Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #16  
Old 08-03-2008, 01:10 PM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkcowboy View Post
1. Sorry, its a bad habit.

2. I'm not the one doing that. In both of my fics, whenever i cut and paste in the thread, every thing like Poke Ball, Pokemon Center, or Vermillion City all comes out like PokeBall, PokemonCenter, and VermillionCity. I don't know why, but the forums like doing that to me.

3. Microsoft Word said it was wrong, and when i asked it for suggestions, "raised" was what it gave me.

Thanx for reading! ^^
1. Hehe, that's okay. We all have our bad habits.

2. Oh. That's weird! Alright, you're let off the hook. xD

3. Alright. I am probably wrong then! xD

No worries! It is my pleasure to be reading this.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-13-2008, 08:38 PM
Cobalt's Avatar
Cobalt Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 79
Send a message via MSN to Cobalt Send a message via Skype™ to Cobalt
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Chapter 4 – An Eggcellent Night!


Luke ran through the dense forest, looking in every direction. “Lanai!”

The sun was setting now, as a few golden rays shot across the sky one last time and disappeared. Every minute counted, because if Lanai got herself into a fight in her current state, she would be in bad shape.

“Luke, you’ve gotta stop for a minute! If you wear yourself out, you won’t have enough energy to find her!” Salem stopped and took a deep breath.

Luke looked back at Salem and glared. “We don’t have time to rest…” With that, Luke turned around and closed his eyes. Even standing behind him, Salem knew exactly what Luke was doing. The appendages on the sides of Luke’s head began to levitate. After a few seconds the appendages dropped, and Luke opened his eyes again. “She’s that way, and she’s already in danger,” Luke said pointing in the direction of Saffron City. “She’s near the retention pond being attacked by an Arbok!”

Luke began running again, north this time in the hopes that he could get there before the Arbok did something horrible. As they ran, Luke’s super-sensitive ears could already hear her trying to reason with the Arbok.

“Please, you can’t eat these eggs,” She cried.

“Ha. Thesssssse eggsss are mine now. I will do with them what I please,” the Arbok replied.

Lanai screamed loudly as the Arbok made his move.

“Shaan, stop this now,” another voice called. “When Rolland gets back, he’ll be furious!”
“Your mate doesss not scare me anymore. Now that I have evolved, I have all the power now!”

Luke had to get there quickly. It was getting darker. Luke’s racing mind stopped for a moment. Darkness was all he needed now. The shadows would fuel his Shadow Ball, and Shadow Claw attacks. “The forest can be a dangerous place for an Arbok all alone.”

“Who said that?!” Shaan looked all around bewilderedly.

Luke was in a good position to attack, but he wanted to play with this one a little while longer. Luke stayed quiet for a moment, while he moved. The Arbok, Lanai and now a Furret were all situated in the center of a clearing, around a pit with three eggs in it. Around the clearing, dense bushes and thick trees created good cover for Luke to hide behind.

After moving to a better place, Luke projected his voice loudly. “Does it matter? You’d better let my friends be.”

“Who are you?!”

“Your worst nightmare,” Luke called, launching a powerful fiery kick out of the nearby bushes. The Blaze Kick attack landed on the side of Shaan’s head, throwing him to the ground.

Shaan hissed as he stood himself up and opened his hood. “Nobody told me that Rolland had a lackey, looking after his business interesssssstss while he wasss gone!”

“Gotta admit, Shaan, I’m new in town. I have no idea what you’re talkin’ about,” Luke said with a wink and a grin, just before charging up his right hand. “You look drained. Maybe a good electrical charge’ll get your juice flowin’,” Luke yelled as he rammed an electrically charged fist into the side of the Arbok’s face.

“I’ll get those eggsssssss eventually,” Shaan hissed before slithering away.

Luke watched as he left, and grinned to himself. “That was too easy.”

Lanai, who had been hovering next to the Furret, was now trying to comforting her. “It’ll be okay, Min. Trust me.”

The forest was getting colder; another sign that winter was coming. Pokemon like Shaan would be going into hibernation… at least that was Luke’s hope. He didn’t know if Salem had noticed but he was getting weaker. A fight right now would be a bad thing, considering he’d already exerted too much energy for his own good.

Slowly, Luke moved over to a tree and sat down near the trunk as Lanai brought Min over to meet him.

