Kuchum, Not Ketchum, Kuchum
Two men in business suits are standing at a platform in a train station. The men notice each other and they give a brief greeting.
“Hey Steve.” The man said.
“Hey Ron” The guy replied.
“Train running a little late?” Ron asked.
“Yeah, it should be here in a few minutes.” Steve said while looking at his watch.
They stood there for a few more minutes staring at the tracks.
“So did you watch SmallVille last night?” Ron asked.
14 months later…
A whistle is blown as the morning commuter train enters the station.
“Friggin finally.” Said Ron stomping his foot impatiently.
As the train pulled into the busy train station a guy that seemed to be 15 was smearing against the glass with a big smile on his face.
“Oh boy, I’m finally here!” The kid thought to himself as the train made a full stop.
He happily skipped out and walked onto the busy platform. Everywhere, people were pushing and shoving as they made their way through the station. As he looked around he noticed an Electabuzz coming his way holding a camera.
“Hi Electabuzz!” He shouted.
“Say Pokemon.” The Electabuzz said while snapping the guy’s picture.
“Thank you! Your photo will be available at the Pokemon Gift shop after 5 O’clock today.
“Hmm, tourists trap eh?” He thought to himself. I’m not shelling out for pictures, I don’t really nee-“
Suddenly a he spots a Charzard standing right next to him.
“Ohh, I want one with the Charzard! I want one with the Charzard!” He shouted with joy.
“For a few dollars more, you can put it on a T-shirt.”
As he skipped happily along, he notices a bum and hands over his bag.
“Hi, can you take this to my hotel room? Thank you.”
“Uh, what are you… what?”
“Well, I got to go now. Bye bye mister hobo!”
As he passed through the fist gate a girl on his left grabbed him.
“Team Rocket stopped our train and kidnapped my father and took him off in the woods. I haven’t seen him, it’s been weeks!” The girl said as she started to cry.
“Hmmm, I think she’s hitting on me.” He thought to himself.
He left her and made his way towards the main lobby of the train station. It was full of tables, broken bottles and old newspapers and soda machines.
“Don’t drink the water. It’s $2.95 a bottle.” A guy near the pop machine said.
“I’ll try to remember that.” He said while walking on. “Gotta be a cab around he—Oh my god!”
Before him was long line of people waiting to get through security. The line stretched around this fence gate 3 times before getting to the nearest security stand.
“Look at this line. My travel agent said this wasn’t peak season.”
“You should see the beaches.” A man said.
“Welp, looks like I’ll be waiting here for a bit, might as well make the most of it.” He walked to the nearest person and introduced himself. Hi I’m Ash Kuchum.” He said to a nearby local.
Suddenly everyone in the station stopped talking and all looked at him. Ash looked pretty surprised as all eyes were on him.
“I said Kuchum.”
“Do I detect the birth of a recurring gag?” A man next to him said.
“I’m sure it won’t come up again.”
Everyone then turned away and went back to whatever was going on in the station. Ash was still standing next to the guy at the bench. He looked at Ash with a suspicious look.
“What did you say your name was?” He asked.
“Not Ash Ketchum?”
“Not Ash Ketchum the so-called Pokemon Master in training?
“Not Ash Ketchum, the kid that will save the city from Team Rockets major plan to overthrow the city and
take over the world?”
“You’re not Ash Ketchum.”
“You’re Ash Kuchum?”
“The sausage king of chic-
As the line moved faster, Ash quickly walked away from the man and went through the checkpoint. As he crossed over to security, a cop came over to him and stopped him.
“Did you pack your own bag?” The cop asked swinging his nightstick.
“Yes.” Ash responded.
“Did anyone ask you to carry an item for them?”
“A man on the train asked me to hold him. Does that count?”
“No. Please remover your shoes and step through the gates.”
As Ash came through the gates, he notices a camera snapping pictures overhead.
“Wow, they sure like to take photos here. Good thing I’m so photogenic.”
*Snap* *Snap* Snap*
As he walked near the exit he saw another cop near him. The cop noticed Ash and dropped a nearby soda can off a trash can.
“Pick up that trash.” The cop ordered.
“Sure.” Ash said as he picked it up.
“Throw it in the trash can.” The cop ordered again.
“Throw it in the trash can? Or put it in the trash can?”
