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Old 07-01-2012, 08:37 AM
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As your new judge of Creative Writing, I am proud to present the new theme and deadline! I am in the process of judging your entries right now! They will be posted within the next hour or so. c:

Quote:
Originally Posted by Michelle8936 View Post
WEEK 2
SUNDAY, JULY 1st 12:00:00 AM EST – SATURDAY, JULY 7th 11:59:59 PM EST
Theme: Torchlight
First place: N/A
Second place: N/A
Third place: N/A
JUDGING—
A score of 60 can be earned. Those with the highest score will win this week’s points. In a short story/fanfiction, each section is worth 1/3rd of your score. With poetry and songs, however, grammar and spelling is only worth 10 points, as many poets/lyricists sacrifice grammar-correct syntax for flow. Because of this, flow is worth 30 points instead of 20 for these media types. With each piece there will also be a critique to help you know what you did best and what you could improve on. Thank you for entering, good luck. <3




[THE VOICE] by [SEALBOY] of [THE EGGMAN EMPIRE]


CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
I liked how instead of just having a radio, you actually made the main character the broadcaster of one. To be honest, I expected it to be either a Darkrai or Haunter after the dark hand shot from the computer screen. Knowing this, I sort of guessed that it was a dream, as well (as both are well-known for being nightmare Pokemon--the whole movie of Rise of Darkrai was based around that and Gengar stirred his own trouble with it in the PMD series). I'm one of those people who stop when I'm reading and ask questions about it, and then keep reading to see if they're answered. XD I still think that you executed the idea very well, though, so good job. <3 But you did do very well at making the whole thing just a giant bad dream--it has all of the elements of a trademark nightmare, and it is very, very believable (normal day spirals down to darkness), and that's also one of the reasons why your point total is what it is.
I award you with 14 points out of 20.

As a side note, I find it ironic that when something bad happens in your story, it's a dream. When something bad happens in mine, it's real and quite horrifying. XDDD Just something I found ironic and humorous. cx

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
I was pleased to find very few mistakes, but I'll point out one or two. They're very minor, nevertheless.
Spoiler:
Quote:
"...who knew what nightmares, or what thoughts, were currently going through their mind."
I do believe that it's supposed to end with a question mark, considering it's asking who knows something. c:

Quote:
"She collected herself momentarily, then she took an intake of breath to continue the show."
Minor, but it's supposed to be 'and then'. If you're going to have two compound sentences, you have to have one of the FANBOYS (For, And, Nor, But, Or, Yet, So) between them, or make it a complex sentence by making the second part a dependent clause (which means, by making it 'She collected herself momentarily, then took an intake of breath to continue the show'. 'Then took an intake of breath to continue the show' one its own as one sentence isn't grammatically correct. ^^;

Quote:
"'I apologise for that, my viewers,' she explained..."
I'm pointing this out just to ask if it is correct? It's always been a 'z' for me, instead of an 's', but I also noticed that you spelled 'color' as 'colour', too, so I'm guessing it's just where you learned it. That's the way people in England spell it, correct? I think? I wouldn't know, I live under a rock called PE2K. XD Anyway, won't count off for it, but I am merely curious. c:
Overall, you did quite well in this category. Exceptionally so. c:
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 18 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
You did quite well on the flow. It is just over the word minimum, and jumps from event to even quite well. It moved along and wasn't drawn out. Quick question; what does Jennifer look like? I can't seem to find a description. Had you smoothly mixed that in, it would have been perfect. Other than that, you covered pretty much everything else. Some of the sentences stumbled minorly, but other than that, it was quite terrific. <3
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 18 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Grammar and flow.
--It was almost flawless as far as mistakes go, and each event slid from one to the other with the grace that water rolls down a relatively flat hill.
BETTER; Imagery.
--In my mind, Jennifer was nothing more than a white blob walking around. But white blobs are still cool, so it wasn't too bad. I think it also would have been better if you described what the studio looked like a bit more. For example, if I had known that the equipment was old and the computer monitor was a beige dinosaur of a Dell (A Dell, not Adele c;) and the walls were made of crumbling brick, I would have probably panicked more to get Darkrai off of the air, considering that the company (or that particular broadcast/show) obviously couldn't afford to receive such a drop in ratings, and it also could have worked the other way around. When I think of black headphones, I think of my age-old, onyx-colored studio headphones with the right ear piece rigged with a misfitting screw so that it can freely rotate vertically, where as before the presence of said screw it had previously come loose constantly and dangled by its wires down by my neck. It's coiled cord, which loops in a spiral in the manner that the cord of an old telephone would, is so messed up that it looks like a ball of snakes every time I try and keep it together.

My calculator has spat out the number 50/60.
Great job, I hope you compete again this week, as I enjoy reading your writing! <33 It's also good to see you again, Seal! c:






CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
I actually adore the idea you used. It contrasts two very different realities with both differences and similarities that we often take for granted--music and the real world. One of my favorite lines is about the songs in different languages that you don't understand but go with anyway. I think that's something a lot of us can relate through. You threw in a lot of variety as well, with the mention of rapping and screaming, as well as the references to rock and what I believe is blues, or just sad songs in general. Great job. c:
I award you with 19 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
Very few mistakes as far as spelling goes, and the grammar/syntax used is still easy to understand. One line I did like where you cut it short but still kept it easy to understand was "House now behind you as you note the starry sky". I don't know, I just like that line for some reason. Is the word 'note' a pun? XD Also, I noticed the "They dub you as a klutz as you step through the street in time". "Dubstep Time", Sabi? Really? XD There are too many references to the subject to point out individually, but all of them are very well done and pretty ingenious. The colors help a lot and were a clever idea.
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 10 points out of 10.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
This seems to be the area I find lacking. Chances are (trust me, this is how it usually works with all of my poetry) that you had a very solid beat in your head in which it all flowed easily into, but there are only a few parts that seem to not stumble to me. The last line of the next to last stanza, for example, sounded a bit rough in my head. I think this is the Heel to the Achilles that is your story.
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 18 POOS OUT OF 30 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Relevance and wording.
--Absolutely ingenious. You were right when you said you were the music person--it shows in this piece A LOT. From all of the genres mixed in to the references of the actual music score, all of them were very pleasing to the mind and make me chuckle.
BETTER; Flow.
--I myself am a bit of an aspiring English teacher (it's definitely one of my options), but could not pick up on the flow very well at a lot of parts. Maybe it would have helped if you had given a link to the sort of beat you imagined it in, or labeled it as iambic pentameter or another term to help me understand it. ^_^

My calculator has spat out the number 47/60.
Despite Live Radio's flaws, you did an EXCELLENT job. Have I said that I adore the references before? Yes? Well, let me say it again. I adore the references. You and your overly-active mind. How did I not notice all of that before? You are one cookie that's full of surprises that I only see once I eat it and they bump against my teeth when I try to chew.





CREATIVITY;
(how creative your idea is)
Hrm... I really don't know what to say about this entry. It wasn't particularly impacting or thought-invoking. The general idea was alright, but I think you could have done a bit more with some of the aspects you introduced. For example, the storm: you said that there was a storm brewing on the horizon, but you never really did anything with it. Was it because of the Rotom? I'm not even sure. There was no mention of it otherwise anywhere in the rest of the story. I was also a bit confused because you said that people started flooding into the park, but I know that I wouldn't be going to the park if it looked like it was going to rain. I don't mean to sound harsh, but I thought I would just point that out. ^^; Maybe if you had also expanded on the two's relationship more, it would have had more of an impact when he was thinking of breaking up with her.
I award you with 9 points out of 20.