“Min, this is Luke. He’s a powerful Lucario and he’s been watching over me these last couple of days,” Lanai explained to her.

“I’m very pleased to meet you Luke,” Min said timidly.

Luke nodded and looked around. “Where is your mate; Rolland was it? Isn’t it his responsibility to look after your eggs?”

Min looked down into the grass and a tear ran down her cheek. “I don’t know where he is. He went out to hunt for food one morning and never came back, and I’ve only been able to wonder what’s happened to him. When that vicious Arbok came along asking for the eggs, I had a feeling that he’d done something with my Rolland.”

Lanai looked at Luke and then back at Min. “That’s terrible.”

“So Rolland was the leader of all the forest Pokemon then,” Luke asked.

Quietly Min nodded. “I don’t know what to do. It’s a miracle in itself that your friend came along.”

Luke surveyed the surroundings. “My friends will stay and look after the eggs with you, and I’ll follow that snake back to his hideout and see what he’s got goin’ on there. We’ll only stay until the eggs hatch though.”

Min happily threw her tiny arms around Luke’s waist. “Oh thank you so much! I can’t tell you how much this means to me. I promise the eggs only have a few more days to hatch.”
Luke stood up and stretched his arms. “Well, I guess I’d better get to following him.”

“How will you find him? He’s probably long gone by now,” Lanai asked.

“You’d be amazed at the things I can do with the Aura inside me,” Luke said with a grin and a wink.

Suddenly, she didn’t feel all that uneasy. There was something comforting about Luke’s smile.

“I oughta be back in about a day or so. Salem is in charge here; you listen to what he says. He’s young, but he knows what he’s doing.”

Salem stood silently.

As Min and Lanai moved over to the nest and began chatting amongst themselves, Salem stepped over and folded his arms. “When were you gonna tell me?”

Luke looked at him quickly and looked away. “Tell you what?”

“That you’re sick.”

Luke looked down at his scabbed and skinned paws. “It’s none of your concern. Just look after the girls.” He turned an left, leaving Salem all alone with his thoughts.

Don’t be afraid. He’s a lot tougher than he looks. A voice echoed in his mind.

Quickly, Salem glanced over at Lanai who was staring at him thoughtfully. He’s dying Lanai, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

================================================== ====

Indigo Plateau

In the confines of a large trophy room, a young man stood staring at a portrait on the wall. It was a photo of the previous champion, Lance. A Lucario stood by his side.

Lance the Dragon Master stood at his side. “Just imagine, boy. Your name will go down in history along side of all the other champions that have ever reigned.

The young man’s cold stare turned to Lance.

“Shall we induct you into the hall of fame now?”

The young man nodded.

The Lucario laughed loudly. “You know, I’ve never served a champion before.”

“Ah, young Lucius, you’re in for a world of joy,” He said grinning. And together, you and I shall rule this miserable region.
__________________


You're a dummy head. :3
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-14-2008, 04:36 AM
k_pop's Avatar
k_pop Offline
PE2K Website Staff
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Anybody seen my house?
Posts: 6,588
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Luke is sick!? O_O
No wonder you didn't let me read the chapter before you posted, I would have cyber-kicked you into a volcano!
I sure hope you have something in mind to keep him from dying. I really like this character.
Other than that shocking development, it was really good. Keep working on it.
*patiently waits for more*
__________________
avvie and banner from the awesome bff Gem ^^
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 08-15-2008, 12:25 PM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Quote:
Originally Posted by k_pop View Post
Luke is sick!? O_O
No wonder you didn't let me read the chapter before you posted, I would have cyber-kicked you into a volcano!
I sure hope you have something in mind to keep him from dying. I really like this character.
Other than that shocking development, it was really good. Keep working on it.
*patiently waits for more*

xD Haha, I don't think darkcowboy will like being cyber-kicked into a volcano!!

So, great chapter! I really love Luke! He is one awesome Lucario!! And like k-pop said...
HE'S SICK?!?!? HE'S DYING?!?! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! I hope he gets better! D:

I have one thing to criticize about this chapter, and that would be that when Shaan was attacked with the move that sent him slithering away, you didn't explain about how it seemed to injure him, or about how he withdrew from the situation to flee. He just kinda went from being attacked to slithering away. Maybe I am criticizing it wrong, but I just wanted to say that some parts of the story are a bit too fast-rolling.

