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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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Old 07-20-2008, 05:36 AM
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Default Mind Whisperer

Hello, everyone! I just recently got Pokémon Mystery Dungeon 2, and well…I got inspired to write a Mystery Dungeon story! I know I already have a story I’m working on, and I’ll try to work on both of them evenly. (I have found that it helps me to have two stories though-when I get writer’s block for one it’s usually easy to write the other xD)



Since there have been problems with fic stealing, I'm putting this up here:

Fan-Fiction Name: Mind Whisperer
Sites Posted On: Deviantart (Username: Racingwolf), Pokemonelite2000 forums (Username: Scytherwolf), Bulbagarden forums (Username, Scytherwolf), Fanfiction.net (Username: Racingwolf)
Other sites I may post the story on in the future: Serebii forums (Username: Scytherwolf), Pokegym forums (Username: Racingwolf), Pokemonadventures forums (Username: Racingwolf)

Please tell me if you see this on other sites or on one of these sites under a different username than the one I have for that site!



This is my first time writing a Mystery Dungeon story, and it’s based off Mystery Dungeon 2, but set in a different area. (Same concept of exploration teams and a guild, just different places.) This is an adventure type story, and is rated PG to PG-13 (mainly because I’m not sure exactly what determines which rating in stories and I’m not sure of all the events in the story yet, but it’s rated that way for violence-there’s no violence in the first chapter though-well, none that's described, anyway.)

Also I know there’s a lot of Mystery Dungeon stories here already, and I’m sorry for that-I couldn’t resist. xD Hopefully mine will still be exciting.

Also…I explained this in The Path of Destiny, but I do not capitalize ‘pokémon’ or a pokémon’s species in this story, unless a particular pokémon is called by its species name. I’m sorry but it just bugs me (it’s like having to capitalize “dog” or “animal” every time I write those words in a story DX)

And a few more things…(I won’t say much more, I promise!) The beginning of a chapter is kind of like a prologue (and doesn’t have much to do with the events in the first chapter yet) but I posted it as a part of chapter one because it’s too short for it to be posted alone, and it isn’t much to comment about.

Also the characters kind of have confusing names, so here’s how to pronounce some of them (that I think are kind of confusing):

Kinje – Kin-jay

Cera- Sara

Sayu – Sy-you

If anyone needs me to say how to pronounce other names, let me know. Also, I'll probably have pictures for this later, but I couldn't this time because the computer with my tablet is broken...

Oh, and thanks to Latias Rider for helping me come up with a title for this! ^-^

Ok, now for the story...


Chapter One-The Newcomer



Everything in Windtree Forest was deathly still. The lush forest was usually beautiful, with lush trees and a variety of berry bushes and ferns, though now it seemed to be holding its breath…waiting…for something to happen. The moon, obscured by dark clouds, made the peaceful environment appear dark and hostile. There were none of the usual noises one would normally hear in a forest; no nocturnal pokémon calls, no wind rustling through the trees…nothing.

Beneath a towering oak tree, two terrified pokémon huddled together. One was a small, tan-furred mouse-like pokémon with long, blue ears and a short, oddly shaped tail. It had blue cheeks, each with a thin, tan marking on them. The other was catlike; a purple and white furred pokémon with a long, thin tail which was coiled like a spring. They were a minun and a glameow, both of them exhausted, frightened, and lost. To the youngsters, every shadow looked like an enemy lurking in wait, preparing for its moment to strike. Shuddering, the minun huddled closer to her glameow friend. “I…I can’t see anything in this darkness!” she squeaked fearfully, “Where…where are we…?”

“We have to be close to home,” the glameow replied, trying hard to hide the fearful tone in her voice, “In a little bit…we’ll try and find the way back again…once we’ve rested.”

“But we’ve been trying for hours!” the minun whispered, close to tears, “How come no one has tried to find us yet?”

“Our parents had to have sent for help!” the glameow replied, “There’s probably an exploration team looking for us right now.”

“But what if…” the minun asked in a scared voice, “What if…a savage comes?”

