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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Interactive Boards » Creative Writing

Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 06-09-2007, 11:35 AM
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Post Ghosts...

Ghosts... is about a house who and many families who are atracted to it but get killed in it and no one knows what is happening.

narrator: one day a family is atracted to a house on the outskirts of town. late did they know that the devil was living in it. As the daughter walked into the house she felt a sudden sense of hatred and death. she asked her mom if she was feeling the same thing but when the mom turned around her pupils had taken over her entire eyes. She Was Possessed! The daughter screamed and ran into the basement. She heard a snorting sound and imediantly felt very sick. The mom and dad took her to the hospital. there in the hospital she died... when the mom and dad got home they cried themselves to death.
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  #2  
Old 06-09-2007, 04:51 PM
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Default Re: Ghosts...

Well... for the moment it's rather clichéd (stories of haunted houses are always the same).
It's also quite short, and this mades the story uninteresting : you should have written a whole chapter with only these things happening, and btw you could have made a prologue instead of that short first sentence
Quote:
Ghosts... is about a house who and many families who are atracted to it but get killed in it and no one knows what is happening.
And I think you should have focused on the daughter's feelings as she gets possessed because in my opinion it's the only thing that could make this kind of stories interesting.

... and don't get angry because of what I said : it's meant to help you ;)
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  #3  
Old 06-10-2007, 10:39 AM
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Default Re: Ghosts...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Treeky111 View Post
Ghosts... is about a house who and many families who are atracted to it but get killed in it and no one knows what is happening.

narrator: one day a family is atracted to a house on the outskirts of town. late did they know that the devil was living in it. As the daughter walked into the house she felt a sudden sense of hatred and death. she asked her mom if she was feeling the same thing but when the mom turned around her pupils had taken over her entire eyes. She Was Possessed! The daughter screamed and ran into the basement. She heard a snorting sound and imediantly felt very sick. The mom and dad took her to the hospital. there in the hospital she died... when the mom and dad got home they cried themselves to death.
Its short, but not as short as my first one, it kinda died ;_;
Quote:
cried themselves to death.
thats unrealistic xDDD but its good.
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  #4  
Old 06-12-2007, 08:12 PM
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Default A haunting

Espeonlover, ever heard of "dieing of sadness" but anyway here is chapter 2:

chapter 2: the next family

only weeks later, after the first family died, a new family moved in. They to had a daughter. Her name was Emily. she to experienced feelings about the house. After the family had settled in there new home, Emily started hearing odd noises coming from right outside her window. She finally looked, but there was no one there. Then she heard the faucet running in the bathroom. she went in there but there was still no one there. She looked at the time and saw it was almost time for the bus to come. She went to high school and the bus came very early so she got dressed, and started combing her hair. As she looked in the mirror she saw something behind her in the reflection. It was a creepy woman with a very rinkled face.Emily quickly turned around to see the wierd woman disapear. she quickly ran out of the house, jumped in her car, and went to a phykiotrist. The Phyciotrist said she was crazy, and she was killed. The parents realized they're life had no meaning and decided to become assasins. Finally they were caught and killed also. And the house was put up for sale. Yet again...
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  #5  
Old 06-12-2007, 08:28 PM
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Default Re: Ghosts...

Ridiculously short. You need at least 3 pages in Microsoft Word, you should probably get a Beta Reader, and you need to spice up the plot. Make it original. Not just- "someone moved in, then this happened, then that happened". There's no excitement here.
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  #6  
Old 06-12-2007, 08:39 PM
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Default Re: Ghosts...

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordZangoose View Post
Ridiculously short. You need at least 3 pages in Microsoft Word, you should probably get a Beta Reader, and you need to spice up the plot. Make it original. Not just- "someone moved in, then this happened, then that happened". There's no excitement here.
Ture. It's very short. Now I see:

No capitals on the words that start a new sentece.(yeah I spelled the last word wrong.)

And that's next. Your spelling.
Quote:
dieing
it's
Quote:
dying
And the story is staring off on someone who buys a house,but then put's it up for sale?! Now you can break it into parts. Like one chapter you tell the beinging,then the plot,then the rest.

Can you make sence in you writing? Think to yourself

Is it real? Could it happen to someone?

No one can cry untill they die.

It's not neat either... Sorry That's all I could pick up.
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  #7  
Old 06-12-2007, 08:39 PM
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Default fin

i would like absolutly NO comments about my writing
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  #8  
Old 06-12-2007, 08:43 PM
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Default Re: fin

Quote:
Originally Posted by Treeky111 View Post
i would like absolutly NO comments about my writing
Well we'er trying to help on your story so people will comment.
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  #9  
Old 06-12-2007, 08:43 PM
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Default Re: fin

Quote:
Originally Posted by Treeky111 View Post
i would like absolutly NO comments about my writing
WHAT?! Everyone so far that has posted has commented about your writing. Whether good or bad, they've still talked about your story which is your writing. And if you want no comments, then how do you ever expect to improve? We point out what's wrong.

((This is the second coming of pixlepix))
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  #10  
Old 06-12-2007, 08:51 PM
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Default Re: Ghosts...

LZ is right. If you haven't had seen the comments we make then you would be writing more and more without knowing if it needs more imporvement.
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  #11  
Old 06-13-2007, 01:07 PM
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Default Re: fin

Quote:
Originally Posted by Treeky111 View Post
i would like absolutly NO comments about my writing
Yeah, no comments. Only compliments. DO you actually expect someone will enjoy something this short? And croon over it and tell you what a nice time they had reading it and that they wish to see more? If you expect that, then obviously you need more practice in writing and more importantly, logical assumptions.

Look, did you actually see positive comments before you posted your just-as-bad-as-the-first-chapter second chapter? And even if you know they were criticism, did you actually know they were trying to help you improve your writing so that you're not just posting utter crap on this Fandom? The answer to both questions is No, isn't it? Even if you knew, you didn't actually try and change it, right? Well, let me tell you something, please read the fandom rules in the Pokemon Fan Fiction subforum and write according to that. Unless you think you're already very good, obviously that's what you think considering you didn't bother to consider the comments. And no, you're not good. At all. If you don't want comments on this, then nobody just post here and let this used-tissue-paper of a story "cry itself to death".

Quote:
Originally Posted by LordZangoose
((This is the second coming of pixlepix))
Just what I was thinking. But eventually Pixlepix got tired of criticism and decided to quit writing, right? I don't think that will happen to this guy.
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Last edited by Shiny Loser; 06-13-2007 at 01:11 PM.
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