But I did love this chappie, just like k-pop. And sorry about how I didn't see you post a new one till you told me!
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-26-2008, 07:41 AM
Cobalt's Avatar
Cobalt Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 79
Send a message via MSN to Cobalt Send a message via Skype™ to Cobalt
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Chapter 5 – Break In


Luke leapt from branch to branch, following the trail of Shaan’s aura. It wasn’t too hard to track the serpent. He left an Aura trail that a blind man could follow. It was almost as if he was… sleeping. Luke stopped on a tree branch and took one look back at the trail behind him.

A living thing gives off its aura the most when it’s asleep, or when its mind is inactive. The subconscious can’t control the aura given off when that creature is asleep or under… “mind control!” Luke almost shouted at himself. How could I have been so blind? It makes sense. Arbok are hunters, not scavengers. Shaan wanted those eggs for some other reason, and I’ve gotta find out why.
With one bound, Luke leapt to the ground, and began sprinting at a breakneck pace. The crisp night air stung his eyes as he picked up speed. The Aura trail led into a grove of trees along the side of the road across from the retention pond.

Stopping for a moment Luke studied the trees. The forest went on for miles and miles, all the way to another road land-marked by cliffs that dropped off right into the ocean.

Along this road there was another tree line that blocked a passerby’s view of what lay between the cliffs and the road. A small building that looked like a shack to the naked eye, but under it was a complex of rooms and air shafts. The remnants of a played out gold mine now converted into a secret base of some kind.

Luke opened his eyes and looked at the sky. Judging by the position of the moon and the stars, even running at top speed, he wouldn’t make it to the base until at least day break. There had to be an easier way to get there. He scanned the trees once again for any sight of Shaan, who couldn’t have gotten a head start.

Shaan was nowhere to be found. His Aura had even disappeared.

With a deep breath and a sigh, Luke started off into the trees trudging slowly, until he tripped over a root and landed face first on top of a white linoleum tile with a green diagonal square in the center. “What the hell is this,” Luke said to him self as he stood up on the tile and allowed his feet to touch the cold surface.

Suddenly, the world around him began to spin at a dizzying speed until it blurred into a mesh of colors. He felt as though he were being propelled through an alternate plane of space to another place. When his feet returned to the cold surface of the linoleum tile, he dropped to his knees clutching his stomach, trying to hold in the meal they had served him at the Pokemon Center in Vermillion City.

As Luke finally started to regain his bearings, he looked around and noticed that he was no longer surrounded by thick foliage, but now he was in front of a shack with a thick line of trees on one side and a steep drop-off which went right down to the ocean, on the other side.

He allowed himself to take in the surroundings before he tried to do anything too difficult with his brain. The world was still spinning, and thinking would only make it worse at the moment.

After letting his mind slow down, and his stomach settle, he started to make quick deductions about where he was. Standing up, he growled his discomfort slightly. “That was not pleasant.”

It was only then that he became fully aware of where he was. The shack was the same as the one he’d been studying through the Aura.

Luke took several steps back and took a deep breath. “This is the place,” he said to himself. He stepped over to the door, and attempted to push it open, but to no avail.

To the naked eye it appeared that a slight breeze would cave it in, but now that Luke examined it more closely, with the Aura guiding him, he could see that there was an iron door, with about six different locking mechanisms which were opened by a key-card and number panel. “And I thought Team Galactic was a push-over,” he said to himself with a slight grin.

Luke drew his arm back and held it, allowing time for all the electricity he could charge. When he felt as though he couldn’t hold the electric charge any longer, he drove his electrified fist into the console, sending a powerful electric charge into the door.

A series of whirs and clicks emitted from the door as it began to open and shut wildly in a fanatical malfunction.

Luke studied the door as it opened and shut in a rhythm that he was beginning to memorize. Luckily the door wasn’t just sporadically opening and closing, but instead it had timing. It seemed that the door would open for a second, and then shut half a second later. So I’ve got a half second window to jump through the insane door, and hope I don’t get smashed like a Tamato berry.

He calmed his mind, and waited for the opportunity. Quickly the opportunity arose, and Luke dove through the door, just barely getting his tail smashed in the door. “That would’ve been painful,” he mused as he turned around and stepped on the elevator.

