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Wake up!” screamed Jon as Ryan struggled out of bed, sleepily rubbing his eyes. He couldn’t believe his day had finally come. On the tenth birthday of every child in the Sinnoh region, he or she was to set out on their adventure with Pokemon, either as a Pokemon contest coordinator or as a Pokemon trainer. Coordinating had never appealed much to Ryan, so he planned to be a trainer and eventually take down the Elite Four.
“Even on his day, he can’t get out of bed on time,” mumbled Ryan’s older brother Jon. While Ryan had taken after his mother as far as looks and demeanor, Jon had taken after the boys raven-haired father, Luke, who had been killed in an effort to clear Team Rocket from the Viridian City Gym all the way in the Kanto Region. Jon was serious and quiet. He was by no means a small man, and his dark hair and eyes didn’t help his menacing demeanor. Ryan was quite a bit smaller than Jon, but just as strong. He was fair haired just like his mother. And true to her personality, while he was a good soul, he was a bit slow; in everything but battling.
In Trainer’s School, one of the main things taught to students was how to battle. Ryan was a force to be reckoned with. After surpassing all his fellow classmates, he was moved on to higher grades, until he eventually progressed to the point where the teachers had to battle him just so he would have a challenge. This was also where he learned the concept of shiny Pokemon. One time before a battle, Ryan picked a Pokeball, and to his surprise, within it resided a green and purple Electabuzz. He was puzzled at first, but was relieved when he found there was nothing wrong with the Pokemon. He still won.
Ryan looked back fondly on these memories as he slipped into his chosen adventurer’s attire: a pair of red and black running slacks and a thin jacket of the same color. He knew after today, things would never be the same.
Along with beginning his journey, Ryan would also receive his “Starter” Pokemon. He would have received the invitation the lab of one of the Pokemon Professors to take his pick. Oak, Birch, Elm, and Rowan were veterans in the field, but a new man on the scene, Professor Alder, had taken up shop in the newly founded town of Aspenbranch. Being the hometown of Ryan, this is where he was headed.
He trudged sleepily into the kitchen. He saw that his mother had been crying in anticipation of his leaving, and that Jon was in his adventurer’s attire as well. This meant that after visiting Ryan on his big day, he was headed back on the road. On the way to grab a plate and some bread, he gave his mother a hug and told her good morning. He did the same to Jon, minus the hug. After a minute or two, the toast shot up, perfectly browned. He slathered on some butter and sat at the table. He munched quietly for a while, but then Jon spoke up.
“If you don’t hurry, you’ll be late…” Jon hinted. Ryan sighed, kissed his mom goodbye, and then shook Jon’s hand. He walked out the front door to see a Pelipper sitting atop his mailbox. When it saw him, it skreed, dropped a piece of paper in the slot and took off flying. He checked inside, and sure enough, there was his invitation. He put the invitation in his wallet with the 30,000,000 yen his mother had given him for food, slung his empty pack over his shoulders, and started off at a brisk pace towards the lab.
As he passed through the town center, he began wondering what Pokemon hw would choose. He was hoping for a Piplup, or maybe a Chimchar, but he definitely didn’t want a Turtwig. He tossed a coin in the Gyarados shaped fountain in the center of town and continued on his way. He made a left and was directly in front of the lab. As nervous as he was, Ryan forced his legs to carry him forward through the automatic doors. Automatically, he wished he hadn’t. He looked inside to find……..
END OF CHAPTER 1
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Look for Seercry...
Last edited by Master_of_Munch; 05-04-2008 at 02:17 AM.
Umm, if you had read the whole story, you would've known I described all the characters in detail. How about you actually do some reading once in a while? Could help you save face and make yourself sound smarter than a rock.
Nice of you to call somebody a rock who wastes "face" when no speech is needed in the process of typing a post at all.
It's best not to give the visualizations on your first chapter, anyway. People will be distracted, like I was. By the way, if a sentence ends with an ellipse, there's usually a period after that (or a comma if it is a quote). Either fix your first quote so it follows correct punctuation rules or learn to use Ctrl + A. Yen is not capitalized as a proper noun. Don't hold down the key for periods if you want an ellipse. It isn't the best thing to do to repeat "automatic" twice in a row like you did.
Your tone is extremely robotic. It makes everything in the story feel like a gray blob of text. Also, how long is this chapter? It doesn't seem that long in pages in Microsoft Word.
Don't advertise a stupid adoptable after posting your story.
Originally Posted by Ridley
I suffer from some desease where I just don't feel like catching a pokemon unless it's rare, which ends in me never catching com mons.
I finished Gold with a pokedex of 6.
Oak's Rating: "Congratulations! Looks like you've learned how to use a pokeball!"
when i said the adoptable, i wasnt being serious, i just wanted a way to end the post. Im guessing it woldve been better.
Im not sure what an ellipse is, so can you explain?
Any hints on how to not sound like robotic blob of gray text?
Also, i fixed the yen thing and i erased my rude post. Again, I apologize.
Okay, first of all, this is an ellipsis: (...) without the parenthesis. I think what he's reffering to is you're the amount of periods you had at the end of chapter one. (........) As for the robotic text, add in some exclamation points, be more spontaneous in your writings. Just write down whatever comes to mind, then rid your story of the what crap comes out.
Here's something to start on...how about him actually getting his starter, and then see what comes to your mind. You could make it a starter he had to find, like Dawn, or all of them gone and only another option to chose from, like Ash. Or whatever.
Just look at the world around, look at your own challenges and life experiences, and tweak them to fit your story.