Member List
Log Out
Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000  

Go Back   Pokemon Forum - Pokemon Elite 2000 » Pokemon RPG's » Pokemon Ultra RPG » Stories

Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.

Thread Tools
Old 03-18-2007, 09:54 PM
EonMythos Offline
Elite Trainer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Stalking YOU. *cackle*
Posts: 847
Send a message via AIM to EonMythos
Default Souls of Fire

And so, Kitty-chan's adventure starts! ^o^


Kitty blinked, staring up at the bright sun with one hand shielding her hazel eyes.

“Hey, Momma, what time is it?” she asked, turning to her auburn haired mother. Said woman looked down at her watch, placing the plant she had been holding down in the process.

“Just after eight o’clock Kitty,” she replied with a smile, picking up the plant again and moving over to the window box. Kitty let out a slight yelp of surprise, pushing herself up off the ground and pulling her elbow length mahogany hair back into a ponytail.

“I gotta go Momma,” she chirped, dusting the dirt off her jeans as she walked down the sidewalk a little ways,” I’ll come back after I get my starter Pokemon, m’kay?” Her mother nodded, watching as the fourteen year-old girl rushed off to the train.

“Be careful Kitty!”

“I will! I’ll see you tomorrow!” Kitty called back, waving and smiling brightly. She turned back around just in time to avoid another person, apologizing quickly before continuing on her way. Goldenrod was a large city, but having lived there her entire life it was easy to find the train station. Weaving in and out of the people she boarded the train that would take her to Saffron, taking a seat next to the door.

Today was the day she would receive her first Pokemon, the reason she had gone to Goldenrod’s prestigious PokeSchool for the past four years. She had passed at the top of the class, and had been given her choice of what type of Pokemon she wanted. It had taken her some time, but she had finally picked a fire type. They always had the most personality in her eyes, a sort of fiery passion that seemed un-tamable, un-reachable to anyone but themselves. Plus, her Father had owned a Charizard, and growing up with such a proud Pokemon she had become very attached to fire types.

That Charizard had been the one to inspire her to become a trainer. She wanted to be able to raise a strong, beautiful Pokemon who she could call her friend. One she could make her Father proud of, and who she could compete in battles with for a long time.

The train slowed to a stop, and Kitty jerked to the side slightly, having spaced out. With a happy smile she got off the train, running over to where the PokeCenter was. She and her Mother had been her many times, so the equally large city was not that hard to navigate.

The glass doors slid open, letting out a gust of cool air, and Kitty stepped in, surprised to find so many people there.

“Oh, you must be Kitty,” a soft voice said, making Kitty snap her head to the owner. A very familiar pink haired nurse stood near by, and Kitty smiled at her.

“Hello Nurse Joy, I’m supposed to pick up my Pokemon here, right?”

“Yes, right this way and I’ll get the selection for you. Prof. Oak has been swamped all day by questions, so many new trainers this year.” Nurse Joy sighed as she said that, looking over to where the old professor sat, surrounded by eager new trainers.

“I’m sure he’s tired, judging by all the people that are here,” Kitty stated, looking around the room again as she followed the nurse. There had to be at least two hundred people crowded in the seemingly small lobby, all talking animatedly or bragging about their starter.

Nurse Joy nodded in agreement, opening a door beside the front desk and turning on the light. The room was wall-to-wall shelves, each with little holes in them to hold Pokeballs, but in the back was a table with four Pokeballs sitting on it. Nurse Joy picked them up, releasing the four Pokemon inside for Kitty to see.

The first was a Charmander with bright blue eyes. She was actually a bit bigger than most normal Charmander, and the flame on her tail burned brightly. But the fact that Charmander was the normal starter for the Kanto region made the appeal of the fire lizard less glamorous.

The second was a Growlithe, and while the little puppy Pokemon was adorable, he had a bit of a temper, and tried to attack the Charmander. Kitty didn’t know if she could handle a Pokemon like him yet.

The third was a Magby, but she was ruled out a swiftly as Growlithe when she joined in on the fight. It was the last one, however, who caught and held Kitty’s attention.

