Re: [Mewtwo Invasion] Appeal thread.
Originally Posted by Socratic Sarcasm
You see a lanky teenager wearing a lab coat and glasses running up to the stage. He's holding a book in one hand and a Ball in the other, looking rather awkward and gawky. His voice, however, is surprisingly deep as he throws the ball from his hand with a "Forward!"
You're not very sure what to expect from the seemingly nebbish and bony coordinator, but it certainly isn't the Volcarona that bursts out of the sphere, obviously battle scarred. You see a steely glint in both the sky blue eyes of the moth and the hazel ones of its coordinator. The trainer gives a small smirk before speaking.
"Remember class, all fires need three things. Oxygen."
You're wondering why the trainer decided to say something so completely random when you begin to feel a breeze across your face. You start to dismiss it, but then you realize it's starting to pick up speed. A quick examination of the trees near the marsh reveals that the wind is spinning circularly. The fiery moth is high in the sky at the eye of the storm, obviously concentrating.
The teen's eyes seem to be on alert, almost like they're waiting for something. You see his smile widen a few seconds later as you hear him bellow:
The wind suddenly accelerates, and you have to shield your eyes so that you can see. At that same instant, many leaves and branches from the surrounding trees shear off, peppering the cyclone around the moth with large amounts of foliage. You back away from the wind, worried about the debris that might hit you. You hear the man cry out one more time:
In that instant, you feel a pulse of heat coming from the Volcarona. The wind obviously gets the lion's share, because, while any of your exposed skin becomes immediately pink and tender like it was sunburned, the poor plant matter in the storm ignites.
You survey the results with awe. The winds are clearly visible and extremely dangerous, as they swirl blazes around the moth at high speed. The fires are burning brightly and smoking heavily. And yet, the coordinator isn't done yet.
"When all these come together, fire BURNS!"
With that, the Volcarona begins to focus. All of a sudden, the Volcarona's six wings burn with the white fire of the sun.
Your eyebrows are closer to your hairline than eyes now. You see a powerful firestorm, midnight black with smoke. In it, there are brightly blazing flames, whirring with lives of there own. In the eye, you see black silhouette surrounded by a sun of its own creation, powerfully illuminated. The roars of the flames crash in your ears with thundering claps.
You used to wonder how the ancient people would worship a Pokemon, a bug, in fact. Now that you've seen this...
You will never wonder about that again.
I loved this. I really, really did. I took a bit of points off for the, “Flying-type move making stuff swirl around me.” Aside from that, I felt that your commentary made for a unique and distinctive Appeal.
The main issue I had with how realistic your Appeal was was that you said you “ran up to the arena.” The arena is a large marsh, making running fairly impossible, I'd think. Aside from that, the only problem was that the leaves burned so slowly. You addressed this in your spoiler, but I feel that the moistness would've only made them burn for a few seconds longer.
Some of your sentences were written abruptly, causing odd pauses as I read through your Appeal. There were also a few small grammar errors, like not using a colon before a monolog since you put the spoken words on a separate line. Aside from these, though, everything seems in order.
This Appeal is a perfect example of using the theme to your advantage. A swampy marshland is Volcarona's natural habitat, you utilized the foliage around you, and avoided the slipping factor. Great job here.
I loved this Appeal; I was literally smiling as I finished reading this. It's easily my favorite so far and it'll be pretty hard to beat.
Total: 71/85 ~ B-.
Originally Posted by 5TailedDemonLizard
Nacht the Honchkrow
Ability: Super Luck
Signature Move: N/A
Rain Dance ~ Icy Wind ~ Twister ~ Dark Pulse
A new trainer stepped up to the stage after the previous appeals. Her face was set, determined, but nervousness was clear in her eyes. This was her first time ever doing something like this, and the stakes were high. Very high. Despite this, she was ready to take the stage. A rather large bird was perched on her shoulder, its head bent downward as if it was sleeping. The large fedora-like crest on its head cast the rest of its face into shadow, and the only visible feature beneath the dark feathers was its sharp, golden beak.
“Nacht.” The German word roused the Honchkrow from its sleep-like state, and it exchanged a glance with its trainer before surveying its surroundings. A swamp was a natural habitat to him, and the edges of the dark bird’s beak curled up into a smirk “You know what to do.”
The Honchkrow nodded, flapping his large wings before jumping from his trainers shoulders. Nacht circled around the clearing once, taking in the makeshift arena before coming to hover with his back to his trainer. He was a seasoned fighter on his trainers team, but he knew when and how to perform. Puffing out his chest, Nacht awaited his first order.
“Rain Dance.” The command was issued with confidence, and Nacht nodded from his place in the center of the clearing. Looking to the sky that was only barely visible through the thick foliage, Nacht flew up as high as he could. With a flourish of his deep blue feathers, his eyes began to glow with a bright blue hue. After several seconds, the clearing darkened considerably. Heavy clouds began to gather, forming a single menacing mass just above the trees. With a rumble of thunder to signal its arrival, rain poured into the swamp.