“Don’t worry,” the glameow tried to reassure her, “We’ll try to find our way back, and if not…help will come soon…”

Nodding, but still seeming very afraid, the minun closed her eyes, waiting for their rescuers to arrive.

Not far from where they were resting, a pokémon strode through the undergrowth. There was something very strange about it. Its jerky, uneven movements and hollow, staring eyes and gaping mouth full of sharp fangs made it seem terrifying and unnatural. Silver fur covered its body, and two thick black stripes ran down its back. Its paws were jet black as well, and equipped with sharp, slightly curved claws. It was a mightyena, and to anyone who could have seen it, it seemed to be wandering aimlessly in any direction, unable to make up its mind about which direction it should go.

A noise from nearby caused the dark pokémon to pause, and it lifted its head, its motionless, almost unblinking eyes fixed in the direction the disturbance had come from. After a moment’s pause, the sound of two pokémon reached the strange mightyena’s ears. Mechanically, and without thinking, it began walking toward the sound, its mouth opening wider as it increased its pace until it was running.

The glameow and minun heard the noise, and stood up, starting to back away as the leafy bushes ahead of them rustled. “Wh….what was that?” the minun whimpered, clinging tightly to the glameow’s tail.

“Stay behind me…” the catlike pokémon replied, moving in front of her friend.

Before either of them could react, the mightyena was upon them. It made no sound; neither growl nor snarl as it leaped forward, claws outstretched toward the two terrified youngsters.

The bushes around the lost glameow and minun shook harshly as the mightyena began its attack. Both small pokémon filled the area with terrified screams, which were soon harshly cut short, one after the other as the mightyena finished its work. Lifting its head, the dark pokémon turned away from the scene indifferently. It began loping away at a steady pace, its eyes betraying no emotion and its legs falling into step perfectly as it began to wander aimlessly again.

And while it walked, a faint breeze rustled through the trees, making a soft, sorrowful sound, as if mourning the loss of the two young pokémon who had innocently wandered into the forest.

***

When dawn arrived at Sunny Town, many of the pokémon who inhabited the small town were already awake; some readying various shops and others heading toward Mystic Caverns to train. Others played on the pathways linking the various shops together, practicing mock battles as they sought to ready themselves for the day when they would be old enough to become an explorer.

Others were travelers, wanderers from other towns or cities who were passing by, or looking to join the guild. Sunny Town was frequently visited by pokémon of all different species, all from various other lands. This was one of the reasons there were so many shops-the travelers and the Guild provided plenty of customers.

Sunny Town was a pleasant place, safely away from any of the very dangerous habitats, and home to a great many friendly pokémon. It was pleasant to look at as well; all along the dusty streets, bright green grass grew abundantly, and the sides of the roads were dotted with flowers in many places. Tall, leafy trees around the area provided shade and places for pokémon to rest, as well as a playground for adventurous youngsters to climb.

Kinje was a newcomer to Sunny Town. As the various shopkeepers were setting their merchandise out onto tables in each of their shops, he arrived at the top of a small grassy hill overlooking some of the shops. As he made his way down the hill, he stopped momentarily to glance around at the beauty and peace that abounded in the little town. It seemed quite different from the forests and fields he was used to.

Kinje was a tall green pokémon with clawed feet, and four long green and tan wings on his back. On the end of each of his arms was a long, silvery white blade, which was curved like a scythe. A sharp fang stuck out of each side of his mouth, and the top of his head was made up of three pointed spikes. He was a scyther, but a young one; only half grown. He had been traveling alone, and was very relieved to have made it to Sunny Town.

The scyther walked along the road leading to the first of the shops, feeling a gentle breeze waft by. He had traveled what seemed like such a long way from his forest home, and was now close to joining an exploration team at last.

As the young scyther walked into the town, his peaceful feeling was interrupted as he noticed several of the pokémon in the streets giving him odd looks, or turning away abruptly as he walked by. He shrugged it off, figuring that all travelers in a new place must get strange looks, and headed further into the town, hoping to find the Guild building where new explorers were always being accepted for training.

