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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 09-24-2008, 05:35 PM
SaixPuppy's Avatar
SaixPuppy Offline
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Location: LOCATION? SOUNDS DELICIOUS! GIMMEE!
Posts: 352
Talking Tales of a Torchic

The great Torchic who lived over on the great hill of destiny had been making very many accomplishments. You might learn a thing or two from this Torchic. This Torchic was called Big Mama Torchic.

" Let's go to the mall little chicks!"

" Don't wanna Mama!

" Nonsense Flare!"

Flare:"Mama me and my sis Flame don't wanna go!"

" But Flare and Flame I gotta go pick up my perscription for my leather jacket that says
BIG MAMA on it."

Flare:"Mama we are an exploration team!

"So what! IF I WANT MY JACKET THEN I CAN GET IT! --deep voice--

Flame:"Waah! Fine we'll go. But after we will check the bulliten board for a job."

" Ok"

HALF A SECOND LATER

" Got the jacket!"

Flame:''Let's go!"

BUllITEN BOARD

JOB 1: PLEASE COME AND GIVE ME A ROCK CONCERT!
CLIENT: CATERPIE
PRIZE: ROCK STAR EQUIPMENT

Flare: Ohh! AWWWWWEEEEESSSSSOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMEEEEEE! A rock concert! Let's go!

2 SECONDS LATER

Flame: Here we are!

Mama Torchic: I call Electric Guitar!

Flame: I call Air Guitar!

Flare: I call Flame Guitar!

Mama Torchic: Let's call our band ROCK TORCHIC!

Flame and Flare: Yeah!

And ROCK TORCHIC sang their hearts out.

Everyone: Bam! kano ba da sae thats e day all thro the tow dooby cobbu doo.

The concert rocked out the Caterpies.

Everyone:BYE!

Flame: That was awesome! Let's get one more job!


BULLITEN BOARD

JOB 2: PLEASE SOMEONE COME AND GET ME OUT OF THIS HOLE!

CLIENT: WHO CARES
REWARD: JUST GET ME OUT!

JOB 3: TIME TO BECOME FAMOUS!
CLIENT: WEEDLE
REWARD: YA WANNA BE FAMOUS CLIMB UP POKE PEAK IN 1 SECOND TO EARN A SPOT IN THE WORLD RECORDS!


Flare: Job 2's client seems to be a grump let's let him rot and take job 3!

3 SECONDS LATER

Weedle: Here's some challengers! Welcome! What's your name?

Big Mama Torchic: I know who I am! I'm the dude playing the dude disguised as another dude!

Flame: I'm the dud!

Flare: I'm the dud2!

Weedle: Up the mountain you go!

Big Mama Torchic:--sniffs--YOUR A SCAM! Fire Blast!

Weedle:--burning--The burn!

Flame:YOUR A SCAM! DUD USES DUD FIRE BLAST!

Flare:YOUR A SCAM! DUD2 USES DUD2 FIRE BLAST!

Big Mama Torchic: Let's go from this scam site!

BULLITEN BOARD
JOB 4: I'M BORED GIVE ME A ROCK CONCERT

JOB 5: FIGHTING TOURNAMENT
CLIENT: DOJO MASTER SNORLAX

Last edited by SaixPuppy; 09-25-2008 at 01:02 PM. Reason: unfinished
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  #2  
Old 09-25-2008, 10:15 PM
Rekhyt's Avatar
Rekhyt Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,315
Default Re: Tales of a Torchic

Okay, for a start; do everybody a favour and don't rate your own fan fic. This most certainly does not deserve five stars and lying to everyone saying it does is seriously pathetic.

That said, this story is an extremely big improvement from your last and I'm glad you listened to some of the advice given to you. Unfortunately, you didn't read all of the advice given to you or you would've known not to post something that wasn't completely finished. According to your edit message, this work isn't finished and that isn't cool. I said it in your previous thread and I'll say it again; no one wants to read a story that isn't completely done. It's like going to a football match and leaving at half-time. You don't know the result and you're left feeling empty inside because it was a waste of time going to it. The same applies to reading this story.

Quote:
"Let's go to the mall little chicks!"
There shouldn't be a space after the first speech mark. Whoever taught you that was a terrible English teacher. Seeing as you've done it a hell of a lot in later sentences, I'm just going to leave it at that and you can fix the rest.

Quote:
"Don't wanna, Mama!"
You're addressing someone so you put in a comma and whoever was talking stopped talking there so you put in a speech mark to indicate that the little speech is over.

Quote:
"Nonsense, Flare!"
Missing the comma again.

Quote:
"Mama, me and my sis Flame don't wanna go!"

"But Flare and Flame, I gotta go pick up my prescription for my leather jacket that says BIG MAMA on it."

"Mama we are an exploration team!"
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. One second you're using speech marks and the next you switch to script formation? What's up with that? It makes absolutely no sense and you should never throw two separate styles of writing together. Keep it one way or the other because being grammatically incorrect isn't going to attract readers.

Also, you spelled prescription wrong.

Quote:
"So what! IF I WANT MY JACKET THEN I CAN GET IT! --deep voice--
What the hell are you on about, man? Deep voice? I honestly don't understand why you threw a few hyphens in there. Just state it normally:

Quote:
"So what? If I want my jacket then I can get it!" He replied in a deep voice.
It looks much better than incorrect grammar. I'll tell you that much.