It wasn’t too hard to operate since there were only two buttons, one with an arrow pointing up and an arrow pointing down. Almost instinctively, Luke pressed the down arrow, sending the elevator down in a slow groan as the equipment began to do its work. After three minutes of bad elevator music, the elevator stopped and the doors opened allowing him to see the next level of his adventure in the base.

He stepped out into a long corridor that ran side to side from the elevator, with two guards walking down the hall with their backs toward the elevator.

Silently, Luke leapt up and grabbed a hold of a pair of pipes, monkey-barring his way over to the two guards walking down the hall. As he did so, another guard rounded the corner down the hall, walking in the opposite direction of the other two.

Quickly, Luke dropped down behind the guards onto the cold metal floor, and looked up at the guard who was approaching them. Their eyes met for a brief moment, and then the guard pointed at Luke.

“Hey!”

The other two guards, aroused by the third guard, turned around just in time for Luke to grab them by the backs of their heads, and slam the two together with a thud. As the two unconsciously fell to the floor, the third guard turned and began sprinting down the corridor as fast as he could.

With a scoff, Luke turned and ran after him, effortlessly catching up to the frightened guard.

“Have mercy,” the guard squealed, as a blue bone-shaped staff formed in Luke’s hands.

“I’m fresh out,” Luke said coldly, swinging the staff down onto the man’s head which sent him reeling to the iron floor.

Luke turned and closed his eyes, holding his hand to his chest. He began to focus on Shaan’s Aura.

There was no trail, but the Aura was near by. The Aura could lead him to Shaan and any other Pokemon that were with him. Down the corridor, on the third left, leading down another corridor into a large storage facility, was where he found Shaan, and many other forest Pokemon from the surrounding area. They were in force cages, sleeping off the daily hypnosis of a Pokemon standing in the center of the room.

He had yellow fur all over, save for a white mane of fur around his neck. In his left hand he held a pendulum which arced back and forth, hypnotizing his victims. The Pokemon in the storage facility were under his command.

Luke began sprinting in the direction of the storage facility, in the hopes that he might be able to defeat the puppeteer, before he himself fell under the other Pokemon’s spell. He dashed through a multitude of corridors at full speed, until he reached the door that he was searching for. The door opened right up for him, as he slowed down to a halt.

The Hypno smiled at Luke as he entered cautiously. “Welcome. You’ve just successfully infiltrated a base that took my master thirteen years to build.”

Luke stopped and looked at the Hypno. It was he, who controlled the minds of the Pokemon. If he locked eyes with a person or Pokemon, they’d be under his control for as long as the pendulum swings. Shutting his eyes, Luke concentrated on the Aura around the Hypno.

As the pendulum began to swing, Luke leapt high into the air, hoping to land a kick and break the Hypno’s concentration. His kick was flawless as he slammed into a wall of absolutely nothing.

Luke’s eyes widened as he suddenly felt himself being suspended in mid-air by an unseen force. The Hypno’s Aura was unchanged, so he wasn’t exerting himself anymore than he had to, in order to control the minds of the other Pokemon. That was when the thought hit him.

Luke took a look around the room and noticed that one of the force cages were open, and its occupant was no longer inside. He’s making the Pokemon fight for him so that he can stay focused on controlling the others, Luke told himself.

An Alakazam appeared next to him in a flash of light. “You’ll deal with me now!”

Luke was suddenly and violently flung across the room by invisible hands, sending him careening into the bucket of a nearby front-end loader.

Clamoring out of the bucket, Luke cursed as another tractor sailed at him from the other side of the room. He put as much distance between himself and the two tractors as possible as the machine collided with the other front-end loader.

Luke had begun planning his strategy ever since the psychic Pokemon came on the scene. It was obvious that a frontal assault on either Hypno or Alakazam would be more than just futile; it would be suicide. Alright. So far, it looks like Hypno’s ability to fight is hindered by his need to concentrate in order to keep the other Pokemon in line. If I break his concentration, the Pokemon will be free. The only problem is standing right in front of me.

Quickly he dove out of the path of a generator which had torn itself from the concrete floor, and cut a path leading right to where Luke’s head would have been had he not moved; instead the massive machine flew right by him, and raised a cloud of dust as it slammed into a pallet of concrete mix.