Unfortunately, there didn’t seem to be any signs pointing in the right direction, so he decided to rest for a while. Walking over to the base of a nearby tree, he sat down and watched as more and more pokémon came out of their homes, heading toward the shops and to other areas, or talking with friends.

Kinje noticed one of them, a young piplup, walk away from a shop, carrying several various items. ‘It would probably help if I had some supplies beforehand…’ Kinje thought, standing up and starting to walk toward the shop the piplup had just left.

Halfway there, bits of a pokémon’s conversation reached him, making him stop.

“The Guildmaster is getting far too picky,” a leafeon complained, walking beside two companions, a tyrogue and a manectric, all of them about Kinje’s age, “I don’t see why we need to bring so many oran berries…it’s not like we’re ever going to need all of them.”

At the mention of the word ‘Guildmaster’, Kinje headed toward the group, but before he reached them, the leafeon broke away from the group and the other two pokémon headed toward a shop.

Stopping beneath a tree and running her tongue smoothly over her glossy cream-colored fur, the grass type eevee evolution did not notice Kinje approach.

“Um…hi! Do you know where the guild here is?”

The leafeon jumped, clearly shocked at the scyther’s sudden approach. Looking very annoyed at being disturbed, she glanced over him, quickly coming to the conclusion that he was a newcomer.

“Uh…do you know where the Guild is?” Kinje asked again, and the leafeon looked up at him with another annoyed expression.

The grass type sat down again, running a paw along one of her long, leaf-like ears and looking uninterested, “Oh, you’ll find it eventually,” she replied, “And by the way, they don’t let just anyone become an explorer you know, especially one who can’t even find the place.” She rolled her eyes, seeming amused.

“I just got here,” Kinje explained, “I set off to become an explorer like you…and I really have no idea where anything is…”

“Look,” the leafeon muttered, “Go ask someone else, you’re wasting my time. I’m not a tour guide you know!”

“Hey Sayu!”

The leafeon turned her head at the shout, seeing both of the pokémon she had been walking with heading toward her. Bounding forward excitedly, the manectric reached her first, skidding to a halt beside the tree.

“Who’s this?” she asked, looking at Kinje, “Hi, new pokémon!”

“He’s nobody,” Sayu, the leafeon, replied as she stood up, shaking scraps of moss from her pale colored fur.

“Teri…” a third voice stated, and the tyrogue walked calmly into view, “Do you have to run up to every stranger you come across? Come on! We have the oran berries, so let’s go already!”

“Ok, Seris…” Teri, the manectric, mumbled, looking down at her paws. She reluctantly got up and walked over to the tyrogue.

“You two go on ahead,” Sayu muttered, starting to walk past Kinje, “I’ll catch up after I look at some of the shops. I just wish we didn’t have to spend so much money on oran berries…” she added grudgingly.

As the tyrogue and manectric headed off, Kinje followed the leafeon, still hoping he could get some kind of answer from her.

Catching up to her quickly as she stopped near the wall of a large shop, he asked, “If you can just show me the direction the Guild is, I-”

Sayu turned around angrily, suddenly seeming very aggravated and angry. Narrowing her eyes, the leafeon yelled, “For the last time-LEAVE ME ALONE!”

Taken aback, Kinje was about to make a reply when someone grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and slammed him painfully against the wall of the shop. Dazed, Kinje looked up into the eyes of a large, winged dragon pokémon covered in yellowish orange scales. He felt his blood run cold-this was a powerful, full grown pokémon-a dragonite, and it was apparently angry with him.

The dragonite’s voice was a cold hiss. “You leave that leafeon alone now, you hear?” he growled, and Kinje could only nod silently, wincing in pain. “Good,” the dragonite muttered, letting go of the scyther’s shoulders and allowing him to slump to the ground, giving him one last stern look before turning to the leafeon.

Confused, Kinje slowly stood up and backed away. “What…what was that all about?” he muttered to himself, turning away and heading further down the road, deciding it was best to just try to forget what had taken place.