A small Vulpix sat off to the side, looking on with disapproving coal eyes as the three Pokemon scuffled. His scarlet and muddy brown fur was well kept, his six tails curled almost perfectly, and he sat with an air of superiority, as if he knew the other tree were below his league. But at the same time he was amused at their antics, and Kitty found herself picking him up gently to stroke his head.

“I like this one,” she told nurse joy, smiling down as the little fox licked her hand.

“He’s a good choice,” Nurse Joy told her, returning the other three to their Pokeballs,” He’s just about a year and a half old, and though he’s never had any training he’s beaten the other three fire types several times. Actually, Prof. Oak had several people asking for him, but he seemed to think you’d like him.” Kitty’s smile grew and she watched the little Pokemon curl up in her arms to sleep. He seemed content enough with her.

“Alright come with me and we’ll finish your registration.”


Kitty sat the little Vulpix down near the waist tall grass outside of the city, standing next to him and squinting through the fading sunlight. Pokemon were more active at dusk and dawn, so now was one of the best times to catch one.

“Are you ready Umbriel?” she asked the little fox, grinning down at him.

Umbriel let out a yip, his coal eyes staring at the tall grass ahead of him.

“Okay, lets see if you can flush anything out of the grass with Agility.”

Umbriel let out another yip, darting into the grass. He ran back and forth through the amber colored flora, yipping wildly in order to scare out any Pokemon. After trying it at least ten times before this he was quite good at it, and this time their efforts were rewarded.

A sleek purple snake emerged from the grass, glaring at the little fox that skidded to a stop in front of Kitty.

“Alright Umbriel, lets see if we can catch it!” Kitty exclaimed, the exhilaration running through her making her somewhat giddy,” Start it off with Tackle!”

Umbriel obeyed without hesitation, shooting at the Ekans and aiming for its chest area. Unfortunately the Ekans was faster, and it dodged easily to the side. Umbriel went skidding into the grass again, toppling over onto his side and glaring at his opponent.

“Okay, so it’s a lot faster than Umbriel, what now?” Kitty asked herself, looking on with a critical eye. She hadn’t gone to PokeSchool for nothing.

Umbriel shot at Ekans again, but just as last time the swifter snake dodged to the side just before he hit. That was when Kitty got the idea. Just before Umbriel would have missed for a third time she shouted out an order.

“Bite the tail!”

A clear, shining, understanding filled Umbriel’s eyes, and right as the Ekans moved to dodge he bit down on the end of its tail. The larger snake Pokemon hissed in anger, turning around to bite down on Umbriel’s neck, but Umbriel was wise enough to let go before hand. Having been angered the snake moved to offensive, lunging at Umbriel with its mouth open wide and white fangs gleaming in the evening sun.

“Umbriel, Double Team!” Kitty called out, moving back a few paces so she wouldn't get caught up in the battle.

Umbriel in turn picked up speed, running circles around the snake and confusing it in the process. Ekans tried to attack, but each time it either missed or hit itself instead.

“Now, Leer and then Flamethrower!”

Umbriel stopped moving, glaring darkly at the confused snake and making it freeze in place. He took in a deep breath, puffing up his chest and ruffling his short fur, before exhaling a stream of red flames. The torrent hit the Ekans head on, burning it and sending it to the ground in a heap.

Kitty reached into the pocket of her jeans, pulling out a minimized Pokeball. She enlarged it, and tossed it at the disoriented Pokemon, watching as the beam of red light pulled the Pokemon inside the ball. It landed on the ground, wobbling back and forth pretty violently for such and injured creature, and Kitty held her breathe. Would she catch it?

Ryn the Flygon: Complete at 872

Banner is mine! >:3
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2007, 05:30 PM
Seawolf's Avatar
Seawolf Offline
I has a stik
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Illium
Posts: 10,894
Send a message via AIM to Seawolf
Default Re: Souls of Fire

Story: Girl gets Pokemon, girl goes out and finds another Pokemon - which is probably the plot for all first stories, so nothing too fancy here. Some good points here would be some of the details (the Charizard, the battle), and the main character, Kitty. While this plot has been done over and over again, I can safely say this was a fun read. It wasn't a bad first story, either, so give yourself a pat on the back.

