Member List
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

Thread Tools
Old 02-07-2010, 04:04 AM
Pokémon Partner's Avatar
Pokémon Partner Offline
Master Trainer
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Hearthome, Sinnoh
Posts: 370
Send a message via AIM to Pokémon Partner
Default A Magikarp Memory

The wind howled outside as lightning flashed and thunder boomed before it all happened again, scaring a boy 7-year-old boy as hid cowardly inside of his grandfather’s attic from where he was spending the night while his parents went away on a business trip. All the while, he found himself looking over all of the objects light up as the lightning flash one again, showing the ages that passed by since anyone was there. Many of the objects had a layer of dirt on them that was easily quarter to half-inch deep and many of the items seems to be broken because the passage of time could no longer keep them how they were supposed to be, but downstairs his grandfather was calling for him.

“Matthew!” he called out his voice barely able to make it through the dense floor and over the thunder, “Come on out, Matt, for Pawpaw?” However, he voice soon faded again, which meant that he went to another room as Matthew slowly crawled over to where he pulled up the hidden stairwell only to discover that it was stuck.

“PAWPAW!” he cry out, which was quickly reverberated by the boom of thunder, “I’m up here!” but it didn’t seem to work as he attempt to fight the thing only to discover that something had jammed it. In his struggle, however, something hit his foot that followed by the sound of glass breaking and Matthew started to cry louder than before, attempting to get his grandfather to come back.

“Matthew where are you?!” he called out, obviously back in the same area of the house before looking at the ceiling, “Are you up there?!”

“PAWPAW!” he shouted once again, “I’m scared and this…AHHH!” the thunder boomed, scaring him, “PAWPAW!” he started to cry out to her thumping of something on the floor of the attic. Eventually, the stairwell started to move and the little boy was able to get it to come down along with a small piece of paper and a few shards of shattered glass, but Matthew was, fortunately, unharmed. Although, his fiery red T-shirt and dark midnight blue pants had gather quite a collect of dust that he stirred up while in the attic, and his earthy brown hair wasn’t in any better shape. To be completely honest, whole body seemed to also have collected the years worth of dust that gather in there as he rushed to hug to his grandfather.

“It’s okay,” his grandfather, who had the marking of age all around his face and eyes along with gray, fading hair that seemed to shine in the light of the room and even reflect the lightning that was happening outside on occasion. “You’re just not used to being alone during a storm like this, now lets get you cleaned up and put something in that belly of yours,” he stated while gently caressing his grandson, “How does tomato soup with grilled cheese sound.”

However, Matthew had started to cry, “I want Mom and Dad,” he sobbed, tears flooding onto his grandfather’s golden yellow shirt, leaving darken patches scattered upon it, like the sun being blocked by the clouds. “Why did they have to leave?”

“I know it’s hard, but it’ll get easier as the day pass by,” the thunder boomed outside as the wind gained speed and started to howl even louder than even as though there was a train nearby, which only served to counteract the grandfather’s words and leave Matthew even more scared, “Come on, lets get that dust off of you.”

“O-okay,” the boy sobbed, following his grandfather, who picked up the paper and placed it in the pocket of his pants, which seemed to match the color of the pitch-black sky whenever the lightning decided to take a rest. Only problem, as far as Matthew was concern, it didn’t take that long of a rest before reappearing once again, and it still kept going while Matthew was in the tub, making his grandfather’s job rather troublesome.
“It’s okay, just think of what you do with you parents when it’s like this,” he stated in a poor attempt to soothe him, “Don’t you tell stories?” He took a cupful of water and poured it over Matthew’s hair, which seemed to have responded by becoming a curtain in front of his eyes.

Matthew nodded while moving the hair out of his eye and scrubbing himself, soon he was clean and out of the tub, but, while he was getting dressed, a loud boom echoed throughout the house, which resulted in Matthew rushing off, wearing just his underwear, to the kitchen table, almost knocking over a bowl in his dash to get underneath. “I want Mom and Dad!” he demanded once again, scared and shivering as the water left from his skin, taking heat with it, but his grandfather looked at the clock and told him after dinner while handing Matthew his clothes.

“Now, come on and eat, please?” he asked, “We’ll eat under the table, okay?”

Matthew just nodded and started to eat once both of them were under the table, but then his grandfather pulled out the piece of paper. On it was an old, yellowed out photograph of a young boy, no older than Matthew was. The boy seemed to be proudly holding up a fish that appeared to be about half of the young boy’s size from, head to tail, the more Matthew looked at the picture, the more he wondered who was in it until he finally asked his grandfather, “Who is that, Pawpaw?”

“That me,” he chuckled, “It was a long time ago, but it was the first time I caught anything using a Rod. You know, I remember it being stormy that day, much like it is now,” a boom of thunder echoed as Matthew jumped in his spot, almost spilling what was left of his soup on himself, “You see, I remember going out to lake that used to be nearby here, I’m sure it still is. Maybe I’ll take you there to see if l’il Karpy’s still there, but I’ll get to him later. Anyways, I would always go to this lake, it was the most magical thing that I’ve even seen, regardless of how the rest of the world that day, it would always shimmer, at least to me, and I would sit down and throw my line out into it.

Usually, I would get something silly like a clump of water grass or a cattail or two, but just sitting, their watching my bobber going up and down would always make me happy. Whenever, I would head out to the lake, my father, your Great Pawpaw, would say something like, ‘You’re spending too much time out there, why don’t you go hang out with all of the other boys and girls?’ However, I would just ignore him and keep going to the lake, but one day it got cloudy and the water became…” he paused, attempting to think of a good word, “You know how you usually make those waves in the tub to get you boat to sink?”