He hadn’t walked far when he noticed a pokémon who looked just as confused and lost as he was. The pokémon was a large snake-like creature with bright purple scales, and large flaps on either side of its head, which depicted strange markings that looked almost like a pair of glaring eyes. From the way she seemed to constantly look around in a puzzled way, she seemed to be a newcomer to the town as well. Wondering if she was looking for the Guild like he was, Kinje headed over to the arbok.

Cera looked up as she noticed another pokémon approached her-a scyther a little younger than her. She smiled and headed over to him, guessing by his confused expression that he was new to Sunny Town like she was. “Lost huh?” she asked, making the scyther stop in his tracks. After a moment, he nodded.

“Well,” Cera replied, “I am too…I’m looking for the Guild.”

“Me too!” the scyther replied, looking relieved that he wasn’t the only one who had no idea where to go, “I guess we should look for it together, then!”

“Sure,” Cera replied, turning and heading further down the road, while the scyther caught up to her. “What’s your name?” she asked him, wondering if she would be training with him at the Guild sometime, “My name is Cera.”

“Mine’s Kinje!” he replied excitedly, seeming happy that he was able to look for the guild with the help of someone else.

Smiling, Cera replied, “That’s a nice name. Come on, the guild must be somewhere past all these shops!”

The two pokémon turned and headed down one of the roads leading away from the shops, not noticing a luxray shopkeeper pause, giving the pair a suspicious glance.

“Strange…” the teal and black furred electric type muttered, watching the two newcomers talking as they headed further down the road, before going back to his task.

***

After a short while of wandering, during which Kinje had attempted to fly several times, knowing that flying would certainly help them, and eventually having to admit to Cera that he really didn’t know how to fly yet, they had finally found the Guild building.

It was the one of the largest buildings they had seen, though it was partially hidden in a large cave in a towering cliff that overshadowed part of Sunny Town. Kinje had noticed the cliff in the distance before, but had thought nothing of it at first-the Guild building wasn’t visible unless a pokémon were to stand directly in front of the cave and look into it.

The building itself was taller than most of the buildings they had seen while in the main part of town, and forming a half-circle around it were torches, which lit up the cave and threw flickering shadows over its rocky walls.

Kinje looked excited as he stared up at the large wooden building, which had a large wooden door leading inside at the front, with a big, intricately woven tapestry of an arcanine placed above it. Unlike Kinje, Cera seemed more nervous than excited. Noticing this, Kinje wondered why; Cera was older and most likely more experienced than he was; she was the one who had eventually found the Guild building.

(Continued in next post...)
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Last edited by Scytherwolf; 09-24-2011 at 10:05 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07-20-2008, 05:45 AM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

“Cera, what’s-” Kinje began, confused, when a voice from within the building stopped him.

“More newcomers…” the timid-sounding voice from behind the door muttered, obviously talking to another pokémon. Kinje wondered how the pokémon had seen them, but said nothing. The timid pokémon whispered again to the other, “This time it’s…” His voice faded too quietly for Kinje or Cera to hear, then the other pokémon spoke up.

“I know…go find Serai,” he said, and Kinje heard echoing footsteps as the two pokémon walked away.

“Who’s Serai?” Kinje whispered to Cera.

“I don’t know!” the arbok replied, irritated, “Be quiet!”

A moment later, Kinje’s question was answered as a pokémon walked out of the building. The pokémon was a large white horse with a flaming mane and tail, and a long pointed horn on its forehead; a rapidash. It was followed by two much smaller pokémon, a timid looking little blue penguin pokémon, a piplup, and a small brown and white fox-like pokémon, an eevee. Kinje recognized the piplup-he had seen him buying something from a shop upon recently arriving at Sunny Town. He figured they must have been the two who were talking behind the door before.

The rapidash gave Kinje and Cera a long stare before speaking. “More new recruits I suppose?” she asked, and Kinje nodded eagerly, while Cera did so as well, though more timidly. Serai then turned and walked back into the building. “Stay here,” she told them, “I must speak with the Guildmaster first.”

The rapidash, piplup, and eevee vanished into the building, leaving Kinje and Cera alone in the cave.

