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Old 05-04-2008, 11:56 PM
Drift's Avatar
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Elite Trainer (Level 4)
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Unova
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Default The Loco Lotad! Horsea combats with Lotad! The showdown!

The Loco Lotad
Drift's attempt to capture a Lotad.
Chapter 1

Drift walked down the path from home, her eyes beaming with excitement. Beside the path was a river, which she walked quite closely to. Her Horsea, Bliss, was swimming in the river besides the path, following Drift’s pace. The wind blew in Drift’s light blue hair, and the sunrays peeked through the gaps of the treetops. “Oh, Bliss...! We should go for a swim! Well, I should anyway!” Drift giggled and picked up her pace, “I’ll race ya!” Bliss squealed and started swimming at a faster pace, trying to catch up to Drift.

Soon the duo reached a lake, filled with lily pads and different colorful aquatic plant life. Drift took a deep breath in and looked into the water. She allowed her fingers to playfully dance on the water’s surface, making the water create ripples that were as individual as a snowflake. Bliss swam up to Drift and watched her fingers play in the water. Bliss knew Drift was daydreaming – again – and so badly wanted to just have fun with her loyal trainer. With a smirk, Bliss took up water into her snout and blew it onto Drift’s face. Drift’s expression was priceless, “Bliss!” Drift exclaimed as she wiped the water off her face.

Once Drift’s face was clean again, she looked down at Bliss to only see a Horsea with a coy and innocent face looking back up at her. Drift smirked, “Ah, I’ll get you for that!” Bliss swam away quickly, giggling, “Sea! Sea!” Drift swam after her quickly, and soon the two were out of breath.

The sun was beginning to set, plunging the world into a brilliant pink color. Drift was calmly floating on her back in the lake, with Bliss just swimming around her, occasionally eating some plants here and there. As Drift was staring up at the clouds, she heard something. She didn’t pay mind to it until it became louder: “LOOO-TAD!” All of a sudden, Drift saw Bliss go flying across the lake, steaming from the head. She reared her head and let out water from her snout. She had an absolutely fuming look on her face. Drift regained balance and shouted out to Bliss, “Bliss, what happened?!” However, Bliss was too irritated to notice Drift’s desperate attempt to get her attention. Opposite Bliss was an angry Lotad, blowing bubbles from its nose and clearly as angry as Bliss. Drift studied the Lotad and noticed a bite mark on the lush green lily pad that adorned its back. Oh! Drift thought to herself, Bliss must have thought that Lotad’s lily pad was a snack!

Maybe back. Maybe not.

Last edited by Drift; 05-05-2008 at 12:05 AM.
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Old 05-05-2008, 12:05 AM
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Elite Trainer (Level 4)
Join Date: May 2007
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Default Re: The Loco Lotad! Horsea combats with Lotad! The showdown!

Chapter 2

Drift looked back and forth at each Pokémon frantically. She knew now that when Lotad felt Bliss’s bite, it became angry and unleashed an attack on her, which only made matters worse, considering how headstrong Bliss is. Drift racked her brain for a moment, and then thought on the positive side, You know... she began conjuring up an idea, We might just be able to catch this Lotad and make it part of our team! Drift looked up and smirked. “Alright Bliss! Get ready for a battle!”

The two Pokémon stared each other down, creating obvious tension between them. Drift stood confidently behind Bliss, her hands clenched into fists. “Alright, Bliss!” Drift shouted, ready to call a command. “Sea! Sea!” Bliss squealed in response. “Use Focus Energy! That way we can get a potential critical hit!” Drift stood there, still with clenched fists. Bliss closed her eyes and stored energy, then lifted her head and stared straight at Lotad. The Lotad lunged at Bliss, its head glowing. It was about to strike Bliss with a Zen Headbutt. “Bliss, watch out!” Bliss looked up and saw Lotad flying towards her, and swam out of the way just in time.

“Alright, Bliss! Dragon Pulse! Now!” As Drift shouted her command, Bliss turned to Lotad and began storing energy in her snout. She unleashed it, and a mystical blue ray fired from it. It struck Lotad, sending it flying into another lily pad. Regaining its balance, Lotad stared at Bliss. It was now clear this Lotad wasn’t going to go down easily. A few Luvdisc swam by beneath the water’s surface, but quickly scuttled away once they sensed the heat of the battle.

