was about to tear a Hitmonelee to shreds.

Last edited by Sec; 01-29-2010 at 02:08 PM.
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Old 01-27-2010, 03:59 AM
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Default Re: A Day at Bumble Beach

Max stepped into the forest and was instantly barraged by the smell and taste of honey within the air. It was almost as if someone had taken his head and shoved it into a bucket of honey, trying to drown him in the sweetness. All around him, buzzing, buzzing, and nothing else could be heard; he already had a headache and he hadn’t even been in Honeyglade Forest for more than two minutes. He figured he would just have to deal with it until he could find Magikarp and get out.

Walking briskly through the paths of space between the trees, Max tried very hard to not b noticed by and Combee or Vespiquen, especially Vespiquen; the last thing he wanted was to be stuck in the buzzing woods even longer because of a battle. As Sec passed each tree a bit of honey would get stuck to his clothes, since the space between trees was so small. The extremely leafy green foliage was all covered from head to toe in honey, leaves and all.

No wonder the Aroma is so heavy here… Max thought as he wiped some sweat from his brow; though upon doing so the honey that had been caked to the sleeves of his jacket brushed off across his forehead.

“Ugh!” he cried as he tried to wipe the honey from his face, but that only caused the honey to spread to his hands. “The sooner I’m out of this damn place the better…” he muttered as he threw his sticky hands down to his sides.

Max continued along the random path he had been taking through the forest until he reached a small clearing after about fifteen more minutes of walking. Unlike the rest of the forest, this place was mostly empty. The ground was very bare, only the occasional berry littered the empty space, and no trees were in sight aside from those that surrounded and created the border for the clearing. The only thing other than empty space in the clearing was a small pond, only about two feet deep, which was splashing obnoxiously.

Max walked up to the miniature pool to try and discover what could possibly be making such a large ruckus, only to see his Magikarp lying sideways in the pool, staring up at him with one eye.

“You’ve caused quite a bit of trouble...” Max said as he pulled the red sea critter’s Pokeball out of his pocket. “Now get back in here, hopefully I can get the money back that I spent on you…”

With that, Max dropped the ball upon his Magikarp and the red fish was sucked back up into the Pokeball; however, just as the ball shut it burst open again, emitting a bright flash of red light as Magikarp reappeared in the shallow pool of water. Upon escaping its Pokeball the scarlet fish continued flopping in the pond, moaning, “Karp… Karp… Karp…”

“What’s the matter with you?” Max said as the ball flew back into his hand, “get back in the ball!”

Max dropped the ball upon Magikarp once again, but the Pokemon broke free a second time. It wasn’t as if Max was trying to capture Magikarp, it was already his, the crimson carp just did not want to go back into its ball.

“Just get back in the ball! I want to get out of here!” Max screamed. His head was throbbing, he was sticky, the aroma of the forest was starting to make him sick, and the buzzing was becoming increasingly annoying. The buzzing which he noticed was now getting louder.

Max turned around to see a rather oversized Combee floating behind him, an angry look upon its face and its wings buzzing to a vicious tune. Max placed Magikarp’s Pokeball back in his pocket and grabbed another ball instead. He hoped that the Combee would leave but if it didn’t then he’d have to be ready to battle.

It didn’t take long for Max to realize that the buzzing bug was looking for a battle; he had invaded their territory and they wanted him out. Combee charged at Max, its three mouths wide open and ready to bite down on whatever they could get a hold of.

Max jumped clear out of the way, skipping across the forest’s sticky floor, and Combee spun around before smacking face first into a honey coated tree. Max threw the Pokeball that he had been holding right in front of Combee, the flash from the ball opening and releasing Max’s Pokemon blinded Combee just long enough for Max’s Croagunk to prepare for battle.

Croagunk appeared, with the flash of light that appears upon the release of a Pokemon from its ball, and it took a fighting stance. “Ribbit…” the fighting frog croaked as it awaited its trainer’s orders.

“Let’s get rid of this thing so we can go home!” Max shouted as Combee regained its vision. “Start it off with a nasty Astonish!”

Combee glared at Croagunk, preparing to charge with another Bug Bite, but Croagunk managed to perform its attack first.

Croagunk stared deep into Combee’s eyes, and suddently its face began to twist and contort into a variety of distorted crooked shapes that absolutely terrified Combee. After a few moments the poison frog Pokemon unraveled its warped face and returned to normal.

