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Stories Write a story to catch Pokemon. A Grader will then decide if it catches or not.


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Old 04-19-2007, 03:19 PM
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Default Forest Dwelling

Pokemon I'd like to have: Poochyena


This adventure takes place in a village build on a mountain top. Oshe had just awoke and she was quite excited to get down to the Pokemon Lab to recieve her first Pokemon.

"Mom, could you make me some pancakes?" asked Oshe. "Yes, but hurry up and get ready." she said. Oshe ate her pancakes as fast as she could, and headed for the door.

"I'll see you later!" yelled Oshe. "Bye honey, have a good time!" she said worried.

Oshe hopped on her bike and sped off towards the Pokemon Lab. She could not wait to get her own Pokemon.

"Hello." said Professor Pine. "Are you ready to recieve your first Pokemon?"

"I am!" replied Oshe. "You have 3 to choose from, pick one." said Professor Pine.

Oshe liked them all, but she could only pick one. "Ill take this one." she said reluctantly.

"Ooh, the Azurill good choice!" he said happily. He smiled at Oshe and waved goodbye.

'Have a good adventure and be careful." he said. Oshe nodded her head and went on.

"Oh, I almost forgot I'll need some money and a Pokedex." he said.

"Thanks, and don't worry about me professor." she sighed.

Oshe had been riding for a while and decided to walk. She folded her bike up and put it in her backpack.

"I guess I should name my pokemon." she said, while looking at the Pokeball.

"Come on out!" she commanded. The little blue mouse creature appeared with a flash, it looked up at her and blinked it's eyes.

"I shall call you Kawaii, because it means cute and that's what you are." she replied.

The little pokemon just stared and began to yawn.

A wild Poochyena ran from a near by bush and attacked Kawaii. It bite her and was coming back for more.

"Kawaii, use Bubble!" Oshe yelled. Kawaii puffed up her cheeks and blew out bubbles, which hit the Poochyena but it shook them off.

The Poochyena snarled, showed it's teeth and charged for Kawaii with Bite. Kawaii let out a loud yell of pain.

Oshe told her Pokemon not to give in and to fight to the finish.

"Kawaii, try using Bubble again". she said. Kawaii nodded and released so many bubbles that she almost blew herself away.

The Poochyena fell over and fainted. Oshe took out a Pokeball and threw it at the Poochyena.

"Come on, please." she said. The Pokeball shook from side to side.... Would she capture the Poochyena?
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Last edited by Seda; 04-19-2007 at 05:06 PM.
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  #2  
Old 04-20-2007, 06:20 AM
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Default Re: Forest Dwelling

Introduction:
A young girl name Oshe wakes up and is getting a her first Pokemon.
Not a bad introduction but you didn't tell us much about Oshe, what she looked like, what she was wearing or what her house looked like. This part is a bit too short to my likings.

Plot:
A young girl named Oshe wakes up to recieve her starter Pokemon today at the Pokemon Lab nearest to where she lives. She picks Azumarill as her starter and wonders off into the Forest. She gets tired from riding her bike and decides to walk, but she encounters a Poochyena and battles it.
The plot isn't bad but a bit more length could do, also instead of just saying she was wondering around you could tell us about the scenery ect.

Grammar:
Well, the grammar is actually pretty good on your story, maybe because as there wasn't much length in it. The only part i could find wrong was this:

Quote:
'Have a good adventure and be careful." he said. Oshe nodded her head and went on.
You forgot to put a speech mark.

Detail:
Well I couldn't seeany detail here at all, sorry. If you added more detail to the story it would make the length go higher.


Battle:

The Battle was only 3 attacks and I would of liked it to be more, a Poochyena would probally be able to defeat a Azumarill.

Length:
Not enough you only had 2k of characters here and for a Poochyena you need 5-10k, I know this is your first story but still it isn't enough.

Outcome:
This story is missing a longer battle and some more detail. If you added those in you could of made it over the length requirement and I would of given the Poochyena to you. Im sorry to say Poochyena NOT Captured. Add a longer battle and some detail and i will be happy to re-grade.
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