“I wonder who the Guildmaster is!” Kinje said suddenly, startling Cera.

“No idea,” Cera replied, “I just know that he or she is in charge of exploration teams around here. It seems a little odd that we aren’t supposed to go inside first…”

“Maybe that rapidash needs the Guildmaster’s permission to let us in,” Kinje suggested.

“I guess so,” Cera sighed impatiently, waiting for the rapidash to reappear.

For what seemed like a long time, the two waited; Cera watching as Kinje became fascinated with the fact that if he swiped his blade through the fire coming from one of the many torches in the cave fast enough, he didn’t get burned.

“You’re going to hurt yourself…” she warned him as he swiped his arm across the fire yet again.

“No I’m not!” Kinje replied, “Just watch!” As he was about to repeat the action, the two heard the clattering of hooves and Serai the rapidash stepped out of the building and into the dimly lit cave.

“All right you two,” the rapidash stated, “Follow me. The Guildmaster has agreed to let you train here… Be grateful,” she added, giving the two an odd look, which Kinje paid no heed to.

She began to walk through the opening, and the young scyther followed, feeling excited. He remembered what the leafeon, Sayu, had told him, that ‘not everyone got to be an explorer’. He felt glad that he and Cera were being given the chance. Yet…he couldn’t help but feel a bit confused about how nervous Cera seemed. Shouldn’t she be happy she was being given the opportunity to train here?

Waiting for the arbok to catch up to him, Kinje glanced up at the large Arcanine tapestry as Serai stopped and waited as well, looking annoyed. “Hurry…” she muttered irritably, and the two newcomers followed her into the building.

Despite his worry and confusion about Cera, Kinje felt very happy-after all this time, he was finally going to start training, something he’d looked forward to for a long while. And better yet, he now had a new friend to train beside.

To be continued...



Ok, I know this chapter was pretty lacking in description, but I couldn’t figure out how to describe some pokémon or where to put the description. I promise I’ll get better at it as I write more chapters! And it’ll get more exciting later on, too, I promise! (And yes, I know the main character is annoying and oblivious-he ish supposed to be!-for now, at least.)

I probably forgot a lot of things about how the worlds in the Mystery Dungeon games work, but oh well-this is my first time writing a pokémon story that isn't about wild pokémon living in the world where humans and trainers are.

I had to end the chapter kinda quickly like that because it was getting to long, and I wanted to include the next parts in the next chapter.

Well, I hope people like this, even though there are a lot of Mystery Dungeon stories right now. x3
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  #3  
Old 07-20-2008, 07:28 AM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

I'm reading your other story and they both are going excellent and this one is getting very interesting....

cant wait till next chapter
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Old 07-20-2008, 08:02 AM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

D= Poor lil Minun and...well, actually, I don't like Glameow, BUT STILL. xD

I must keep an eye on this one. The plot is already intriguing and a bit dark in just the first chapter. The description was fine, don't worry; it's hard to descibe in the opening chapter unless it starts with a bang. However, the part with the Mightyena was excellently written and described, so yay. =D

Now, it's Super Annoying Nitpicking Time! 8D

I saw a grand total of two repeated things that bothered me. That makes you awesome at grammar. The first was a repetition of some words in the same sentence or two.
Quote:
The lush forest was usually beautiful, with lush trees and a variety of berry bushes and ferns
Using lush twice makes the sentence a bit choppy and distracting. Maybe you could say healthy trees instead?
Quote:
The moon, obscured by dark clouds, made the peaceful environment appear dark and hostile.
Same thing here with dark. Maybe shadowy and hostile?

And the other mild problem was with the dreaded semicolons.
Quote:
The other was catlike; a purple and white furred pokémon with a long, thin tail which was coiled like a spring.
In order to use a semicolon, you need to make sure that both sentences make sense standing alone and have a subject and predicate.
Quote:
The other was catlike. A purple and white furred pokemon with a long, thin tail coiled like a spring.
The second sentence has no predicate, so you can't make it a semicolon. You can reword the two sentences a wee bit and then combine them with a comma, though.
Quote:
For what seemed like a long time, the two waited; Cera watching as Kinje became fascinated with the fact that INSERT STUFF HERE
Same thing here; the second sentence doesn't make sense if it stands alone. This was in a bunch of places, so you should probably look over it again and see if you can weed out some places were the semicolons should be commas.

With my evil criticism out of the way, you're a great writer and I'm definitely remembering to check on this story. <3 Keep writing!
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Old 07-20-2008, 03:48 PM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

Of course. There just has to be a scyther in the story. xD (Not a bad thing!)

I don't see what you were so nervous about; the description and all came out great!
Just a few things:

Meh, Larvinator got to a lot of the things before me. :P Well, there's still more to nit pick on! :D ...wait, that smiley makes it sound like a good thing...OH well!

Quote:
“Me too!” the scyther replied, looking relieved that he wasn’t the only one who had no idea where to go, “I guess we should look for it together, then!”
After "go", there should be a period, not a comma, because it's the end of the sentence. ("I guess we should look for it together, then!" is a complete different sentence.)

There are many other times in the chapter you did this.

Quote:
Kinje recognized the piplup-he had seen him buying something from a shop upon recently arriving at Sunny Town.
Not much a mistake, but it would be easier to differentiate dashes and hyphens if dashes consisted of two "-"s, and hyphens stayed as just one. Just something that might make it easier to read.

I wonder why the people in Sunny Town acted like that towards Kinje, and why is Cera so frightened? Hmm...
This PMD story is really unique compared to other ones. It already has a sense of mystery and plot before the first rescue mission!

What happened to the pokemon who were supposed to be rescuing the Minun and Glameow? Maybe...nah, not likely. I was just thinking that Kinje would be given the mission to look for them, and look what he finds! :o

And the Oran berry thing...there has to be more to it...THE GUILDMASTER WANTS ORAN BERRIES TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
No.
Here's a more sane and likely thing: Oran berries just incase they get attacked my Mr. Odd Hungry Mightyena. Yep, I found the pokemon odd. Either odd Mightyena is scared of Oran berries or they're just there to heal the rescuing pokemon.
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Old 07-20-2008, 08:50 PM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

Everyone seems to distrust scythers...I don't know why. I like scythers ^.^

Can't wait to see more!
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Old 07-21-2008, 12:26 AM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

Yay! It's a story with an Arbok! ^o^ I like Arbok.
As far as technical stuff goes, anything I was gonna say has already been pointed out. So I don't have to worry about that.
This sounds different, and that is always a good thing. ^^
And did I mention that you have an Arbok as a main character!?
I like it Scy!
*patiently waits for another chapter*
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Old 07-23-2008, 03:30 AM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

Awesomeness
The first part with the Mightyena had me all,OMG BLOOD YAY
I have issues-shot-
This is a mysterious story,I LIEK MYSTERIES >3.
And Mightyena,you need to go to anger management -tsktsk-
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Old 07-23-2008, 06:16 AM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

Sounds good so far, Scy. ^_^

I like how that Leafeon was almost mean to Kinje.
I mean, not how she was bad to him, but the personality you gave to her.

I also wonder why the Dragonite acted the way it did. =/

Anyway, great story. I want to see what happens next!

~Glad you liked the names and title. :P
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Old 07-23-2008, 05:18 PM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

Why is it no one ever trusts Poisin, Dark, or Sythers? Sure, they trust Sythers evolved form...but do they trust Sythers? OF COURSE NOT!
Honestly, its hard to find people nowadays who look past the outside.

Finished ranting, and great chapter! Oddly enough, I sort of enjoy that you started it off with a death scene, and I really like the pairing of a Syther and Arbok.
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Old 07-24-2008, 08:00 PM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

Wow, Scy, this is great! =3 I don't remember the games being as exciting as this fic is turning out to be!