Combee was so taken aback by the terrifying face of the distorted amphibian that it flew backwards several feet and began to whimper; every time Croagunk made the tiniest movement the bee would flinch.

“Now that we shook things up, hit it with a Poison Jab and follow up with Headbutt!” Max shouted out, he was glad that they already had a clear advantage.

Croagunk swung a powerful punch at the floating, buzzing bee and upon contact a small amount of poison was ejected from the tip of its one red finger. Unfortunately for Max and Croagunk the poison just slipped off of Combee’s body, not poisoning the Pokemon.

As Croagunk readied itself for its Headbutt, Combee finally regained its senses and let loose an attack of its own. The bee Pokemon moved back a bit and then lunged forward while turning with one wing extended, launching a powerful razor-like gust of air hurdling towards Croagunk. The Air Cutter attack smashed right into the top of Croagunk’s head as the Pokemon began to charge at Combee, sending it stumbling backwards and causing it to fall flat on its back.

Given the opportunity to rest, Combee flew towards the nearby trees at the edge of the clearing.

“It’s trying to escape! Sludge Bomb and stop it in its tracks!” Max shouted to his downed Pokemon.

While it was true that Max wanted nothing more than for the fight to just end so he could escape the headache and aroma of Honeyglade Forest, the more he thought about it the more he liked the idea of owning a Vesipquen. There was no way he was letting this Pokemon escape.

Croagunk hopped up to its feet, regained its balance, and took a deep breath in. With a loud burp-like exhale, a shot an orb of mushy, dripping, violet sludge began soaring towards the fleeing Combee. Unfortunately the attack fell short by just a few inches and splattered on the ground just behind the honey Pokemon.

Luckily for Max, Combee wasn’t fleeing after all. As the Pokemon reached the edge of the clearing it began quickly licking the honey from the surface of the trees, and in just a few moments the bruise left by Croagunk’s Poison Jab was gone.

“Crap… the honey heals it…” Max muttered as Combee floated back to the battlefield. “Alright Croagunk, stay up close and don’t let it near the trees! Now hit it hard with an Ice Punch followed up with a Thunder Punch!”

Croagunk charged at the restored Combee, one of its fists sparkling like snow and the other emitting electric sparks and pulses. Croagunk swung hard and connected with an IC Punch uppercut, followed by a jab with the electrical fist.

Taking two attacks of that strength was almost too much for Combee and it began a slow retreat. Though the hardy Pokemon didn’t seem eager to give up before, it realized that it had no choice now.

“Gunk Shot to finish it off Croagunk!” Max ordered, he was so close that he was sure the honey he could taste in the air was actually victory.

Croagunk shot a long stream of poisonous gunk from its mouth, much like it had with the Sludge Bomb, which flew through the air towards Combee. Bits of sludge would drop to the ground from the soaring poison bomb as it neared the flying bug.

Combee, realizing it had to act quickly or be defeated, quickly turned around and began beating its wings as fast as it could. A miniature tornado appeared just in front of Combee, which shielded it from the Gunk Shot as the poisonous stream flew into the Gust and was thrown all over the clearing.

Croagunk ran around the tornado to strike, only to find that Combee had moved away in the time it had taken the amphibian to get there. Combee was now across the clearing, licking honey from the bark of the trees once again.

“Oh no you don’t!” Max yelled and quickly came up with a plan. “Finish this Croagunk, Vacuum Wave!”

With final orders from its trainer, Croagunk quickly began to skin and gather up air. Suddenly, the poison Pokemon stopped and punched the air which it had managed to gather up. The punched air twisted into the shape of a large, bold, spiked ball and began to glow. As Croagunk’s punch hit it, the glowing spike ball of air rushed at Combee and smashed the recovering bee right into the tree. The power of Croagunk’s attack had been just enough to finish the wounded Combee, as it had no had enough time to fully recover from the honey.

“Got ya!” Max exclaimed as he ran over towards the fainted Combee and pulled an empty Pokeball from the pocket of his pants. “Here we go…” Max whispered as he dropped the Pokeball upon Combee.

