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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 10-08-2008, 08:19 PM
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Default The Pe2k version of the office

Ok this is a story were I will mix in members of pe2k I have seen this on smaller forums and hope it will work on here,,,

Leave a comment


"Ok newbies Line up" yelled neo at the newbies in the waiting room,

"Follow me" and that they did like a heard of sheep's they followed him.

"Ok this is the first floor were we do all of the trading and keep the people that have nothing to do", In that weary moment Jack walked by and said "Hey now have you seen my crossword puzzle?"

"Did you check your shirt pocket?" Neo replied

"No, why would I do that?" Jack answered,,,

"O my freaking god just do it" cried neo,

"O my lord, how did you know it was there!!!" Jack squealed,,,

"I'm Psychic" Neo said with a sarcastic tone in his voice.

"If you look into that crammed corner you see the RPG section"
Neo said" suddenly one of the newbies raised his hand
"What" asked neo,
"Why don't you get a bigger office for the RPG since it's so crowded?"

"Good question,,, see the reason is that we had a budget cut last summer and we had to pick between a new coke machine, I know a larger RPG office would have brought in more money,,, but at the time the coke machine seamed a better option, but enough of this if we travel to the 6th floor we can find the Battling center" neo said
then one of the newbies asked " why don't we visit floors 2, 3, 4, and 5?"

"Because these are the really unpopular NetBattle Leagues, plus the people that hang there are really "off""
Sarah said while walking towards them "Hi I am Sarah, OBEY ME"
But as soon as she let go of the words she heard a lot of yelling

"O my god Britney would totally pawn Rihanna" Libra shouted and pushed Soda "O no you didn't" Soda said while snapping his fingers,,

While storming over there Sarah yelled, "O my god I just stopped you guys from arguing about if red was the new pink, and Soda I don't have to remind you of that thing last week when you claimed a 1$ was the new 100$ in the cafeteria, you remember how that ended? Do I have to remind you? well I'll do it anyway, Rust attacked you with a knife, poor rust he's a mess since he was put on kitchen managing"

"Were sorry" they both said, but while walking away Soda whispered "Coke light is the new coke"
And then Libra attacked soda and Sarah went running.

"Ok follow me to floor number 6" Neo said,
When they reached floor number 6 they heard the song Keeps Getting Better in a weary high volume,

"Not again" neo mumbled,
And kicked up the door on the room marked Charizard Academy, in there was Angela singing along and dancing around
"Turn it off!!!" Neo yelled

"I can't hear, you want me to turn it up?" Angela yelled
While turning it up,

"No down!!!!" Neo yelled,

"whats that about a frown?" Angela asked,
"Wait I'm gonna turn this down so I can hear you" she turned the volume down,

"Angela this is the 6 time in 3 days, the members of Viewer Discretion Advised are threatening to move to another company if this does not stop", Neo said

"All right I'll keep the volume down" Angela said.

"Ok, follow me to the 7 floor where the all of our gossip bloggers are gossiping all day".........

To be continued,,,,,

Ok, The newbies are bunch of members just joining Pe2k and Neo(the GMod) is giving them a tour showing them the building(the forum)
Jack is: Jack of Clovers (the Gmod), he has nothing to do and is hanging around in the Trading Area doing crosswords puzzles,
And then we have PokemonTrainerSarah (the Gmod) she's moderating.
Then Libra and Soda enter they are having a argument basicly about nothing important and Sarah stops them or at least tries, Then I enter the story,, And there is some mentioning of Rust the moderator,

6th floor is the battling center we have here the 1st floor is the trading center and the URPG section, and floor number 7th is the other chat, and 2 3 4 5 is the NetBattle Leagues.

I'm sorry if you find this confusing, just ask if you need some explanations.
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Last edited by Angela; 10-08-2008 at 09:03 PM.
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  #2  
Old 10-08-2008, 08:40 PM
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Default Re: The Pe2k version of the office

K, leaving a comment.

Frankly, this was very bad. I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth, because I don't want to get your hopes up.

First off, run this through a spell checker, and break it up into paragraphs. One clunk of text like that isn't appealing to read.

Secondly, for your grammar. Make sure to capitalize proper nouns, and the beginning of sentences. Don't use internet phrases like "omg", it makes your story look unprofessional. I took the first couple lines in your "story" and corrected them.
Quote:
"Ok newbies Line up" yelled neo at the newbies in the waiting room, "follow me" and that they did like a heard of sheep's they followed him, "Ok this is the first floor were we do all of the trading and keep the people that have nothing to do", In that weary moment Jack walked by and said "Hey now have you seen my crossword puzzle?"
"Did you check your shirt pocket?" Neo replied "No, why would I do that?" Jack answered,,, "OMG just do it" cried neo, "OMG how did you know it was there!!!" Jack squealed,,, "I'm Psychic" Neo said with a sarcastic tone in his voice.
to
Quote:
"Okay, newbies, line up!" yelled Neo at the newbies in the waiting room. "Follow me," and that they did like, a herd of sheeps they followed him. "Okay, this is the first floor were we do all of the trading and keep the people that have nothing to do."

In that weary moment Jack walked by and said, "Hey now have you seen my crossword puzzle?"

"Did you check your shirt pocket?" Neo replied.

"No, why would I do that?" Jack answered.

"Oh my God, just do it!" cried Neo.

"Oh my God, how did you know it was there!?" Jack squealed.

"I'm psychic" Neo said with a sarcastic tone in his voice.
See how much more professional it looks?

Thirdly, add detail. I don't have a clear image of what's going on. Describe your characters, their surroundings, and their actions.

Honestly, you should go read some other stories on PE2K-- I have nothing against the Fan Fiction section, but when I look in there, most of the stories aren't that great. Read some stories in the URPG Stories, especially Phantom Kat, Tyranitar Trainer, Pokemon Trainer Sarah, Lord Celebi, and Daughter of Suicune's stories.

And this really wasn't my best, but if you post a story in the URPG Stories, I'll happily give more feedback.
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  #3  
Old 10-08-2008, 08:44 PM
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Default Re: The Pe2k version of the office

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michael View Post
K, leaving a comment.

Frankly, this was very bad. I'm not going to sugarcoat the truth, because I don't want to get your hopes up.

First off, run this through a spell checker, and break it up into paragraphs. One clunk of text like that isn't appealing to read.

Secondly, for your grammar. Make sure to capitalize proper nouns, and the beginning of sentences. Don't use internet phrases like "omg", it makes your story look unprofessional. I took the first couple lines in your "story" and corrected them.

to

See how much more professional it looks?

Thirdly, add detail. I don't have a clear image of what's going on. Describe your characters, their surroundings, and their actions.

Honestly, you should go read some other stories on PE2K-- I have nothing against the Fan Fiction section, but when I look in there, most of the stories aren't that great. Read some stories in the URPG Stories, especially Phantom Kat, Tyranitar Trainer, Pokemon Trainer Sarah, Lord Celebi, and Daughter of Suicune's stories.

And this really wasn't my best, but if you post a story in the URPG Stories, I'll happily give more feedback.
I have a story in the URPG section made it yesterday:D Ok I'll try to fix it up just check by later and see if I have made it more appealing,



EDIT I have edited it
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Last edited by Angela; 10-08-2008 at 09:02 PM.
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  #4  
Old 10-09-2008, 01:53 PM
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Default Re: The Pe2k version of the office

I knew this was going to scare me. First of all, instead of "Ok newbies line up are you ready torumble yah yah yah" or whatever, you should ADD MORE PUNCTUATION. And instead of OK, you might want to say Okay. Like so...

"Okay, newbies, line up! Are you ready to rumble? Yah yah yah..."

CAPITALIZE THEIR NAMES. That neo in the first sentence should be Neo, with a capital N.

TRY TO AVOID SLANG. "O" should be "Oh," words like "lol" should be avoided in the future.

MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES MAKE SENSE. "We had to choose between a coke machine..." ...And what? A Coke machine and WHAT!?!?

DESCRIBE THEIR SURROUNDINGS. They're in an office building...right? But we don't KNIW that! And how do they get to each floor? Uh, they ask that wizard guy from Final Fantasy to transport them there? I'm clueless. And is Neo a Pikachu, or a person, and what does everybody look like, and so on...

Also, no offense, but your grammar is ALWAYS kind of off...in your posts and in your story...
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  #5  
Old 10-09-2008, 04:46 PM
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Default Re: The Pe2k version of the office

Quote:
Originally Posted by Kendo View Post
I knew this was going to scare me. First of all, instead of "Ok newbies line up are you ready torumble yah yah yah" or whatever, you should ADD MORE PUNCTUATION. And instead of OK, you might want to say Okay. Like so...

"Okay, newbies, line up! Are you ready to rumble? Yah yah yah..."

CAPITALIZE THEIR NAMES. That neo in the first sentence should be Neo, with a capital N.

TRY TO AVOID SLANG. "O" should be "Oh," words like "lol" should be avoided in the future.

MAKE SURE YOUR SENTENCES MAKE SENSE. "We had to choose between a coke machine..." ...And what? A Coke machine and WHAT!?!?

DESCRIBE THEIR SURROUNDINGS. They're in an office building...right? But we don't KNIW that! And how do they get to each floor? Uh, they ask that wizard guy from Final Fantasy to transport them there? I'm clueless. And is Neo a Pikachu, or a person, and what does everybody look like, and so on...

