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Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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  #1  
Old 04-19-2007, 03:54 PM
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Default The Calm Fight.

Pokemon I'd like to have: Chimecho

"Let's see, map, compass, money..." Mishel got ready to her big day, because soon, she will get her first Pokemon.

"Rj, please help me to choose clothes for tomorrow." She said to a Houndoom that set on her bed.

When he heard her request, Houndoom got out of the girl's room. Mishel smiled and put on her chair black shirt, blue jeans, brown gloves and black shoes. Her grey eyes searched for something that her brother gave her when he came back from Hoen.

"Where did I put it?" She thought. "Found it!"

It was a red long coat with a picture that looked like Houndoom's paw on the back.

"Go to sleep!" The black haired girl heard a voice.

"Fine!" She shouted back.

***

The sun shined over the seaside town. Mishel was in her small room getting ready. The room had one bed, alot of wild Pokemon pictures, a closet and a computer.A Mightyena jumped on Mishel, that was almost ready to her big day.

"Good morning Gil." The girl said.

The Mightyena was belong to her older brother, Jin. Jin was a famous Pokemon trainer, what Mishel wants to be one day. Her brother got into his sister's room with his Houndoom, Rj and Fira, his Flareon.

"Are you ready to your big day?" He asked.

"Yes," She said while wearing her black shoes."Are you ready to count the days until I will come back?"

"Very funny Mishel." He said and threw Mishel's bag on her.

Mishel lived with her brother in a small town near the sea. Their parents lived in the north, near the mountains. Sometimes Mishel had to leave alone, because of Jin's journies, but always one of is Pokemon stayed with her. But today it's going to change, today Mishel is going to get her first Pokemon.

"I made you breakfast and Pokemon food for your journey," he said and gave Mishel her bag with all of the equipment for the journey.

Mishel ate her breakfast and got out of the small house. Jin looked at his sister going to get her first pokemon. His Mightyena looked at his master, like he tried to say:"don't worry, she wll be fine.". Jin petted his loyal friend and smiled.

"She is getting older everyday." He said and closed the door.

***

Mishel looked to the sky and heard a voice:

"Good morning Mishel!" It was Mishel's best friend, Lenny.

"Yes, how did you know?" Mishel asked.

"I saw your brother three days ago, and he told me." He smiled. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"If you want to, I won't stop you." She said.

Lenny walked after her and started to speak:

"I will get my first Pokemon tomorrow."

"Which one?" Mishel asked.

"I don't know. I think that I will have a Ponyta or Elekid or something else."

Mishel and Lenny got near the lab.

"I will wait for you over here." Lenny said and smiled.

Mishel knocked the door but nobody openned. The door was open, so Mishel got in. The lab was one of the biggest places in the town. There were alot of pokeballs that waited for trainers on white tables. She looked for her Pokemon. She found a white table, that was smaller then the others and one pokeball on it. There was a not that said:"For Mishel Setlight." Mishel took her pokeball and was redy to see which Pokemon she got, but she heard a scream. She looked out of the window and saw that Professor Angel was attacked by a wild Chimecho. She got out of the lab nd saw that Lenny wasn't there anymore. She threw her pokeball on the ground and a small Growlithe got out of it. The small Pokemon started to howl, like it called to his family or friends.

"Don't worry." Mishel said. "I won't hurt you."

The small Pokemon smelled her hand and bit her hand.

"You can attack me, but you belong to me." Mishel said and looked at her like she was his leader.

He started to lick her hand ans Mishel smiled.

"Great, now we have to save Professor Angel." Mishel said.

She pointed to the Chimecho and said:"Growlithe, use Bite."

The small Pokemon caught Chimecho's tail. Mishel ran to the Professor and asked:" Are you ok?"

"Yes, but I never saw that a Chimecho tried to attack a human. They are very peaceful Pokemon." The Professor said.

Chimecho threw Growlithe to the ocean's water.

"No!" Mishel said.

"Don't worry." The Professor said. "Go Goldeen!"

A small gold fish jumped to the ocean from the Professor's pokeball.

"Go and find Growlith." she said.

"A Goldeen?" Mishel asked.

"I had to go to the other side of the beach and give this Goldeen to a trainer that starts his journy today, like you. But this Chimecho tried to attack me."

The fish dove to the water and tried to search Mishel's Pokemon. He found him tring to swim up, to help his master. Goldeen caught him and started to swim up.

The Chimecho tried to attack the young trainer with Wrap. Suddenly something jumped from Goldeen's head. It was Growlith. He jumped on Chimecho's head and used Bite.

"Growlith!" Mishel said with a smile.

"Tell him to use Ember." The Professor said.

Mishel loked at the Professor and orderred:"Growlith, use Ember!"

Growlith openned it's mouth and something that looked like a rain of fire got out of there. The small Chimecho fell on the ground. But he stood up again and wrapped Growlith's mouth.

"I will help you!" Mishel heared a voice. She looked up and saw her brother.

"Jin? How did you know?" Mishel asked.

"Lenny told me that he saw the Professor in trouble and wanted me to help." Jim explained."Now let's fight, go Fira, Ember!"

His Flareon jumped to the air. She took a deep breath and blowed out a powerful Ember, that Chimecho had to leave Growlith and to jump into the water. Growlith took deep breath and used Flame Wheel to knock off Chimecho.