The Bee Pokemon was sucked into the ball as it dropped to the forest floor and began shaking. The ball wiggled once… Twice…

With one more shake the ball would lock and Max would only have to convince Magikarp to return to its Pokeball before they could return home.
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Old 02-20-2010, 12:51 AM
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Default Re: A Day at Bumble Beach

Sec begged me and groveled asked me to grade this. I'll have the grade up by tomorrow. :3

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Old 02-21-2010, 07:26 AM
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Default Re: A Day at Bumble Beach

I almost forgot about this D: That's what happens when I'm playing Phantom Hourglass and anticipating Solitary 4.0 and FMA: Brotherhood. I almost fell asleep when I was reading your story 'cause it was almost midnight. xD;

Plot: It was pretty simple, maybe a bit too simple for the Pokémon you’re going for. The main essence of the plot is that Max buys a Magikarp, the Magikarp is defeated, and now he has to find it. It’s a simple plot, and as I was reading, I found you could have done better if you had elaborated on some minor things. For example, Max seems to like Julie and battled to not only show off his new Pokémon but to impress her. More information on their relationship and how this embarrassing situation developed would have done wonders for the story. Many times, simple plots can be ignored if character development and interaction is there. Yes, it might not be a Harry Potter saga, but what that author has written was more than enough to engage the reader in a simple, but enjoyable story. This is particularly useful for when you want to go for some Simple Pokémon and don’t want to build this extravagant plot.

What you want to avoid is having a simple story, simple characters, and not-so simple Pokémon that you are trying to capture.

Introduction: A nice, simple start with describing the scene, the characters, and what they were doing there. For a simple story like this, it’s perfectly fine. I did think you could have revealed the background information that they were staying at Kevin’s beach house, that it was spring break, and all that good stuff bit by bit instead of all at once. There’s nothing wrong with how you decided to present the information, but it didn’t necessarily leave anything for the reader to guess. Really, that sentence was your introduction and the rest was just filler. Keep in mind that part of the introduction’s job is to interest the reader enough to keep them reading. If you reveal everything in one shot, that’s one less reason to keep on reading because we already who they are, what they are doing there, and so on.

Grammar/Spelling: You had numerous typos in your story that told me you didn’t exactly take the time to proofread (the whole story, not just the first part). First, some simple corrections:

Max was about 5 feet and 8 inches tall,
Always write out numbers below “100”.

“Hey Jules,”
A comma is needed before “Jules” because you always put a comma before the name of the person that is being addressed.

- You also called Max “Sec” at the beginning of the second post.

- As I was reading, I got the feeling that you really like to use semi-colons a lot. It felt that I would read one sentence with a semi-colon and then another one a few seconds later. Use them sparingly, so it doesn’t feel redundant.

Length: Okay.

Description/Detail: It was alright, but the description bounced from excellently described to no description at all. Honeyglade Forest was pictured pretty well, but when it came down to the Pokémon and minor characters such as Max’s friends, they just faded into the very-nicely-described background. Even if they aren’t that important, you can’t just mention them but never give at least some ounce of detail as to who they are. They may not be main characters, but they’re not people Max would simply walk past by on a busy day in the city, either.

Also, when you described Max and Julie, it was in one blurb of detail. Spread the description around so it doesn’t look like the sign-up form for a Role Play. Describe through actions, such as when Julie flicks her hair out of her face or Max straightens his clothes after jumping out of the car.

Battle: Yeah, Magikarp only knows Splash and Tackle, but that doesn’t mean it can’t retaliate in some other way. Magikarp can swim out of the way, dive to avoid attacks, and slap opponents with its tail. Next time, don’t just write off a Pokémon out of a battle simply because their attacks are weak. Pokémon are animals, and just like animals, they can dodge and devise ways to escape or attack.

Combee’s battle against Croagunk was better, especially since Combee’s move pool is limited. Combee’s actual reason for attacking was a bit vague, though. You said it was because its territory was being invaded but in what way? Did Max accidentally get too close to a hive? Was he near the trees Combee was feeding from? More clarification would have been nice.

Outcome: Very simple plot, which would have been fine if you weren’t going for three Pokémon. I’ll say, Magikarp and Combee captured! I felt you just added Croagunk at the end because your story turned out longer than you had anticipated. The plot and level of description wasn’t enough to snag it. If you want Croagunk, go back and improve the plot in some way. You can either add something new, elaborate on something that’s already there, or something else. I’m not asking for any detailed and elaborate add-ons. Just make it so that the plot isn’t simply: “Max buys a Magikarp, Magikarp gets thrown into forest, and Max has to go find it.” PM me for a re-grade when you’re ready!

- Kat

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