I'm not touching the rest of the story because it just gets more ludicrous and crazy. Seriously, if you wanna write a story that people will want to read, learn how to use a Spellchecker. Read a couple of books and see how they're written. You're making silly grammatical mistakes that don't need to be made.

My biggest piece of advice would be to get a beta reader. Someone who can help you improve your story and make sure it's fit for the public to see. I'm sure that some people would risk making their eyes bleed to help you with your writing.

Wait until you post the next chapter. Make sure it's finished as well. No one wants to read something that's only half the quality it should be.

I don't see where you're going with the plot. One second the main characters are talking about getting leather jackets and the next they're rocking the joint filled with Caterpies because a bulletin board told them to. It doesn't sound like something a lot of people would want to read once they saw the way you write.

And where's the description? I know you're posting your writing on a Pokémon board, but some people may not know what a Torchic is. I admit that I got bored of only seeing speech marks and no real narration. In fact, I didn't have a clue as to where the hell they were. You've gotta make things like this clear, mate.

Just put more thought and care into your writing and you'll be okay.
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  #3  
Old 09-26-2008, 05:12 AM
SaixPuppy's Avatar
SaixPuppy Offline
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Posts: 352
Default Re: Tales of a Torchic

Quote:
Originally Posted by Rekhyt View Post
Okay, for a start; do everybody a favour and don't rate your own fan fic. This most certainly does not deserve five stars and lying to everyone saying it does is seriously pathetic.

That said, this story is an extremely big improvement from your last and I'm glad you listened to some of the advice given to you. Unfortunately, you didn't read all of the advice given to you or you would've known not to post something that wasn't completely finished. According to your edit message, this work isn't finished and that isn't cool. I said it in your previous thread and I'll say it again; no one wants to read a story that isn't completely done. It's like going to a football match and leaving at half-time. You don't know the result and you're left feeling empty inside because it was a waste of time going to it. The same applies to reading this story.



There shouldn't be a space after the first speech mark. Whoever taught you that was a terrible English teacher. Seeing as you've done it a hell of a lot in later sentences, I'm just going to leave it at that and you can fix the rest.



You're addressing someone so you put in a comma and whoever was talking stopped talking there so you put in a speech mark to indicate that the little speech is over.



Missing the comma again.



Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold up. One second you're using speech marks and the next you switch to script formation? What's up with that? It makes absolutely no sense and you should never throw two separate styles of writing together. Keep it one way or the other because being grammatically incorrect isn't going to attract readers.

Also, you spelled prescription wrong.



What the hell are you on about, man? Deep voice? I honestly don't understand why you threw a few hyphens in there. Just state it normally:



It looks much better than incorrect grammar. I'll tell you that much.

I'm not touching the rest of the story because it just gets more ludicrous and crazy. Seriously, if you wanna write a story that people will want to read, learn how to use a Spellchecker. Read a couple of books and see how they're written. You're making silly grammatical mistakes that don't need to be made.

My biggest piece of advice would be to get a beta reader. Someone who can help you improve your story and make sure it's fit for the public to see. I'm sure that some people would risk making their eyes bleed to help you with your writing.

Wait until you post the next chapter. Make sure it's finished as well. No one wants to read something that's only half the quality it should be.

I don't see where you're going with the plot. One second the main characters are talking about getting leather jackets and the next they're rocking the joint filled with Caterpies because a bulletin board told them to. It doesn't sound like something a lot of people would want to read once they saw the way you write.

And where's the description? I know you're posting your writing on a Pokémon board, but some people may not know what a Torchic is. I admit that I got bored of only seeing speech marks and no real narration. In fact, I didn't have a clue as to where the hell they were. You've gotta make things like this clear, mate.

Just put more thought and care into your writing and you'll be okay.
thanx for the good things.and what is your advice for me to finish my story without going over half an hour,i can only use the computer for a half hour. i am going to make my story more clear once i think up the rest of the storyline. i don't mean to be a sneaker but do u rate every one else's stories or just mine?
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  #4  
Old 09-26-2008, 09:53 AM
Azure Offline
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 284
Default Re: Tales of a Torchic

Quote:
Originally Posted by ROGUE ARCEUS View Post
thanx for the good things.and what is your advice for me to finish my story without going over half an hour,i can only use the computer for a half hour. i am going to make my story more clear once i think up the rest of the storyline. i don't mean to be a sneaker but do u rate every one else's stories or just mine?
Don't write in the reply box. Use word or notepad. You can save your work and then resume writing after a while.

Plus, don't actually start a story until you have a clear idea where it's going. If you're confused about this story then what about the readers?
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  #5  
Old 09-26-2008, 03:38 PM
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Rekhyt Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 2,315
Default Re: Tales of a Torchic

Quote:
Originally Posted by ROGUE ARCEUS View Post
thanx for the good things.and what is your advice for me to finish my story without going over half an hour,i can only use the computer for a half hour. i am going to make my story more clear once i think up the rest of the storyline. i don't mean to be a sneaker but do u rate every one else's stories or just mine?
Okay, before you start writing the story, have the plot clear in your head. If you don't know what's happening, how is everyone else going to know? When you're writing it, write it on Notepad or Microsoft Word and save it. When you get the time, go back to it and write until you finish the chapter. Then post to it.

And no, I don't just pick on you. I've just been too lazy to read all the long stories in this board.
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