“Because if I throw it, I might accidently hit you, thus giving you the excuse to give me a beating with your
club there, so that’s why you said throw it right?”
“Instead of put?”
“So you can give me a beating?”
“…. Oh what the hell.”
“A beating!” The cop said as he is about to swing the nightstick at Ash.
Outside the station…
Ash walks outside the station and gets a glimpse of the city. He overlooked a small park with a golden Poke ball on it and followed by a few people walking around. As he looks about he notices a strange figure looking at him near a doorway.
“Hmmm, I wonder why that guy is covered in a robe and has a purple tail sticking out.” He thought to himself. “You know, I bet he could answer some important questions for me.”
“Hey buddy!” He called out. “Is that a T.G.I Fridays over there, and is it open? “
The figure just walked into the building dragging his purple tail behind him. Ash runs up to the building to where the thing just walked into. He opens the door and realized the room was empty. Only a few stacked boxes were seen. Ash scratches his head as he looks around.
“Hm, that’s odd. He was just here. It’s like he just vanished. How did he… wait a second.”
He noticed a set of ears coming out from behind a crate. Behind it was a Mewtwo trying to stay hidden.
“Walk away… jussss walk away.” The Mewtwo thought to himself.
“Hi.” Ash said.
“****.” It said to himself.
“Hey, watcha doing back there, trying to look like you mysteriously disappeared or something? Ash asked.
“Nooooo” The Mewtwo said slowly raising his head from the crate. “Nnnoootttt at all… I sim-pl-y lost a contact lennnnnnsssseee.” The Mewtwo said in a low and slow voice.
“Uh-huh. What’s with the weird voice and inflection? Trying to make it seem you’re not comfortable with the English language?”
“I hate my job.” The Mewtwo thought to himself as he started to leave the room.
“Hey where you going, can I come? Is there any place to eat here? Do you live here? If you do, do you know a where I could crash for the night?”
“I’d take all the effort in the world to get myself separated from this clown.” Mewtwo said to himself. “It has seemed you have annoyed me for the last time Ketchum.”
“Kuchum.” Ash corrected.
“KKKKKKK… I’m afraid this is where I leave. LOOK A U.F.O!
“What! Where?” Ash said while searching the sky. About after ten seconds of looking, he realized there was no U.F.O so he turned back. To his surprise the Mewtwo had vanished.
“Wow, looks like he can really disappear. I almost doubted him for a second.” Ash said while walking away.
Above him, the Mewtwo was hanging from a light pole watching him leave.
“I gotsssssssss to get a nnnnneeeewwww job.” He said while trying to climb down.
After walking around the city, he realized what he needed to do when he wants to live in the big city. He needed a place to live but he first needed a job. After walking around some bad areas he founded a large building that looked almost abandoned but for some reason, it went all the way to the sky. He looked at the sign at the entrance to the building,
Team Rockets secret head quarters I mean Pichu Corp., yeah Pichu Corp. We are just another friendly corporation that will try to take over the world I mean, that will make things for a better living. And we do not use legendary Pokemon to fulfill our evil deeds. um… long sign ain’t it? Oh, did you know that we are environment friendly?
“Wow, what a nice thing they do. Who wouldn’t want to protect our environment? I feel completely safe knowing they won’t turn me into a Pichu or any other type of Pokémon that they would use for their plane to take over the world. Well why am I still out here, I got to get a C.V.”
He skips inside the building feeling confident for the day ahead. As he walked in he was met by a dark and empty lobby. In front of him was a desk with a Tyranitar behind it. He looked at Ash with a lazy eye. Ash walked over to it with a big smile on his face.
“Hi! I’d like to apply for a job at this Pichu Corp., where they are really friendly and safe. Here is my C.V.”
He gives the Tyranitar a piece of paper and he looks at it.
“This isn’t a C.V., it’s just an old newspaper.”
“You think its easy finding paper these days in this part of town? I wrote my skills and qualification in the margins, see?”
“Stick-to-it-iveness” isn’t a word.” It said with a bored look on his face.
“Irregardless, can I set up and interview?”
“Sure, just join that group of people over there and wait for the elevator.”
Ash walked over to the group of people waiting by an elevator door. They all looked frightened and scared as they we’re being watched by two guards holding machine guns.
“Hi everybody, what’s new?” Ash asked waving and smiling at them.