Not looking the slightest bit disgruntled by his sudden wet feathers, Nacht began to slowly glide around the now sodden clearing as the rain fell. A smile appeared on his trainers lips as she issued her next order.
Nacht let out a piercing cry, opening his beak wide as he came to hover in the center of the arena once more. A light blue glow appeared in the back of his throat as his entire body seemed to tense. The sudden gust of cold air that spewed from his mouth froze the rain around him completely solid, forming crystalline shards that sparkled as they fell to the gurgling earth below. Turning his head to the terrain below him, Nacht focused the icy blast on the swamp, solidifying the mud and decomposing plant matter into a glittering stage of iridescent ice. The Honchkrow lowered himself onto the glowing surface, the clouds from his previous move dissipating and leaving the frozen rain sparkling in the surrounding air.
“Nacht, you know what to do.” The bird’s head snapped up at the words, his eyes flashing menacingly. With a heavy pump of his wings, Nacht forced the air around him to begin to rotate. It picked up speed as it progressed, and shards of the icy floor were sucked into the Twister as it grew in size. The crystals that Nacht had made previously were also sucked in, causing the spinning column of air to shimmer and glow. The trees surrounding the swamp bent towards the raging twister, as if bowing to its might, creaking and cracking as if they were giving their own eerie kind of applause.
Nacht needed no instruction for his last move. It came naturally to him, and his trainer was confident the Honchkrow would know what to do in this situation. A dark glow appeared within the raging twister, spreading throughout the column of air and ice. With surge of power, the dark energy burst through the air, causing the ice shards to move with it. The black cloud of energy hung suspended around the clearing before sinking slowly to the ground, shimmering until it finally disappeared. Nacht stood on the small island of ice, his head bowed and wings splayed as everything in the clearing fell silent. A soft chuckle from his trainer grabbed his attention and he looked up, flying from his makeshift platform to his place on her shoulder once again.
Their appeal had been a success, and the trainer walked away with an air of renewed confidence.
Freezing Rain Dance is pretty generic to begin with, but pairing that with another vacuum tornado left me pretty bored.
Honchcrow weighs about 60 pounds, for the record, so having it perched on your shoulder would either be extremely uncomfortable, or you're buff as fck. Aside from that, as I said above in Neku's Appeal, using an Ice-type move to freeze the arena (especially one with such a low BP as Icy Wind) is unlikely, so I shaved about three points off for that.
As always, your grammar is impeccable—no one's getting that Grammar Nazi Achievement because of you, that's for sure. You described the scenario very well and utilized a good vocabulary, however, I felt that Dark Pulse should've received a bit more attention, as I feel like it was tossed in as an after thought.
Using a Honchcrow was a very good idea, but I wish that you would've let a few leaves fly into the Twister. However, I can understand why you wouldn't have, as that would be too similar to Socratic's.
Again, I felt it was kinda generic, but enjoyed it nonetheless. Try to be a bit more creative next time. You have the writing skill, now you just gotta think of something worth writing about.
Total: 60/85 ~ C-.
Originally Posted by KantoBreeder
[Bregalad] Ninjask (M)
Ability: Speed Boost
No signature move
Obtained: Adoption Centre
Evolved: Evolution Dojo
Double Team ~ Agility ~ Night Slash
I stood surveying the waterlogged marsh. The sodden ground made moving around difficult - I knew that much from walking over it to get this far. This would rule out using any ground-based pokémon for this round; fortunately I hadn’t been planning to use one, having chosen a flying-type for my appeal, which I hoped would give me a slight advantage over my opponents.
My hand slowly reached for the first poké ball on my belt, then, having grasped it, I pressed the the button on its centre line to make it grow to its ordinary size. I held it for a moment, weighing it in my hand and then took a deep breath and threw it into the air. It split open, letting out a burst of white light, which quickly formed into a vaguely insect like shape. However, before the formation process was finished, the pokémon inside was speeding away as fast as he could. I smiled - this was going just as planned.
However, its identity wasn’t hidden for long. Soon, the form of a Ninjask appeared above the root-encrusted cinder block, his white wings beating furiously to keep him in the air. He wasn’t alone though: another soon joined him, hovering a few metres away, and another after that. There were soon five Ninjask buzzing in a cross, centred on the cinder block. Now the show would begin.
From their stationary positions, the five bugs suddenly began to dance, whizzing past each other at terrific speeds, climbing several feet and then diving down until they nearly hit the sandy ground before pulling up, spinning like a sycamore seed in reverse. As the dance went on, the dancers began to move faster and faster, their moves becoming more and more daring. Finally, they stopped dead in the exact same formation as where they had started and paused, allowing the tension to build.
Suddenly, the Ninjask in the centre blurred and disappeared, beginning once again to move faster than my eyes could follow. Then, he was next to one of his identical twins, his front legs swirling with darkness. Without giving time for his proximity to register, he slashed through the bug’s body, making it flicker and fade away. Before the others could react, he had disappeared once again and cut down the next Ninjask without mercy. He worked his way around, dispatching each with the stealth, speed and skill of a ninja.
