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Old 07-10-2012, 03:16 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Being Judged)




CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
It was a very interesting idea. I would have liked to see a tad bit more of relation to the story, or a stronger establishment of it, but otherwise that's alright. I can tell that there was a good amount of thought put into it, and you mixed the first description of why nobody suspected him quite well. The thing that made this a bit expected, though (in case you couldn't tell by the .gif), is the fact that I am an avid fan of Assassin's Creed. Thus, as I have played and heard a similar story line for 4 games, and soon to 5, and have reread fiction involving it countless times, it no longer holds much weight for me. I also would have suggested a possibly more unique title, something other than such a common phrase such as 'changing history'. Maybe 'The Changeling' or something of the like?

I find it ironic that you labeled it 16+ when I'm only 14. XDD
I award you with 13 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
I found some errors here...
Spoiler:
Quote:
I surveyed my surroundings, only certain torches had been lit up within the room...
It should be a semicolon rather than a comma.

Quote:
"The torchlight would lead me to my objective, then I would have to do the rest."
Needs to be 'and then' or something of the like, since 'I would have to do the rest' is an independent clause.

Quote:
I surveyed the area before me flamed flickered...
Two errors here. The dash should be a colon, and 'flamed' should be 'flame'.

Quote:
I had no time to attempt picking the lock. Soon enough it broke free and I pried the door open I was sickened by the sight.
Should be something along the lines of 'open, only to be sickened by the sight before me.'

Quote:
All but us were blind to see his true nature.
Should be 'all but we'.

Quote:
My action tonight has changed history...
I understand the impact and what you're trying to do here, but try to keep your tenses constant. Should be 'My action that night had changed history' and if you wanted to make it clear that the consequences had yet to be seen it should be followed up with something like '...history. Though whether for better or for worse had yet to be foretold, the fact that I had altered the course of our country was certain.'

I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 12 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
Okay, so I'll have to dock some points from you here too...

Spoiler:
Quote:
The moon, arched in a 'C'-like position...
The word you are looking for is 'crescent'...

Quote:
Three knights came upon me (for they were guarding their King)...
This could have been made better by making it 'Three knights came upon me, eager to guard their King'.

Quote:
...I launched my knife into his left eye the mixture of a jelly-like substance and blood quickly seeping out and covering his agonised face he fell to the floor with a squeal...
The thing about this is that not only is it very awkward, but it also doesn't fit. Normally when you use dashes to separate something (you're technically supposed to use em dashes without spaces between them instead of hyphens...), you can take out the extra part you put between them and the sentence left would still be complete, as it is only a modifying clause. However, that's not the case here. There are probably a lot of others like this, but this is the only one I picked up on more. If you take out the description, you get 'I launched my knife into his left eye he fell to the floor with a squeal'. I would suggest 'and he fell to the floor...' instead.

Quote:
...had grabbed hold of the King, a small dagger which I had pulled from my boot just before I grabbed hold of him...
Redundant/repetitive, try wording the latter part better.

Quote:
...pleading and quivering like a Fool when found unamusing...
I understand what you're trying to say--a jester performing from the king. You might want to use 'jester' instead, because at first I thought 'Fool' was a mistake until I realized what you meant.

Quote:
All else I could see was a well-kept, neatly furnished room which smelled of lavender fancy furniture filling the empty spaces.
I would suggest '...neatly furnished room that smelled of lavender and filled with fancy furniture.'

Quote:
...throat. He gargled as the blood shot from his throat.
Repetitive, try 'he gargled as the blood shot from his neck', or since I think you used it previously, try 'jugular' for the first, as that's the vital vein.

Quote:
...sword raised high. I ducked away, the sword...
Also repetitive, try 'blade' or 'sharpened steel'.

Quote:
...glass ahead. Launching myself forward, the glass shattered and I fell down...
Glass is also repetitive. Try 'I launched myself forward, the transparent shards glittering under the shine of the moon's luminescence as they gave in to the weight of my form. I fell down...' or something of the like~

MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 10 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Description and execution.
--You described things pretty well and despite Changing History's flaws, you executed it quite nicely.
BETTER; Vocabulary and Hyphens/Em Dashes
--Don't be afraid to tenderly use a thesaurus every once in a while (note the 'tenderly'; don't be too extravagant) if you can't think of a different adjective or noun to use. ^_^ Okay, now onto what kept this from being an enjoyable read most of all: the dashes. Too many, bro. I'm sorry, but there were too many. The occasional use is perfectly alright, but I counted about 27 times just by browsing through, and in a story 300 words short of a length of 2k, it's just too much. DD': Try to make a conscious effort to cut down on them.

