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Creative Writing Share your fan fiction, stories, poems, essays, editorials, song lyrics, or any other related written work. All written must be your creation. Start a new thread, and keep replying to that thread as you add on more chapters. Anyone can join in at anytime.


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  #1  
Old 03-23-2007, 10:12 PM
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Default Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

Pride of Pallet Town(PG)
Mods, please close this thread. It's finished.

Okay, so we won't be hugging Care Bears through half the story. It's still kinda wimpy, compared to most of the other fics... Rated PG for mild crude humor (we're talking immature-type humor, not sexual and that crap. E.g., doody jokes.), brief mild language, and possibly mild violence.

Here's the new edit. Sorry for saying I wouldn't, then editing, I just can't seem to make up my mind.

Prolouge:After Sinnoh
After the Sinnoh Region, by which point Ash was close to 17, he settled back in Pallet Town. But, as we all know, Ash and Misty were a bit too close to be seperated. When he turned 20 years old, he traveled to Cerulean City, and,after a while of dating, proposed to Misty.After 4 years,they had a child.Because he looked so much like his father, he was named Ash Ketchum, Jr. Two years later, on the same night that Ash's mother died, Ash Jr.'s baby sister was born.In loving memory of her grandmother, she was named Delia.

Eight years later, Ash Jr. began his Pokèmon journey. Little did he realize that his would be more fantastic than even his father's journey. For his skills with Pokèmon were nothing short of magical.... Was it the way he could get Pokèmon to help him without the use of Pokèballs or Capture Stylers? Was it the way he never saw a hurt Pokèmon that he didn't bring home and nurse back to health? Who knows, but one thing was for sure, his Pokèmon skills were so great, he became known as the Pride of Pallet Town, a title held, not long ago, by his father. "He reminds me of...well, me, to be honest.", Ash would say as he watched his son play with Pokèmon.

However, these details are irrelevant.Our story begins on the eve of Ash Jr.'s tenth birthday. He lay awake in bed, waiting for his Pokèmon journey to begin...

************************************************** ************************************************** *********

Somewhere above the Ketchum household, three strange forms, like squid with only two tentacles, with legs in place of the third and fourth, hovered in shadow...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Still crappy, I guess, but it's all I got.

Last edited by Lone_Houndoom; 05-06-2007 at 08:24 PM. Reason: This thread is done for.
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  #2  
Old 03-26-2007, 06:37 PM
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Default Re: Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

Okay, I have a few problems with this fic.

First off, never put Author’s Notes in the middle of the story. That basically distracts the reader from enjoying the story and such. Instead, put Authors Notes at the end of each chapter.

Also, already I felt the character is a Gary Sue. He’s Ash’s son, Pokemon skills great, Pokemon instantly come to help him, three legendary Pokemon suddenly came…Although, maybe I am a bit too hasty into thinking that. I hope that in the next few chapters his character will be developed and we get to his likes and dislikes, his flaws, his struggles, etc.

Lastly, :

Quote:
Somewhere above the Ketchum household, three strange forms,like squid with only two tentacles, with legs in place of the third and fourth,hovered...
You can describe them better then that. For instance, you can describe how each of them are different colors.

Well, nothing else to say but I will keep a look out on a couple of chapters and see where this is going. I am doing this review for now so that you can improve a bit here. ^^
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Chapter Thirteen: It's All a Contest up (12/28/08)

Last edited by Bay; 03-26-2007 at 06:40 PM.
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  #3  
Old 03-26-2007, 08:37 PM
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Default Re: Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

Yeah, this storys alright.
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  #4  
Old 03-26-2007, 10:14 PM
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Default Re: Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

Everything just seemed to be rushed. You explained it so quickly when so much more could be said. And also: never put Authors Notes actually inside the fic. Put them in the end because it does not belong with your writing, and will just draw attention away from your real work.

I was gonna post up a quote about the length rule, but seeing as this is a prolouge I'll exempt it from that. Just keep it in mind.