Standing up, Luke turned and ran in the direction of Hypno, his plan formulated. Luke stopped right in front of the preoccupied Hypno and watched as an aluminum scaffolding went flying in his direction.

The plan was working perfectly; better in fact. Luke dove to the ground once more, and rolled over in time to see the scaffolding slam into the exact spot where Hypno had been standing. The impact knocked loose an aluminum bracket on a crate behind Hypno; which in turn let loose of at least forty or so large lead pipes which crashed down onto the mess.

Luke rose to his feet again and grinned to himself. “That, as they say, is that.” He gave the room the once over, searching for Alakazam, but didn’t find any trace of the psychic Pokemon. After using his ability to sense Aura to search for Hypno, he also soon discovered that the Psi Pokemon was also long gone.

After cursing to himself silently, he began to release the other Pokemon from their holding cages. Soon they were all gathered in the center of the room buzzing with curiosity.

Luke stepped up onto one of the toppled tractors that had been used as a projectile earlier. “Quiet down everybody. I know you’re all confused and wonderin’ what’s goin’ on. There’ll probably be somebody comin’ to check out what just happened here so everybody be on your guard.”

“There aren’t many guards here! The humans abandoned this place a week ago and left about six guards,” a Meowth called out loudly.

Luke looked at the crowd of faces and nodded. “Alright then. Before we go, I have to ask. Are there any Arbok or Furret among you?”

After a few moments Shaan’s familiar face appeared above the crowed. “Here and I have a friend right here that is a Furret!”
Luke nodded and motioned the two to the front. “C’mon up here, I wanna have a talk with the two of you.”

As they did so, the other Pokemon murmured curiously as Luke spoke with Shaan.

“Hello again, Shaan,” Luke said with a slight grin.

“Do I know you,” he asked raising what could only be determined as an eyebrow.

“I’ll explain later. Right now, I need to know about the eggs you guys were stealing,” Luke said quickly, as he glanced at the door.

“There’s not much to tell. We were captured by those fiends, and then we were taken under control by Hypno. When we became too tired to do what it was he made us do, he would free us long enough to sleep. That’s when I found out that we were stealing eggs. I overheard one of the human’s talking about it several nights ago. He said the eggs were being held in an incubation facility in the city to the north of our forest.”

Luke nodded. “That’s more info than I had before. Right now, let’s get you guys outta here, and back to your homes.” He looked at the Furret who stood about the same height as he did. “And you must be Rolland.”

The Furret nodded. ”I am, but how do you know who I am?”

Luke gestured toward the group of Pokemon that stood around them. “I don’t see any other Furret among them. Besides, your mate is worried sick about you.”

“Min. You’ve seen her? Is she okay?”

”Yes, I have. She’s just fine. A little shaken up though. An…” Luke glanced at Shaan for a moment. He saw no need to bring him into this if he wasn’t at fault, “unknown attacker tried to make off with her eggs. The eggs are just fine though, and I’m sure the attacker was under Hypno’s control.”

Rolland glanced at Shaan as well. It was apparent that he had an idea. “I’ll harbor no grudge if he was under Hypno’s control.”

“One thing’s for sure. That damned Hypno has a lot to answer for if they ever find him.”

Rolland nodded. “If it’s all the same to you Lucario, I’d like to get home to Min.”

Luke took a moment to make his next plan. “I suppose since there’s no guards, we could walk right out the front door. The only loose end after that would be the getting the eggs back to their parents.”

“The longer we delay, is more precious time we loose,” Rolland said forcefully.

“Alright. Let’s go then,” Luke said. “Hey! Everybody follow me, I know the way to an exit on the cliff face near the ocean,” Luke announced. As he made his way to the exit of the room, the drove of Pokemon began to follow.

Soon after that, they had made their way to the exit and were heading home. All except Shaan who insisted upon apologizing to Min after Luke had related their past skirmish to him.

================================================== ====

Min and Lanai had quickly fallen asleep while Salem stood guard over the girls and the nest. It had been almost a whole day since Luke had gone after Shaan. There wasn’t much to do but pace around anxiously and hope Luke wasn’t lying out there somewhere dying.

