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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 04-09-2008, 04:37 PM
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Default Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire (PG-13)

Chapter One: Freedom is Over


"Hey get your hands off me!" I yelled to the officer as he tackled me to the ground. I managed to break free for a second only for him to sick his Growlithe on me. It bit my leg and I was down for the count.

"You're under arrest, punk," the officer snarled. He pulled me off the ground and handcuffed me.

"I told you," I replied. "I didn't do anything." He didn't listen. The officer threw me in the back of the police car and drove. I knew who had commited the crime that I was being framed for. It was Jack Kitzu, my former friend. He had stolen an important artifact from the burning tower in Ecruteak City. I still hadn't figured out what he took.

When we arrived at the police station, I was taken into a room for interrogation. All of my possesions including my pokeballs and my cell phone were taken. The detective glared at me. "Shawn Miziki," he started.

"Yeah that's me," I replied. "I didn't steal anything."

"We're not saying that you are," the detective said bluntly. "We want to know if you have any ideas who might had commited the crime?" I didn't answer, which began making the detective angry. "It is a federal crime in Johto to steal anything from historical landmarks!" he yelled. "Right now you're the prime suspect and if you don't tell us anything you're going to prison!"

I knew I was in trouble. The revenge I was planning for Jack was the only thing on my mind. If I told the police they would get to him first and my plans for revenge would be destroyed. On the other hand if I didn't tell the police, I would go to prison for a crime that I didn't commit. Lying was the only thing I could do at the moment.

"John Reeman," I told him. "I saw him talking about the crime to one of his friends." The detective seemed interested now. "I heard he fled to Snowpoint City in Sinnoh." The detective nodded his head as I continued lying. When I finished the story, I was released and all of my stuff was handed back to me. Words could not express how much I hated the Goldenrod Police.

"I'm gonna kill Jack if it's the last thing I do," I whispered. The detective had notified me that if he found out I was lying I would go straight to prison. I didn't let it bother me because I had an important task that I needed to do. When I found Jack he was as good as dead.

"I'll have to check every place in Johto," I said to myself.

"No you don't," replied a voice. "I'm right here Shawn." It was Jack's voice but I couldn't see his face. "The Eyes of Fire allow me to be anywhere I want." "It doesn't even have to be a real place."

"I'm not scared of you or your little toy," I replied. "Come out and fight." I grabbed a pokeball from my waist.

"Shawn Miziki," Jack started. "Since we were children, you've bullied, harrassed, lied to, and fought others for your own selfish needs." "I was your friend and I just sat back and watched you torment others." "I was hoping that you would turn my name into the police, but you blamed someone else for a crime that I commited just so you could get your revenge." Everything Jack said was true and I couldn't deny it. "Now!!!" Jack yelled. "It's time for you to pay!!!"

All of a sudden everything went black. Two red eyes suddenly appeared in the sky.

"What the hell is going on!" I yelled. Fire began coming out of the red eyes. The inferno surrounded me. I didn't know what was going on. All I knew was that Jack was behind this. I felt myself losing my train of thought. In less than a minute, I was out cold...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I awoken to find myself somewhere else. This place looked way different than Goldenrod City. It was full of pokemon that could talk like humans. As a matter of fact, I didn't see a human anywhere.

"Where am I?" I asked myself. I looked around the area. It was a mountain area surrounded by pokemon. I found myself in a small cold cabin. A Machoke walked in.

"The Magby over there!" he called. "Get back to work!" I looked around and noticed that I was the only person in the cabin. Then it hit me. I looked at my red arms and my red legs. The Machoke was talking to me. He looked at me sternly and then grinned.

"You must be a new slave," he snarled. "Follow me." I knew I had no choice but to follow orders. I began following the Machoke and he gave me a tour. I saw dozens of pokemon being forced to mine the mountain. Those that didn't comply with orders were brutally beaten. Where was I?

"Tell me your name," the Machoke ordered. I couldn't use my name because I felt that Jack's Eyes of Fire could be watching. After thinking I gave him a name.

