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  #1  
Old 07-14-2007, 06:00 PM
Shadowzard's Avatar
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Default The Tragic Loss Preview

I know, I know, all of you people might of thought I gave up my fan fiction, but those who thought that were wrong! I'm working on it and here is a part of the story, please reply!

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It was near midnight, Hope and Turtwig were already sleeping in the tent. Riolu was sitting under a tree, his tears now dryed, his head in his arms, still thinking about what his new trainer said.

"Riolu, are you alright?" Machop said a he put a comforting arm on his shoulder, "I know it's hard for you to understand, but the truth is you'll never see him ag..."

"SHUT UP!" Riolu hit his old friend with a powerful move which caused him to fly about 6 feet. Machop eyes white. He landed on his back and yelled in pain, he couldn't move. Riolu was horrified at what he just did. A waterfall of tears came rushing down as he ran up to his fallen friend, it seemed as if time slowed. He sat beside him, crying.

"T...that was the move... that she used." He was out cold.

The young pokemon tried to stop his tears but they just kept coming, "What? What move, what are you talking about!"

"Force Palm..." Machop said before fainting.

Riolu noticed his friend wasn't talking anymore, not even moving, he was out cold.

"What have I done..."
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Last edited by Shadowzard; 07-14-2007 at 11:48 PM.
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  #2  
Old 07-14-2007, 06:20 PM
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Default Re: My Preview

Great! I'm glad that you've started writing! =]

It was well written, nice use of words, and good grammar and spelling. Just try and be more descriptive. It wasn't all that long, so adding more description will lengthen it up quite a bit.

I'm not sure if it was meant to be short, being the Preview...

But Chapters need to be 3-5 pages on Microsoft Word. [/goldenrule]

I liked it, and I think it has potential! Just try and lengthen it with description and other things.

Your first fan,

Djax94
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  #3  
Old 07-14-2007, 06:37 PM
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Default Re: My Preview

Thanks, I know it wasn't that long but I still have to work on it more, and thanks for your praise!
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  #4  
Old 07-14-2007, 06:43 PM
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Default Re: My Preview

You're very welcome!

I'm glad that you're writing, and everyone needs feedback, good or bad!

Can't wait for the first chapter!

Djax94
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  #5  
Old 07-14-2007, 06:57 PM
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Default Re: My Preview

Thanks again, if anybody has anything else to say please post!
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  #6  
Old 07-14-2007, 07:16 PM
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Default Re: My Preview

Quote:
Originally Posted by Shadowzard View Post
Thanks again, if anybody has anything else to say please post!
Pretty good. It's like when you read the end of a book with a sequel, and it gives you a little snippet of the next book in the series, except in this case you actually have no idea who any of he characters are. Can't wait to see the full thing.
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  #7  
Old 07-14-2007, 08:04 PM
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Default Re: My Preview

Eeveeking is being nice! YAY!

I totally agree with you there, and I can't wait either!

This post is kinda superfluous... But still... [/posh sounding words]

Djax94
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  #8  
Old 07-14-2007, 11:38 PM
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Default Re: My Preview

Oh my, I cant wait to read the first chapter, it was amazing!
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  #9  
Old 07-14-2007, 11:42 PM
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Default Re: My Preview

Thanks everyone, I know it is short but remember it's only a part of my story and if I did type down everything here it would be a part on it's own! Oh well, you guys will find out what is really happening when I start this part.
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