Last edited by BrassIttoTower; 03-26-2007 at 10:16 PM.
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  #5  
Old 03-27-2007, 02:16 AM
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Default Re: Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

Well, I guess I should have seen THIS coming.While I know it kinda stinks, it IS only the prolouge, and I AM only 12, so I'm not sure I'll edit it.Sorry guys, but I'm just not able to top all that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bay
I hope that in the next few chapters his character will be developed and we get to his likes and dislikes, his flaws, his struggles, etc.
Oh, don't worry, we will.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bay
You can describe them better then that. For instance, you can describe how each of them are different colors.
That description was meant to give the impression that that was the best you could make them out.
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Last edited by Lone_Houndoom; 03-29-2007 at 11:57 PM. Reason: Additional points to be made.
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  #6  
Old 03-30-2007, 11:33 PM
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Default Re: Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

Well, here's Chapter One, enjoy, critisize, review, etc.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Chapter 1:Like Father,Like Son


Ash Ketchum Jr. lay awake, staring at the glowing red lights forming the numbers 11:58 on his clock, which resembled an Electrode, mouth open wide. Ash was too anxious to so much as close one eye for even the slightest moment, as he knew that in the next two minutes, he would become ten years old, meaning that he would come of age to train Pokèmon.The 8 vanished, and in its place appeared a 9. Ash sat up, and began to count down to his tenth birthday. "Fifty...Forty-nine...Forty-eight...", he whispered to himself. His heart was beating against his ribcage so hard he was surprised he wasn't in pain.

A Noctowl called somewhere in the night. If Ash weren't so absorbed in the last seconds before he became ten, this might have reminded him he needed to rest. But his mind was preoccupied, and he didn't notice the warning.

"Ten...nine...eight...seven...six...five...four... three...two...one..." The clock changed once more, this time from 11:59 to 12:00."YES!", he shouted. His celebration was short-lived, however, for his parents were awakened by the racket. Ash Jr. heard a mattress groan, floorboards creak, and then his door flew open to reveal his parents standing there, bleary-eyed and clearly annoyed.

"You should be asleep, Jr.", Misty said dangerously, "You have a big day starting in the morning."

"Your mother's right." Ash told his son. "I stayed up late on my tenth birthday, and I woke up too late to get any of the starter Pokèmon!"

"Yeah, but that got you your Raichu!", Ash,Jr. replied.

"Hmm...Well, Misty, he's got me beat.", Ash Sr. said with a resigned shrug.

"Well, I guess some things never change...", Misty sighed. "Well, just because your father's beat, that doesn't mean that I am." Misty sat down on her son's bed, and gave him a stearn look. "Even if you do want a Pikachu, you still need to rest."

"Why?" Ash Jr. retorted.

"Because it's healthy, and because I said so."

Ash Jr. sighed. He knew from both experience and his father's horror stories not to make his mother mad. "All right, mom, I'll go to bed.Good night."

"Good night, Jr."Misty smiled.

" 'Night, Jr."Ash said.

With that, Ash Jr.'s parents left the room. Suddenly, the young boy felt incredibly tired. How'd I manage to stay up this late?, he wondered. He fell backward, asleep before his head hit the pillow.

************************************************** ************************
The squid-like forms, still covered in shadows, watched this scene from just outside the boy's bedroom window. They had had to do this every night since the boy was born. He was too important to Arceus, to the whole Pokèmon world, to be left unprotected. When Ash Sr. and Misty exited, one of the forms conjured a luminous blue ring, and sent it hovering towards the boy, until it eventually hit. Ash Jr. fell down on his bed instantly, already asleep. As they watched this, they began to speak.

"....The boy has come of age...it won't be long now."

"Yes.His destiny awaits him."

"Indeed. Savior of all Pokèmon, we await your coming... no longer..."
************************************************** ************************
The next morning...

