Re: I need some writing tips
I might sound like a parrot, but TOO MUCH DIALOGUE. Some of the sentences sound like Engrish. Try to be more descriptive as well; your words are very bland, and your sentences are pretty short. Also, since you're only nine years old, it's very unlikely for you to get a book published... And usually, chapters are longer than a page. It's good that you're enthusiastic and confident about writing, so keep trying. I'll use DragoniteMistress's system to rate it.
C for the effort. You could've took more time to write it.
C+ for the grammar. I didn't spot any punctuation errors, but as I stated before, some of your sentences sounded weird.
F+ (Is that a grade?) for creativity, setting, overall interest. I wasn't pulled in at all. Barry seemed like a complete cardboard cut-out of a character. He didn't seem to have much of a personality besides being a stereotypical angsty preteen. Same with the emo/goth sister. The setting was kind of boring, as well.
Don't take my criticism like an insult. I'm not trying to put you down.