The lake area now seemed thick with tension. Bliss grunted, awaiting Drift to command the next attack. “Alright, Bliss…” Drift pondered for a second, and then her eyes gleamed, “Blow a Bubblebeam into the water facing Lotad! Quick!” Bliss nodded and lowered her snout into the water, and fired a Bubblebeam straight at Lotad. The water increased the pressure and power of the attack, which is exactly what Drift was hoping for. Lotad got slammed against some rocks by the Bubblebeam, and was struggling to move until Bliss was done with her attack. The Lotad winced, but managed to regain balance again. Lotad then started creating an eerie green energy, and fired it at Bliss. The move struck Bliss, sending her back and causing her to flinch. Urf... Drift thought, That was Energy Ball. Bliss is weak to that type of attack, I hope she can recover...

Drift shouted, “Bliss! You can do this!” Bliss opened her eyes and sprung back up. “Bliss! Dragon Pulse! Once more!” Bliss created that same blue energy she did before and fired it at the Lotad. The Lotad fell back into the lake. It struggled to move, but failed, withdrawing into the water. However, fainted, the Lotad sat unmoving in pain. “Alright!” Drift shouted, and reached into her pocket and pulled out a Pokéball. “Lotad… You’re mine!” Drift hurled the Pokéball at the Lotad. The device opened up and sucked the creature inside, and it began to shake…

Maybe back. Maybe not.
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Old 05-08-2008, 09:31 AM
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Default Re: The Loco Lotad! Horsea combats with Lotad! The showdown!

Hallo thar. :o I'll grade this. Expect a grade within 1-3 hours. :3

Introduction/Plot: Drift her Horsea, Bliss are out in a lush green forest, the sun is beaming down on them. Bliss is cooling off in the water, and then just to burst his bubble; Drift tells him to race her, they dart up the river and come to crystal blue lake filled with plant life. Drift decides to cool off my hopping into the water, she's floating on her back. Then suddenly Horsea bites a "lily-pad", only finding out it's a Lotad. Lotad attacks and they both are in outrage. Drift see's this as an opportunity to expand her team, so they engage in battle and go for the capture!

This was nice plot, for a simple mon. I liked how everything was calm and serene, then the battle came on. I could also picture Drift clearly, though she seemed like all characters, jolly, hopefull and determined. Maybe you could add something into her personality, does she have a short temper, is she obnoxious? All of these things make a character unique. But this was plot was perfect for the Pokémon your aiming for, just remember that in the future when aiming for harder Pokémon you should elaborate on the plot and expand it. ^^;

Length: This was little short, but I have no complaints here. Just remember elaborating on the plot and flushing out more description can add onto this. :]

Grammar/Spelling: Wow, um... No mistakes. O.O Well done on this part, it's obvious that you spellchecked yourself. :] Your making me cut this short. ;_; Meanie. hehe... Good job here.

Description/Detail: I thought this was just perfect for the simple mon. You gave a lot of description and described nearly everything vividly. The only aspect of description you appear to have left out is emotion; Was Drift sad when Horsea was hurt? Was she filled with excitement? Was she anxious? Always tell us what mood she's in so she doesn't burst out and have an emotion breakdown, especiall when we arn't expecting it. Other than that, all you need to work on is describing your surroundings, I got a clear picture of nearly everything else except your surroundings and the Pokémon. What color was the forest? Was there a waterfall at the lake? Even if we've seen Pokémon before, doesn't mean we know exactly what they look like. O.o Just add a little more detail in to the picture. =]

Battle: This was a very good portion of your story too. The battle was two-sided, Bliss and the Lotad put up a good fight and got about 2-3 attacks in each. Which is just what you should be aiming for. I also liked that you used your surroundings, but I felt you could've done more with them, if you fighting over water a lot could happen. Not just being hit off the big rock, maybe them hitting eachother from underwater. You described the attacks very well too. I could see them clearly. Good job on this. ^___^

Outcome: Gah, this came so quickly cause you didn't have grammar mistakes. >_< Very nice story in my opinion, perfect for the Lotad! Lotad Captured! Have fun building your water team. ^.^

URPG | VPP | Credit | Starry.Graphix

<3 Paired with FlameRyushin <3

Last edited by Lati-Chan; 05-08-2008 at 09:55 AM.
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