The early morning sun glinted off the lightning-bolts of orange that ran through Ash Jr.'s hair, which was, except for those markings inherited from his mother, totaly raven-black. As the sun hit his piercing blue eyes, he slowly stretched and yawned widely. He wearily rubbed his eyes, and checked the Electrode clock on his bedside table. The time read 6:53.Ash,Jr. instantly jumped out of bed and began hurrying to get dressed. Professor Oak had said that he needed to be there by 7:30! He scrambled out of bed an franticly pulled on a pair of old blue jeans.

"Jr.,get down here this instant!", Misty hollered up the steps leading to the boy's room. Ash Jr. made a mad dash for the door even as he pulled on his Hiidoran-red tee shirt (his favorite out of his whole wardrobe), and so could never have seen that the door was still shut tightly.

"Son of a Bagon!", he yelled as he hit the floor with a thud.He then got up shakily, still grumbling under his breath, and opened the door. He took the steps two at a time, and as he went down, the delicious fragrance of the breakfast his mother was preparing wafted into his nose. Ash Sr. was already at the table, reading the paper.

"Stocks are down, PokèGear prices are up, what's becoming of this region?" , he grumbled at the article he was reading.

"Criminal Teams are what's becoming of this region, Ash."Misty sighed."Team Rocket is here, of course, and then there are the imported squads of Aqua and Magma grunts. I've even heard rumors about Team Galactic sightings..."

"Well, I'll just have to battle them down, won't I?", Ash Jr. smiled.

"Thataboy, son!" Ash Sr. chuckled, leaning back in his chair.

"Speaking of battling, shouldn't you be eating so you're not going out on an empty stomach?" Misty said, stearnly looking at her son.

"Oh, yeah, right...", Jr. said. After wolfing down some bacon and a few eggs, Ash,Jr. sprinted out the door, grabbing his dark gray hoodie on the way, and hollered back, "Bye mom!Bye dad!"

"Goodbye son!", Ash called back. "And before you go-" Ash Jr. stopped in his tracks," I want you to have something." Ash Sr. went over to an old display case, where a faded old cap, red with a white shape in front and a green check on it, sat. He opened the case slowly, reverantly, as though charishing the memories the cap held. When Ash Jr. came in, Sr. handed him the cap affectionately. Ash Jr. was awestruck. His father had always told him that he'd never give up this hat...

"Wow. Thanks dad." Father and son shared a brief moment of something sacred, something only father and child can possibly understand, and then, Ash Jr. smiled, gave his father a hug, and headed out the door.

"Hold on!" Misty hollered. Ash Jr. stopped in his tracks.

"Yes, mom?" He yelled.

"Come now, son, surely you're not too old to give your mother a goodbye hug?"

Ash Jr. sighed. He thought for a moment about running on. What's the point?She'll come after me if I don't come., he decided.He then sprinted back to his mother and gave her a hug. " 'Bye, mom."

"Goodbye, Ash." , Misty said gently.Ash Jr. released his mother, gave his parents one last wave, and sprinted up the dirt road again.Misty and Ash Sr. watched him until he was just a speck on the horizon, and then, finally, disappeared.

"There goes our boy, Ash...," Misty sighed.

"Relax, dear, he'll be fine, weren't we when we were trainers?"

"Yes, but-" Misty began, but was stopped short by the slamming of a screen door. "Was that our back door?"And with that, she jogged off into the kitchen.

When she reached the kitchen door, she stopped short. An imensely tall figure, shrouded in shadow and a brown cape and hood, stood, staring in her direction. "Wh-who are you?" Misty demanded.

<....You know of me, human...> , came a strange voice, one that came not from the figure's mouth, but from its very mind. The figure tossed back its hood, revealing a pointed face and pale gray eyes, forever locked in a glare of contempt at humanity's carelessness and cruelty towards its Pokèmon charges.

Misty gasped in surprise and shock. "Mewtwo?But...what are you doing here?"

