Thread: [Pokemon] Time Exploration
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Old 09-29-2012, 12:37 AM
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Default Re: Time Exploration

Quote:
She was in her secret area, where the trees seem more alive and there are more Pokemon scurrying about.
You switched from past tense (was) to present tense (seem and are). This makes the sentence seem disjointed. Try changing it to "seemed" and "were" ;)

Quote:
An oblivious Rattatta soon came bounding over in her view.
"Rattata"

Quote:
“Now’s the time,” she said, smirking. At that, the young Houndour pounced.
Rattatta shrieked and attempted to flee. Raven was faster and within seconds, had Rattatta by its neck between her teeth. Raven applied pressure to the neck and Rattatta’s body went limp. She dropped the dead rat on the ground and set it ablaze with her flamethrower. When she saw that the body was brown and toasted, she set to work on devouring it.
New paragraph to separate the speech. You could combine it, however, but with your flow it is probably better to keep it apart. "Rattata" is misspelled, but also, is that the name of the Pokemon? It's the name of the species. As such, it would probably be better to have "The Rattata shrieked" and such. The last "Ratatta" could be replaced by "its" so avoid naming it so much.

Depending on context, if it is the move "Flamethrower" it should be capitalized. If it merely means a stream of fire, then it doesn't need to be.


Quote:
“Whoa, better get back home before mom or dad freaks,” she said, kicking the carcass to the side and running back to the trail she made between home and her hideout. The path was a set of trees which was marked by a pair of burnt marks.
Since "Mom" and "Dad" are the names of the characters, they are capitalized. You could easily put their names in and it would work, and that's an easy way to tell if it should be capitalized. They have names, but for Raven their names are Mom and Dad.

"Marked by a pair of burnt marks", you are repeating "mark" just variations. Perhaps try "Marked by a pair of burned sections" or "Marked by a pair of burn patterns"?


Quote:
Raven paced back and forth in a scurrying attempt to find the starting trees, but still could not find it. After a while, she laid down on the ground. I..I can’t be lost she thought. I clearly marked the trees with my flamethrower She scanned the area while laying down. Her curiousity peeked suddenly when she saw something sticking out from between a set of trees.
You are missing an ellipses, a period. Always do a set of three periods "...", also, "lost" needs a comma after it. "Flamethrower" again needs to be capitalized, and a period added. "Curiosity" is also misspelled.

Quote:
Raven trotted over to the set of trees and discovered a small grey rock about two feet tall and three feet wide. Why would there be a rock in the middle of the forest? she wondered. Cautiously, Raven tried to headbutt it. Surprisingly, the rock moved foreward, but then an Earthquake shook the area.
"Forward". Also, to be honest, the whole "why is there a rock in the forest" thing...Why wouldn't there be? I think your phrasing was a bit off. Maybe add something peculiar about the rock?


Quote:
Whoa,” Raven exclaimed, trying to hold on as the ground rumbled violently. The rock shattered and then four walls shot up and boxed her in.
She exclaimed, yet there is no exclamation point? It should be "Whoa!", and it would also show more surprise and fear.




Now, this isn't a bad start to a story. I found it short, but again, you are just starting out. However, try adding more detail, making your paragraphs longer. We have no idea what Raven looks like, or what the surroundings look like. Paint a mental picture, "show don't tell". You are telling, not really giving us a good idea of what is going on.


In general, for my stories I aim for at least five sentences in a paragraph, fully detailed. I also aim for each chapter to be around seven to ten pages in Word, no double spacing. That is a good area to go for, but as for now aim for maybe two pages on Word?

I'd also recommend not leaving off on a cliffhanger for the first chapter. You didn't build up any suspense, we have no attachment to the character, and it feels incomplete in this sense. Cliffhangers are to be used when the chapter is long, but also to make the readers wonder what is going on and want to come back. Doing it too quickly or in such a short chapter really makes it feel like the chapter itself got cut in half.



That being said, I do look forward to more from you, and I hope to see you improve! If you need any help, please, feel free to contact me ^^ And, don't be put off by the review and corrections. Good criticism helps writers improve. It's the bad criticism which does nothing but hurt feelings. Good luck~
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