Spelling/Grammar: No real errors here, although you missed commas in a few bits of dialogue.

“Are you ready Umbriel?”
There should be one after 'ready'. Look out for these the next time you write dialogue, because you made this mistake more than once. It's nothing too major, but every little bit helps when it comes to being grammatically correct. It makes things look easier on the eyes, too.

Length: Looks perfect for everyone's favorite purple snake. You might have skimped on the count a little, but it's fine for a first story and I'm not going to mark you down for that.

Detail/Description: Good, but there's more you could have done here. I don't think Kitty is ever really described (except that she has brown eyes), and the same with her mother. You say she has auburn hair, but what about her eyes, skin, distinguising characteristics... ? For all I know, they could have green skin and purple jeans. Pokemon are probably not as important in this category, but they could be described in length as well. The Charizard that your character was inspired by would sound much mightier were he described (maybe he looks battle hardened, etc.) and there are different pronouns you could use for Ekans besides "purple snake" and "Ekans" - variety is key here. You don't want to make your readers fall asleep by using the same name over and over.

I think what you have is sufficient for the snake, but this is one of the most important sections of any story. Next time around, you might want to consider describing everything to a greater length.

Battle: Not bad at all, and you used a nice amount of attacks and description. It was well written, and it was also fair - although things would have been more interesting if Vulpix got poisoned, or something. It IS a poison Pokemon, after all. Think about abilities and other attacks/effects in the future.

Outcome: Ekans Captured! - More original plots and more details are things to consider on your next story.

EDIT: It's no problem at all. You're not a bad writer at all, but I just thought I would provide some suggestions. :)

Last edited by Seawolf; 03-20-2007 at 12:36 AM.
Reply With Quote
Old 03-19-2007, 07:51 PM
EonMythos Offline
Elite Trainer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Stalking YOU. *cackle*
Posts: 847
Send a message via AIM to EonMythos
Default Re: Souls of Fire

You pointed out quite a few things I thought I had fixed. Thank you. I'll put more description in the next chapter, flesh out the characters a little bit more.

The Ekans didn't use any poison attack though because I picture it as being too angered to actually use any sort of strategy. Probably should have dove a bit more into detail about that, and used a few more choice words for it, rather than just 'Ekans' and 'snake'.

Thank you for the helpful critisism.

Ryn the Flygon: Complete at 872

Banner is mine! >:3
Reply With Quote
Old 04-17-2007, 03:53 PM
EonMythos Offline
Elite Trainer
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Stalking YOU. *cackle*
Posts: 847
Send a message via AIM to EonMythos
Default Re: Souls of Fire

Kitty exhaled sharply, smiling down at the still Pokeball. She had done it, she caught her first Pokemon. Practically bouncing over to it she picked the little red and white contraption up, letting out the poison typed serpent.

Kneeling down to eye-level she smiled at it, pulling out her PokeDex to identify its age and gender.

‘Beep. Ekans, two years old, female. Beep.’

“Alright, so what should I call you, hmm?” Kitty pondered, pushing a strand of her curly mahogany hair out of her pale ivory face. Ekans seemed to just shrug at her, bobbing her head and turning her dark red eyes on Umbriel, and Kitty watched her closely. The little fox and serpent stared each other down for a minute, before Umbriel walked forward cautiously and sniffed the air.

“How about Rori?” Kitty suddenly spoke up, making both Pokemon turn to her,” Yes, Rori sounds nice. You know, Rori was the name of my Father’s Charizard, before she passed away that is.” Both Pokemon looked at her with questioning eyes, making her smile. She looked up at the setting sun, pulling Umbriel into her lap and letting Rori curl up nearby.

“My Father was a really strong trainer, he had captured at least one of every Pokemon from the Kanto and Johto regions. Rori was his starter Pokemon, a tiny little off-colored Charmander when he got her. Turns out she was a shiny, and the sweetest creature in the whole world. She had a knack for finding Pokemon in trouble and helping them out.” Kitty trailed off, looking from the sliver of sun down to her dirt covered, ivory skinned hands.