GRAMMAR & SPELLING;
(how many errors you have, or lack thereof. Poetry/songs have some leeway in this category when it comes to syntax, but as a result they are graded more on flow)
I didn't find any major mistakes. A lot of it was mostly space errors, actually. For example...
Spoiler:
Quote:
"...really need to clean this place someday...Just as I was sloppily tying the shoelaces of my sneakers..."
A space is needed before 'just'.

Quote:
"As I sprinted across the metal scaffolding, I glanced down at my wrist-watch. 5:28...I don't know..."
A space is needed before 'I'.

Quote:
"Before I could finish the thought, I found myself flying through the air. Oh shi-I felt cold fear..."
A space needs to be after 'shi-'. XD Also, I think that rearranging the order of the sentences would have been better, as well...

Quote:
As I sprinted across the metal scaffolding, I glanced down at my wrist-watch. 5:28...I don't know what time she hung up, but I'm probably already la-

Before I could finish the thought, I found myself flying through the air. Oh shi-
Other than the space that belongs before the 'I'... I think that the full effect of him tripping would have better been delivered if you rearranged it as so:
Quote:
"As I sprinted across the metal scaffolding, I glanced down at my wrist-watch. 5:28... I don't know what time she hung up, but I'm probably already late... Oh shi-!

Before I could finish the thought, I found myself flying through the air..."
And then afterward would have been the description of his painful fall down the stairs. c:
Overall, you did pretty okay on this category.
I place upon thee mighty knight a sum of 15 points out of 20.

FLOW;
(with stories/fanfiction, this category depends on how well each event flows to the next. With poetry/songs, this category depends on the general flow and feel of the piece)
It does seem a bit choppy in places (I think that some parts should have been described a bit better, like when she started crying), but overall you did pretty well, actually. ^_^ Maybe if you had split up the radio lyrics into shorter parts or gauged his reaction more, that part would have flowed better. Oh, and another thing; you used slightly at some point two paragraphs in a row. Starts on the second 'slightly'. Ctrl + F the word 'slightly' on your story. c: Don't worry, I completely understand--I am quite fond of the word and overuse it often.
MY CAPS LOCK BUTTON THINKS THAT IT IS ONLY RIGHT TO FLING 17 POOS OUT OF 20 AT YOU.

BEST/BETTER;
(what you've done well and what could be better)
BEST; Grammar.
--The grammar was the best part of this, though it does need some improvements. You do have a LOT of potential, though, and I'd love to see you write more. <3 I beg you to come back and write for the new theme! <3
BETTER; Character/story development.
--What would have topped the cake on this story would have been some character development or some backstory to Jennifer and Gabriel's relationship. You could make it negative or positive, that way the reader actually feels suspense when he's contemplating their future. If you were to make their relationship seem negative, I would have been like "YES, YES, DO ITTTT". If you had made their relationship positive, I would have yelled "DON'T DO IT, YOU IDIOT" and would have gotten quite worked up on it. You don't even have to put much backstory into it, either. You could just throw a part into the beginning about what they did the day before/the last time they hung out, so the reader gets a feel of how much Jennifer really means to Gabriel and if what they have is worth keeping. c:

My calculator has spat out the number 41/60.
As I said before, I do believe that you have a LOT of potential, and I'm only giving you a critique to help you improve. <3 Thank you so much for entering and I really want you to compete with this theme, as well. Maybe I'll see you with a fanfiction sometime, too, eh? <3
__________________
.previously known as White Wolf of the Snow.
Quote:
[12:38:59 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: ...So how do we do this? XD
[12:39:20 AM] Sight of the Stars: it's nothing really big, just usually a note in your sig that's all like 'paired with soandso'
[12:39:44 AM] Sight of the Stars: just be like "SIGHT OF THE STARZ IS MAH BIZNITCH"
[12:39:57 AM] GallantlyGlaceon: XDDD
[12:39:59 AM] Sight of the Stars: and I'll be like "GALLANTLYGLACEON IS MAH HOE."

Last edited by Grassy_Aggron; 07-02-2012 at 01:06 AM.
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