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Old 11-02-2012, 06:22 AM
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Not Safe For Adults Offline
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Middle of nowhere
Posts: 78
Default Re: The Ultimate Story

Alright you have waited long enough for this one! So here is a grade for you, one that is quick and crappy just like you asked for in the first post.

Introduction: Please dear God include a summary of events next time before starting another chapter. Although it was easy enough to understand what was happening and who the characters of April and the hiker were, it's also easy for you to give a two sentence intro to everything before you start a new section to help graders along. You don't even have to start from the beginning of the story, just do a summary of April's part in it. I only read this particular chapter of your story and thus I did not have a clue what you meant by April's pursuers or why she was looking for Jack.

Otherwise, great job on this section. I got immersed in the story right away, and I'm glad you continued from where you left off with the Cubone battle.

Plot: You know what you're doing here. All is good. Nice conflicts, set ups for future installments, a nice tournament to look forward to. Awesome.

Although Pokemon fanfiction isn't exactly great literature, maybe start adding more depth to the thematic elements of the story. More figurative language, symbols, motifs, yada yada. All that English class stuff can add extra challenge for your writing. You had a lot of that already in the story, but you can always add more for next time.

Description: Amazing work here. All of the characters were well described including their clothing (although you described it in a bit of a list format), and their personalities were well defined. I should probably include a section just for characterization in the grade, but it would only be filled with praise (and who wants that?).

Length: I'm sure it's long enough. But please include character count next time.

Battle: Best part of the whole shebang. Incorporating the muddy environment helped make this much more interesting and gave a life-or-death feel to it that is rarely present in most Pokemon battles. I imagine fighting an Onix would be pretty scary and messy in real life, so good job with keeping it real.

Writing Style and Voice: You are cool enough to have this be a section. Quite frankly, I love the way you write. You know when to add humor and when to keep things serious. I also appreciated the fourth wall breaking when describing April's clothes. I felt it was appropriate. And the comedy actually made me laugh. Always nice.

Grammar: Couple of mistakes here and there, not going to bother pointing them out. Just continue proofreading and whatnot.

Outcome: After such a long wait, how can I not give this to you? You are an excellent story teller and I apologize for not noticing the lack of grade sooner. It's because the last post was by someone other than you... anyway Onix captured! Yaaaay!
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