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Old 07-10-2012, 03:15 AM
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Default Re: [WAR XI] Creative Writing Section -- Week 3 Theme Announced (Week 2 Being Judged)

JUDGING—
A score of 60 can be earned. Those with the highest score will win this week’s points. In a short story/fanfiction, each section is worth 1/3rd of your score. With poetry and songs, however, grammar and spelling is only worth 10 points, as many poets/lyricists sacrifice grammar-correct syntax for flow. Because of this, flow is worth 30 points instead of 20 for these media types. With each piece there will also be a critique to help you know what you did best and what you could improve on. Thank you for entering, good luck. <3

P.S. No I did not just copy and paste the above paragraph... I swear I totally didn't. /shot





[WHILE YOU WERE GONE] by [WINTER] of [THE EGGMAN EMPIRE]


CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
I do have to say that the night after I gave the theme for torchlight, I started thinking about what kind of story ideas I would get. Some of the first things that popped into my mind were horror stories of dark caves hiding creatures darting between shadows, appearing only in torchlight to bring your death. So when I clicked on your entry and began to read, I was very pleased that I wouldn't have to go through such experiences. You made the relation to the theme clear in the beginning, and gave gentle reminders all of the way through. I was strangely excited by the fact that it wasn't just based around the torch itself, and that it was only an object. I found my own symbolism in it, as we all do with different writing--it almost seemed like the torch may have somewhat represented her disdain for Davis, as by the end it was dimming and dying out. That's probably just me. Anyway, I find this tale very refreshing and its theme is quite true. I enjoyed reading it and found it charming. It made me reconsider some of the ways that I've treated those that I know and have disliked for a long while for elementary grudges. But then I came to the conclusion that yes, he still actually is a douchebag, and it's not like I'd really want him as a friend anyway, and certainly as nothing more. To me, that's an important quality in writing--it makes you think about your own life and what you can learn from it.

Also, I absolutely love the fact how you made it Pallet Town. I wasn't expecting it at the slightest. You introduced it smoothly and swiftly and I was very much pleased by the idea. I wouldn't have ever thought of any of this, despite how much I love tiki torches. XD
I award you with 20 points out of 20.

I was amused by the altered spelling of her name. c: Nice. <3

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
Ah, just as I expected from a wonderful RPer--very few mistakes.
Spoiler:
Quote:
I snapped, and when Kelly opened her mouth, I added “I’m serious."
Minor error, just need a comma after 'added'.

Quote:
Faces that were once familiar now bore features I didn’t recognize and left me wondering who I was talking to most of the time, those who had been young when I last saw them had grown taller, grown out or cut their hair.
If I'm not misunderstood, instead of a comma after time, it should be a semicolon, a period, or a conjunction after 'time', maybe 'and' or 'as'.

I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 18 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
You did quite well on this, except for a stumble here and there.
Spoiler:
Quote:
“You ask me to dance and then stand there? Do I have to do everything myself? Your hands go here and here,” I said, stepping even closer and taking one of his hands in my own, then grabbing the other to move it to my side. “Now don’t step on my feet, okay? And watch them—mirror them, do what they do.”
I feel strongly that this should have been broken down to another paragraph. It would have reduced it to a less daunting sort of wall of text (though it is a small, gentle wall, nothing too big <3 ), and would have flowed better.

Quote:
"Stop standing there gawking, Ri-ri. Get out there and have fun!"
I think that there should be a paragraph break here. If it had started out with Aiden speaking as the first words of the paragraph, it could have been kept, but I believe it should start a new paragraph, even if it is related slightly by the slap on Riika's back.

MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 18 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Creativity and mood.
--You set the mood wonderfully in this thought-invoking piece. As I mentioned before, it was very refreshing and a beauty to read. I thought it was going to be just a regular, non-Pokemon-based story, but you tied Pokemon into it and did it wonderfully! It modernized the first town of Pokemon, Pallet Town, into something you could still love like you did the moment you turned on Red/Blue/Green/Yellow/FireRed/LeafGreen for the first time and started a new game!
BETTER; Backstory.
--One thing I would suggest that would have made this story more nostalgic and wonderful was maybe throwing in some brief flashbacks of childhood memories, and possibly even one or two that shows how she was treated by Davis and explains her disdain more thoroughly. Just a few interjected paragraphs in italics or in a different shade of black (as in a dark grey or something of the like) relating to different memories of the beach and what she's looking at and how things changed.