“Oh man, they got you too?” A guy in a brown jacket said.
“No, I’m trying to find a job here.”
“They must have brainwashed him, poor thing.” A woman said.
The elevators opened and the guards pushed them in. The elevator was big and had a TV behind the door. When the elevator started going up, the TV came on. On the screen, a man with dark hair and a brown suit came on. His face looked friendly as he started talking,
“Welcome,” He said to everyone in the elevator, “Welcome, to Teams Rockets science lab, also known as HELL! HELL! YOUR ALL GOING TO DIE! BWA HA HA HA HA!”
Everyone looked in at the screen, jaw dropped while the guy laughed.
“Alright alright, enough joking around guys, let’s start rolling.” He said. On his right, a man with a brown hat came up to him and whispered something in his ear. The man’s face went from happy to embarrass.
“Ah, what I mean is that you are safe and nothing bad will happen.” He said while fixing his tie.
“Phew, isn’t that a relief?” Ash said while everyone else’s jaws where still dropped.
In the interviewing room…
In a small office, a Pichu in a business suit was slumped in his chair, almost falling asleep.
“Is it Friday yet?” He said while sinking into his chair.
Suddenly a tall woman opened the door and peeked her head into the door.
“Mr. Henderson?” She said in a gentle voice. “Your four o’clock interview is here.”
“Kay.” He said while straightening up. “Need coffee first.” He said while trying to grab his coffee cup.
He struggled to try to grab the mug but accidently tips it over and it falls to the ground and shatters, leaving a pool of coffee on the floor.
“Curse my puny little arms.” He said.
Few minutes later….
“Where and when was your last job and why did you leave?” Mr. Henderson asked Ash.
“Well,” Ash said, “My last job was with Team Magma Research Facility in a top secret location, an intermediate amount of time ago. Life was simpler back then and promises to buy beers to under minors were often made. I’d been working as an assistant for this scientist for a few weeks when some ancient Pokemon called the Exmortis was released for one of the sectors and killed over 89% of the faculty in fewer than ten minutes. Soon, the army arrived and killed everyone else and then the facility was nuked killing the Exmortis itself.”
“I can see why you quit.”
“Well that, plus they were real ****s about paying over time.”
“What would you say your worst quality was?
“Damn, I hate this question.” Ash thought to himself. “You have to criticize yourself, but still come off extremely hirable.”
“Well?” Mr. Henderson said impatiently.
“My worst quality is… that I work to hard!” Ash said smiling.
“No,” Mr. Henderson said shaking his head. “The correct response was: “I am a disgusting, pathetic human, barely evolved from ape-level and should really be living in a forest while we Pokemon should live in the cities.”
“Damn! I was about to say that too.”
“If you observe a Co-Worker stealing, what would you do?”
“Tell my supervisor immediately?”
“Actually, we prefer to take the human into the experiment chamber and turn him into a Caterpie and then feed them to the dogs.”
“Well sure, naturally.” Ash replied nervously.
“Okay, I have one last question before I electrocute you to death.”
“Zap me! I mean ask away.”
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Ummm… behind your desk!”
“Sorry, I was looking for: In an off world Team Rocket enslavement colony. Where you would be a slave and do all the hard work as a small Eevee.”
“This isn’t going well.” Ash thought to himself.
“I would have accepted “Dead” as well.”
Mr. Henderson went to his computer and typed in something. He looked at the screen and gave a dull look. He then turned to Ash still with a dull look.
“I’m sorry, but we just don’t have any openings for someone of your qualifications. Don’t forget me shocking you on your way out and have nice d—
Suddenly a large explosion rocked the building making dust and smoke enter the room.
“Oh my god, they killed Kenny!” A guy screamed out.
Ash and Mr. Henderson looked to where the yell came from and were silent for the time being.
“Now that I think about it,” He said breaking the silence. “We have a opening at purchasing. Welcome aboard!”
“Can I have Friday off?” Ash asked while shaking the Pichu’s hand.
I just started my new job at your Corporation; the man told me if I write you a letter, you would show it on your Team Rocket network. Hey maybe I’ll run into you sometime as well. Anyways, I have a question you might be able to answer. I was in Sub-Basement 101 a little while ago, when suddenly…
, I tried to run, but I realized I had no strength in my legs! As I strolled slowly in sheer terror, I noticed my flashlight, (you know, the one they attached to my chest?) was running low.
