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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.

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Old 06-07-2007, 10:41 PM
Jaden0527's Avatar
Jaden0527 Offline
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Location: Sailing the Grand Line but when I go home,I'm in Las Vegas Nevada
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Default Gate Keeper: The Key

I not great with the ratings so bear with me. Nothing really bad happens in this chapter, but is does get worse,

Oh my God. Jaden0527 is making another stupid fan fiction. This fan fiction is to try to use the critiscm i've taken and put it into use. So please read and criticize. I'm not expecting anyone to though. I'll be if you just get through this part.

Chapter 1:
Addison walked down the dirt stained hallway. She had just walked in and her shoes were already covered with mud and gum. “Oh no. I just got these. When did this school get so dirty?” Addison asked herself.

Addison surveyed the whole school, or at least what she could see. From the horribly spray painted lockers to the chipped red doors. Nothing even matched. Addison pulled her backpack from off her back, trying not to drop it. She threw everything on the floor as she searched for her locker number. “7-6- something. Wait. That's the combination. Aww.” Addison looked to the sky praying to God that this wouldn't be the worst school year ever.

Addison yelped. A boy with short black hair was all she could see. By the movement of her shoulders he was laughing. “I told you I would make her jump.” The boy saud. Addison shook her head and bent down to pick up her books. “Even better, my books landed in the mud.”

Next thing she knew, Addison was faced first in mud. She was ear deep and could barely hear. “Warch it.” is what she heard. She quickly sat up and tried to wipe off as much mud as she could. It didn't help at all.

People passed her and didn't help her. No matter how many times she was knocked over. Addison's anger was rising. She was almost ready to hurt someone. Knocked down once again she made a fist with her right hand. She was about to punch who ever pushed her again. She found a black sleeve wrapped around her arm. It pulled her up. “Sorry. I didn't mean to knock you down.” A boy said. He wore a black hat with the lid covering one of his blue eyes. A neckalace with a pokeball on it hung down over his black long sleeve shirt. His jeans were slightly faded and his shoes were dirty too. To Addison it didn't matter. She just wanted to date him.

“No problem. Thanks. By any chance would you want to go out this week?” Addison asked cheerfully. The smile on the boy's face quickly faded like his jeans. “I'm dating someone already. Sorry.” The boy left imediately after. Addison trailed off into the office, hoping a shower was in there.

“Addison, here's your pokemon!” Ashley yelled. Ashley waved her hand franticlly to get Addison's attention. Ashley's blonde curls wang back and forth, opposite of her hands. “How'd you know it was me?” Addison asked grimmly. “ I can recognize my friends, no matter what they're covered in. I can get you a shower in the P.E locker rooms if you want.”
Addison's frown changed to a smile and then right back to a frown. She remebered she wa just turned down. “What's wrong?” Ashley chirped. Addison just stood there. “Ooh. There's something wrong with the girls locker room. You'll have yo use the boys.

“I would say this day couldn't get any worse, but I'm sure it will,” Addison mumbled dragging her backpack on the carpet.
End of chapter 1

You'll find out why this fan fic is called Gate Keeper: The Key in the next chapter. I promise, there will be pokemon in the next chapter. I know it sucked but I don't care. Unless you post here to let me know it sucks. But this fan fic is my way of improving. You learn by doing.

I also didn't realize how short this was. Sorry. I really need responses for this, because the purpose of this is to write one chapter. Have it criticized then work on what they told me to change in the next chapter. So this fan fic won't work with out you.

Last edited by Jaden0527; 06-07-2007 at 11:31 PM.
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Old 06-07-2007, 11:11 PM
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Default Re: Gate Keeper: The Key(Rated R)

I'm not sure this is alowwed, the golden rule is PG 13 to 15 only.
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Old 06-07-2007, 11:30 PM
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Default Re: Gate Keeper: The Key(Rated R)

Really? I didn't know that. I'll change it.
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Old 06-08-2007, 12:49 AM
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Default Re: Gate Keeper: The Key

Was that just a preveiw to Chapter one, it wasn't really that long....

C a e c i t y -- The blindness {{of love.}}

JentleViolence, my p a i r.
Empoleonx2, my former s o u l.

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Old 06-08-2007, 04:44 PM
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Jaden0527 Offline
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Default Re: Gate Keeper: The Key

Basically. I didn't know it was that short. It is chapter 1. I'm going to try to make chapter 2 longer. If people would critique me.
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Old 06-08-2007, 05:18 PM
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Default Re: Gate Keeper: The Key

Well, the chapter was okay --- definitely very short, as others have said. I do think it was... okay. Your description was mediocre, and the plot could have been better. It has the beginning of any chick flick, basically, except she was weird and actually tried to ask him out, which doesn't seem logical...

Anyways, it was okay. It isn't really interesting at all, but what can you expect from ultra-short first chapters, aye?
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Old 06-08-2007, 07:04 PM
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Jaden0527 Offline
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Location: Sailing the Grand Line but when I go home,I'm in Las Vegas Nevada
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Default Re: Gate Keeper: The Key

Chapter 2:

Addison peered through the double doors of the P.E room. Boys were flinging towels at each other, flexing their muscles that weren't there on most of them.

Their ironic gym teacher who was a little on the pudgy side slept with his mouth open in his office, drool slipped out onto the floor. It was enough to make him wake up and fall out of his chair.

The gym teacher picked up his whistle and clip board in one hand and a plate with a half eaten sandwich in the other. “What type of gym teacher is this?” Addison asked out loud. Everyone stopped and turned towards the door. Addison mashed her hand in the door trying to close it so quick.

It took everything not to scream. Her hand looked horrible with the purple line around it.

The pain in her hand went in a steady pattern like a heartbeat. “Forget about it. Just go outside and run and stuff. Free day.

” The voice must've belonged to the gym teacher. Of course the boys wouldn't be saying that.

The gym teacher took a deep breath and spoke again. “Yes, Allen?” Addison peaked back in the door. The black haired boy who had hit her on the but had his hand raised. “Uh, Mr.Shamey are you not married because you're fat?” Allen asked. Mr.Shamey shook his head and pointed to the door on the other side of the room. “Everyone outside.” He said with his head down.

Addison tip-toed in as soon as everyone was gone. She threw a pokeball out, hoping for her charmeleon. She got her wish. “Give me a little light please.” Addison said. Charmeleon opened his mouth and shot a weak ember. The room barely lit up.

Addison found the shower as quick as she could. She neatly folded her clothes neatly in a square and turned on the freezing cold water. “Cold!” She shouted. She covered her mouth fearing someone heard.

“Maybe if I wait, it'll get hotter. Wait, I don't have time to
wait.” Addison quenched her eyes and stepped under the water. “It'll be over soon,” she thought.

Addison washed up as quickly as she could. She walked over to her clothes and put them on. A little handheld was neatly placed under her shirt.

“What's this?” She wondered. A ceam of light shined out of the screen. The room started to shake as the floor crumbled.

“Pidgeot go!” Addison exclaimed. The red light shot out but it disenagrated. “Pidgeot no!”

Addison's Charmeleon grabbed Addison and ran torwards the exit door. It started to glow like the floor. “Charmeleon, fire blast the wall.” Addison demanded. the fire obliterated the wall. Addison jumped through the wall. Her charmeleon followed.

Addison stopped at the first class she saw. She flung open the door. “Come on, run. The what ever is is going to get us!” Addison yelled. The class looked up from their books. They all must've thought she was crazy.

Addison turned back torwards the P.E room. The light was still chasing her.
“Damn it! If you don't want to listen, fine then.” Addison kept running toward the exit of the school. Maybe it would stop chasing her then.

The light came from all sides. There was no place to run. She turned back to see if the class had followed her. Students just watched her with confused looks. The light was right behind them now. “Run!” She yelled.

Addison pointed torwards the light. The students turned around and must've saw nothing. they shook their heads and turned right back.

Addison was bombarded by the light. Her skin burned. She thought she was being lit on fire. She could see her pidgeot flying around peacefully. She tried to reach for Pidgeot but something was in her way. Her charmeleon joined the pidgeot. All of her pokemon did.

Addison blacked out. She woke up in a weird looking world. A necklace was around her neck with a note inside. “Digi-destined, pokemon trainer. Your destiny has come true.” Addison read. She looked at her hand wich had no pain anymore. The bruise was gone. Another note was beside her. She read it. “The digital world is impossible to escape without a digimon. You can't capture one and most likely you can't befriend them. The digimon pick you, and the one that has chosen you, beckons you to unleash its power,” Addison started, “I know where I am but where's this digimon they're talking about at.”

“Yub sibbing on em,” something said. “What? Who said that?” Addison asked. She stood up and looked around. “You were sitting on me, Pupmon. I'm the one who chose you!” Pupmon exclaimed.

“Great, how will I make it through here with you?” Addison asked herself.

“You won't.” A big booming voice came from nowhere. Addison started to run again but was stopped. “You didn't leave quick enough, so face the rath of Buffmon!” Buffmon shouted.

End of chapter 2

Realize that I'm making up these digimon. Please tell me that this chapter was a little more entertaining. now get to critiqing.
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