"I'm umm Summit," I answered. It was the only name I could think of since I was on a mountain. The Machoke then pointed to the mines.

"You start tomorrow," he remarked. "Today you watch the rest of the slaves work so you'll know what to do." The Machoke walked off leaving me by myself. I walked over to the mines were I noticed a Monferno and a Munchlax working hard. They looked at me and then motioned for me to come over.

"I hear you're new," the Monferno stated. "I didn't know they would make a Magby do slave work."

"Yeah," I replied. "Can you tell me where I am and what's going on?"

"This is Nanokin Mountain," the Monferno explained. "We are slaves because of the troubles we caused in our past lives." "I guess no one get's a second chance." A shiver ran up my spine. The Monferno said past lives. Did this mean that I was dead?

"Nanokin Mountain is only one place in Dysillius that has slaves," the Munchlax began. "There are many other places that are worse off than we are." "The elder psychic pokemon tell us to maintain hope."

"Why?" I asked curiously.

"The Chosen One willl soon arrive and free us from this torment," the Munchlax whispered. The Monferno shook his head.

"You shouldn't believe everything you hear, Lexon," he stated. I guessed that Lexon was the Munchlax's name. Lexon ignored the Monferno's comment and began working again.

"I'm Porallus," the Monferno introduced himself. "And this is Lexon." I shook hands with both of them.

"I'm Sum-Summit," I stammered trying to keep my identity a secret for the time being. Right now all I could do was hope to escape this dreaded place. I was here because of the way I lived my life as Shawn Miziki. Now I was in for it.......
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  #2  
Old 04-09-2008, 10:03 PM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire

I like it! So this is a Mystery dungeon type but without the Mystery Dungeon part?
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Old 04-10-2008, 12:34 AM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire

Quote:
Originally Posted by scalec View Post
I like it! So this is a Mystery dungeon type but without the Mystery Dungeon part?
Well sort of, but I'm adding some original twist.
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Old 04-10-2008, 01:40 AM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire (PG-13)

Ooooooo! Can't wait!
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Old 04-10-2008, 03:36 AM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire (PG-13)

Chapter Two: The Chosen One


After they finished working, Porallus and Lexon took me to meet the elder slaves. They told me that it was customary for new slaves to meet the elders. The guards had announced that work was over for today and let the slaves roam around the prison.

"The elders will be happy to meet you," Lexon said gleefully. They showed me to a room where five pokemon sat. An Alakazam and a Medicham sat on the left side of the small room and an Espeon and a Xatu sat on the right. In the middle an Absol stood facing forward.

"Elder Azoko," Porallus greeted. "This is our newest comrade, Summit." The Absol closed his eyes as if he was having a vision.

"The Chosen One," Azoko whispered as he opened his eyes. Who was this Absol talking about? Surely it wasn't me. "Summit the Magby," he started. "Approach me." I walked up to Azoko slowly before the Alakazam said something.

"Azoko," he called out. "This Magby can't be the Chosen One." "He doesn't even look like he can handle the mines." I thought of attacking the Alakazam for that comment, but stopped myself when I realized that my anger was one of the reasons I was here in the first place.

"Relax Bakino," Azoko said calmly. "I know what I'm doing." He turned to me. "Follow me into the Golden Room." I did as I was told and followed Azoko. He stopped and made sure that we were the only ones in the room.

"Shawn Miziki," he started. "You are the Chosen One." How did this Absol know my name and what was the deal with the Chosen One nonsense. I wanted answers now. "This room is one of the few in all of Dysillius that the Eyes of Fire cannot see." "It was constructed solely for the Chosen One."

"What's the deal with Dysillius, Nanokin Mountain, the slaves, the torment, and the Chosen One?" I asked quickly. "Am I dead or alive?" None of this made sense. I hadn't been that bad of a person. However I wasn't too good either.

"For the moment, you are dead as Shawn Miziki," Azoko answered. "But you are alive as the Chosen One." "It was said by the first slave pokemon of Dysillius that one day the Chosen One would come and free us all." "A Magby called Summit would come into Dysillius through the Eyes of Fire."