What could it be that he had? What if his illness flared up in some way and gave Shaan the advantage over him? These were all questions that were running through his mind as a paw touched his shoulder causing him to jump.

“Worried so easily,” Luke asked with a quick grin.

“A little,” Salem replied glancing over Luke’s shoulder to see Shaan and a Furret standing behind him. “What’s he doing here?”

Luke held up a hand to stop Salem from jumping to conclusions. “He’s cool. We had a long talk on the way back. I would’ve gotten back sooner but they sabotaged the damned teleport thingy.”

Salem shot Luke a quizzical glance about the “teleport thingy” but decided against asking. It probably had something to do with something else that Luke couldn’t explain or understand.

Long after Rolland and Shaan had fallen asleep, Luke and Salem sat on the branch of a tree limb, staring at the full moon. “We’re gonna have to go to Saffron City real quick, and take care of somethin’ there.”

Luke had explained to him about how the eggs were stolen by Team Rocket, and were being stored in the city to the North called Saffron.

Have you ever been there?” Salem asked.

Luke smiled slightly. “That’s a question for another day. I’m gonna go to sleep. I’ll see ya in the mornin’ okay?”

Salem nodded. Good night brother.
__________________


You're a dummy head. :3

Last edited by Cobalt; 10-03-2008 at 01:25 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #21  
Old 09-26-2008, 08:16 AM
k_pop's Avatar
k_pop Offline
PE2K Website Staff
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Anybody seen my house?
Posts: 6,588
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Finally! ^^
Just kidding. I've already talked with you about it so you know that I really like it!
I feel kinda bad for Salem standing there waiting that whole time, worrying about Luke. It's gotta suck knowing that something's wrong but not knowing what.
The battle was really good by the way. And like I told you before, your description is a lot better in this one.
Anyway, keep it up dc! ^^
*patiently waits for more*
__________________
avvie and banner from the awesome bff Gem ^^
Reply With Quote
  #22  
Old 09-29-2008, 12:02 PM
Cobalt's Avatar
Cobalt Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 79
Send a message via MSN to Cobalt Send a message via Skype™ to Cobalt
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

I'd really appreciate to hear from y'all. so don't be afraid guys, c'mon 'n' tell me what y'all think.
__________________


You're a dummy head. :3
Reply With Quote
  #23  
Old 10-02-2008, 11:48 AM
Graceful_Suicune's Avatar
Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
 
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Ashley's pants
Posts: 4,886
Send a message via AIM to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Yahoo to Graceful_Suicune Send a message via Skype™ to Graceful_Suicune
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Great job on this. Like k-pop said, more descriptive, and I really liked the whole "Hypno hypnotizing the Pokemon" thing. Creative.

There are still minor things that I have to crit you on.

The comma thing. You are still, in some sentences (not all) putting a comma instead of a question mark, full stop, etc.

“Worried so easily,” Luke asked with a quick grin. <Like here. You should have put a "?" instead of a ",".

“Have you ever been there?” Salem asked. <But here, you did put a "?". Kudos.

The next thing you did a few times. You needed to add an extra comma in this sentence:
Stopping for a moment Luke studied the trees. <There should be a comma after "moment".

Next thing is that every time a character is talking to her/himself, you should make that clear with italics or something. You usually do, but not this time:
So I’ve got a half second window to jump through the insane door, and hope I don’t get smashed like a tamato berry.
This was a thought, no? I assumed so, but there is no indication of it being Luke's thought.
Also, correct me if I am wrong, but I think that "tamato" should be capitalized.

Next is your Pokemon plurals. When talking about more than one Pokemon, you never put an "s" on the end. Fifteen Breloom, and ninety-five thousand Octillery. Never put an "s" on the end.

Pokemon types must be capitalized as well.

One last thing:
Quickly the opportunity arose, and Luke dove through the door, just barely getting his
tale smashed in the door. <This should be "tail". And maybe you should have had a comma after "Quickly"?

But, overall, I enjoyed reading it (like always) and it covers a lot of information. :D

~Xanthe.
__________________
Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.
Reply With Quote
  #24  
Old 10-02-2008, 03:56 PM
Cobalt's Avatar
Cobalt Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 79
Send a message via MSN to Cobalt Send a message via Skype™ to Cobalt
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Graceful_Suicune View Post
Great job on this. Like k-pop said, more descriptive, and I really liked the whole "Hypno hypnotizing the Pokemon" thing. Creative.

There are still minor things that I have to crit you on.

The comma thing. You are still, in some sentences (not all) putting a comma instead of a question mark, full stop, etc.

“Worried so easily,” Luke asked with a quick grin. <Like here. You should have put a "?" instead of a ",".

“Have you ever been there?” Salem asked. <But here, you did put a "?". Kudos.

The next thing you did a few times. You needed to add an extra comma in this sentence:
Stopping for a moment Luke studied the trees. <There should be a comma after "moment".

Next thing is that every time a character is talking to her/himself, you should make that clear with italics or something. You usually do, but not this time:
So I’ve got a half second window to jump through the insane door, and hope I don’t get smashed like a tamato berry.
This was a thought, no? I assumed so, but there is no indication of it being Luke's thought.
Also, correct me if I am wrong, but I think that "tamato" should be capitalized.

Next is your Pokemon plurals. When talking about more than one Pokemon, you never put an "s" on the end. Fifteen Breloom, and ninety-five thousand Octillery. Never put an "s" on the end.

Pokemon types must be capitalized as well.

One last thing:
Quickly the opportunity arose, and Luke dove through the door, just barely getting his
tale smashed in the door. <This should be "tail". And maybe you should have had a comma after "Quickly"?

But, overall, I enjoyed reading it (like always) and it covers a lot of information. :D

~Xanthe.

I agree with everything except one thing. First the Tamato berry. <.< someone told me that you're supposed to capitolize the names of berries, and everywhere I've ever seen it, the name of the berry is capitolized.

Thanx for reading! I always love getting comments from you and Kris! ^^

EDIT: Also, about the Italicizing. >< It's something that I had italicized, but forgot to take care of, when I posted it.
__________________


You're a dummy head. :3

Last edited by Cobalt; 10-03-2008 at 01:19 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #25  
Old 10-03-2008, 12:48 AM
k_pop's Avatar
k_pop Offline
PE2K Website Staff
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Anybody seen my house?
Posts: 6,588
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Quote:
Originally Posted by darkcowboy View Post
I agree with everything except one thing. First the Tamato berry. <.< someone told me that you're supposed to capitolize the names of berries, and everywhere I've ever seen it, the name of the berry is capitolized.

Thanx for reading! I always love getting comments from you and Kris! ^^
Dude, I think she was telling you to capitalize it. ^^'
__________________
avvie and banner from the awesome bff Gem ^^
Reply With Quote
  #26  
Old 10-03-2008, 12:53 AM
Cobalt's Avatar
Cobalt Offline
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 79
Send a message via MSN to Cobalt Send a message via Skype™ to Cobalt
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Quote:
Originally Posted by k_pop View Post
Dude, I think she was telling you to capitalize it. ^^'
O.O Sorry! XD I was skimming over it, and somehow i put "not supposed to be capitalized" together. XD I'll go back and capitalize it.
__________________


You're a dummy head. :3
Reply With Quote
  #27  
Old 11-26-2008, 03:11 AM
Gem N Ems's Avatar
Gem N Ems Offline
Kage no Hikari.
 
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: In my own world.
Posts: 6,807
Send a message via AIM to Gem N Ems Send a message via MSN to Gem N Ems Send a message via Skype™ to Gem N Ems
Default Re: Tales of a Nomad

Nice story, Dan! ^^

Just a few things that Xanthe mentioned. A name should be capitalised, true, but I disagree with the whole 'Poke Ball' thing. I usually just write 'pokeball' anyway.

With the berries, they're a fruit, right? Like we have strawberries and watermelon. These don't have capitalisations, but I guess it's your choice if you want to put a capital on tamato berry.

The whole Pokemon thing with the plurals is another rule. I personally don't like using 's' at the end of a name. Eg. A group of Pikachu. But again that's your decision.

I did notice that comma/question mark thing! It's VERY confusing. So please, if it's a question, try putting a '?' at the end instead of a comma.

Other than that, it's pretty much fine. You could use a bit more description in places, but it's not bad.

Good job! ^_^
__________________

Team StormRiders is BACK. Read it here!
.......................--> art duo with: Xanthe | bff: k_pop |
Links
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 01:05 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com