So, my question is this: Is my ability to sprint somehow tied to the level of power remaining in my flashlight battery? And, if so, how does that make any ******* sense?
Sincerely, a confused employee.
P.S.: Write back. I need to know ASAP.
Meanwhile back in Ash’s office…
Mr. Henderson barged in with an angry look on his face. He stomped his way past a few office spaces until he found Ash’s. Ash was on the computer playing mine sweep.
“Mr. Kuchum.” Henderson said in a commanding voice. Ash didn’t pay attention.
“Mr. Kuchum!” He yelled making Ash shake abet and quickly close the game returning to his work.
“Sorry, sir I was just uh…. Buying some more mines for the uh….
“Never mind that. Remember when I asked you to order 100 explosive barrels for the demolition crew?
“Mmhmm.” Ash said while pretending to type in some things.
“Well, the order arrived and there are more than 100.”
“Oh, yeah, there was a price break if we ordered 1,000, so I figured…
“There are more than 1,000.” Mr. Henderson interrupted.
“How many are there?”
“Huh! Really! Looks like I goofed. Must have hit the zero key a couple extra times when I was typing the order up. My bad.” He said with an anime sweat drop going down his face.
“Mr. Kuchum what… I need this to look more dramatic. Can you lift me on to your desk?”
“Uh, o.k.” Ash said while grabbing Mr. Henderson, and placing him on his work desk.
“Now then. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE SUPPOSE TO DO WITH 100,000 EXPLOSIVE BARRELS!?” Mr. Henderson yelled while grabbing Ash’s collar and shook him violently.
“Whoa-whoa chills Mr. Henderson!” Ash said while being rocked violently. Soon Mr. Henderson stopped and took some deep breaths.
“Got to calm down. Remember your blood pressure.” He checks his pulse and counts silently. “O.k., what were you saying?”
“Well, do you see 10-key skills on my resume? ‘Cos it ain’t on there. And this is why!
“Whatever,” Mr. Henderson said while jumping off the desk. “Just find a place to put all in or I’ll fire your ass.”
When he was out of site, Ash quickly picked up the phone and distribution.
“Hello, Distribution? This is Ash Kuchum up in purchasing…. No, Kuchum. Anyway, some idiot ordered 100,000 explosive barrels and now I have to find a place to put them all. Can you help me out?”
Few hours later…
Mr. Henderson’s eye was twitching as he was next to Ash looking at stacks and stacks of explosive barrels.
“You put all these barrels near the support beams of this complex!” Mr. Henderson yelled.
“Eh, what’s the worst that could happen?” Ash said.
A few days later…
What up, Dawg? Work is doing well for me here in this miserable office, but for the most part I really dig this place, but I have a question I’m hoping you would answer for me. There are some really fine looking ladies at this place and yet when I see them, I don’t feel any…
Well for lack of a better term, URGES. I got no angle on my dangle, you feel me?
I guess my question is this:
Why do you put us through these gates that make us not feel, well you know. Is there something that you people are against? Or is it that there is a sexual harassment going on in this area?
A concerned employee.
PS: Seriously! Kuchum gots to get his freak on!
PPS: I love your show! You Rock! TTYL!
“Hmmm, I wonder if he edits these letters before he reads them on his program.” Ash thought to himself as he places the letter in the T.R.E.B.P (Team Rocket Employee Broadcasting Program) mail box.
“Alright Kuchum calm down, calm down. You can do this, just take a deep breath.” Ash said to himself as he walked towards a female employee.
“So, Michelle… I know the suppression field inhibits our urge to do it an’ all… but how about we go out Friday night?”
“Friday night I have mandatory trash detail.” She said while typing up some report.
“Okay, how about Saturday afternoon?” Ash asked nervously.
“I plan to spend all day Saturday sobbing.” She then turned to Ash in a dramatic way. “Sobbing Kuchum. Sobbing uncontrollably. For Behold! Behold this grim dismal fate that has befallen us! Slaves are we, brutalized and pushed to the very brink of humiliation and defeat! Is this the end? Is it Kuchum? Is it!?”
She then covered her hands and started to sob. Ash just stood there in his happy world.
“….. Saturday night?” Ash asked.
“I’m doing laundry.” Michelle said while she finished the rest of her report.
What do you think?