"The Eyes of Fire," I said quietly. "Jack used it to transport me here."

"Yes," Azoko stated while reading my mind. "Your enemy, Jack Kitzu stole it from Dakurus the Ho-oh." "Every four thousand years Dakurus goes to the human world to restore the power of the Eyes of Fire." "He had hoped to restore the eyes to their full power so that he could use them to free Dysillius."

"But Jack stole them," I finished. Azoko nodded his head.

"You must save Dysillius within ten years or I fear the worse," he stated. "That is all I can tell you." "You must discover everything else for yourself." I followed Azoko back into the room with the rest of the elders. As I walked out of the room, I noticed Bakino glaring at me. I ignored it and continued back to my cabin. The Machoke that I saw earlier had assigned Porallus and Lexon as my cabin mates after noticing how well we communicated.

"The elders have asked us to keep your idenity as the Chosen One a secret," Porallus informed. "And the guards have ordered us to teach you how to work in the mines." I looked over to Lexon who was eating a bowl of raw stew. It smelled disgusting, but I was hungry. I grabbed a bowl and began eating.

"It doesn't taste as bad as it smells," Lexon told me while he was finishing his third bowl. I didn't believe Lexon because he was a Munchlax and they pretty much ate anything. After I took my first swallow I wanted to vomit, but I didn't because I knew that I needed the energy. Porallus ate about two bowls before hopping on the single bunk. Lexon looked at me.

"I think you should sleep on the top because the top bunk can't really handle my weight," he said with a grin. I let out a small laugh and then climbed to the top of the bunk bed.

"Get some sleep, Summit," Porallus called from his bunk. "You'll need all the rest you can get before the sun rises." I looked down and noticed that Lexon was already asleep. He was definately living up to the Munchlax stereotypes.

I turned over and tried to sleep. I had to think of a way to free Nanokin Mountain, as well as the rest of Dysillius and I had to find the Eyes of Fire if I ever hoped to defeat Jack and return home. With these thoughts in my head, I slowly drifted to sleep.
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  #6  
Old 04-10-2008, 08:06 AM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire (PG-13)

A good start.
You should work on your formatting and dialogue a bit. I suggest looking up on how to write fan-fics.
And so you don't come to the wrong conclusion, it's not bad. It just needs reforming.
You also need to add more description and check over your work for mistakes, because I found a few.
A pretty good job though.
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Old 04-10-2008, 08:01 PM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire (PG-13)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Latias_Rider View Post
A good start.
You should work on your formatting and dialogue a bit. I suggest looking up on how to write fan-fics.
And so you don't come to the wrong conclusion, it's not bad. It just needs reforming.
You also need to add more description and check over your work for mistakes, because I found a few.
A pretty good job though.
Thanks I'll keep that in mind.
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Old 04-10-2008, 10:52 PM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire (PG-13)

Nice. Very nice. Very very nice.
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Old 04-11-2008, 07:51 PM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire (PG-13)

Chapter Three: The New Ally



A loud noise ran through the camp early the next morning. It sounded like an alarm. "All slaves report to your posts in one hour!" a voice on the intercom yelled. I hopped out my bunk and looked at my cabin mates. Lexon was eating what looked like a candy bar and Porallus was reading something.

"According to the list," Porallus began. "Today we're working in a group of three on the northeast side of the mountain." "It's a relatively easy job." "Lexon and I will mine the area and Summit will load the rocks in the crates." "We'll pretty much be alone there, so the Chosen One can discuss a plan to free Nanokin Mountain."

My eyes widened. I couldn't even cook toast. How was I suppose to think of a plan to free this place? The door swung open and a Vigoroth stood glaring at me. He turned to Porallus. "Since you have more experience than the other two, you are the leader of your team." "Make sure that Magby knows what he's doing." Porallus nodded his head. The Vigoroth walked out and slammed the door.

"It's about time to go," Lexon informed Porallus. He nodded his head and motioned for me to follow him. As we walked through Nanokin Mountain, I thought I would pass out from the cold. After about fifteen minutes of walking with all of our equipment, we reached our destination.

