Pokemon: the quest to find a Lucario - Pokemon Forum

bmmysterio · #1 05-19-2007, 02:57 PM

Once Brandon was walking through a town when an old man ran up to him and told him, "Hey young man, you must be a Pokemon trainer, right? Well rumor has it theres a wild Lucario on those mountains up there," he pointed in the direction Brandon came from,"last night it was reported being seen flying into those hills.

Before the old man finished, Brandon went running to the mountain! When he got there he saw something flying around but it was too dark to see. He walked toward it and realized it was blue

He realised it was the Lucario. The Lucario saw him and let out an ice beam that made the whole cave shake, then rocks started falling, Lucario was going nuts! She was blasting everything in sight. brandon ran out as fast as he possibly could as the whole mountain crumbled and fell.

TO BE CONTINUED TOMORROW

The Maple Syrup Baptist · #2 05-19-2007, 03:46 PM

Ummm...

Ok, there are grammar and spelling problems nigh every sentence. You spelled realize and realise in one line (it's realize BTW), and names are ALWAYS capitalized.

The story starts uninspired and without purpose. It's like me waking up and walking outside, and some guy comes up to me and says "Hey, 2 blocks down I saw a new guitar laying on the road!" I'd ask this guy if he was high.

I've read some Fan Fiction, and it's much longer than this. This is short and not sweet.

And Lucario can't learn Ice Beam. Just because it's a Fan Fic doesn't allow the sacrafice of some realism...

I'd give it, so far, 1/10, being completely honest.

Eternal Legend · #3 05-19-2007, 05:36 PM

This is to short,no presentation and sorta boring.Here is a little resume

Brandon see's a Lucario

that is all there is,even if this is the Prelogue you still need something that will have people want to read this.

4/10 i did not see any grammar problems

Realityxxx · #4 05-20-2007, 12:17 AM

Not Bad For A Newbie...at least it's not in the Rp fourm again....5/10.....but tone it up a little ok?

LordZangoose · #5 05-20-2007, 12:19 AM

This sucks horribly. No offense. Have you read any of the guides or taken anything above 4th Grade Literature classes?

Hoshika · #6 05-20-2007, 01:46 AM

What kind of chapter is this?! Work on your grammar and punctuation. And that smilie... just... no. It's not good there.

Rawr · #7 05-26-2007, 10:05 PM

It needs to be waaaaaaaay longer. More descriptive, gently lead into things. You CAN make it better. Well, thats all from me. Keep trying, post the next chapter soon and I'll be back!

Lucarichi · #8 05-28-2007, 12:49 AM

dude...... this sucks bigtime o-o here're some tips:
1.) add more desciption to it. like.... Brandon should talk to the guy and ask stuff and get more info. also, maybe some stuff on the way to the hills.
2.)add more a lot of stuff. IT'S TO SHORT FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!!!O-O... sorry for flaming...