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Old 11-02-2012, 06:58 AM
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Middle of nowhere
Posts: 78
Default Re: Ten Reasons Why You Should Have a Magikarp

So hey... two grades in one night. Not too bad. I'm actually just avoiding reading As I Lay Dying. But enough about me, let me tell you about you.

Introduction: The reader is introduced to a possible actual human being who lives and breathes just like us, Barry Longhorn, and how he wants to prove to his classmate Harley that Magikarp are worth catching. We also get insight into the character himself through his interactions with Miss I Hate You All, showing that he is probably a nerd with some wickedly witty comebacks. You dun good mate, as I got a firm understanding of character, setting, and conflict/character motivation in the very first paragraph along with a strong first sentence that pulled me in like a Magikarp on a fishing line. Clever, I know. I also was interested in learning more about Barry and his life, and I kind of gobbled this story up as soon as I saw it. Just didn't grade it until now. Sorry.

Plot: The story is essentially a look into the daily life and mind of Barry, and here it definitely works. For more difficult captures I think this set up could also be effective, however you would have to omit the 'list of reasons why you should catch this' and instead write fully about the characters life and how Pokemon effects them.

As for the listing, it was almost like how I outline my essays before writing them, but with sadly better insight into the subject. For you, that's great, for me, it's probably bad. Either way, I found it humorous and definitely original in comparison to other Magikarp stories I have seen in the past, which always include fishing. Fishing is a boring concept for a story, even if it has Pokemon in it. (If you can make fishing interesting, I will give you a gold star.) Point is, you managed to make a simple list from a nerdy school kid the most original and creative concept for a Magikarp capture I have ever seen and managed to make it entertaining. It had zest and a strong voice and style, concepts which you should definitely carry over to your other more story-driven tales.

Description: Strong and a little bit quirky description here, above and beyond for a Magikarp. I liked the use of slang terms in here, thought it added to the characterization of Barry very well. Of course a stronger description of setting, the characters of Miss I Hate You All and Harvey, and possibly a description of Barry himself would be appreciated, but in this kind of story it isn't really necessary. In fact I find that the implied details that you used in the first few paragraphs were more appropriate here, as even though we know nothing of Barry's appearance, we can still get the feeling of his looks through his interactions with other characters and through his inner voice.

Even in more complicated stories, there are plenty of times when implied details are the most effective. Use this to your advantage when you can. However you can always stay on the safe side as well if you feel like it would be risky. More description can't really hurt you.

Grammar: Perfect as far as I can tell. Nice job.

Length: You actually fell a little short, which is fine but there were areas where you could have padded things a little, namely in the introduction and ending. Honestly just adding more witticisms would be the easiest way to pad and describe more details about the life of Barry Longhorn.

Outcome: Simple story, simple grade. Magikarp caught! I appreciate the use of an unconventional capture here and you are a very strong author. I'm looking forward to reading more of your stories and meeting more of your characters. You seem especially good at creating interesting people.

Have fun eating your fresh catch. Remember, those screams you hear are only the sounds of steam rising out of the pot, Magikarps can't scream.
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Last edited by Not Safe For Adults; 11-02-2012 at 07:02 AM.
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