My calculator has spat out the number 35/60.
Your Achilles Heel was the em dashes, bud. Sorry. I love your writing and I know your talented, but that took out the enjoyment for me. Still love yuh, though! <33[/RIGHT]





CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
A very interesting entry, I do have to admit. It was something along the lines of what I expected, but then again, not expected at all. It only turned into a massive brain-melting session after I read the spoiler tags. @___@ The poemception was very clever, though! I didn't expect for anything involving the shadows cast by torchlight to be in poem form--I was expected horror-themed short stories, but you surprised me.
I award you with 20 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
This entry seems to be void of errors! Congrats! <3
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 10 points out of 10.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
This poem flowed very nicely. Rhyme always helps flow along nicely! Anyway, Dusk Delusions fit to a steady rhythm in my head quite well, with the exception of a few parts.

Spoiler:
Quote:
It shifts and turns, changing shape
Forming into monsters of evil and wit
Story playing out like a ripped up tape
Terror throwing sanity into a fit
The sudden change in rhyming pattern made me go back and say 'wait, what?'. After you get into the habit of a constant pattern, it sort of throws you off once you change it. I understand that constantly rhyming every single line is a challenge, but I think that it could have been bandaged by switching it to an AA,BB pattern, and possibly if you still wanted to do and AB,AB you could have done it in the next stanza, as it would be a more gradual change. It is not as bade when it comes to the next stanza you do this in ('Just as darkness seems to win...') because the rhymes still share similar vowel/consonant sounds and the 'd's are gentle.

Quote:
So this tale ends with insight
One syllable too long for my mind's liking. It probably would have been alright if it weren't for the sharp sounds of the rest of the line and rolled off of the tongue easier. The roughness of the 't' in 'tale' throws it off for me.

MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 26 POOS OUT OF 30 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Blowing minds.
--I've expressed this to you enough. XD I was perfectly fine until I got to the spoilers and then my mind melted. I might have exaggerated the severity of this for your amusement, but it was still pretty trippy. c:
BETTER; ...
--Also not sure what to put here. XD I guess get a second opinion and tell them to pay special attention to the flow?

My calculator has spat out the number 56/60.
You did wonderfully. <3 DAMN YOU PEOPLE FOR TYINGGGG. D:<







CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
Wow, a historical fiction piece! Another thing that I did not expect! It was a very interesting piece and I most certainly enjoyed reading it! I loved the discussion of the moon, as well. You made the presence of torches and thus the relation of the theme obvious in your first paragraph, and showed its importance in the story. Without it, it would open them to an ambush, but with its shadows being so wildly cast abound, Armand is twitchy and nervous. I was very pleased with the little details you threw in, such as the presence of the animals being comforting and such. The end slightly reminded me of the beginning of Assassin's Creed II and made me a bit sad, but made it a bit more pleasant than me as it was one of the more emotionally affecting parts of the game. <3
I award you with 20 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
You do have a couple of errors, but they are very minor and I was extremely pleased with that fact.
Spoiler:
Quote:
The moon above managed to give a vague outline of the trees and road that were not lit but the torchlight...
Should be 'lit by the torchlight'.

Quote:
...since his sickness had been bothering him lately.
Should be 'has been', as putting 'had' contradicts with 'lately'...

Quote:
...sound of their harnesses and swords and gears clanking off into the distance...
I think you mean 'and gear', because I cannot even begin to fathom why the hussars would have gears n them. XDD

Quote:
Lukas quipped, biting on the stem of his stop to stop his laughter at Hans swatted at him playfully.
Should be 'as Hans swatted at him playfully'.

Since most of these are simply one-letter errors and are very easy on the eye, I think it is only fair to take off less points.
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 18 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
I can't seem to find any complications in flow at all. Each event trickles from one to the next, and all of your wonderful, gentle similes and metaphors help that along very well. You did this piece very well, and I am very proud. <33
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 20 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Flow and just pretty much everything.
--This was a wonderful read and yet another entry that I enjoyed greatly. <3 This was a wonderful way to end judging for this week, with another refreshing piece.
BETTER; I can't say proofread here...
--...because they were such little errors that I had to double check to make sure I wasn't imagining them.

My calculator has spat out the number 58/60.
-clings to- This was a glorious piece. I beg you to come back next week, purty please. c:




SUMMARY OF RESULTS:
The tWO points awarded for first place goes to:
Enkaku_Kumori of The Eggman Empire, with her wonderful, gentle piece, Faces of the Moon.

-WE HAVE A THREE-WAY TIE FOR 2ND PLACE, HOW WONDERFUL. XDD--

The one point awarded for our first second place goes to:
Winter of The Eggman Empire, with her refreshing, thought-invoking short story, While You Were Gone.

The one point awarded for our second second place goes to:
Saraibre Ryu of G.U.N., returning this week with another wonderful poem exploiting similar roots between two opposite items, Burst of Soul.

The one point awarded for our third second place goes to:
Grassy Aggron of G.U.N., for her potentially mind-blowing work (DON'T LOOK AT THE SPOILER TAGSSSS), Dusk Delusions.


Because of the lack of one point being given this week, we have the potential to give 1 extra point next week! ^_^
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
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