"What was it?" Mishel asked.

"It was Flame Wheel." Her brother said.

"I didn't know he can do it, he is so young but so powerful." The Professor said.

"Don't waste time, try to capture him!" Her brother said.

Mishel threw a pokeball on the wild Pokemon's head and waited to see if she caught him or not.

Last edited by sockyo; 04-20-2007 at 08:45 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-20-2007, 05:17 PM
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Default Re: The Calm Fight.

Heh, I got this one.

Introduction: There was no real introduction to the story or the characters. This, while not too important, is still not a part of the story you should overlook. A riveting opening is a good way to hook your readers and ensure they stay with the story. Without something to catch the eye, there's nothing to get anyone interested in the story enough to read it. This part, I'm sorry, I have to Fail.

Plot: A person gets attacked by a wild Pokemon. Not very original. However, at least it was a Chimecho and not something like a Mightyena or something similar. Still, try to be more creative in the future and come up with exciting and unique story ideas.

Length: This is the big killer of this story. Normally I'm not big on length, but this falls WAY below what you need to catch a Chimecho, which is in the Hard tier. This means you need around 30-40k characters. You only have 2,617, which means you still need at least 28-34k characters or so to have a shot at getting it. Sorry, but I can't Pass this part for you.

Details: Oh dear. This...well, there were no details hardly at all. I think the only one I saw was where you told the color of Mishel's shoes. Other than that, there was nothing. You should have descibed how your characters appeared, how the various Pokemon look, and how the attacks looked as well. For example, when Growlithe used its Ember attack:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
Growlithe opened its muzzle and took in a deep breath, then spewed forth dozens of brightly glowing Embers from within its chest. The burning cinders hit Chimecho and knocked it to the ground...
You really need details in your story so people can see exactly what's going on. Once more, I'm afraid I can't Pass this section.

Grammer/Spelling: Now this part wasn't too bad, but there were quite a few mistakes. Most of them were the same kind, though, were you put a period where you should have put a comma:

Quote:
Originally Posted by You
"Good morning, Gil." The girl said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by You
"Yes." She said while wearing her black shoes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by You
"I made you brakefast and Pokemon food for your journey." He said and gave Mishel her beg with all of the equipment for the journey.
Unless you're ending a sentence with dialogue, an exclaimation point, a question mark, or a trail-off (...), you put a comma at the end of a dialogue sentence and make the first letter of the next word lower case:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
"I made you brakefast and Pokemon food for your journey," he said and gave Mishel her beg with all of the equipment for the journey.
There were a few spelling mistakes as well:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
"I made you breakfast (brakefast) and Pokemon food for your journey." He said and gave Mishel her bag (beg)with all of the equipment for the journey.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Me
The fish dove (dived) to the water and tried to search Mishel's Pokemon.
My corrections are bolded, and what you had is in the paranthesis.

Battle: This is one of the most important factors of a story, and I'm sorry to say that it's much, MUCH too short to Pass. A battle should take up AT LEAST half the story. This was just a few sentences, which wouldn't have been passed for anything short of a Magikarp. You're really going to have to work on how long your story and battle are if you want to catch the Chimecho.

Outcome: Chimecho NOT Captured. I'm sorry, but the story is too short, there aren't enough details, and most of all the battle is simply not long enough. You have a lot of editing to do, but I'm sure you can do it. Try harder and put all the effort into it that you can ^^.
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  #3  
Old 04-20-2007, 06:53 PM
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Default Re: The Calm Fight.

Editted almost everything.
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  #4  
Old 04-20-2007, 06:59 PM
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Default Re: The Calm Fight.

I'm afraid it still isn't long enough, and there are still some of the grammer mistakes I pointed out earlier. There was a little more detail, but still not enough. Also, the plot is still "Pokemon attacks human." That's just not enough for a Pokemon of this complexity.

To make it longer, why not take more time describing how your char got to the Pokemon lab, and maybe have her spend some time getting to know her new Pokemon. Maybe the Growlithe could run off for some reason, and your char has to search for it? Perhaps when she finds it, she can hear the screaming and go check out what's going on? I like how you had her brother show up to battle, so you should work that in more to help the length out. So...

Chimecho NOT Captured.
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Last edited by Dog of Hellsing; 04-20-2007 at 07:02 PM.
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  #5  
Old 04-20-2007, 08:45 PM
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Default Re: The Calm Fight.

Editted
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  #6  
Old 04-20-2007, 11:54 PM
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Default Re: The Calm Fight.

You're doing better, but there are still prolems. Please listen to what I'm going to tell you next:

1) For starters, this story is simply too short for me to let you have Chimecho. As was already stated, it's located in the Hard tier, which means your story must be at least 30-40k characters long. That would be at least one full post and a half (each post can hold 20k). If you really want the Pokemon, you'll have to make your story at least that long.

2) The same grammer mistakes I keep telling you about are still present:

Quote:
Originally Posted by You
"Good morning Gil." The girl said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by You
"She is getting older everyday." He said and closed the door.
You're still putting a period where there should be a comma in these and other sentences, as well as capitalizing the first letter of the following words when they should be lower case. You say you've edited twice already, but yet these mistakes (and others like them) that were here from the beginning are still around. You really have to get on fixing these up.

Again, Chimecho NOT Captured.
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