Member List
Calendar
F.A.Q.
Search
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  
 

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing » Author's Corner

Author's Corner Share your ideas with other members and come here for helpful writing tips.


Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 08-20-2008, 09:54 PM
-embargo's Avatar
-embargo Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 11
Default [Preview] Apostasy Creed: Tribulation

Prologue.



This world was not like our own.

A zephyr slithered its way across the melodious tides of the endless violet ocean. Here, nothing seemed to make sense; the sky and the land seemed indifferent, as if two deities had set their differences aside and united - and it was beautiful. But it was incomplete; ravaged, and lifeless, it seemed. Except for the sole figure, floating through the eternal confusion limply.

For Blair, this was freedom. Everything around him was twilight and calm, so different from what had been happening before all of this - it felt like a century ago now, but that wasn't possible. There was a small burning pain in the back of his head, and as he drifted through this Eden, it became fainter, and fainter, and Blair felt that at least he would be united with the peace he was for so long denied.

Blair’s mind worked, but he flitted on without purpose here - it was a carefree and peaceful existence, he decided. However, the pain was back. Far away, turquoise beams of light seemed to be slicing through the very fabric of the world. What are they? he wondered. The pain grew.

The beams reached further and further out, their luminous fingers grabbing and tearing at the world as it shimmered out of existence. What’s going on?! He cried, but no sound was made, and no-one here was alive to listen to him. The pain now wormed its way through Blair’s body, wired itself to his bones: became him. As the beams of light engulfed everything around him, the pain piqued. The neon tentacles of fate wrapped themselves around Blair, and viciously pulled him through the stone wall of reality.

-

Blair woke up, and the scene was familiar. The hullicination was gone. The world was now verdant plains stretching beyond the horizon, the moon's light highlighting the chiselled landscape. The clouds floated softly overhead - a remnant of the universe that had been stolen from Blair, and as he looked onwards he noticed the distant shape of a pylon rising from the earth.

He tried to stand up, but his body was tired, and the searing pain was still embedded in him. Whatever he tried to do seemed to be in slow motion, and he sobbed a few incomprehensible words before a brutal force hit his face.

Blair’s senses flooded back to him in an instant, and he whirled round - the slow mobility had vanished. The male figure he vaguely remembered stood before him once more, brandishing an iron pole.

“Oh good,” the man’s heavy voice taunted, “I thought you were dead there for a moment.” Despite his cynical tone, he actually look relieved.

“Apologies, I do try my best though,” spat Blair. The man grunted.

“It’s attitudes like those that makes me so remorseless,” he replied with a sigh. He began pacing, back and forth, back and forth… “You’re all the same at the end of the day, your lot.” He stopped, twirled the iron pole in his hand and then pointed it at Blair. “And all of you have your price. What’s yours, Blair?”

The man’s use of Blair’s name made him flinch, and he now realised that he was bleeding in several places. The pain was becoming too overwhelming, and he struggled to put on a brave face.

“There isn’t a price great enough for the knowledge you seek.”

“So I’ve been told.” The man’s collectiveness was broken as he lashed out with the iron bar and whacked Blair across the jaw. Blair felt himself cry for the first time in years, both in pain and in surprise.

“Think about it, Blair,” the man reasoned calmly, “five names for your life. I think that’s a fair price, I‘d say - I’ve heard it’s quite a fun experience, living. Who’s going to find out it was you when they’re all dead?" He spoke as if he was oblivious to his own treachery.

Blair fell to the ground in pain. His body was giving up the battle. He shook his head.

“You will die. You can look for them - you won’t find them. They’re too smart for you.” Blair laughed - a wheezy, forced laugh. “And after you’ve blazed a trail in your fool’s errand…” - Blair stared directly into the man’s eyes now - “…they will slice you into little pieces.”
The man, however, saw through Blair’s noble persona, but not after nervously considering his prediction.

“It was a nice speech, but you have no faith in what you say. Your kind was based upon lies - it is what you’re best at. But you do not convince me. Now, one last chance. The names.”

Blair shook his head weakly, and managed a crooked grin.

“So be it,” said the man. “I am sorry about this Blair…but perhaps it was my fault to go after you first. Now I just have to seek out some of your minions - I’m sure they’ll be easier to persuade.”


As the figure pulled out a pistol from underneath his black robe, Blair thought deeply. He did not think, as one might expect, about his life, or see it flashing before him, but about the errors of his ways, the man’s ways - of humanity’s. So much had been sacrificed so far to save the alleged secret, and now, it seemed, that at the hand’s of one man it would all be in vain. But who was really to blame? No matter what, Blair knew that if this man got his way - every last one of them, human and Pokemon alike, would die.

In “protecting freedom” he and his comrades had began the spiralling, suicidal downfall into oblivion - they had poisoned the world. And now, this man and any who followed him would make them pay with the tribulation that would wipe them out.

A single shot entered Blair’s chest, and he fell slowly to the side. Perhaps this was mercy, Blair’s final thought began, compared to the onslaught that will follow. Lord Almighty, deliver us… After merely seconds, a pair of eyes were closed forever.