<...By order of the Pokèmon god, Arceus, you have outlived your usefullness in the fate of the Pokèmon realm.>, Mewtwo said.As he said this, the immensely powerful psychic clone reached into its cape, and withdrew a strange sphere, with a square central button, a bright blue upper hemisphere, and a pitch black lower hemisphere. <How ironic,> Mewtwo continued, <that the very first Human-ball should be used on the person whose husband attempted to capture me in a Pokèball.> And with that, he flung the ball at the horrified Misty. She began too scream, but she was cut off as the sphere hit her.A strange blue light emmited from the ball...

"Hey, Misty?" Ash called, curious as to were his wife was. "What was that noise?" He walked into the kitchen and saw Mewtwo standing there, sphere in hand ."Oh, hey, Mewtwo, why are you here? And have you seen Misty?"

Mewtwo stood there, glaring in Ash's direction.He seemed to be staring slightly to Ash's right, as though he thought he stood there. Ash became uneasy. Why was his friend acting so strangely?Then Ash noticed that his eyes seemed paler than usual. Had he gone blind?As if reading his thoughts...no, not as if, he really was reading his thoughts, Mewtwo murmured,<How kind of you to notice, my friend.But I really don't need help.My psychic abilities more than make up for it.>

Ash was aghast. "Mewtwo...how did this happen?"

Mewtwo's eyes seemed to mist over even more as he gathered himself to tell Ash of his plight. <It was Arceus's punishment for my sin.And now, old allie,>, he added, and his face hardened once more,< it is time you came to Arceus.Your job on this Earth is done.>He threw the sphere at his confused allie...<Good.Two down, one to go.And yet, I wonder how many more will appear on my list by that time?>, the clone sighed. He picked up the ball and attached it to his belt. <Well, old allie,> Mewtwo thought at the sphere, < you've finally met your match.Well...I can't be kept waiting. Your old nemesis, Gary Oak, is next.>

************************************************** ************************
Hmm... Arceus sent Mewtwo to capture Misty and Ash....What could this mean?And, of course, the mysterious voices in the night? Well... you'll find out.
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Last edited by Lone_Houndoom; 04-04-2007 at 09:50 PM. Reason: Descriptions to write
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  #7  
Old 04-06-2007, 10:05 PM
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Default Re: Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

A warning to all authors here: Don't be a noob, back up your work on a CD or floppy disc, but have it on your hard drive too, or you're s*** outta luck if the disc gets damaged. I just learned that one the hard way, and now I've gotta rewrite chapter 2. Expect it to be up in about two weeks, maybe, by some twist of fate, sooner. Don't count on that part, though.
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After a long thought process, I have come to this conclusion: F*** the world, I wanna get off.

Last edited by Lone_Houndoom; 04-14-2007 at 04:39 AM. Reason: Wrong Chapter #
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  #8  
Old 04-07-2007, 12:23 PM
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Default Re: Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lone_Houndoom View Post
A warning to all authors here: Don't be a noob, back up your work on a CD or floppy disc, but have it on your hard drive too, or you're s*** outta luck if the disc gets damaged. I just learned that one the hard way, and now I've gotta rewrite chapter 3. Expect it to be up in about two weeks, maybe, by some twist of fate, sooner. Don't count on that part, though.
That's why I have a handwriten copy of my work... It can't be deleted. And what about Chapter 2?
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Old 04-20-2007, 09:44 PM
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Default Re: Pride of Pallet Town(Too PG...)

All right, I'm through. I'm sorry guys, but there's a plot hole the size of Russia in this story. I can't continue with it. But, on the bright side, I'm making a new fanfic, Pokčmon VS Yu-Gi-Oh, that WON'T end up like this one. Plus, it totally destroys the rep of Yu-GAY-Oh. Sorry if you're a fan of it, but I personnally think it's a cheap Pokčmon ripoff.
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