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Old 11-10-2012, 10:55 PM
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Graceful_Suicune Offline
Race the North Wind
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Default Re: Unicorn Story *WARNING* graphic and morbid

Well first of all I have overall points.

1) It's literally 279 words long. That's a paragraph. An average chapter size of mine is 9,000-12,000 words. Not 279... xD Like, that's a fragment I can literally write in three minutes.

2) You repeat things such as "Watching his victims slowly bleed to death." You don't literally repeat sentences, but we KNOW he does this and it was demonstrated in more detail earlier. xD

3) Your tense is really odd. Many of your sentences are incomplete. You physically construct them in such a way that implies there's more to the sentence, or that someone's only saying it once,'s everywhere. Let me show you an example:

The flavor of warm blood on his tongue. Watching his victims slowly bleed to death. The feeling of bones snapping and shattering beneath his ebony hooves, their shrieks of pain and fear.
It never says what all this does, or any the point of the formatting. You can't just have a sentence that says "The flavor of warm blood on his tongue." That's incomplete. It should be something like, "The flavour of warm blood on his tongue made him itch for more" or something. I don't really know how else to explain it, but I hope you get where I'm coming from.

4) Your story isn't so much a story, but a fragmented description of some creature it seems like we somehow never actually see. It seems like somebody is telling this story, but it doesn't say who, what they are, where they are, why or how. And if it's not a person explaining, it's a strange way to narrate. And like I said, some sentences are incomplete. The only part of the story which is the narrative part is really short and slapped in the middle, so it doesn't have any sort of feel that it's a story.

5) There are many grammatical errors, such as:

He begin searching for ever more unfortunate victims, he finds them in a nearby village craving flesh, as a sheep walks into its deathtrap.
Should be he began, not begin. You can't put a comma after "victims" because it's the end of the sentence, and therefore warrants a period or a semicolon. For the comma to be correct, the sentence would need to join up with a word like "and" or "because," or for the tenses/wording to be different. It also sounds like you said that the sheep are the ones craving flesh.

As well a that, you have countless spelling errors such as "muzle," "presance," "fron," "crimoson," etc. It's very sloppy and I get the impression you didn't check over this once it was written.

I also don't understand the random quotation marks around this short paragraph, unless, like I said, it's someone talking. In which case, you need context.

Aside from that, there are many things I don't understand. Firstly, I do not see this as morbid or graphic in the slightest. Reading through this, yes, it mentioned blood and things dying, but it had absolutely no impact because a story of a creature is being told, rather than this being a story of a creature. Show, don't tell. It was like you took one paragraph of some storyteller's speech from a chapter-sized chapter and whacked it into its own post and then didn't really explain anything about it.

I would mention that the unicorn torturing prey for the reason of just eating makes no sense, but I realise that he's not hungry for anything but blood itself, so that makes more sense.

By the way, "bloodshed" and "bloodthirsty" are both one word.

So yeah, overall I don't get it and it doesn't have any sort of impact on a reader. It's not shocking because there are so many faults that I couldn't focus on the actual story, or, more accurately, text that sounded like a speech some person was saying which explains something vague about a monster, and even then, without context and without a proper story, the blood and gore means nothing and does nothing for the reader. It was kind of annoying how many times I saw "blood" for the reason that it was just so repeated. xD

I apologise if you take this badly or see it as harsh or unfair, but it's the honest truth and I wouldn't say it if I didn't care. xD I advise that you take a gander at some of the other stories around here, so that next time you can write a story that is a story, rather than a story that seems like it's being told from the view of one person, and so you can develop a plot, proper characters, conflict, etc etc. Basic story stuff that this 279-word paragraph lacked.

Good luck! 8D

Everyone who's still stuck here, Pe2k is Dead. It's sad, but it happened. Instead, we moved to...

Pokemon Crossroads!
Pe2k's spiritual successor! :D I'm Suicune's Fire there.

Last edited by Graceful_Suicune; 11-10-2012 at 11:03 PM.
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