“I first remember her from when I was three, she was a towering black Charizard, with the most gorgeous black and red wings I had ever seen. She had to be about six feet tall, which is taller than most of her kind, but when she flew she was as graceful as could be. She took me on rides through the National Park, just outside of Goldenrod.”

“When I got to be eight, me and my Dad would go out camping with her. She would always keep us from being attack by the wild Pokemon with her fire, and she’d let me sleep right next to her when it got really cold out. One night however we were attacked by a pack of Houndoom, and she had to fight them off on her own. There were about ten of the dark hounds, but no matter how strong she may have been she was old, and they outnumbered her too much. In the end Dad got a serious injury to his left arm, and Rori ended up with most of her wings torn up, an eye torn out, and a horrible gash on her stomach. She got sick a few days later, and ended up passing away after that.”

Umbriel let out a soft yip, nuzzling Kitty’s face in a comforting manner, and Rori rested her head on Kitty’s knees, staring at her with sympathy. Kitty let out a soft laugh, petting both of her Pokemon on their heads before standing up.

“Well, we should get back to the PokeCenter, Nurse Joy is probably worried,” she announced, brightening up a bit,” I’ll let her give you both a check up, so you’re fit to start our journey tomorrow.” Umbriel twitched slightly in annoyance, but allowed himself to be sucking back into the container, while Rori obediently entered her own with little disdain.

Turning, to leave the now dark field, Kitty froze, staring face to face with a very large, very mean looking Pokemon. But in the dim light she couldn’t make out what, exactly, it was. Only two glowing blue eyes, that bore into her own with such vehemence that she felt a shiver run down her spine.

In the next instance, however, the shadowed figure leapt away, bounding into the night with long, graceful strides.

Kitty stared after it with wide hazel eyes, her pupils dilated and her breath hitched in her throat.

“What, in the world, was that?” she whispered, eyes unfocused and a tremor running through her body. Her hands felt clammy, and she could feel every limb on her body shaking with her. The pure terror of what could have happened was washing over her like a tidal wave. What if the Pokemon had decided to attack her?

Kitty let out a soft whimper, falling to her knees and holding herself up with her hands. She was shaking so violently her arms visibly moved, her breathing coming out as harsh gasps. It wasn’t the first time she had a close encounter with a menacing Pokemon, but this was much larger than any Pokemon she had ever seen. Even Rori the Charizard was still several inches shorter than that thing.

“Kitty?” The sound of shuffling feet reached her ears, and then the sensation of someone’s arms around her, lifting her up and helping her back to town. “Kitty, what happened?”

“A Pokemon. It crept up on me, and scared me,” Kitty murmured, slowly pulling herself back together,” I couldn’t see what it was, but it was larger than me. Probably about six and a half feet tall. It looked vicious though, I don’t know why it didn’t attack.”

“Shh, you need to sit down first,” Nurse Joy’s soft voice soothed, helping Kitty into a chair,” Chansey go get her a drink.” The pink nurse Pokemon let out a chirped reply, bounding off to get a drink from the back. Nurse Joy kneeled in front of Kitty, examining the younger girl’s stressed face.

Kitty rummaged through her pockets, pulling out her two Pokeballs and pushing them into the pink haired woman’s hands.

“Umbriel and Rori will need a checkup before we can leave tomorrow,” she said in a slightly breathless voice, her eyes dropping drastically. Nurse Joy nodded, standing up and pulling Kitty with her to the bedrooms on the second level. Kitty was asleep before they even reached there, the excitement of the day taking its toll on her.


Bright rays of golden sunlight shone through the barely drawn curtains of Kitty’s rented room, making said teen groan and roll over in her bed. She didn’t get back to sleep however as the blankets were pulled off her, letting the cool air hit her body.

“Umbriel!” Kitty yelped, sitting up straight and staring at him with wide eyes,” It’s cold here!” Umbriel dropped the edge of the blanket that was in his mouth, something akin to a grin on his features. He yipped several times, sounding very much like he was laughing at her, before leaping into the bed and giving her several licks to the face.