Matthew nodded.

“That’s basically how the water was like, but I know one being out there that would defend me if I said that the wave didn’t stop me from fishing that day because I still went out fishing that day. However, I actually hooked something worthwhile, that Magikarp in that picture, but it didn’t come up to the surface that easily, oh-no. It gave me quite a struggle, almost pulling me into the lake a few time until I drug my heels into the ground with all that could, but it still seemed to be unwilling to let me bring it in until it just suddenly stopped.”

“What happened?” Matthew asked.

“Well, when I pulled it onto shore, it was still flopping around like crazy, but I could see those rings that are around 6-pack cans around it, chocking the poor thing. However, every time I got close to it, the darned thing just started to flop faster and harder, but eventually, I was able to soothe the thing. Soon the thunder started to boom in the air before my parents started to call out for me, but I wasn’t going to let it just die there. Instead, I dealt with its tail whacking me in the chest as I fought the squirmy thing in an effort to get the rings off him, but he didn’t seem to understand until I started to pull on them with as much strength as I had. Eventually, the rings started to slip until they…

Target PKMN: Magikarp
Goal Chars: 3,000 to 5,000
Actual Chars (Spaces): 7,748
Actual Chars (No Spaces): 6,325
Capture Method: Removal of rings --> Friendship

Thank you, Shy, for the avatar and banner.

Last edited by Pokémon Partner; 02-13-2010 at 03:58 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 02-13-2010, 03:11 AM
Phantom Kat's Avatar
Phantom Kat Offline
ˇCon ganas!
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: In my strretchy pants
Posts: 5,018
Send a message via AIM to Phantom Kat Send a message via MSN to Phantom Kat
Default Re: A Magikarp Memory

Plot: Wow, to be completely honest with you, that was the best plot for a Magikarp I have read in my two and half years of being a grader. It was very cute, and it reminded me of when I was kid and used to be all jumpy (I was afraid of trains, though). Matthew was a very believable character and acted just like any other kid who’s afraid of thunder would. It’s a good fresh breath of air after reading so many Magikarp stories of cocky, young trainers hell-bent on snagging some awesome Pokémon. The grandfather also added a touch of cuteness to the story, what with him comforting his grandson and all with a story of the old days. XD

Overall, a perfect little plot for Magikarp, and I have absolutely no complaints in this area.

Introduction: Nice way to bring us into the story there. It had some mystery flair that set the mood for Matthew’s fear of thunder. I do wish, however, that you would have added Matthew’s description earlier on rather than when he got out of the attic. It wasn’t necessary to keep his appearance a secret, so in this case, the sooner we know what he looks like, the better.

Grammar/Spelling: While I saw now glaring spelling mistakes, your grammar, or more precisely, the way you word and organize your sentences, was very bad. There are numerous things that made your sentences hard and awkward to read, so I’ll point each instance out individually.

Number One: Too much information stuff into one sentence. This was your biggest problem.

The wind howled outside as lightning flashed and thunder boomed before it all happened again, scaring a boy 7-year-old boy as hid cowardly inside of his grandfather’s attic from where he was spending the night while his parents went away on a business trip.
At the beginning of the sentence, I get to find out that our main character is a seven-year-old boy (by the way, you write out any number below “100”), but right after that, you tell me that his parents are away. The next bit of information came way too fast, and it sounds out of place because it has nothing to do with the beginning of your sentence. Avoid putting too much information in one sentence like this. If you want to tell the reader something else and it doesn’t seem like it fits with your current sentence, end the first sentence and start a new one. Bigger sentences don’t always mean better writing.

Number Two: You are using the wrong tenses.

“PAWPAW!” he cry out, which was quickly reverberated by the boom of thunder,
It should be “cried out”. One or two instances where you forget the right tense isn’t bad, but your story had mistakes like these scattered all around, which made me read parts again so I wouldn’t be so confused.

Number Three: Incorrect use of commas.

“I know it’s hard, but it’ll get easier as the day pass by,” the thunder boomed outside…
The part “the thunder boomed outside…” has nothing to do with the dialogue beforehand, so that comma should be a period. If what follows after the dialogue isn’t something like “he/she said, asked, retorted, shouted,” and so on, you use a period, not a comma.

Other than that, you had small grammar mistakes all over your story, like missing apostrophes and commas. The best way to eliminate these mistakes is to go back to your story and read it over around two times. Reading your story aloud will also catch those awkwardly-worded sentences.

Length: Great.

Description/Detail: Awkward-wording aside, your description on the characters was very well done. Next time, though, elaborate on the description of the surroundings. I had no idea what the kitchen or the bathroom looked like, and the description of the attic, while okay, was vague. Even when the surroundings aren’t so important to the story, it’s important to give the reader a picture of what’s around them. If you don’t, your story is just talking characters in some description-less void.

Battle: There was no battle, per say, but the story was good enough to not need one. Plus, I think if you had added some flashback to detail the struggle against the Magikarp, your story would have lost the warm feeling I was getting as I read. This story isn’t meant to be about a man reliving his childhood. It’s supposed to be about a kid who is seeking comfort from his grandfather, and that’s exactly what you portrayed.

Outcome: Despite the mas o menos (so so) grammar, I’ll say Magikarp captured! Please proofread your next story more carefully and focus on splitting your sentences so that your information isn’t all jumbled up in a mess of letters and commas. Enjoy your Pokémon! :3

- Kat

(Banner by the epic Neo Pikachu) TAC Challenge: I'm learning Finnish! ^-^

My Author Profile | URPG Stats | Kat x Bryce
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 01:27 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: