Thread: [Pokemon] Project Gray [PG-13]
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Old 10-26-2012, 10:16 PM
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Default Re: Project Gray [PG-13]

Sorry it took me a while to get to this, but I got pretty busy all the sudden, lol.

Anyway, nice new update! :D I'm really quite a fan of your descriptions! And I also like the direction you're taking with some of these cannon characters. Reading about Blue is awesome~!

I've just noticed some slight mistakes--and again, it's that paragraphing thing. I'll point out the places where you should paragraph here (bolded parts):

"A strange group with a Machoke, right?" Blue asked before the older man could speak. Surprised, the aide nodded, "Yes, how did you know?"
This section seemed tricky, so I think I would just format it like this:
Sabrina looked at her in silence for a moment, making the blonde trainer nervous. "None of the members in your party caused any of the attacks that happened in the past weeks..."

Scarlett sighed in relief.

"...but one did cause a horrible accident five years ago."

The younger girl frowned. She tried to believe it, but she just couldn't. Her pokemon seemed so gentle, so trustworthy, so loyal.. "What happened? What about the other accidents? Is there more coming? Is there anything we can do to prevent what will happen?"
The psychic sighed as she was being buried with questions, but replied quietly, remaining patient. "Scarlett, I have a gift to sense certain things, but I am no god. I do not have the answers for everything." The golden-haired girl lowered her head in disappointment, but at least she had a clue to learn more about the disaster that happened five years ago. She had to have answers because she felt partly responsible. Water continued to drip from the girl's clothes and hair, leaving a small puddle underneath her feet since she was still drenched because of the downfall. "Well, can you at least tell me where the woman who attacked me lives?"
Back in the entry of the psychic gym, the two young women were face to face with a uniformed man who was very large in height and had a huge grin stretched across his face, showing off his white teeth. Once both of Scarlett's feet was off of the platform, sparks of electricity filled the glass tile, causing its light to intensify and eventually it was completely destroyed, not being able to handle such a high voltage. The teal lights that used to lead to the platform slowly faded away as well. "You guys are very lucky." The man said as he took off his sunglasses. Scarlett's eyes narrowed as she put the pieces together. "You tried trapping us in there?" She yelled, knowing that there would be no way out without the platforms.
"Last chance, Sabrina. Come with us and then there will be no problems." Sabrina closed her eyes as she smiled once more, looking back up at the blonde lieutenant, "I'm afraid that we are going to have problems then. Gallade, Stone Edge." She said softly.
"Poison Fang!" Yelled the uniformed female. Her pokemon's fangs instantly filled with venom, then stuck its glowing purple fangs in the Gallade's shoulder. "Get it off of you! Use Close Combat!" Sabrina barely croaked out. The dual-typed pokemon nodded as it ran against the wall...
"You're lying." the blonde said as she narrowed her eyes. "Believe what you want to believe, but I just refuse to be apart of whatever they are trying to form." the psychic said calmly. "But, you are going to have to help me." she added.
Aside from that, I've noticed one other typo...

Scarlett trailed off as she thought back whenever her pokemon went into a rage after it saw light for the very first time whenever it evolved into the feathered beast that she knows today.
Those "whenever"s should actually be just "when"s; doesn't make sense the way it is now ^^'

Anyway, I hope this post helped! :D Scarlett's Hydreigon sounds really interesting, but I'm doubting that it was the Pokemon that crazy woman was talking about. I'm still thinking it's Entei, but you do have me questioning that now xD I am confused on one thing. Scarlett said that she named it Hydra because she couldn't pronounce Hydreigon, but it sounded like she actually had it before it was a Hydregion? Or did I read that wrong? :o

Sabrina's in the story, yay! :D Hmm, and maybe Blaine will be coming soon as well? Sounds like that's where Blue's headed ^^ Lookin' forward to more! :D

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