When they were all destroyed, he moved back to where he had started: above the cinder block. Having retrieved his poké ball, I aimed it at him and he was converted back into light and pulled back in. We had done all we could, all there was left to do was wait.
I don't feel like this Appeal has anything really, “oomph-y” about it. It feels kinda like a commercial; you're still sitting on the couch, but you're taking a break between portions of the TV show. Try to give something with a bit more pizazz next time.
I could picture this happening very easily in the anime, especially since it's so simple. You're probably the only person who'll get a fifteen in this category, so good job here.
The pause after Agility really killed the Appeal for me; if the Ninjask had used their momentum to move into Night Slash, that would've lead to a better flowing Appeal. Also, the fact that a lot of proper nouns weren't capitalized irked me. The way it was written created a nice mood to the Appeal.
I like the idea of using mosquito-like Bug-types in this Appeal, as the humid swamp would probably have many to begin with, but a more
Unfortunately, I thought the Appeal was kinda boring. :/
Total: 69/85 ~ B-.
Originally Posted by Velocity
[Freaky Blimp] Drifblim* (F)
Silver Wind ~ Ominous Wind ~ Psychic ~ Haze
My hand trembles as it holds the Pokeball. Performing always makes me nervous. Contests ought to be better, since it's not me going up and making a fool of myself, but they aren't. After all, if my Pokemon screws up here, that's all on me.
So I delay my appeal as long as I can, until finally the contestant pool seems tapped out. Then I step up to make my move, still holding the Pokeball in my hand. At least it's not too
windy anymore. The thought of the good weather gives me a marginal amount of confidence as I toss the Pokeball into the clearing's center.
A burst of red light streams from the Pokeball, before clearing to reveal the form of my chosen Pokemon: a golden creature with a bulbous body that tapers down to a cyan plume at its bottom end. The Pokemon has four 'arms', which really look only like blue-tipped scraps added as an afterthought. It gazes at the crowd with bright teal eyes, looking a bit dazed for a moment before brought to attention by a quiet murmur from me. "Silver Wind, Freaky," I remind my Pokemon quietly. Her body expands, and she begins to rise higher and higher, almost to the treetops. The flabby arms rise as if of their own accord and begin to glow with a faint white light. Then, with a quick flick, she sends the light flying downward. A crescent of sparkling silver energy flies from each arm, tilted inward at an angle so that they blend together into one meteor of light.
"Ominous Wind!" I call out as soon as the sphere forms. I have to be careful; this appeal hinges on two main things, and the first is timing. Fortunately, Freaky and I have practiced this often enough. Her body inflates, nearly doubling in size, before contracting rapidly as she opens her mouth and lets out a breath of glowing, deep-violet energy. Freaky begins to descend, slowly chasing the second wind attack even as it chases the first. But the silver energy hits the ground first, pulverizing the swamp muck as it bursts into a shower of silvery dust, each speck glimmering with captured light.
I tense; if we mess up, it will be here. This is where the second main factor, control, comes into play. "Psychic, now!" I shout. Freaky stops, still several feet above the ground. Her eyes light up bright blue, just as the violet wind begins to blow the silver sparkles and purple mist into miniature cyclones of glowing dust. A blue glow, faint but present, casts the marsh floor and surrounding area in an eerie light. Slowly, the glow lifts upward and curls inward, pulling the glittering dust and violet wisps with it.
With an abrupt pull, the energy lifts like a net and closes in the shape of an orb around Freaky. The motion sets the mist and powder to dancing, causing an effect that is every bit what I intended: Freaky looks like the center of a snowglobe, what with the white powder twirling around her. To be sure, it's an eerie snowglobe, what with the blue glow and purple mist.
She stays like that for several seconds, holding onto the effect for as long as possible. Once the 'snowflakes' begin to settle, I call out for Freaky to use her last move. "Haze."
The psychic bubble snaps, and Freaky releases a veritable explosion of thick, choking smoke that swallows up the sparkles. When it fades, swept away by rain and wind, the space it once occupied is empty. Freaky and all traces that she has ever been here have vanished.
Feeling a bit more confident now, I smile and wave at the other competitors. "Thanks for watching!" I say before I can lose my nerve. A presence appears at my shoulder, and Freaky tilts her body slightly so that she and I can bow in unison.
I thought the whole net thing was very creative, something I wouldn't expect from anyone but you. Nice job here.
When balloons expel the air inside them, they often fly in the opposite direction, so when you said that Drifblim was descending after using Ominous Wind, it registered as a bit off for me.
No grammar mistakes that I saw, but my only issue with this is that the net scene needs to be described better. It was a complicated Appeal, so a few extra explanation sentences would've been nice.
I like how you had Silver Wind slice into the marsh below, but the Drifblim seemed pretty random as far as Pokemon go.
Overal, this was a nice Appeal. It was a great way to end the Appeal round of this Contest. :)
Total: 72/85 ~ B.
Last edited by 3m0d0ll; 02-09-2013 at 06:25 AM.