Also, no offense, but your grammar is ALWAYS kind of off...in your posts and in your story...
How many time's do I have to explain to you that I'm from Iceland and speak Icelandic and my grammar will ALWAYS be off.
your grammar is not perfect either,

But I'll try to fix these things you pointed out to me.
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  #6  
Old 10-14-2008, 05:01 PM
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Default Re: The Pe2k version of the office

AAA double post I know



Chapter 2 PE2K office


previously on the Pe2koffice


We get to go on a tour with the newbies, meet some well known member and got to know 3 gmods:D

As our story begins again there has a week gone by and the newbies are settling in nicely, as we head to today's scene we go to the 3rd floor with a elevator and through a big door and into the big disgusting sticky floored room some say the most disgusting room in the whole building. Aka the Cafeteria

In the launch hall:

Daughter of Mew: "I'll have a hamburger a big coke light please" Mew orders

Rust: "Sorry hun I have only gotten these coke zeros" Rust says in a launch lady voice with a cigarette in his mouth poring soup on plates for the people in the line in front of mew "pssss is the sound as the ash from the cigarette falls into the soup"

Daughter of mew: "I would rather drink murky water from the rain yesterday then that crap, who is the cheap bastard that ordered in this month????" mew says in a angry voice.

Rust: "I know, you'll have to take this up with Ryan, those coke zeros give me a sore throat, it's like drinking nails, I still don't see why Ryan does not simply pay the 2 cents for the Coke lights" Rust says, "Psss" is the sound as some more ashes falls into the soup.

While drift is behind mew, she watches all the ash in the soup she can't say anything she so stunned.

Daughter of mew: "Who is Ryan?" she asks.

Rust: " Thats the guy who owns this place always trying to spare some money" "PSSSSSS" is the sound as he puts is cigarette out in the soup.

Drift: "Aren't you gonna throw that soup away? that is disgusting"

Rust: "Sorry hun, cafeteria rule, unless we find two hairs in it we are not throwing it away" says rust as he hands mew her burger.

Drift: "That's disgusting I'm going to PC's for lunch" she says as she storms out.

15 minutes go by.

And mew storms angrily towards Rust and cuts in the line.

Rust "No cutting in line sweetie"

Daughter of Mew: "I just found a hair in my burger" she says and throws it at the counter in front of Rust,
"Not only did I find one hair I found 4 hairs in 4 different colors and used bandage, and for some reason a snickers wrapper, I want my 1.50$ back.

"A bell rings"

Rust: "Sorry hun you'll have to take this with The shiny hunter I'm going on a break, union rules" rust walks away and shiny approaches the table.

The shiny hunter: "What can I do you for" shiny says in a sweet voice, as he looks at the burger she points to "sorry hun no refunds" shiny says in a lunch lady voice.

Daughter of mew: "What!!!" she screams, "I'm gonna take this above you I'm gonna get this place shut down" she yells as she storms out.

The shiny hunter: "There is nothing wrong with this" Shiny says as he puts the burger back on the shelf behind him.

30 minutes go by

Mew, Angela, moe2 and pokemontrainersarah storm in,

Sarah: "I have a complain list with over 25000 signatures asking that this dump will be closed down" she says and slams a list as thick as a phone book on the table "yes we got all those in only 5 minutes"

Rust: "Then why did it take you so long to come here" he asked while blowing his nose in his t-shirt.

Angela "We stopped for lunch at PC's, they have actually heard of the word hygiene" she said as she stroke the black counter seeing that under all that dust it was white. "click was the sound of the camera as she took some pictures around the cafeteria.

Moe2 "When was the last time you cleaned this place" asked Moe as a tile from the sealing feel down on a empty table.

Rust: "Ryan hired a maid in 2004, she only showed up once, she got a better job at PC's"

"Aaaa" was the sound Angela gave away when she opened the fridge "A rat and something green" she squealed.

Sarah: "You haven't cleaned since 2004!!!!" Sarah yelled.

Rust: "That is so not true" he said stunned "This place hasn't been cleaned since the cafeteria opened!" he proudly said.


Sarah "Oh my effing god, that's disgusting" she said and snapped her fingers.

Neo and Tyranitar_Trainer entered and grabbed Rust.

Sarah: "We are taking you to see Ryan, then you'll undergo a 248 hour seminar about health and hygiene"

Neo and T-trainer dragged Rust away.

Sarah: "Mew if you can get this place into a tip top shape you can be the launch lady, and you can spend as much money on the food" she said with a smile "Angela follow me" she said as she followed Rust.

And they left Mew in there cleaning.

To be continued...........
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Last edited by Angela; 10-14-2008 at 05:16 PM.
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  #7  
Old 10-14-2008, 07:02 PM
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Default Re: The Pe2k version of the office

I liek this so far and will continue to read.

Good job ;)
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  #8  
Old 10-14-2008, 09:30 PM
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Default Re: The Pe2k version of the office

Quote:
Originally Posted by The shiny hunter View Post
I liek this so far and will continue to read.

Good job ;)
OK good thank you
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