"Take a short rest, while Lexon and I start," Porallus told me. I nodded my head and stretched on the ground. They began mining the area. Porallus was a Monferno so it looked like he could easily smash any rock. After a while, I began to feel guilty that they were doing all of the work, so I got up and started putting the rocks in the first few crates. They were extremely heavy for a pokemon of my size.

"If I wasn't stuck as a Magby, this wouldn't even be a problem," I said to myself quietly. I knew I couldn't do this everyday. I had to think of a plan to get us out of here, without getting any slaves killed. Around noon, a Zangoose armed with some type of gun approached us in what appeared to be a red truck. His attention turned to Porallus.

"Status report," the Zangoose ordered.

"We've completed two-thirds of this area," Porallus reported. The Zangoose nodded his head and drove off. I was relieved, because that Zangoose could of easily killed us. I turned to Lexon.

"I didn't know the guards used actual guns," I told him. Lexon just nodded his head before continuing his work.

"Summit," Porallus called out. "I need you to go to the northeastern post and ask the guards for one more crate." "It's right down that dirt road." I really didn't want to do it, but since I was doing the least work, I knew I had to do something to make up for it. I began walking down the road. It had warmed up and the road seemed relaxing. Suddenly I noticed that red truck from before drive up right beside me. It was that same Zangoose. He let the window down and stared at me.

"You're that Magby that was working with the Monferno and the Munchlax?" he asked. I nodded my head. "Why aren't you there?"

"I need to get another crate from the northeastern post so that we can finish up our work," I answered.

"Well get in the truck and I'll take you to the post," he responded. I reluctantly got in the truck and buckled my seatbelt. The Zangoose began driving.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Summit," I answered flatly. He nodded his head and kept driving.

"Name's Timirus," the Zangoose replied. "I used to be a slave, but I got promoted when one of the other guards were killed." He shook his head. "Slavery is uneccessary and it's downright wrong." I couldn't keep my eyes off that gun that Timirus had in the back seat.

"What type of gun is that?" I asked randomly. I had seen every type of gun there is back in Goldenrod City, but I had never seen anything like that. It had a silver color and it made a contorted triangular shape.

"That's called a Silver Shredder," he answered. Something didn't seem right about this guy. He was acting way too friendly. Plus he was giving me a lot of information that I knew the guards wanted to keep secret. Then it hit me.

"You're not from here," I started. "You're working undercover for someplace else." Timirus was caught off guard. He stopped the truck and glared at me. Then he nodded his head.

"I'm from Imak Island," he began. "We are trying to free Dysillius from someone known as J.K." "Even though we have done wrong in our past lives, we believe that everyone should get a second chance and be free."

"Good," I replied. "I'm the Chosen One." "I'm here to free Dysillius." Timirus was speechless for a minute before reciting something.

"A Magby by the name of Summit," he said quietly. "With your help, Nanokin Mountain will be free in no time, as will the rest of Dysillius."

"Keep this a secret," I told him. "I need you to stay undercover for a few more months, while I get the elders to train me." "I will also continue working as a slave, so no suspicion comes up." "Get as many weapons as you can and hide them somewhere."

When we finally reached the post, I noticed some crates outside. I quickly ran over to one and put it in the back of Timirus's truck. He drove me back to Porallus and Lexon. I hopped out and grabbed the crate.

"I will meet you again soon, Summit," Timirus said as he drove off.

"What happened?" Lexon asked curiously.

"Nothing," I answered. "I just met a new ally."
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Old 04-11-2008, 11:57 PM
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Default Re: Burning Passion: The Eyes of Fire (PG-13)

Hmmm, a little on the short side for this one.

I also found one mistake too, where 'ran' should have been 'rang',
Also this:

"You're that Magby that was working with the Monferno and the Munchlax?" he asked.

--Shouldn't end in a question mark. Technically, it's a statement, and not a proper question unless you change it to:

"Aren't you that Magby that was working with the Monferno and the Munchlax?" He asked.

And as a final point, this chapter should have a bit more desciption. Like what the area looks like or something.
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