“Don’t try to kiss up to me,” Kitty said, laughing and glaring playfully at him. Umbriel stopped, cocking his head to the side in a playful manner and giving her a wide-eyed innocent look. Kitty grinned, pouncing forward and tickling the little red-brown fox’s sides. He squirmed in her grasp, squealing in amusement, but slipped out of her grasp soon enough.

“See, there’s your punishment!” Kitty giggled, watching as he tried to compose himself again and straighten his fur.

“Kitty, what is with all the noise?” Nurse Joy called, knocking on the door before entering. Kitty smiled over at her, getting up from the bed.

“Just playing with Umbriel,” was her off handed reply, as she moved to fix her hair,” So, has everyone else left yet? Knowing my ability to sleep in well past noon, everyone probably already started their journeys.

“Actually, it’s only half past nine,” Nurse Joy stated, watching in amusement as Kitty’s eyes went wide and she looked at her little Pokemon.

“No way, you actually got me to get up before noon?”

Umbriel cocked his head again, before yipping happily and prancing around her feet.

“Kitty, you should probably head back home now,” Nurse Joy interrupted, and the annoyed teen turned her head back to her,” You’re mother has called a few times since you arrived, she’s pretty anxious with you being gone.”

“What is she gonna do when I leave again?” Kitty sighed, shaking her head and sending her hair in waves around her. Her bright hazel eyes glimmered, lighting up her pale face, and she nodded to Nurse Joy to tell her she’d be there in a second.

Once the nurse was gone Kitty changed into a clean pair of clothes, washing the dirt of her arms as well.

Ten minutes later she bounced down the stairs with Umbriel close behind. She was clad in a pair of loose tan cargo pants, that hugged her hips a bit, and a tight blue tank top, showing off her pear shaped figure. Umbriel had been brushed as well, his fur straight and shining slightly in the florescent lights.

“Thank you very much Nurse Joy for checking them over last night,” she chirped, grinning broadly,” But I better get back before my mother worries herself to death about me.”

“Oh, Kitty, don’t forget about the challenge in two months!” Nurse Joy called out,” Everyone who started is going to get a chance to battle each other here at the Saffron Gym. So make sure you train hard!”

“I will! See you around!” Kitty replied joyfully, still grinning the whole time as she wave goodbye. Once outside she scooped Umbriel up, holding him so he wouldn’t get lost in the bustling city, and headed off towards the Train Station again. She seated herself in the same spot as last time, keeping her mind occupied by combing her fingers through Umbriel’s silky fur.

“Hey, Umbriel, what do you think we should get next?” she asked softly, tilting her head slightly as she mussed over the question,” Maybe a ground, water, or electric type.” Umbriel stiffened as she said both ground and water, and she giggled at him while petting his head.

“Okay, so no ground or water. Oh! I know, lets get a Pidgey. They’re pretty common, but are really good Pokemon to have. Plus, you can get someone for competition.” Umbriel perked his ears, almost nodding his head in approval.

The train pulled to a stop sooner than Kitty expected, but she hopped off it none the less. Racing towards the home she shared with her mother she felt completely giddy, and was practically bouncing in her shoes. She bounded into the small house at full speed, sliding into the wall slightly and laughing the whole time.

“Momma! I’m back with my Pokemon!” she called, letting Umbriel jump to the ground and pulling Rori’s Pokeball from her pocket. Her mother ran into the living room, her curly auburn hair falling out of its ponytail and her bright hazel brown eyes filled with relief. She wasn’t that old really, but there were lines of worry along her tanned face and her clothing was almost ironed straight from where she must have been messing with it. She was taller than Kitty by about three inches, but had a much smaller, model-like frame, even after giving birth.

“Momma, meet Umbriel, my starter,” Kitty announced, pointing to the red and brown fox before releasing her other one,” And this is Rori, Umbriel helped me catch her yesterday. Rori, Umbriel, this is Sophie, my mother.” Umbriel yipped in greeting, while Rori nodded her head in a sort of bow.

“Oh, Kitty, they’re lovely,” Sophie said, pulling her daughter into a hug,” Two Pokemon already though? You haven’t even started to travel around.”

“I know, but I’d like to have a few to start training before I go out,” Kitty explained,” Have you seen any Pidgey near by? I wanted to catch one more Pokemon before I left.”

“If you want a Pidgey why don’t you take the one that’s been destroying my garden?” Sophie suggested, leading Kitty out to the back garden,” He swoops down every day and pulls up my Rawst berries. He’s gotten five different plants just since last week.” She pointed up to where a little nest was on the edge of the roof, a pair of black eyes watching the people and Pokemon below. Kitty grinned happily, turning to Rori and Umbriel.

“So, who wants to try and best the bird first?” Surprisingly it was Rori who moved forward, her eyes focused on the bird.

“Alright then!” Kitty chirped, picking up a small pebble and chucking it at the edge of the roof. Instantly the Pidgey flew into the air with a shriek, cawing madly as he floated near his threatened home.

“Rori, start off with an Acid attack!” Kitty called, moving back a bit and pulling her mother with her so they wouldn’t get hurt. Rori lifted her round head up, hissing and spitting the burning green acid through the air. Pidgey dodged easily, diving dove to deliver a harsh peck to the violet serpent’s neck.

“Hold him in place with a Wrap!” Rori obeyed swiftly, bringing her tail up to smack to flyer from the air harshly. Using the momentum to her advantage she flung herself forward to surround the muddy brown form, holding tight enough he couldn’t escape but loose enough he wouldn’t suffocate. The Pidgey retaliated with more jabs into her scaly skin, earning a squirm as he pierced through two of the plates.

“Rori Poison Sting!” Kitty called out franticly, seeing a few drops of blood flow from the puncture wound. Rori hissed darkly, snapping down onto the wing of the avian with enough force to break it. As her fangs pierced the feathers and skin the raptorial bird shrieked and called, trying his best to escape before poison was injected, but it only resulted in Rori tightening her hold on him. When she pulled back he began pecking at her neck, in a furious attempt to free himself and most likely run away. Rori moaned, her coils loosening and her body limply falling to the ground.

“Rori!” Kitty yelped fearfully, watching as the Pidgey hopped away a few feet before turning his vicious eyes on the unconscious Pokemon,” Umbriel stop him with a Quick attack!”

Umbriel shot off even before she had finished the sentence, barreling the avian over with enough force to send them tumbling. Growling and glaring Umbriel pounced on him much like a cat, but the Pidgey was able to hit him upside the head with his good wing and move away. Unable to fly though he couldn’t do much of anything, and Umbriel mercilessly chased him around the fenced in yard.

“Try a Confuse Ray!” Kitty called again, her voice just a bit calmer now that the bird was on the run. Umbriel shot out at an angle, cutting the raptor off and glaring darkly at him. The sinister ray of light distorted the air around the two, becoming dark and malevolent. When it cleared the Pidgey was hopping around in a dazed manner, his eyes unfocused and his whole body quivering.

Umbriel tackled him again, not letting up in the least bit, but the creature still remained too stubborn to faint. It was beginning to make Kitty nervous, she didn’t want to kill the poor thing, just capture it, and the poison spreading through his body needed to be treated soon.

“Umbriel try an up close Ember attack,” she quipped shakily, eyes watching carefully to make sure nothing would go wrong. She had moved over to where Rori lay, and was checking over the injuries to see how serious they were. While not that bad they needed to be treated as soon as possible, and several of the thick scales would need to be reattached around the wound.

Umbriel puffed up his chest again, taking in several deep breaths to fuel the inner flames, before releasing a stream of the searing flames point blank.

“Umbriel! I said Ember!” Kitty screeched in shock, stumbling over as fast as possible and pulling the enraged kitsune away. Instantly Umbriel clamped his mouth shut, so as not to burn her as well, and just hung limply in her arms. His eyes though were filled with shock as well, like he had just come out of some sort of trance, and he lowered his head in what could only be described as shame. Kitty sat him down, petting his head in an attempt to console him, but her eyes were turned to the burnt and poisoned Pidgey.