I really like the way you described that Mightyena, and it's... aloofness, is it? Oh well, whatever its zombie-like condition is, is very, very intriguing. :3 I hope you'll explain more about that soon~

Anyway, keep up the great work! All your fics are fantastic~
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Old 07-26-2008, 04:22 PM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

its good but a bit long
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  #13  
Old 07-26-2008, 04:56 PM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

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Originally Posted by shadow6567 View Post
its good but a bit long
Scy's stories are usually quite long. She just can't stop!
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  #14  
Old 08-17-2008, 08:56 AM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

Ok, first of all, thanks to everyone who commented on this, and I'm sorry I like, COMPLETELY FORGOT about this thread for a while. >.< (I was on vacation though, so that's part of the reason. xD I was also caught up with writing The Path of Destiny...and I was all paranoid that this chapter turned out bad. x_x)

I just got re-inspired for this though so I will be continuing this soon! Also, I'm glad the description didn't seem so bad, I got really frustrated with it while writing-so many pokémon at once! DX I'm also glad that it seems interesting-some people seem to be tired of all the new mystery dungeon stories and I was worried it might not seem very interesting. But I guess it is, so YAY! =D

And now I shall answer the questions without giving spoilers:

Larvinator:

Quote:
Using lush twice makes the sentence a bit choppy and distracting. Maybe you could say healthy trees instead?

Same thing here with dark. Maybe shadowy and hostile?
Yeah, I know what you mean by that. Dunno why I didn't catch that before. >.<

Quote:
And the other mild problem was with the dreaded semicolons.
Yeah...I'm always kind of unsure of when to use a comma or a semicolon. Hopefully I'll get better at that.

Azurai:

Quote:
What happened to the pokemon who were supposed to be rescuing the Minun and Glameow? Maybe...nah, not likely. I was just thinking that Kinje would be given the mission to look for them, and look what he finds! :o
The minun and glameow in the prologue were in a different area. Sunny town is not the only town/city and so the rescue/exploration teams will be different there. You'll find out more about what happens to the team that went looking for them and all that later.

Quote:
And the Oran berry thing...there has to be more to it...THE GUILDMASTER WANTS ORAN BERRIES TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD!
No.
Here's a more sane and likely thing: Oran berries just incase they get attacked my Mr. Odd Hungry Mightyena. Yep, I found the pokemon odd. Either odd Mightyena is scared of Oran berries or they're just there to heal the rescuing pokemon.
Yeah, the mightyena was supposed to be odd. And I don't really understand what you mean about the oran berries. The Guildmaster makes it a requirement that teams have to bring a certain amount of them every time they go on missions. Sayu's team was annoyed that they had to have them because they had plenty of other supplies and she didn't like having to spend more of her team's money.

Grassy:

Quote:
Everyone seems to distrust scythers...I don't know why. I like scythers ^.^
Not everyone distrusts scythers; in fact, most of the young pokémon don't. It's mainly the older, adult pokémon who are distrustful, and there is a reason for that.

Kris:
Quote:
Yay! It's a story with an Arbok! ^o^ I like Arbok.
As far as technical stuff goes, anything I was gonna say has already been pointed out. So I don't have to worry about that.
This sounds different, and that is always a good thing. ^^
And did I mention that you have an Arbok as a main character!?
I like it Scy!
*patiently waits for another chapter*
Don't worry, I'm going to start writing this again soon. xD Glad you like the arbok idea; I've always liked snake pokémon. :3

Scalec:

Quote:
Why is it no one ever trusts Poisin, Dark, or Sythers? Sure, they trust Sythers evolved form...but do they trust Sythers? OF COURSE NOT!
Honestly, its hard to find people nowadays who look past the outside.
Not everyone is distrustful, and those who are have a REALLY good reason to be, which you'll find out later...


And sorry I couldn't answer everyone's comment, but I tried to answer the questions people had. I'll be better at answering comments next time and I'm glad people liked this! I hope readers will still be interested in this story and if you have any questions, ask me!
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Last edited by Scytherwolf; 08-17-2008 at 09:08 AM.
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  #15  
Old 08-20-2008, 08:10 AM
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Default Re: Mind Whisperer

yay, scy! you decided to keep this going.... good on you...
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