To certify Blair’s death, and simply out of anger that his plan so far had been unsuccessful, the man fired four more shots into Blair’s body, but it was aimless - the first shot had finished off his defeated soul. Now, he would hide the body in such a secretive way that, surely, nobody would ever find it. One does not deserve celebration in death when it has been cheated so many times before, he reasoned. After this, he faded back silently to the town of Nebiank as the morning sun rose over the hills.

This is the beginning of the end.





Find out who you really are.

-


Well, firstly dear reader, I'd like to thank you for ignoring my post count and taking the time to read this prologue.

Admittedly, this is my first attempt at anything "fan-fiction", but this is the prologue for the work I am soon starting, Apostasy Creed: Tribulation.

As you can perhaps tell from the prologue, I don't want to divulge too much into the plot right now. Partly because I adore fictions that slowly unveil the greater picture of the plot during the story, and partly because: I'm not even sure what exactly happens yet myself! But, I love that factor as well - that way, the readers can't fully predict what's going to happen: if you don't know, how can they?

But enough of my blabbering - in short, the fiction will most likely be an action-adventure / thriller type work, with comedy of course as that's one of my favourite genres. Oh, and of course, Pokemon. I'm very interested in portraying Pokemon personalities and habits.


I would apprecciate feedback on the prologue (which is subject to change, be aware, but it's not going to dramatically change or anything so as to be unrecognizable) or any general tips for improving the flow of my writing, etc.

Many thanks, embargo.

Oh, and of course, credit to thunder1990 for the banner, I would highly recommend his shop.

Last edited by -embargo; 08-22-2008 at 09:54 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-21-2008, 08:37 AM
thunder1990's Avatar
thunder1990 Offline
 
Join Date: Jun 2008
Posts: 47
Default Re: [Preview] Apostasy Creed: Tribulation

Hi 8]
__________________
Credit to Dogs Rule For the banner.

Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-22-2008, 12:39 PM
Deathspector's Avatar
Deathspector Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyderabad, India
Posts: 2,641
Send a message via MSN to Deathspector Send a message via Yahoo to Deathspector
Default Re: [Preview] Apostasy Creed: Tribulation

Quote:
Originally Posted by thunder1990 View Post
Hi 8]
At least try to keep up with the four-word post rule?

----

Embargo. I like what I've read so far. Your writing style appeals to me, although I cannot speak for the rest of the forum. Your descriptions are near immaculate, although I would suggest a slightly less wooden tone when describing things. Your descriptions all seem slightly toneless if you get where I'm going, but as your writing does seem to be slow-moving, I wouldn't worry about it too much.

There were several places where I feel you tried too hard, if you know what I mean. For example, several word choices (including the title) could be changed to make your writing simpler. I understand that it's considered good to have a large vocabulary – I wouldn't argue with that –, but when writing for the public, sometimes toning it down slightly helps gain readers.

Beyond that, there's not much advice I can give you. Merely, I could say not to give up on the fiction as it has great potential, and that writing it at leisure would make it so much more enjoyable. Good luck.

Deathspector
__________________


// The Poet Of The Fall \\
^ Last update: 22 June 2009 ^
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-22-2008, 09:38 PM
-embargo's Avatar
-embargo Offline
 
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 11
Default Re: [Preview] Apostasy Creed: Tribulation

Thank you for the very helpful post, Deathspector.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Deathspector View Post
There were several places where I feel you tried too hard, if you know what I mean. For example, several word choices (including the title) could be changed to make your writing simpler. I understand that it's considered good to have a large vocabulary – I wouldn't argue with that –, but when writing for the public, sometimes toning it down slightly helps gain readers.
Ah, I'm afraid I have been caught with my trousers down on this one! Admittedly, I am very "obssesive compulsive" about things like first impressions and so on, so the most likely reason the writing looks like it was strained or purple-prosed-up a bit is simply: it was! That probably ties in with your "wooden" comment earlier, so I'm considering toning down the word choice to make it smoother.

Quote:
Beyond that, there's not much advice I can give you. Merely, I could say not to give up on the fiction as it has great potential, and that writing it at leisure would make it so much more enjoyable. Good luck.
I shall take your final point to heart - I should probably have been worrying less about word choice, and more about if I liked the sound of it!

Once again, thank you for the insightful comment. :)
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-23-2008, 02:41 PM
Deathspector's Avatar
Deathspector Offline
Elite Trainer (Level 2)
 
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Hyderabad, India
Posts: 2,641
Send a message via MSN to Deathspector Send a message via Yahoo to Deathspector
Default Re: [Preview] Apostasy Creed: Tribulation

Quote:
Originally Posted by -embargo View Post
Ah, I'm afraid I have been caught with my trousers down on this one! Admittedly, I am very "obssesive compulsive" about things like first impressions and so on, so the most likely reason the writing looks like it was strained or purple-prosed-up a bit is simply: it was! That probably ties in with your "wooden" comment earlier, so I'm considering toning down the word choice to make it smoother.
Yes, I've had that problem before. Don't worry, though; you seem like a great author, so I'm sure you'll attract people to your writing anyway.

Quote:
Originally Posted by -embargo View Post
I shall take your final point to heart - I should probably have been worrying less about word choice, and more about if I liked the sound of it!

Once again, thank you for the insightful comment. :)
You're more than welcome. I'm looking forward to this story.

Deathspector
__________________


// The Poet Of The Fall \\
^ Last update: 22 June 2009 ^
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:14 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: AlienSector.com