My calculator has spat out the number 56/60.
Impeccable job, thank you so much for entering! I'll definitely put that story on my subscriptions list just so I can go back and read it again sometime. <3






CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
I found it very interesting that you related two things that are considered 'enemies' (trees and fire) with a very common, well-known fact--the sun is the source of life, and it is, indeed, a burning ball of fire. It sort of reminded me of exploding trees. You know, like how in the winter the sap in trees freezes and then expands and then makes trees explode and it sounds like gunshots. XD Except it didn't really remind me of that, I just now remembered that fun fact. :P Anyway, you have a way with poetry ideas and executing them wonderfully. You all are pleasantly surprising me with ideas I never thought of myself or ever expected!
I award you with 20 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
Congrats, your entry is void of errors... almost! I found a single error, and that's what kept you from getting a perfect score in this category.
Spoiler:
Quote:
But a strength linger still, a sparking name
Should be 'lingers'.

I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 8 points out of 10.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
Sabi, let me tell you I'm quite proud of you. This is no longer the Achilles Heel of your piece. You actually did well this week in this category, and I found very few parts where it stumbles, and when it does, it only does so it's only minor.
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 28 POOS OUT OF 30 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Word choice/usage and description.
--Sabi, let me tell you: you're amazing at using words. You manage to express things so short and simply and yet so thoroughly, and it leaves me reeling more often than not. You paint such a clear picture with so little words, and it is very admirable! <3
BETTER; I'm not sure what to put here because I can't find anything you could do better except for correcting minor flow errors. :x
--Maybe reread a bit to pick up on errors? Dunno. o___o XDDD

My calculator has spat out the number 56/60.
Crap, we've already got a tie for first. Excellent job, Sabi! <33





CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
Agh, I stopped keeping up with the Rangers games after... well, the first one, so sadly I have no idea what this story is based upon or how you expanded upon it. I also am not sure what to think of it or the impact that it leaves. It's really frustrating for me because it seems like a wonderful story and I want to understand it, I really do, but I just can't relate to it in relation to the games, and I can't seem to find anything on this said premise. So I'll have to judge it as if it weren't based off of it.
This was, honestly, leaning a lot closer to what I expected from this theme than most; something heinous is going on, and the torchlight/fire has something to do with it, or is leading the way to the mischief. You've got a child prodigy being stolen and someone attempting to use them for evil, and then you've got a small minority trying to stop and expose them, which certainly isn't too unheard of. I guess I've just never been a fan of such stories when it's made so clear and stated as such? Dialga was a nice, unexpected turn, though, so kudos for that.
I award you with 15 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
An error here and there on this one...
Spoiler:
Quote:
Jirelm and Enik shielded their ears from the intensity of the word, but to no use.
I think it's supposed to be 'words', since it was no single word that was spoken and instead a lot of words. :P

Quote:
“Summer?” the girl tasted it, considering its flavor.
I think that 'the' should be 'The', considering it's not really... how do I explain it? It's not really generally considered a sort of speaking verb. Something just doesn't seem right about it.

Quote:
Come save me, please!she begged.
Missing a space~

Quote:
Brown sandals shod her feet, with long straps spidering up her little legs.
I get what you're trying to say, but is spidering a word? Not sure, but I don't think it is. o__O Try 'trailing' or 'lacing'.

Quote:
The light faded, and a chocking silence fell upon the temple.
Should be 'choking', I believe.

Also, the title on the main page should be 'Roar Through Time', not 'Roar through Time'. :c

I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 13 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
The events hop from one to the other quite nicely, though the switch to the beach was a tad bit confusing. Maybe you could have put some sort of interjection at the beginning of the setting describing how she appeared, whether she's unconscious or not, and maybe have a brief moment with Dialga taking one last look at her before disappearing or something.
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 18 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Grammar and description.
--You painted a wonderful, vivid description of most of the aspects of the story wonderfully, and you used clever wording to do so. As every piece of the image fell in place, I found myself recognizing different things, such as the Dialga and the Charizard and such. Wonderful job!
BETTER; Explanation.
--Not all of us have played the game, and that was a major thing that kept me from enjoying this piece. Maybe you should have put a bit more of a detailed explanation of the premise in which the game was set upon in the beginning, either mixing it into the story itself or simply as an author's note. It would have helped a lot!

My calculator has spat out the number 46/60.
As aforementioned, a more detailed explanation would have helped me understand and enjoy the story much more. <3
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."
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