Surprisingly he was still moving, trying to get up from the ground with one wing. Feathers were strewn all about the poor thing, and what was left on his body was burnt at the tips, but he seemed to take no notice at all. Feeling sorrow and pity for him Kitty pulled out one of her Pokeballs, gently tapping him on the head with it. Now, if only he would let her help him.


~Authors Note~
I don't know if its long enough, but I tried to be more discriptive this time. I let it lurk on my computer for a while so I could see if I liked it even after it set for a while, and I honestly really do. So, hope you enjoyed!

Ryn the Flygon: Complete at 872

Banner is mine! >:3
Reply With Quote
Old 04-20-2007, 07:38 PM
Galleon's Avatar
Galleon Offline
Chocolate Bear
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Shenanigansville
Posts: 1,306
Send a message via AIM to Galleon Send a message via Yahoo to Galleon
Default Re: Souls of Fire

Alright, now...

Story: A pretty standard plot, so far. Girl named Kitty, just barely starting out on a new journey, attempts to capture some new mons.

There wasn't a whole lot that set this story apart from most 'new trainer' fics, but I did like the description you gave of Kitty's father and his background with Rori, the Charizard. It adds considerable emotional depth to the plot, making Kitty more than just some random new trainer in the eyes of the reader, and I hope you plan to expand upon it in the future. And I'm sure there're some nice possibilities with Umbriel's 'trance'-like state...

As far as advice goes, I just wanna encourage you to get as creative as possible. Sure, this is the world of Pokemon we're talking about, but as the author, you can interpret this world in any number of ways. It all depends on what kinds of things interest you. What do you want to write about? If you're content with a relatively simple plot like this, then more power to ya, but just so you know, creative, thoughtful plotlines are tremendously helpful for going after tougher captures.

Grammar: For the most part, you were very grammatical. There were a few typos here and there, but that's no big deal. I do wanna point out a one thing, though.
Originally Posted by Kitty-chan View Post
Once outside, she scooped Umbriel up, holding him so he wouldn’t get lost in the bustling city, and headed off towards the Train Station again.
It was mainly just stuff like this. There should be comma after 'outside,' since the beginning of your sentence is set apart from the rest. This happened in a few different places, so yeah, just keep an eye out for it in the future.

If you want the technical reason, it's because you started the sentence with "Once outside," which is a prepositional phrase. Gotta have a comma whenever a prep phrase begins a new sentence.

Detail: As far as Pidgey-level stories go, this most definitely qualifies. But heck, I can't just grade something without giving some tips in this section. It goes against my nature.

Right now, I think the most important thing to take away from this grade is to just be a little more descriptive of your scene transitions. Meaning, be careful of when your characters are moving from one place to the next. For instance, Kitty starts out in a grassy area, just having caught Ekans, but after a short break where she talks about her father and meets a strange Pokemon, she's suddenly in the hands of Nurse Joy. Did the nurse have a purpose for being around the area? Did Kitty just kind of wander back to the PokeCenter in an awestruck daze? Or was it something else entirely? These places are important to elaborate upon because they tie the events of your story together. Without strong scene transitions, everything just seems kind of thrown together and unrealistic.

And just for clarity's sake, this happened again when Kitty was at home talking to her mother. As far as I could tell, she was inside the house, and then was suddenly outside battling with Pidgey.

These kinds of things are difficult to handle well, though, so I hope you don't bad. Sometimes, knowing what you wanna have happen is easy in comparison to tying all the events together.

Battle: More than enough for a Pidgey, I think. It was pretty heated, which is definitely a good thing.

Length: Way more than you needed.

The Big List of URPG Pokemon can tell you how long your stories need to be. And in case you don't know, you can check the amount of characters in your story by shoving your story into a Word document and clicking on Tools->Word Count. Or you can just put your story in a word counting program, which can be found from a quick Google search.

Realism: Mm, yeah this was fine.

Outcome: Definitely, Pidgey Captured! I can see a lot of potential in your writing, so I hope you aim for something a little more difficult next time.

Also, if anything I said seemed confusing or unclear, feel free to ask me via PM or IM. Congratulations and good luck with your future stories.
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

All times are GMT. The time now is 08:25 PM.

Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.
Style Design: