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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 03-26-2007, 01:44 AM
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Default Ghosts and Ghouls

Pokemon to get: . Two Unown.


"I don't believe in Ghosts!" he shouted stubbornly to the surronding children. Greeted with nothing but a laugh, Belzrin scowled, squatting into a fighting stance and clenching his little hands into fists. "I'll show you. I bet I can stay in there FIVE times as long as you did!" he yelled at the source of his aggravation, a young boy named Zelk.

"That'd be about, oh, five minutes," another boy said with a grin, nudging Zelk with his elbow, "He ran out screaming during the first thirty seconds."

"Oh, piss off," Zelk grumbled, shoving this dark-haired newcomer backwards. The boy caught himself, after tripping on his own feet, but his expression was no longer as lighthearted.

"This is between me and him. Besides, I didn't like being in the old rubble- it might have fallen on me. He's afraid 'cause his mommy told him a ghost story to keep him out of there," Zelk said to the crowd.

"I am NOT!" Belzrin protested. He knew they were only trying to anger him, but he couldn't help being mad. His eyes were practically tearing. If he hadn't known that two of Zelk's clique had very powerful water types, he would have called out his only Pokemon, Quilava, to battle him... Or perhaps simply scorch him. The latter was starting to sound more and more desireable, as Zelk continued to taunt him, accusing him of being a sissy.

Quilava would likely be up for it, he mused morbidly. The Pokemon hated Zelk even more than Belzrin did. Ziszer hated bullies with a passion.

"I'll stay in there sixty times as long as this coward did, then," Belzrin announced, hoping to salvage what was left of his pride, and shut Zelk up in the process. "I'll stay a whole hour!"

Whooping rent the air as the other boys, knowing they had succeeded, cheered. A map and supplies- A flashlight, food, and some water, along with pokeballs and a potion- were shoved into his hand, and he added them to his backpack. Half stumbling, half walking, with the boys pushing him from behind as though they were herding cattle, Belzrin made it to the entrance of the creepy, deserted, rundown building, with the group of boys boxing him in in case he changed his mind.

"Have fun," Zelk said with a sneer. As Belzrin carefully stepped inside, try to avoid the small holes in the ground, Zelk shoved him. One of his legs landed in a hole, and he fell, scraping his hands as he did so. As soon as he had gotten free of this, too- luckily, with his leg unbroken, albeit aching- he was knocked over again, this time with a more blunt blow to the head. Though it wasn't hard enough to bruise, it startled him, and he lost his balance, falling into a larger hole in the floor.

Falling a story and a half would be, at the best of times, likely to cause broken bones. Luckily for Belzrin, however, his landing was soft. In fact, he landed on what looked like a musty old mattress, covered in layers of blankets and pillows. Dust billowed around him, as did feathers, for something had burst. However, he was intact, which was what was important.

Standing, he shakily walked out of that room, into what he thought was a hall. His flashlight was drawn out quickly, but he realized that it was only a prank. It didn't turn on, and when he opened it up by feel in the dark, he realized that not only were there no batteries, but the inside was stuffed with something squishy and gross. Hopefully it was jello or something else harmless, but he wiped his hands on the wall, anyway, and left the flashlight behind, just in case.

Calling out Quilava for light, he felt his spirits rise a bit. The idiots had forgotten that he had a fire type, who could light the way for him. His Pokemon, however, seemed uneasy. As they walked silently down the hall together, ignoring the obviously falsified map, the two were beginning to realize that they were lost. In addition, a feeling of being watched hung in the air, making both uneasy.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 04:46 PM.
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  #2  
Old 03-26-2007, 01:56 AM
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Default Re: Ghosts and Ghouls

As they walked cautiously down the next hallway, after making a sharp right turn and avoiding what looked like a pile of fallen ceiling tiles, the source of the eerie feeling, or one of them, was finally revealed. A decoration actually peeled itself off the wall, startling Belzrin. It was not, however, the sort of ghost he was worried about. In fact, it wasn't even a ghost at all, though at first sight, in the near-dark, he had mistaken it for Gastly. Rather, it was a sort of Pokemon he had never seen before. It was, however, definitely a Pokemon, it just had the right look about it for one.

The Pokemon didn't attack, but by pacing around them in circles- or, rather, rolling- it was making Belzrin uneasy. His Quilava looked confused, too. Deciding to do something about this, Belzrin nudged at the Pokemon with his foot, "Oi, you, cut it out."

Rather than listening, the Pokemon gave off a hissing sound. Deciding now wasn't the best time to ask it for directions out of the mucky place, Belzrin ordered "Quick Attack!"

He really only wanted to size the Pokemon up, and warn it off. However, when Quilava attacked, the Pokemon began to glow. Startled, Belzrin called Quilava back, the Pokemon narrowly avoiding a beam of yellow light. The electric-like attack sped past, startling them both.

Realizing this was serious, Belzrin stuck out his chin, and gritted his teeth. Clenching his hands into fists, he shouted, "Tackle!"

This time, Quilava's attack worked. The fire type plowed the smaller Pokemon over, knocking it down. The Unown, however, wasn't really bothered. It swung its body back up like a gymnast might curl around the uneven bars, with a sort of unusual grace for such a bizarre creature. A second bolt actually hit Quilava, sending a few stray bolts of electricity through him.

Though he wasn't sure if all the dust in the place might ignite, Belzrin decided to take his chances with that and hope the dank, damp atmosphere would prevent that. This time, he noticed the echo his voice made, as he commanded Quilava to use Flamethrower.

'We must be near the place we came in! It's the one place I've seen here that makes things echo,' he thought, as he watched Quilava send a burst of searing flame at the Unown. The Pokemon fell back, as predicted. To his surprise, however, it got up again slowly, even though it was burnt.

"You're a strong little guy," Belzrin commented. He was almost reminded of someone standing up to a larger bully... Though the thought of his Quilava as a bully made him uncomfortable, he did like the Unown's strength.

Taking a Pokeball from his pocket- He didn't trust the ones that had been given to him by the other children- he tossed it at the Unown, deciding he had to catch the odd creature before he left. He felt quite happy now. Surely he was near the exit, and having caught a Pokemon and explored, even if it hadn't been for long, would prove he wasn't scared. And besides, who knew what the creature might evolve into? He didn't even know what it was called, but if it was so strong now, he could hardly wait for it to evolve.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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  #3  
Old 03-26-2007, 02:14 AM
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Default Re: Ghosts and Ghouls

Unfortunately, luck was not on Belzrin's side. When the Pokeball stopped shaking, he grabbed it up triumphantly, and dashed towards the echo chamber, with Quilava beside him. Within it, however, he found himself in front of an old, abandoned table, with a lid over it. Curious as to why that was there, but still upset about being lost, he stormed over towards it. Tearing it open, he accidentally broke the old, rusted hinges. The wooden lid clattered to the ground as he dropped it, rubbing the dust from his hands, then beckoned Quilava over. The Pokemon's flames provided just enough light to look inside.

Some sort of powder was shot at him as he did so. He might have thought it was dust, had the dim light not been enough for him to see that it was of a purple color.

"You're kidding me," He muttered unhappily, stifling a cough. Suddenly, he felt miserable. His head hurt, and he ached all over. It felt as though he was allergic to something, he noted. On top of that, he was without tissues, and his nose felt like niagra falls.

Whatever was within was poisonuous.

Hoping it would work at least a bit for a human, he fumbled in his bag until he found an antidote. It did make him feel better, but with only a few of them, he feared for what would happen if he continued to fight the creature. Nonetheless, he ordered Quilava to attack it, though carefully. The Pokemon followed his command to try Flamethrower, shooting a hesitant blast of fire at the creature. The dust, after all, might be able to catch the flames, and then there was the matter of the walls. They were stone, but they were old stone, and rocks could become weaker over time. Quilava feared heat might be enough to unsettle them, and perhaps bring the place crashing down.

Following up with a Swift attack seemed inevitable, for the Unown easily dodged the blast of fire, simply by running towards the wall where Quilava dared not aim the blast. However, the young boy's next command was cast aside. The original swift had been obeyed- for the stars had all struck Unown, not the wall- but as they'd done little damage, Quilava was not willing to repeat the attack. Instead, the qiuck-thinking Pokemon tossed the table's lid onto the Pokemon, squashing it. When it finally moved the lid aside, Belzrin was surprised to see that the Pokemon vaguely resembled the other one he had just caught. It was rounder, however, shaped more like a 'C' than an '8'.

Or a B, he mused. Perhaps the other one had been 'B' shaped.

'This place must belong to a scientist!' he realized with a jolt, 'he must have created these. Or maybe shaped them from the remains of other Pokemon.' Shuddering, he reconsidered capturing this creature, or even keeping the first. However, remembering the boys waiting for him outside, he found himself feeling determined again. Once more, he went through the familiar sequence of flinging a Pokeball at the creature, and crossing his fingers for good luck. As the Pokeball shook back and forth on the old, deteriorating tiles, he crossed his fingers for good luck... Not only in capturing this odd creature, but also in controlling it.
__________________

My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.

Last edited by FireflyK; 04-08-2007 at 04:42 PM.
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  #4  
Old 04-06-2007, 05:00 AM
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Default Re: Ghosts and Ghouls

Introduction & Plot: The plot was good, and the introduction was a good explaination of why he was in the haunted house.

Detail: The Pokemon and attacks are detailed well, but the characters could use more.

Grammar/Spelling & Dialogue: Very good grammar and spelling, and the dialogue is good. I noticed a few typos ("Thus place must belong to a scientist"), but that's hard to pick up.

Battle & Reality: Both battles were good. A Quilava would most definitely be able to defeat an Unown, though I'm not sure that it'd be able to lift a table lid to do so.

Length: This..well, to be honest, it hurt you. You have about 8.6k, but the total minimum suggested for Unown is 10k. You really need to extend it.

Overall: Unfortunately, I can't make both a capture. 1.4k away, even for Unown, isn't much, but it was pretty borderline. Just extend it a bit (I know you can XP), and I'll regrade.

1 Unown Captured.

Sorry.
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  #5  
Old 04-09-2007, 03:57 AM
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Default Re: Ghosts and Ghouls

Edited. 8.6K = 700 chars short per 'mon, but whatever. It's over the minimum now, I believe. Also added more description of the attacks while I was at it.
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My hands have yet to build a village, have yet to find water in the barren desert, have yet to plant a flower, and I have yet to find the path that leads me... I have not loved enough, but the wind and the sun are still on my face.



I have yet to sow green fields, yet to raise a city, yet to plant a grapevine on each chalky hill... There is so much to build and so much to be, and my love is just beginning.
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  #6  
Old 04-16-2007, 11:50 PM
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Default Re: Ghosts and Ghouls

Still sitting..... Was edited back on the 9th...
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  #7  
Old 04-21-2007, 07:44 PM
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Default Re: Ghosts and Ghouls

.....
....
....
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  #8  
Old 04-21-2007, 08:38 PM
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Default Re: Ghosts and Ghouls

Since Nikki hasn't returned to grade this for you, I'll do it. Really, there wasn't anything that needed attention other than the length, which I'm pretty lenient with. I spotted one mistake:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
As Belzrin carefully stepped inside, trying (try) to avoid the small holes in the ground, Zelk shoved him.
You had put try, when it should have been trying. Anyways, I ran this through MS Word and found it to be just over 10k. That's enough for one Unown, and since you've already caught the one I'm willing to allow this to pass. However, I'd like to see longer battles and more details in the future from you. That was really then only thing that I found unsatisfactory overall. Other than that, it's all good.

Outcome: Unown CAPTURED! Have fun with the squiggly thingies ^^.
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  #9  
Old 04-22-2007, 02:52 PM
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Default Re: Ghosts and Ghouls

Thank you very much. ^^; I was afraid this would never get regraded!
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