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Old 08-25-2012, 09:07 AM
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Scytherwolf Offline
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Hiding from metal coats...
Posts: 6,989
Default Re: Through the Eyes of a Flareon ~ [PG] - Book Two

Okay, I'm REALLY sorry this is so late, but here is the review for the most recent two chapters!

I didn’t wish such a death upon any of the pokémon I was travelling with, let alone me, as even houndoom did not escape my concern.
Even the houndoom? o: If she’s calling him “Houndoom” I think it should be capitalized.

“Houndoom,” I hissed quietly, hoping the blubbery form of the quagsire between us and the glaceon would block some of the sound.
XDDDDDDDDDDD For some reason I found that very amusing.

as it was for the drilbur, popping up at random intervals and intersecting our paths by mistake. One of them shot up from the ground right in front of me at one stage, scaring the living daylights out of me. She repeated hasty apologies before disappearing
I love that image!

It was appropriately guarded by rock watchman sprouting from the cavern floor, and for some reason I was compelled to imagine them with human dress and some type of spear. And then I imagined a moustache on one of them, a broader one, and was so distracted by the other amusing mental images which generated in my mind

A spark jumped between us, some sort of wave that shattered a wall she learnedly hoped I wouldn’t even gaze upon.
I really like the imagery of this!

“Faltering is the first sign of failure,” she told him half-attentively. “I think you should reschedule a time with the rock. Clearly you’re too busy procrastinating to actually make a move. I think the rock won the battle.”

“Nah, you’re correct,” he began, starting off after Derino. “It’s not the right path.” Rentana followed slowly, looking tired. When the krinar was a few steps in, he turned around to finish his sentence, smirking. “It’s the left path.”

He was not expecting a sudden head to emerge from under the ground, underneath him, feeling a sudden pain
Used sudden twice. O:

Chapter 27:

While his back was turned, the first rhyhorn he had skidded out the way,
He had seen?

He held Rentana firmly over his shoulder, unwilling allow harm to come to her in an unconscious state.
Unwilling to

“You’re talkin’ a whole lotta gibberish, Flair,”
Whole. Lotta. Pain.

Paired with that realisation was the thought that whatever it was had to have been strong enough to break through a wall, meaning that whatever it was had to have been powerful.
Used 'whatever it was' twice.

I could clearly see it scrape along the sides of the rock and cringed; that was how Zhol had gotten a ruined her foot, and the end result had not been pretty.
Confusing. XD

I really love how you described Dusty's thoughts about walking through the cave, such as how she was worried that she could fall into tunnels built by ground types and how that thought only occurred to her then and wasn't something she would have considered before. It really shows how foreign this type of area is for Dusty, and it's really neat to imagine. I really loved the description of the huge cave room with the ledges and the tunnels. I could just picture how massive it was, and how astonishing it would seem to Dusty who was a complete stranger to being underground, let alone being in a place like that! I loved the way you described it as well, and it was awesome to picture it! I was kind of surprised when they didn't enter it and instead chose a different way, but that did make sense considering that it seemed like it could be really dangerous. I agree with Dusty that the big room was awesome, though!

I found myself wondering what other wondrous elements of caves were in existence; in all my travels with my trainer, I had only occasionally passed through caves, and the ones we made it through were short and daft. It was amazing to explore a proper one.
I really like this part, and I can really picture just how amazing it would be to see such a huge one. I also wonder if any trainers pass through that cave. If they do, it doesn't seem like they do often.

Also, I'm really wondering what happened with Zaion and Azure now. o: It's also nice to see Dusty almost/sort of (XD) getting along with Azure. I wonder if they'll ever fully get along...I'm really not sure. XD

It's annoying that Tarla knew the path her companions were taking was the wrong one, but they refused to listen to her. DX I liked how you described her mixed thoughts about approaching the mountain, and how it held good memories for her as well as bad. I thought that was a nice detail to include. And it's REALLY annoying that they didn't listen to her when trying to break the rock; I had a feeling something bad was going to happen if they did it...

I really loved the whole rock pokemon/diglett ambush! It was really suspenseful and I loved how not only were there so many of them, that together they were all very strong, and fighting them off was not only difficult, but pretty much impossible. I was impressed (in a way; I know it's not a good thing they attacked XD) that they were able to bring Tarla down. That kinda surprised me, especially since it happened early-ish on.

I also really liked the scene with Etire and the rhyhorn, especially the part where they were headed straight toward Rentana when he had no real way to warn her of what was coming. It makes sense that she wouldn't see or hear the rhyhorn, since with all the pokemon around her, there would probably be a lot of noise as well as the distraction of trying to focus on her attackers at once, so it was easy to imagine why she would be oblivious to another oncoming attack at that moment. I can really imagine how alarmed he must have been as he tried to get the pokemon to stop, to no avail of course.

The part where Etire got crushed against the wall was really startling as well, and I certainly wasn't expecting that! It makes a lot of sense though, that in that situation, someone was going to get badly hurt. It would pretty much be a miracle if no one did.

I liked the idea of Tarla using sing - that was smart, and it was interesting to see it affect Rentana as well, since, I dunno, it seems like something people wouldn't usually think about when writing stories, but it makes a lot of sense. When she finally fell asleep I knew they were in big trouble, since now two of their teammates were unable to battle (I sound like some sort of Pokemon League announcer or something XD). And then the rhyhorn crashing into Tarla...that was really intense! This whole thing reminded me a bit of playing Mystery Dungeon and being ambushed by a ton of pokemon in the really high level dungeons when my team was lowish-leveled, weak, or not very prepared, and knowing things were looking pretty much hopeless, but worse. I always thought the monster houses in PMD would be REALLY scary in a story, and this is a bit like that, and it's definitely BIGLY threatening for the characters. When Tarla was trying to lift Etire and realized she'd hurt her wing...that was a big "uh, oh o.o" moment. The line "she couldn't even save herself" really emphasized this.

I was surprised when the rhyhorn leader told Tarla, "we know who you are". I wonder if she was talking about the altaria group or the colony? I'm not really sure, but I'd guess it was the former since they live closer, but either way, that's interesting and I really wonder if there's more to this attack than simply 'destroying territory', which I'm guessing there is.

I REALLY wasn't expecting the ground to collapse; that was really surprising and a sudden turn of events. I also loved the image of the rhyhorn flinging the geodude to safety. It was both amusing and nice to see because I like it when opposing pokemon show concern for members of their group, contrary to what villainbots would do. xD When they were all in the underground chamber beneath, I knew the rock pokemon would have taken less damage, and that the situation was even worse, even though at first it had almost seemed like the collapse would aid them by distracting the attacking pokemon or something, but of course it wasn't just them it affected.

I found it as strange as Dusty did that Zaion was acting strange, and I really wonder what his reasons are.

I had worked my butt off trying to fend them off, and they had clearly been without strong morals, as they wore me down to a tired lump of fur, and had discussed the possibility of taking me to a “release specialist,” which I knew was only a euphemism for a human that severed the connection a pokémon had with a poké ball and simultaneously a trainer, and unbound the pokémon, voluntary or not.
That's REALLY creepy. I mean, I've always imagined there was some way to sever the connection to a poke ball if a pokemon was stolen, but hearing her thinking about that and knowing that it happens was really interesting even though I had always thought similar things. Just the idea of it is creepy...forcefully severing the connection between a pokemon and its trainer.

I'm really glad Dusty and the others stumbled across Tarla's group in the cavern! They certainly needed any sort of help they could get! Too bad Dusty's type certainly doesn't give her an advantage. DX I really liked the part where she was being carried off by the charging rhyhorn that nearly slammed into the wall. I was thinking about what happened to Etire and I'm glad she managed to get off/out of the way before she struck it!

I was really annoyed/angry at Zaion just standing there while the rest attempted to help. I completely understand Dusty's frustration at him and I really wonder what was going through his mind. The fact that more enemy pokemon were coming through was scary, though at least they had Splash on their side (though I doubt that would be enough help for so many pokemon). And Zaion heard her and still refused to move? What a toof. >:c I REALLY hope he has some explanation for this. Though whether it's a good one or not, I'm not sure.

I'm REALLY curious to see what happens now, and I really like how un-easy everything was in this battle. It really makes me think that any sort of outcome could come from this, and I'm excited to see what that outcome is. So good job! =D

Thanks to Lunar Latias for the banner and Kirimori for the picture!

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